My first time: Perceptions versus Reality

**happyjoe68** · Aug 14, 2006, 5:14 PM

After a year after coming out to myself and a select few, I met a Bi Man - a "new starter" like myself, and had some (safe) fun.

Following this, I now dont know what to think. Beforehand I was certain of everything - or at least knew what I wanted/thought

Sometimes I am really turned on by the fact that I got to grips with another man, sometimes I feel ambivalent/ambiguous/asexual.

Basically I chatted him up and seduced him (over a week), and enjoyed him and he enjoyed me. It didnt feel alien or wrong or shameful, it felt natural to touch him, kiss him, etc., but why do I feel like I'm in a limbo? Why am I now the reticient one?

I think part of this is due to perceived expectations of what it would be like - the evening itself, as well as events. I suppose I must be subconsciously comparing experiences with a man with experiences with a woman, and coming up confused since the two are not the same (obviously), and as well as the evening itself. It wasnt a sleazy meet, but subconsciously I'm looking for love and affection, and although I've nothing against that person and will probably see them again (socially at least), this subconscious desire is probably at the root of all the angst. Perhaps everything happened too fast ... Perhaps, because I've been hurt in the past, the fact that I was intimate with someone by opening up to them, rather than being rude and obnoxious and keeping another at a distance, was the most frightening thing of all.

So what next? Right now, I dont feel like jumping on anyone - male or female - for a while. I dont feel that I have "straightened" myself out, but part of me feels that I have knocked some off the sheen of being/feeling bisexual, that its more prosaic and ordinary (like straight life) that I sometimes wanted it to be.

I would be interested to hear people's reactions to this, not only their opinions as "impartial" observers, but also from those who also have undergone some form of confusion *after* having their first Bi experience

**Long Duck Dong** · Aug 14, 2006, 10:13 PM

hugs ya happyjoe

ok for a start you answered ya own questions in ya post without seeing it lol

"
So what next? Right now, I dont feel like jumping on anyone - male or female - for a while. I dont feel that I have "straightened" myself out, but part of me feels that I have knocked some off the sheen of being/feeling bisexual, that its more prosaic and ordinary (like straight life) than I sometimes wanted it to be."

bisexual life is normal life..... its not a super sex, ultra happy life lifestyle... but us bisexuals are terrible at making it out as its the greatest thing since adam and eve met their first couple of swingers... and that can lead to a lot of misunderstanding and confusion

if you removed the sex from a bisexuals life, you remove 90% of the bisexuality from a person....the other 10% is the mental / emotional side that is part of a person... and yeah I know a lot of bi's will bite over that one... but its true......if you ask bi's about being bi, bisexuality is there 100% of the time.... but 90% of bisexuality is based around sex...
I am not saying that bi's are not bisexual.... they are 100% bisexual... remove the 90% sex... and they are still 100% bisexual... just celibate lol

we can swing between males and females and enjoy some of the best sex ever, but we are just normal everyday people.... and thats why you feel the * letdown * about being bisexual....

**glantern954** · Aug 14, 2006, 10:26 PM

I almost always feel just a little disappointed after a same-sex experience. They never seem to live up to what I fantasize that they are going to be like. I think I expect them to be as fullfilling as sex with my wife, and that is almost impossible because of all of the emotional connections we have.

I have yet to be able to come close to building those same levels of intamcy with a guy and then have sex that meets both the physical and emotional things I have come to expect.

I'm not saying that I don't enjoy them though.

**julie** · Aug 15, 2006, 2:16 AM

...hugs 'happy joe'...

...i have nothing to add to 'long' and 'glanterns' words of wisdom hun...

...i just want to affirm you... and remind you of how much i value our friendship..

...love julie xx

**neveen** · Aug 15, 2006, 2:44 AM

Originally Posted by glantern954

I think I expect them to be as fullfilling as sex with my wife, and that is almost impossible because of all of the emotional connections we have.

for most of us, that age-old advice holds true...sex feels best when u love the one ur with. for me, sex alone, regardless how hot, leaves me feeling empty and bummed if i can't snuggle to sleep in loving arms. orgasms r great, but u can't leave out all that other stuff that makes up happiness. and many times, i've felt i'd rather masterbate to porn than touch or be touched by someone i'm not connected w/, but that's just me.

**Boogie2u** · Aug 15, 2006, 2:58 AM

ive got to say that at times i have felt so similar in the past, so heres my theory on this...but please remember (as it is early days for me too) that this will be a constantly everchanging theory! i can only speak from my thoughts and experiences:

1) i get bored easily, once i have something i get bored of it!
2) i am bisexual 100% its not bisexuality i feel in limbo about its the people im involved with!
3) sometimes i crave males, sometimes i crave females and sometimes im so sick of people i dont crave anyone.
4) that feeling of limbo for me is the realisation that i havent found the answer to the meaning of life yet!... the disappointment that life is still the same....just as sad, just as painful and sometimes just as empty...with or without company.
5) i liken it to that feeling just after an orgasm, the moment when most guys roll over and go to sleep! we pour our emotions out and become an empty shell for a while afterwards until we fill up with more emotions and desires.

well...ok its not rocket science but i do get the impression your searching for that holy grail and not finding it....perhaps you havent found the right person? perhaps the right person doesnt exist? perhaps like me your a person that isnt satisfied easily and must continue on your quest lol... keep searching but beware , my theory is that whatever your looking for is bound to be right behind you in the end!

