NSA? Your definition

**LaDonna Jean** · Jul 16, 2012, 10:30 AM

I am a 42 y/o straight black female who has been married to a 55 y/o black male for 4 years and we live in TN. He has been having a "No Strings Attached" relationship with a guy we met when we were on vacation in New Orleans 3.5 years ago. They meet monthly for a couple of hours and have their fun while I visit with friends in the area. My friends think he is at home in TN when I am visiting and will be joining me later that weekend because he does not want them to know about our agreement. Friday evening, we got a call from his "playmate" who was happily informing us that his job is relocating him to GA, about an hour from where we live. My husband is thrilled that he will get to see him more often and was talking about how they will now get to "hang out," go to dinner alone and, from the way he talks, become a regular house guest for us. So, I am not happy about this situation and have told him how I feel. We agreed to a NSA relationship with this guy. To me, NSA means just that: no strings. To me, it feels like he is wanting to date this guy and that is not what we agreed on. He and I set very specific guidelines about this when we started this agreement. He says that it is no different than hanging out with his friends from work. So, when I asked him if he was going to include this man in our activities with our friends, he said that he would not be comfortable with that. So, anyone here have an opinion about this? I would like to hear from men and women about this subject. Thanks!

**Long Duck Dong** · Jul 16, 2012, 10:44 AM

ok.... you say there was a set of clear rules set in place that both parties agreed upon ?

give your partner time to calm down, then remind him of the rules you both agreed upon.....and ask him at what point did you both agree to change the rules about what was acceptable and what was not.....

his opinion about how hanging with this guy would be no different to him hanging with his work mates, so ask him how many of his work mates is he fucking.....

personally, I think you both need to sit down and talk very seriously about what is going on.... as it is coming across as the NSA agreement is being changed to a new defination of NSA that suits him, and that is why he can see nothing wrong with it... but if it was you doing the changing, he would be the same as you, annoyed ......

he is a lucky man in that you both have a working agreement, and he would be foolhardy to risk that agreement..... the trouble is that if you revoke the agreement, he may ignore you and carry on, just more discreetly...... it is one of the risks that come with opening up a relationship, a partner can forget how lucky they are and start thinking in terms of how unfair you are being.....

**tenni** · Jul 16, 2012, 10:51 AM

Maybe I should wait before responding but oh well. Welcome I see that you just joined this morning.

I have found that there are a couple of understandings as to what NSA means. For some guys, it means no emotional attachments but just physical sex..no socializing in public. For some, it means we will have sex and go our own ways. If I want to get naked again, I will contact you...do not contact me.

In your scenario, you have agreed to certain rules that you have not listed. It seems from what you posted that NSA meant that your partner may have sex with a man who lived far away from your home once in awhile.

Your partner has indicated that he doesn't want this man interacting with your other friends at this point. He seems to want to have some separation and distinction. He may be unsure just what he wants. In my opinion, it is moving from NSA to "friends with benefits". They are moving from fuck buddy scenario. Especially if there is some socialization aspect as well as sex. Is that ok with you if he limits his friendship encounters? It makes sense to me that your partner may want to expand his interaction to a social and sexual level. Is that not a mentally healthier approach? They have gotten to know each other and enjoy each other's company. I get that idea when your partner references going out with co workers. He wants a social level and sexual level.

It seems like it is time to renegotiate your agreement.

What do you want? Do you want this to stop now that the friend has moved closer and wants more time with your partner? Do you fear an emotional attachment on their part and exclusion of you? Ask him as well as decide what you want. Do you want to meet and get to know this man? Do you want him completely separate from your own life?

Good luck. You are a kewl lady.

**csrakate** · Jul 16, 2012, 11:51 AM

It is definitely time to sit down and renegotiate this arrangement. Looks like the terms are changing and you need to be involved in the process. To me, "No Strings Attached" means exactly that....no dates...no hanging out....no spending extra time together....no visits to the marital home....just a sexual arrangement that ends as the bed is being made back up...or wherever one has their dalliance LOL! You have been a remarkable and understanding spouse and I am sure he just needs to be reminded that you agreed to NSA....not BFF.

Best wishes to you!
Kate

**jamieknyc** · Jul 16, 2012, 3:10 PM

I think it was foreseeable that he would want to start spending time socially with the guy. But if his wife is not okay with it, either he has to stop or they have to rework what they agreed to.