Leo Rabbit

[SIZE=3]Where to begin?

That's a crucial question. Can I pinpoint when my curiosity [I]first[/I] began? Do I start with my initial fantasies, etc. Or is it better to focus on where it all went from a mere "I wonder" to actually becoming a reality?

Let me set the stage...

A year ago this month the pandemic decimated my career. I won't go into [I]what[/I] I do, exactly. But suffice it to say that my life's work fulfills me a very deep and satisfying way. I truly believe it's my Purpose with a capital P. I never feel so alive and in the flow as when I'm out doing my thing and touching the lives of others in positive ways.

I didn't realize [I]just[/I] how much it all meant to me until a month or two into the Covid situation. How does it go? "You don't know what you've got until it's gone?"

In one quick blow I lost my livelihood, my income, and my opportunity to fully express myself in meaningful ways. The impact was huge. If I was a single guy I think I would've handled it all a bit better. I'm married and have three young children. My work is ([I]was) [/I]the sole means by which I support my family.

Like a series of dominoes, job after job after job pulled out, postponed or cancelled all together. Day after day, week after week, month after month...I hoped things would change. I frantically searched for new ways to do what I do. I took some classes and workshops on online marketing and other virtual businesses. These webinars and online classes, some of them were very long. I spent hours each day in my Man Cave on my computer taking in all this new information.

I pulled away from family and friends. It's sort of my go-to strategy when I'm feeling bad. Retreat. When I get overwhelmed I become even more introverted. The problem was in my need to withdraw as a way to soothe myself and recoup and regroup.

Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda.

Yeah, I could've taken some other kind of job I guess. Not much I'm trained in. I [I]was[/I] in education earlier in my life...but even teaching was a non-starter as schools were closing left and right.

So I just kept on plugging away at the webinar stuff, taking in as much info as I could until my mind was overflowing.

On top of all of this my wife was beginning to crack under the strain of the pandemic and all the changes it brought with it. She was ([I]IS) [/I]going through what I truly believe is a Midlife Crisis of sorts. Covid created a pressure cooker situation in our marriage, our family. Then our own kid's school shut down and I was pressed into service as their teacher. My wife, who was used to having some time to herself during the day when they were away at school now had them 24/7 and the demands for her attention just snowballed.

I believe we all have some trauma fault lines that run through our personality. One good blow and those cracks begin to open up. For her it was all about her realizing just how oppressive her upbringing in an ultra conservative fundamentalist church environment and how it has impacted all facets of her life, stunted her growth, shut down her sexuality, forced her into believing her sole function in life was to martyr herself to her husband and children and fuck her own needs.

...and she was done, absolutely DONE with it! I saw a scared and angry part of her that I'd never seen before. Seething just under the surface. She started yelling at the kids...something she'd only rarely done before. She would break down from time to time. She confessed to me in tears one night after the kids had finally gone to bed that she was "changing. Cracking open" and didn't know if I'd like who she is becoming.

That scared the shit out of me.

As a guy my typical response in situations like this is to help figure out a solution, get clear on the problem and then work out the answer.

When I had gone through my own Midlife crisis years ago it was the Mytho-Poetic Men's Work of Robert Bly (Iron John, anyone?) and Sam Keen (Fire in the Belly) that quite literally saved my life. So my initial thought was that she is on a Heroes Journey. I started searching online for a female equivalent. Surely Joseph Campbell who had written extensively on mythology and the various rites of passage would have something of comfort for my wife, right?

Turns out, no.

Campbell and the other male authors say nothing of what that experience is like for women.

So I had to search deeper in uncharted waters, seeking someone, [I]anyone[/I] who could speak to what this process was like for a woman. It took awhile but I was determined. I found one woman who had authored a short book on some of the various issues currently plaguing my wife. Those books referenced other resources and I followed them all like a detective. Finally, I found a book I felt would speak directly to my wife and give her both comfort and a way forward through this dark night of the soul.

It would take too long to wait for it to be shipped to me so I purchased the digital version through Amazon. I learned I could actually "lend" e-books to other people from my Kindle account and sent the book to my wife. I was so excited! Now we were getting somewhere! She was grateful for all my hard work, my desire to help her navigate this unfolding. We talked a bit more about it all and she promised to start reading it the next morning once the kids were at their aunts for the day. She tucked in and I just couldn't sleep...I was too wired over finally finding something that would bring some wisdom and comfort to my wife. I was so interested [I][B]I[/B][/I] wanted to read it!

So I opened up my Kindle on our laptop. But I soon discovered that since I'd already "loaned" it to my wife I wasn't able to access it until she had finished it. "Crap" I whispered. That's okay, I thought, I'll just click on the link in the email I sent her to share the book and read it from her Kindle! I signed out of my browser and signed in to hers and navigated to her Gmail account and found the link I'd sent her. But right above it, where I could not miss it, was another email, specifically a draft of an email she was working on right before going to bed . The first sentence of which was visible in the title heading Waking Up...

[FONT=verdana][COLOR=#4b0082]"Thinking how lovely it would be to wake up and bury my face in your neck and just breathe you in for awhile..."[/COLOR][/FONT]

The email was not addressed to me. It was to someone named Dave. Unable to breathe, panic making me lightheaded and nauseous, I clicked on the draft to find out what the fuck this was.

[FONT=verdana][COLOR=#4b0082]"...And once I've been saturated in your scent, you can get out your ratcheting straps and do what you want to me..."[/COLOR][/FONT]
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