Married - fear of going from bi to lesbian

[alleycat]

Hey.. I'm wondering if there is anyone on this site or if anyone knows of someone who has acted on her bisexual needs while married and ended up falling in love and declaring herself a lesbian? This is my husband's fear (and thus his reluctance to agree to an on the side f2f relationship) and honestly I'm a little worried that if I did connect with a woman outside of my marriage that it would head in that direction.

Maybe this is a question of how do you handle relationships off to the side of a marriage? HOw do you handle the comment, "well I'm seeing so-and-so tonight" - or do you not even mention the other person??

Any words of wisdom here?

Miss Alleycat

[SweetAmy]

I have been with my husband for 6 years now. I am bicurious but have never acted on my curiousity but If I did one day I would try and not let myself fall too much in love with her as I dont ever plan on leaving my husband. I would try and make the most of both situations or have to break it off with her.

Amy

[alleycat]

Let me clarify that I've been married 7 years and haven't acted upon my bisexuality in those 7 years although I've had some bi experience (no serious relationships). I do consider myself bisexual and not lesbian because I do enjoy sex with my husband, but I am way more attracted to the female body over the male body.

I think that clarifies it a bit more...

[m.in.heels&hose]

Hello alleycat
i have been married to a wonderful woman for nearly 12 years now
but i have on occasion been more attracted to males, this attraction is strictly sexual, when all is said and done, it is my wife who i go home to and she is where all my heart remains
i have worried aboutthis more than my wife has, and she is 100% straight
she has known i was bi from the time we started to dateand this has never been a problem within our marriage
i am not saying we dont have the other problems other married couples experiance though, because we do!
we have been open with each other from the get go, as long as we tell each other about our "going on's" before hand "no secrets, and no surprises"
and we are still as much if not more in love with each other than ever

i truly hope you and your husband can work through this difficult time you are going through now!

just my
m.in.heels&hose

[frankblues]

I have a close friend (we've drifted apart, but not just because of this), who got married fairly young (imho), who this has almost exactly happened to. She's always been very "bi-curious", but she's also always been a very sexual person (we used to flirt shamelessly at work, and we've admitted to each other that we have some pretty strong feelings for each other).

She told me she thought she was "gay" one night on the phone... I have my serious doubts about the truth of that. The really sad bit is from what I hear from her friends - this girl she's been seeing dosen't treat her very well (having met her I could see that), and as far as I am aware, her husband has always treated her like gold.

It's a fairly specific story, I don't know if it's representative of all relationships like this. As always, proceed at your own risk. I think honesty and compassion are what make for any great relationship, married or otherwise...

[cuteangel]

I have been married for 19 yrs I have liked females all my life but after 14 yrs of marriage and not being able to fight the impulses any longer I came out to my husband. Since then life has been great I have a heavy weight lifted off my shoulders. I had a serious relationship with a female that lasted 2.5 yrs. Things with n my marriage didnt suffer cause I know that even tho I loved her he was my life and I loved him way more. I think it is all a matter of trust and communication. Be open and honest with one another.
I hope that maybe in some way I have helped or at least given you a different look on things.


Take care

[csrakate]

As much as the above post paints a very understanding and wonderful picture of a very difficult scenario, I am afraid that it is quite rare that these situations play out this way. When you are dealing with a spouse, you are also dealing with a person who truly believed that you were willing to give your life and your love to them and them alone. It is no wonder that they would feel hurt and betrayed when you prove them otherwise. As much as I admire those couples who can live openly and honestly within the confines of marriage, I have to admit that I am just old fashioned enough to believe that if one if going to get married, then one should honor those vows and live accordingly. I know I am in the minority here when it comes to those opinions but I can't help but feel this way. That is why I do everything within my power to be as honest and open with my husband about my fears as he does with me with his sexual feelings. As long as we are both being honest, I can't help but believe that we can find some comfortable middle ground to work out the other problems that come along with our contrasting viewpoints on sexuality. It takes a lot of hard work and a lot of talking, but it is possible.

Kate

[mike9753]

I'd also have to support what Kate said. I too think it is very rare for a person to manage more than one intimate relationship at a time. I think sex makes things intimate. If you give into your lustful urges and experiment with another (regardless of whether it's a sexual encounter with the same sex person or with an opposite sex person), you do something to yourself and to your committed relationship. Yuo change it. Sometimes it is irrevokable (did I spell that right??). I mean, it is change in a way that cannot be fixed.

So an orgasm, or developing a personal relationship with another based on a sexual urge, can mess up your life in critical ways. At least I think that's true for most people.

