Becoming Bisexual: Six On-going Conversations

[ChickaHalifax]

I ditto that. Unless your partner is bi-, they WILL NOT understand. I have struggled with being bi- my whole life, and I still don't really understand it!

ColourMePurple,

It's too bad that society feels female/female sexual relations is more acceptable than male/male.

My husbad and I have been married for nearly a year, and we've being haveing foursomes with another couple now for about 6 moths. Both the female half of the other couple and me are bi, and the men strait.

My husband knew long before we were married that I was bi, but I've always been mono with him and never gave any indication of change.

One day we were joking around and I mentioned threesomes and he thought it sounded like fun. Ever since then it's been fun. I point out hot girls that I like to him, we've had sexual experiences together, and I've even been with fems without him.

When I first told him about it we were in our teens. At that point we'd decided that any playing around outside of out relationship was a no no (be it ff or fm).

Later as we grew together as a couple, we became more comfertable and trusting of each other. Age helps that too. We started dating at 14, and married by 20. We both came to the understanding that we were totally devoted to each other first, and any outside relationships I brought to our marrige were to be shared as we share everything. We understand that I will never run off with someone else, and I think that makes us both more secure in our love for each other, and thus more accepting of my sexuality and exparamentation with it. I think it's the openess and the fact that I don't hide anything from him that makes it all acceptable. It would feel more like an affare if it was a secret.

I don't think that it would be any different if he came out to me as bi. I think I'd try to find a way to make it excite me. Men fantasize about women together, I'm sure I could accept two men in my bed!

Anyone else have any thoughts or experiences?

Chicka.

P.S. I'm dyslexic, so pardon my spelling.

[morenito]

Originally Posted by ColorMePurple
I ditto that. Unless your partner is bi-, they WILL NOT understand. I have struggled with being bi- my whole life, and I still don't really understand it!

I must intercede here...only because i don't completely agree with this statement. I happened to have dated three straight girls whom I decided to come out to as bi, although they did reacted somewhat differently at first, later they became interested in getting to know aspects about my sexuality. In fact in those relationships, I was the one that always ended up sabotaging them. The point being that bisexual men, don't always have to be insecure and hope to find the love of his life only with another bisexual or lesbian girl (which totally doesn't make sense). The fact is that if you meet a woman, and think that they love you the same way you love them, they will appreciate you for who you are, and not for what your sexuality is..

Namaste

[pinksgirlfriend]

Before talking about the implications of "coming out" I want to ask about "coming out" itself.
The most obvious thing in the world is a secret. If you try to keep one everybody knows it instantly. So why not just be comfortable with who you are. A close friend on mine came out as lesbian, which was cool, but also obvious, way before she came out. Why not let Great Aunt Gladys beleive what she wants of you? Is it neccessary to thrust your sexuality, or lifestyle, depending on how you take it, into other people's faces?
Coming out is really mostly for yourself, to define your self-image, to try to bond with a particular group of people, and it always seems to generate more unhappiness in those closest to you.
For some people I've known , it was done because they were in a bad place emotionally, and felt they had to make a statement, or do just anything. That's not a good time to take an action like that.
Making a statement about yourself give more fuel, not less, to those who want to misinterpret, or downright slander, you. If somebody wants to know, why not just answer them honestly when they ask? The flip-side, of course is that those who've come out often demand that other come out (sometimes regardless of whether they're in or not). For Bi's it can be very tricky since bisexulaity is a grey area, unless you cavort & cohabit exclusively in threes.
I understand that it's a difficult issue for the individual, but I don't see the connection to making public statements. Not that i'm against anyone identifying themselves in any way that they want, I just don't always get the issue.

i have to agree w/ u .....im not into public statements about my sexuality either....it makes no sense...???i am me, and i do not pretend to be anything else.people who truely know me know how i am and accept it period...no statements involved! pink

[JohnnyV]

About the issue of coming out (brought up above), I see it this way: The ideal of being "out" about your sexuality is a catch 22. Just because you decide you are gay/bi and you come out does NOT mean that you will meet anybody in the lifestyle that you're openly embracing. I know many people who have come out as gay, complete with bells and whistles, and then spent 15-20 years looking and looking for a mate, with no success. They lived, ate, breathed, and shat gayness, but still came up with nothing; this is a common experience that depends mostly on luck and factors beyond anyone's control.

