[CENTER][SIZE=6][B][FONT=arial black][COLOR=#0000cd]BI Me [/COLOR][/FONT][/B][FONT=arial black][I][SIZE=4][COLOR=#00ffff]Personal Thoughts from coming out of the closet to being openly Bisexual [/COLOR][/SIZE][/I][/FONT][/SIZE][/CENTER] [LEFT][FONT=arial black][I][SIZE=4][COLOR=#00ffff] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/I][/FONT] I had known for quite some time, years in fact that I was attracted to men the same as I was women. Being raised in the buckle of the bible belt in an ultra-conservative and very narrow minded region, I assumed that I should just ignore it. I grew up in a home with parents that were much older than my friend’s parents that had extremely old fashioned views on relationships and sexuality. So as I grew up I ensured that everything I did was exactly what the average all-American boy was supposed to do.[/LEFT] Now, I’m not saying that I knew that when I felt an emotional connection to another guy that it was bisexuality, but I did know that there was something different than the norm. As I started to take notice of girls a bit in middle school, and even more so in high school I knew the feelings I had for them was emotional as well as sexual desire. The part I didn’t understand, was that I was having the same feelings for some of the guys I knew also. I shrugged it off as “it’s just because we’re close”, but looking back now I realize that there was more to it than that. Am I saying that just because you feel close to someone of the same gender that you must be bi or gay? No. But I know now that with the number of guys that I felt that way with, some of which I barely knew, that for me those feelings were bisexual in nature. As my time in high school was coming to an end and the decision to go into college or the military arose, I chose the military. Keep in mind, I was basically oblivious to being bisexual. I went into the military and did as all the other recruits did, and listened to everything the military told me, including that being attracted to the same sex was bad. This point just reinforced everything that I had ever been told about relationships and sexuality, so I accepted it. It wasn’t until I was at my permanent duty station that I had my first actual sexual encounter with another guy. I was doing the same thing every other military guy does when he gets to his first station, party like hell. I didn’t have a vehicle at the time, I was at a bar and my ride left without me. A nice guy offered to give me a ride and I accepted. Once we got to where we were going we sat and talked for a while, and then he popped the question, he ask if I would like for him to service me. Not wanting to be rude, and after all he did give me a ride, I obliged. After it was all said and done I was left rather confused. I didn’t know of anyone that I could talk to, that would understand anyhow, so I just kept it all inside to myself. After the military, I did the normal thing of get married, have kids, you know the normal things. After a rather testy divorce I was on my own again. I had made friends with one of my neighbors, and what do you know, he was gay. I finally had someone that I could talk to, and talk we did. I got to see things from his perspective and relate them to myself. After a while I did get remarried, and she knew that my friend was gay. She didn’t know however that I was bisexual, but then again, I really didn’t either. We used to all go out and party together, and one of the frequents was the local “lifestyle” bar. I enjoyed going there because I could be myself, have fun and no one would judge me, ogle me maybe, but judge me? No. The moment that everything started to work itself out was one weekend when we were all out having fun together. We had all been drinking, it was late, he didn’t want to drive home drunk, so we had him crash at out place. One thing led to another, and we all woke up the next morning in bed together. To keep this from being a sex story, and keep it on track I’ll leave it at that. That’s when my wife understood that there was more I enjoyed than the normal religious definition of a relationship. That’s also when I started realize there was a reason for the feelings I had, and having the chance to finally act on them felt great. I had kept the secret that I was bisexual to myself with only my wife and my friend knowing for several years. My wife and I eventually moved from the buckle of the bible belt to a town quite a bit larger with a much broader spectrum of people. She would let me get together with a guy now and again, and more than one occasion we had a guy join us. I would shave my legs from time to time, and then decided to paint my nails. I discovered I really enjoyed these things, and I was having more frequent dreams and daydreams about being with another guy, not just on a sexual level, but on a communication level as well. But I was still torn with the idea of someone finding out that I was bisexual. What would they think of me? After all, I’m ex-military at this point and everyone envisions me as this tough guy that doesn’t take shit from anyone. Which also lent itself to my own thinking of, if I was openly bisexual would it mean that I would have to do things differently? Enjoy different music? Dress differently? Act differently? The epiphany came one day while reading an article online. I can’t recall where the article was or who it was by, but it made me realize that I’ve been bisexual all along, and I’m still who I am. So, then my thinking was, why hide it any longer? I realized that by being open about it, I not only would feel better, but I could stop being frustrated with myself and my situation. I finally one day made the decision that I was tired of keeping my sexuality to myself, so I talked with my wife, and made sure that she was ok with me coming out. Since it affected her as well I wanted to make sure she was ok with me being open about my sexuality. She understood my desire to do so, and was in full support of me, honestly I was a bit surprised by this. But that is also one of the things that make us such a great couple, I support her, and she supports me. So, I decided to be open with it. I started shaving my legs full time as well as getting regular pedicures with polish, and stopped being embarrassed and afraid of wearing shorts and sandals in public. I will admit that the first few times was a little unnerving but that soon passed and I never felt better about myself. My only regret about it, is I wish I hadn’t waited so long. Now, I’m not telling you that I ran out in the street and yelled “I’m Bisexual” or made it a point to direct conversation so as to interject that I’m bi, but I stopped feeling like it’s a bad part of me that I need to hide. My first step in being openly bi was to be open with my wife what I’m feeling at all times about my sexuality. After the initial shock of going in public with my legs shaved and toes painted I’m starting to settle in to my new open self. By the time you have read this article I will have made what some may consider a rather bold statement of my sexuality by getting a bi tattoo on my ankle. Does everyone I come into daily contact with know that I’m bi? No. But, if they find out or suspect it, I’m no longer going to deny it. I don’t feel that it is my place to shove what I enjoy in everyone’s face, nor do I feel that I should go out of my way to put it out there. Yes, I realize I just mentioned getting a tattoo of my sexuality, and then mentioned that I’m not going to put my sexuality in everyone’s face. But, my tattoo isn’t about putting my sexuality in everyone’s face, but rather about me coming to full terms with who I am and being comfortable in my own skin (at least after the ink has healed). I haven’t hopped on the phone or the internet and told all of my family members about my sexuality, nor do I intend to, I fail to see the point in that. But, should they find out, there’s no point in denying it or trying to hide it, after all I have realized that being bisexual is part of who I am. Am I saying that everyone should do the same thing that I have done? No. Nor am I saying that you should take my words as words to live by. But I do hope that you can relate in some way to some of my views and perspectives and know that not everyone is the same in their sexuality even within the pidgeon hole of being bisexual. For me I feel the most comfortable bisexually when I shave my legs, paint my toes and share stories of my thoughts, desires and adventures with my wife. For you it might be something entirely different. I know that there will be those of you that criticize my thoughts and views by saying I’m bisexual solely for the purpose of being promiscuous in a committed relationship, as well as there will be those of you that say I’m hiding being gay by being married. But keep in mind these are after all my thoughts and views, just a short compilation of my journeys thus far and the things I’ve seen and felt. Being who I am now makes me completely happy, I enjoy my wife, I enjoy my family and I enjoy my friends whether they be gay, straight, or bi.
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