I think that if a person wants to explore relationships outside their primary relationship, then they should take a good look at what they have first. Is it worthwhile? Is is satisfying? Is it worth damaging? If it is unsatisfying, can it be fixed? What contributions do you make to the relationship that cause it to be unsatisfying? These and other questions need to be asked and answered first, otherwise people end up dissatisfied in the new situation as well.

Maybe I've said too much or maybe I should get off my soap box. What do others think?

Mike

[Mrs.F]

I totally agree with Mike and Kate on this. Think about what you have first before making any moves that you may regret.
Lots of luck to you.
Mrs. F

[arana]

I guess I am going to make it unanimous and agree with Kate and Mike. The majority of spouses are going to be hurt once you say you want someone else in your life. Just because it's the same sex a lot of people feel it doesn't count but then you're saying to this new person, you are nothing. If you are straight and have never experienced anyone other than your spouse but are curious about it, do you go to them one day and say, "I think I'd like to try others. I'm not sure you are enough" and expect them to be understanding? Would you be understanding if they did it to you?

Sorry, just words...no wisdom.

Arana

[JohnnyV]

I think it's possible and easy to have an open marriage. My wife knew about my bisexuality when I got married and from day one, she said it was fine if I had side things going on, as long as they were safe and I still came home to her.

Now, in the end, I turned out monogamous to my wife. Not because I feared that a side affair would hurt her, nor because she told me I had to stop sleeping with men. I ended up no longer sleeping with men because I found it was too much of a hassle to find a gay/bi man, get to know him, find out if he was sane and clean, arrange a time to meet, and still somehow explain to him that I was never going to leave my wife. Way too much drama! And meaningless flings at an adult bookstore or bathhouse became out of the question because of fears of HIV, Herpes, the clap, and who knows what.

So the moral of my story (not everyone's obviously) is: If your husband lets you play a little, you will probably end up coming back to him and staying with him naturally -- not out of fear or guilt, but merely, because it's practical and easier and more fulfilling to have that one person you can count on.

What's that old saying, "if you love something very much, let it go free. If it does not return it was never meant to be yours. If it does, love it forever."

[CuddlyKate]

This is an issue I have pondered a lot about. I am not and will not declare myself a lesbian. From a slightly different perpective, I am still attracted to guys as is my gf. She came out of a marriage to live with a girl (not me I may add), and I out of a heterosexual relationship to be with her. We both loved the sex with men, but we now love each other dearly. However the old attraction remains for the opposite sex, but we made the decision to be exclusive to each other, and hopefully shall remain so. However, this does not make us lesbians, because we do chat about, and, for want of a better expression "lust" after guys we see, and like good (or is it bad??) healthy girls discuss the merits and demerits of the objects of our desires. We love each other dearly, but accept that often like any gay, lesbian or hetero lovers, the day may come when passion dies, love peters out and/or we meet another. This "other" is as likely to be man as woman, but for now we shall, thank you very much, enjoy what we have and if the fates are kind, will always have.

[Ratchick]

Let me just start by saying, I understand your problem.
I was married to my Husband for 8+ years and dated for 2 years before that.
The way our situation differs from yours is that he knew I was Bi before we started dating. (I was dating a woman before him).

I was always attracted to women though-out our marriage. BUT, he was too jealous and untrusting of losing me to let me act on those feelings. So, I never acted on them, because of how hurt he would be. Always, this side of me was there. I was very depressed and confused. Ultimately, I left him not only because of my Bisexuality, but because he was a bit of an abusive jerk...but that's besides the point.

A year after I left him, I met a married Bi woman whose Husband was very comfortable with her Bisexuality, and she had various Girlfreinds through thier marriage. She and I dated, all with the understanding that "Bill" took precedence as he was her Husband, and Primary partner.

You and your husband have to discuss wether Polyamoury might be a way for you to go. LOTS of dicussion needs to happen, possibly with a good theropist who specialty is GLBT issues. OPEN communication is the key. You must reassure him that HE is the one you married, and make sure you don't infrindge on his time with you with your Girlfriend. I suggest researching Polyamoury in books or online. Learn the suggested rules in these relationships, and openly disscuss it with your husband.

I fear that if you don't adress these issues in your life, it will only bring a great deal of tension to your relationship with him. You also have to work-out wether you want him to be a part of your F/F relationship. Some husbands get this idea that "Oh yeah..my wife is Bi, bring on the threesome!"
Make sure that's what you want or if not, discuss this with him.

In any NEW relationship there is a novelty period where you may seem more attracted to the new GF, but also if you haven't been with too many women there could be the whole,"OMG this is so great! Am I Gay?" thing.

The biggest thing is No matter how hard it is to bring-up with your husband, and he may get very mad at first, it needs to be addressed. If ultimately he can't deal, you may need to seek further guidence from a professional, or find a partner who DOES understand your Bisexuality. Some guys just can't deal.

