Bi-sexuality in golden years

[pbvasc]

Why a person like me has waited all his life to express his bi desires to himself and to his wife?

If you are in your early years, please express and enjoy your sexuality to the fullest.

If you wait until you are 50+ you are going to find out you are almost alone.

If you are not sure about your sexuality, do not marry until you have a better feel of yourself. Then find a partner that can support that side of you, at least occasionally. If you find a bi partner, then you will increase your chances towards happiness because there will be nothing to hide.

Hiding things from the one you love is like hiding yourself under a rock.

Please do not be like me!

Always since I was a child I was bi-curious, not gay. My dreams are to have occasional sex with a man but I can only live with a woman.

[12voltman59]

Lots of people in the same boat---men and women--single and married.

I have to say--I thought I was going crazy in that I felt I had to explore my bi side later in life--but after coming here--I found that I was not alone and plenty of older guys have the same "desires" too.

Welcome to the boat---here is your paddle, take a seat and get to work!!

[fredtyg]

Very nice post, pb. Words could of come out of my own mouth. As I've said before here, one of the biggest regrets in my life is not having accepted and been open about my bi/homosexuality when I was younger. So many opportunities lost, never to be regained.

I guess that's part of why I'm making my next post on outing. My way of making up for lost time.

[rissababynta]

I wish you the best of luck friend. I have never had the same issues that a lot of others have had with discovering myself, so I have no true understanding of what it is like, but I'm sure it can not be easy.

[mooon]

Lots of people in the same boat---men and women--single and married.

I have to say--I thought I was going crazy in that I felt I had to explore my bi side later in life--but after coming here--I found that I was not alone and plenty of older guys have the same "desires" too.

Welcome to the boat---here is your paddle, take a seat and get to work!!

Well said, Volty.

I came out to myself and my wife at 55.
I don't know if it is the internet, or just the 'bucket list' thing, but it does seem to be quite common these days.
Maybe it is because now it is almost acceptable to be gay now, at least here on the left coast. And therefore it is almost acceptable to be bisexual. I know all those things influenced me.

[jem_is_bi]

That is me! Bisexually active in the Golden Years. Well, maybe, somewhat closer to gay active in the Golden Years. But, I have no regrets that I was not gay/bi-active when I was younger. Changing my sexual identity at a young age would have changed more than my sex life. I would not trade what I have now for whatever would have been my fate if I had followed only my sexual instincts. Would my life have been more rewarding? I doubt that very much. Further, I now have a partner that I care about and have added total sexual satisfaction to all that makes me happy.
I am lucky, I am satisfied with most all of my life and have no significant regrets.

[fredtyg]

But, I have no regrets that I was not gay/bi-active when I was younger. Changing my sexual identity at a young age would have changed more than my sex life. I would not trade what I have now for whatever would have been my fate if I had followed only my sexual instincts.

That's great you have such a wholesome attitude about it. I try to be philosophical about it, myself, but still can't get over missed opportunities. Or at least the potential there was back then.

I've been thinking a lot- since I brought him up yesterday- about a guy I used to work with. As I mentioned on the other thread, I had a suppressed crush on him. I really felt, if I would of accepted the homo in me back then, him and I might well have become lovers.

Those were somewhat empty years back then. If I would of let myself go and worked on establishing a deeper friendship and love between us, I think I'd have even better memories of those times than I already have.

But, I guess one should just consider that bad things might have also happened if I'd been more openly homo. I did narrowly miss out on the AIDS epidemic if only I was too nervous to hang out at the local steam baths more often. I still wish I'd spent more time down there, but I might well have gotten AIDS if I did. I understand at least one guy I fucked there did.

[12voltman59]

I do have to say--that even though I wish I could sexually perform now to the standards I did when I was young--had I been doing stuff with guys then--it would have been right as HIV/AIDS hit the scene since I graduated high school in 1977. The CDC and other agencies working on HIV/AIDS in those days found that HIV/AIDS came into America, ironically enough, around our Bicenntennial Celebration period around July 4, 1976.

If you have never read the book "And the Band Played On" By Randy Shilts, I would urge you to do so--that book detailed quite well how HIV/AIDS came to be the scrouge it has become.

I know some guys that I knew back then who had come out as gay in those days---all of them died from AIDS including two brothers, so I can count my lucky stars that I didn't do anything more than some of the "exploring" I did then.

I guess that things do come to us in the right time, place and circumstances. I look at it this way---I was not supposed to do any more than I did back then.

[fredtyg]

so I can count my lucky stars that I didn't do anything more than some of the "exploring" I did then.
I look at it this way---I was not supposed to do any more than I did back then.