So it makes sense not to come out unless you have what you are supposedly looking for -- a relationship with a member of the same sex. But how do you meet that special someone, unless you are open about what you want?

It's a catch 22. The easiest approach would be to focus your life on other parts of your identity and be open to whoever comes your way, male or female. That's what bisexuality is. It makes the most sense.

J

[bicouple46]

undefined Live life to the fullest and take each day for what it is worth and have fun and explore.

[easylikesun101]

it has been extreamly difficult, however my first time im sure will be extreamly erotic and well worth the wait

[MintyFresh]

This is a rough transcript of how I explained my bisexuality to a friend (in a slightly facetious way):

Her: So, does that mean you're going to have girlfriends as well as boyfriends now?
Me: Maybe, but not both at the same time.
Her: But if you fancy men and women don't you need one of each? How can just a man or a woman ever be enough for you?
Me: Do you ever fancy men with brown hair?
Her: Yes
Me: Do you ever fancy men with blond hair?
Her: Yes
Me: If you had a brown-haired boyfriend, how could that be enough for you when you also fancy blond men? Wouldn't you need one of each?
Her: Oh

(Or replace with tall/short, black/white, etc.)

Later -
Her: So, do I have to lock my bedroom door now you've gone a bit gay?
Me: Don't flatter yourself, luv.

To me, bisexuality is about who someone is sexually attracted to more than who they actually have sex with. After all, if ,for example, a bloke doesn't have sex with any woman for a year, that doesn't necessarily mean he is no longer heterosexual, does it? I have also not had sex with any woman in the last year. I am attracted to probably an equal number of men and women (which makes me bi), but although the idea is tempting, I don't have sex with anyone but my boyfriend.

Incidentally, he is not bi but has no problem with it. Why should he? He is pretty keen on monogamy though, and would be hurt if he found out I had cheated on him with anyone, regardless of whether it was a man or a woman.

Btw, well-written article.

Minty

[switch22]

Great article. Sure is a lot to think about. I'll have to read it again to get it all.
I've lived in this town since high school and have pretty much played the hetero card for a long time. I like men better than women, but it was so much harder to meet men than women I wound up being thought of as straight by most everybody. These days I try to be bi as much as I can but find I'm pretty much gay to some people and straight to others. Somedays I think maybe thier right, maybe only one of me is real!
I think you're article has made me rethink all that.

[APMountianMan]

Wonderful.

[coyotedude]

This is a great discussion for a great article, and has given me a lot to think about.

I consider myself strongly bi -- but I likely would never be successful in a poly relationship. I think it's way cool that folks can and do make poly relationships work, but honestly poly relationships are as much a mystery to me as my own bisexuality must be to so many straight (and gay!) folks out in the wide world.

Ironically, even when I first started having sex with guys, I didn't really think of myself as bisexual. It wasn't until I fell head over heels for a cute guy (who I knew happened to be gay) that I had to face the truth that I was bisexual. I'm talking about sappy romantic crush here -- daydreaming of sending flowers and holding hands while walking on the beach. Funny how lust for a man never phased me, but romantic feelings for a man rocked my own little world....

I regret that I didn't have the guts at the time to take that last step and try to get to know that cute guy better. But he did me a favor all the same, even without knowing it. Not only did I learn incredibly important something about myself, but I had my eyes opened to some other realities as well.

So whatever "bisexual" may mean (and in fact the word means many things to many people), being bisexual for me is not about sex. It's about how we love and who we are called to love. And it's about who I am and how I view my place in the wider world around me.

Of course, I'm not going to say "no" to the sexual part, either....

Peace....

[leo4919]

I ditto that. Unless your partner is bi-, they WILL NOT understand. I have struggled with being bi- my whole life, and I still don't really understand it! When I feel attracted to a woman I think I must be str8, and when my heart leaps out of my chest at the sight of a beautiful guy, I just know I'm gay -it's a nightmare, and I would give anything to honestly be one way or the other -but I was born this way, it's who I am, and I must not pretend.
Perhaps the only solution is to only date men or women who are also bi (100% str8, 100% gay). Anyone who has had to struggle with this and pursues relationships with individuals who haven't and allows theirself to be perceived as a str8 or a gay, is setting theirself up and letting the rest of us down.