Hope this helps!
-RC

[billy_campbell]

This is an issue I have pondered a lot about. I am not and will not declare myself a lesbian. From a slightly different perpective, I am still attracted to guys as is my gf. She came out of a marriage to live with a girl (not me I may add), and I out of a heterosexual relationship to be with her. We both loved the sex with men, but we now love each other dearly. However the old attraction remains for the opposite sex, but we made the decision to be exclusive to each other, and hopefully shall remain so. However, this does not make us lesbians, because we do chat about, and, for want of a better expression "lust" after guys we see, and like good (or is it bad??) healthy girls discuss the merits and demerits of the objects of our desires. We love each other dearly, but accept that often like any gay, lesbian or hetero lovers, the day may come when passion dies, love peters out and/or we meet another. This "other" is as likely to be man as woman, but for now we shall, thank you very much, enjoy what we have and if the fates are kind, will always have.

Wow, very well stated - I wish when I was your age I had your wisdom regarding relationships.

[red_riding_hood_27]

What's that old saying, "if you love something very much, let it go free. If it does not return it was never meant to be yours. If it does, love it forever."

I forgot about that one...You actually not only helped her with that wise old saying..But me also...Thanks for the wisdom.
Like everyone else says..Communication is the key. No matter what happens the person that stays at home and waits for the other person to come back. Meanwhile wondering if the day will come that they are not "enough" for them. And why not? Please always no matter if it hurts you or then be honest. It will be better in the long run. Good Luck

[searchingbrian]

Personally, I think there are two issues here. One is the question that if you are "bisexual" does that lead to homosexuality. For me that is most certainly NO! People of either sex can have an attraction to both and its not that it starts a slide down a slippery slope to homosexuality. That, I believe, doesn't happen. If you are homosexual hiding in a hetero relationship, then it might.
secondly, there is the issue of marriage. Do you have a mutualllyl agreed upon way of handling your desires. This is critical whatever the desires are. Personally, if my wife wanted to have a girlfriend, I wouldn't feel threatened at all and probably would want to be around if they didn't mind and I think that there are people who feel threatened by something like that because it is someone beside them that is satisfying their partner and that can be scarry. But scarry only if it is someone who is truly homosexual. Bisexual people don't feel the need to "leave" unless the relationship is not satisfying and then anyone would leave.

[Lisa (va)]

I try to see the positive in things, but what stands out most is one little statement that alley cat and her husband have the same fear. Seems to me that should be resovled before contemplating an on the side relationship. And a side note being bi doesn't exclude being monogamous.

Lisa
hugs and kisses

[moonlitwish]

My husband and I have pondered this issue also. BUT--if you are unknowingly lesbian, wouldn't you rather explore and know now, rather than realize in another 10 years that the hetero thing really isn't working for you? I may enjoy FF sex more, be more connected to my hypothetical gf, etc.....but there is still nothing that compares to curling up in the arms of the man who loves you and you him. THAT'S the reason, no matter what, I'll always go home to hubby.

[meteast chick]

My husband and I have been married almost 6 years this coming April. He always knew I was attracted to other women but not to this level. It seems that as I get older, the more interested I become. I have not yet acted on this curiosity. My husband is 100% straight and considers this curiosity as very normal. Like most men, he is interested in the idea of a 3some, but hesitant to let me act on this outside of our marriage. I asked him if he was afraid of me leaving him for another woman, and he said no. I only asked him because I think it's always a possibility. We still have more talking to do, but neither of us wants to jeopardize our marriage. We deeply love each other and the 2 beautiful children we brought into this world. I am terrorized of breaking up my marriage and ostracizing my friends. My own parents are divorced and both remarried and I don't want my kids to grow up like that. It's always very possible that it will always be and remain only a curiosity to me.

I do know someone, a friend of my mother's, who was married for 25 years and had 2 children that she waited until they were out of high school to leave her husband, act on her curiosity, and subsequently divorced him and became a full-fledged lesbian. I know this because she told me.

My husband and I also have friends who are full-fledged swappers. He also has his own date nights, while she stays home and has her own "dates". They have 4 children who are oblivious to this, or at least I think so. They seem happy in their relationship and say they are still very much in love with and devoted to their respective spouse. I know that my own relationship couldn't sustain such a lifestyle.

I'm afraid of his jealousy and of my own possible jealousy threatening the bonds of trust that currently hold us together. I agree with Mike and Kate in the fact that it takes an extraordinarily strong and open-minded relationship to sustain a 3rd(or more) party. I'm struggling with that myself, and it's comforting to know that so many more people have this exact same yearning and struggle. I refuse to put my marriage in jeopardy if we both are not absulutely sure...just food for thought.