**DiamondDog** · Aug 15, 2006, 3:15 AM

congrats!

You're on the start of a large journey called exploring your life and your sexuality.

when you wake up in the morning you're you, not your sexuality.

As time passes you may find that "bi" doesn't fit you and your sexuality.

Nobody says that you have to go by the labels of "gay", "straight', or "bi".

If this happens, make your own up, or don't use any at all.

When I find myself in a bind because of society's views on queer people, I just try to repeat the mantras "Fuck society" and "question conformity".

**DiamondDog** · Aug 15, 2006, 3:45 AM

I felt really happy after my first time having sex with a man. Like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I finally had confirmed something that I always knew.

I did experience some confusion mainly because I'd gotten drunk, picked up a complete stranger (coincidentally in a bar full of people I managed to pick out a bisexual man who was a bit older but he understood the meaning of the word queer when most people his age wouldn't), had safer sex with him, and I wouldn't have done this while sober; but it was a good thing since I was fulfilling a personal fantasy of mine, I just didn't expect to do it while drunk. I wasn't forced into doing anything I didn't want to do and I wasn't so drunk that I had no idea who I was having sex with (does anyone actually believe that excuse anymore?).

I also experienced confusion since I was seeing a het therapist at the time that didn't understand bisexuality/sexual fluidity and wasn't helpful in that regard; but then I went to a GLBT center and they were a lot more helpful.

Or I'd also get "confused" with how my sexuality would be really fluid and sometimes I'd be really into a woman and sometimes I'd be REALLY into men but I was always into both.

Also, at the time I was exploring the nature of sexuality and gender on both a personal and a general level and "bi" made sense to me but queer makes more sense to me as a label, since I don't see gender/sexuality on a binary level and I see them as fluid and most people I'd try to tell that to didn't get it.

Also, try it with a different guy. I got kinda infatuated with the guy I was with after we saw each other one more time but it was more of a platonic infatuation and it was healthy to see it this way.

Things got A LOT better when I befriended a gay couple over about 5 months and then we had sex together. I also made lots of good gay/bi male friends and that was helpful too.

I am not into anynonomous sex (for myself personally, I don't care if others do it), but even when I hook up with someone I like to know them on a somewhat personal level be it emotional, sexual, spiritual, physical, and perhaps even romantic level. I've even written thank you emails to my tricks. No, I'm not a male prostitute that's U.S. slang for a casual sex partner that you have as a one night stand.

**innaminka** · Aug 15, 2006, 4:00 AM

Perceptions are almost always going to be greater and more glorious in most activities that are different; travel, motherhood, new job, new restaurant, adultery - whatever.
The old (v old) adage about the grass is greener.

Maybe you had too grand an expectation - that the fireworks would herald a New Jerusalem etc etc.

I think we've all be there in some way.

But don't get disheartened. Only you know the depth and intensity of your feelings
Let them be the guide.

**curiousguy05** · Aug 15, 2006, 11:40 AM

After reading your post, I realized that I am not alone. Just recently, I tried to explore my bi side, it just came up to me that I am not really enjoying what I thought would be thrilling to me i.e. to be with another man. This site really helped me realize what I really wanted. I think most of us would fantazise bi relationships but in our subconscious mind we still retain deep in us what we know is right and real. I think this is a form of psychotherapy for others who are really bicurious. For me, my experience help me know more about my sexuality. I am very glad that I joined this site.

**Lee in TN** · Aug 15, 2006, 2:04 PM

I know exactly what you mean, my first time , i felt "uncomfortable" about it for a while...in fact the first few times, but recently met a guy that I have really felt comfortable with, Very glad I didn't just give it up after the first few times...

**DiamondDog** · Aug 16, 2006, 1:48 AM

curiousguy05 and HappyJoe-A lot of what you're experiencing is residue that "sex with the same gender is 'bad' " that society tries to program into us.

On avoiding that conditioning & the taboos, Timothy Leary would say:
"Question authority & think for yourself."

It often isn't easy, however this also involves being true to yourself.

It's an ongoing process, of course, not something you achieve & just get there. An attitude of open-minded agnosticism, perhaps.

**happyjoe68** · Aug 16, 2006, 4:45 PM

Originally Posted by julie

...hugs 'happy joe'...

...i have nothing to add to 'long' and 'glanterns' words of wisdom hun...

...i just want to affirm you... and remind you of how much i value our friendship..

...love julie xx

And I value our friendship too

**happyjoe68** · Aug 16, 2006, 5:23 PM

I just want to say thank you for all comments people have posted on here.

I agree with some of Diamond Dog's comments, but not all of them. I think its right to say, as others pointed out, that I (like others) expected too much

On reflection, after a few good night's sleep and a day off work, I think that I rushed things somewhat, when I should have stuck to kissing, hugging, etc., all the fully clothed, respectable activities ... lol.

I'm basically looking for love and romance, not just sex. I've never really enjoyed sex on the first night since I always thought it was a denial of how I felt. I always wanted to wait until I felt more comfortable with that person, but sometimes you just get carried away ...

Neveen ... "sex feels best when u love the one ur with. for me, sex alone, regardless how hot, leaves me feeling empty and bummed if i can't snuggle to sleep in loving arms"

Neveen .. how are you fixed ?