I have read your response and many of the others to this article and I want to say I am with you.....I want to be able to have a deep emotional and PHYSICAL relationship with someone. I have struggled with bi feelings for 57 yrs, I love women and have worked with women most of my life and develped very close personal, EMOTIONAL relationships with several, but I find myself physicallly turned on by guys more than women. It would be so much easier to be one way or the other . I recently have been in a 5 yr. intimate monogamous relationship with a woman I have know for 30 yrs. (yet this nagging feeling of lost experience persisted) at the mention of my fleeting desire to investigate the other side the relationship ended, she did not understand.....this must mean my love for her was not true, in her opinion. It was true that there was this issue I had never addressed and felt at 5o -some yrs of age it was time to go there, however I was not prepared for the upheaval it caused in my present relationship. So be very careful when and to whom you come out.

[mouse46]

Heartless: Love what you wrote and your completely right about peoples attitudes.As to the Bi-bar, I think it's a great idea. Bi -people are truely left outwhen it comes to that aspect. No place for us to hand and meet other bi's. Also race or sexuality should never be an issue when it comes to someone's life as you , yourself said. As for myself I was raised that a man and a woman belond together and anything else was wrong. I felt for some time that I had to hide what I felt about women because I didn't think my family would accept me. I finally decided I'd wasted too much time finding out that ; that part of myself that loved being with a woman and a man . That was who I was. And that doesn't matter what anyone will think if they love you they will accept you for who you are. Thanks for the enlightening article "Heartless"undefinedcomment to article written by "Heartless"

[annabananna1126]

Great article! It definitely covered all the interesting questions I've had along the way. I'm str8 but dating a bi male. I had so many questions in my mind before he came out to me and probably a zillion more after he came out to me. It took me the longest time to accept that he could be in a committed relationship with me and not pursuing others, whether they be male or female. We have a semi-monogamous relationship. (How's that for confusing?) We have the occasional mmf encounter together, so that's not "cheating" but if either of us pursued sex with anyone else without our partner there, it would be cheating.
I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who has been confused about bi and gay and had to figure out how to be in a relationship with someone who is bi. After awhile, it finally occurred to me that it really isn't different from dating someone who is str8, except that he happens to have had experiences with guys as well as girls.
Thanks for sharing your story!
Gayle

If it helps you at all, I am a straight female married to a bi male. He came to the realization that he was bi a few years ago and finally got the courage to tell me three years ago. After my initial confusion and fear abated we worked out a scenerio where we would play together with other bi guys(safely of course) in a threesome. In this way he is able to satisfy his need to be with a man on occasion and I get to share it also. It has become not cheating but rather a way that we have enriched our sex life together. While the conventional world might frown upon what we do, it was a solution that has worked for us and allowed us both to get what we needed in order to remain happy and content within our marriage. I wish you both well and just wanted you to know that a bi male/ straight female relationship can work!
Ann

[sixthickcut]

bisexual is natural...whats the big deal?...healthy respect for both sexes in all things is in harmony with the pulse of life...unlived lives leads to misery for all...get it out people...love for all...bi4ever...sixthickcut

[lessanguish9]

I've been bisexual all of my life; my first truly erotic experience came when I was about five years old...was watching a show on T.V., with a young man and woman and the setting and acting definitely conjured up sexual feelings...there were no words or pictures in my mind, just the feeling but I remember it well...am definitely attracted to men and women and feel entirely free in these situations...how does it happen??? Body chemistry, perhaps, because I have a definite femininity about me, especially the way I walk and think. Does bi exist?? Absolutely, and it's magic!

[Nikilala]

hey
not sure if ive missed the point, and i respect that different people have different things that work for them.

But to me being bisexual has nothing to do with monogamy, just because i choose to sleep with a woman instead of a man still makes it cheating on my bf/lover monogamy is a completely different thing. Just because you like the opposite sex to your partner doesnt mean you can just do what ou please with them

Or does it?

nikilala
xx

[frenchvikki]

Not unless thats what has been agreed Nikilala