Good way to look at it. Like I referred to above, I dodged that bullet because I was too nervous to spend more time at the steam baths.

I also luckily missed another one: One of my best friends back around that time had a younger brother. He was a cutie. One of the guys I still remember and wish I'd made a move on. The first time we met I could tell there was something there between us- call it mutual gaydar. My heart started pumping and I'm sure he felt something too.

I wasn't out to my best friends back then, so didn't do anything but small talk with the brother the two times I got to be near him.

I never saw him again after the second time. A few years later his sister told me he'd died from AIDS.

If I would of been able to have some time alone with him, no doubt I would of had him inseminate me. A missed opportunity I lucked out on.

[pbvasc]

One of the messages in my post "Bi-sexuality in golden years" is to avoid hurting your wife later in life.

If you marry a woman, and 30 years later you tell her "hey honney, I am gay or bisexual", can you imagine the emotional blow to her?

That is why I expressed that if you are not sure about your sexuality, wait until you find someone that will accept or support your sexual desires. There are many women out there that will love you and accept you with the way you are.

A bi-wife would improve your chances to enjoy your sexuality. A wife, wether straight or bi, deserves your respect as a sign of your love for her.

When I disclosed this to my wife after 35 years of marriage, she could not handle that. We are still together, but anything intimate has almost ended.

Being bisexual means having a sexual desire (most of the time occasional) for one of the same sex.

[fredtyg]

One of the messages in my post "Bi-sexuality in golden years" is to avoid hurting your wife later in life.

Agreed, and I didn't mean to digress from your message. It still holds true, especially in making long term commitments with someone and thinking you'll get over your bisexuality. And, despite being able to dodge those AIDS bullets, I still regret all the opportunities I missed out on.

Young folks: Accept yourself as bisexual now and learn to love yourself for it. You'll be happier in the long run.

[Wolf_Sr]

Yeah... you expressed well the sense of waste lifetime because of social constrainst imposed on guys of our generation. I do believe all humans are naturally bi-sexual to variable degree and I envy the younger generation that suffers less from repressed desires.
I believe that I would be a better human being if I had recognized earlier the latent bi-sexuality. Today it remains repressed by fear of hurting the loved ones.
Thanks for having posted, I always knew I was not alone.
Hugs
Wolf

[fredtyg]

Ugh I guess it is true that Americans still see HIV/AIDS as being a disease that mostly gay/bisexual men and IV drug users who share needles get. :rolleyesy had sex with someone who has HIV or an STD and that includes women.

So now this asshole is defending bareback sex? Well, maybe. I might agree with him on that, but he seems to be one nut case to me.

[pottzie]

I didn't read it as a defence of anything, just a statement of his observations. There are probably a slew of people who take chances daily, everything from driving in traffic to skydiving without a parachute. That doesn't mean it's a good idea, or that I'd encourage anyone to walk across an intersection with their eyes closed.

[fredtyg]

I didn't read it as a defence of anything, just a statement of his observations.

Ok. Maybe it was just me. After all, him and I are blood enemies.

[thatcher29]

I'm an older man who's exploring his bisexuality in his "golden years" and although I also regret a bit that I didn't take advantage of opportunities earlier, it's a lot more complex subject than many of our younger friends would believe. It's only in the last twenty years or so that different sexualities have been accepted. In that pre-Internet era, men who wanted to have sex with other men had to take a lot of risks. Meeting in parks and public restrooms was always fraught with danger. Getting beat up or arrested were real possibilities. Gay bars were regularly raided. In those days, a married man who expressed his bisexual desires to his wife would probably not have been a married man very long. And he might even lose his job if word got out. Heck, even in the enlightened 21st century, most of the world still has trouble even believing there's such a thing as bisexual. So yeah, a lot of us suppressed our desires for a whole lot of years--but was there really any other choice? So don't feel bad about it now. Just get out and enjoy what time you got left.

[crazy_cat_lady]

Are you kidding? you most certainly are not alone! Just search the personal ads sometime. There is hardly anyone under age 40! and almost all of them are men!

[welickit]

We agree 100% with your post. Especially about having a spouse who is also bisexual. Life is so much easier and enjoyable when you are both bi. We have lived on both sides of the street. Earlier in life we were both married to straight individuals. Our sexual preferences did not enter into the reason for either of us ending a previous marriage. We both agree that if something ever happened to either of us, we would never have anyone for a mate unless they were bisexual. For us, being open and honest works because that has been our policy since before we said for better or for worse.

[darkeyes]

Ok. Maybe it was just me. After all, him and I are blood enemies.

1st off..'e sed 'e didn do bareback sex... 'e didn condemn it but 'e didn encourage it eitha spesh cosa that simple fact.. that takes care a that daft lil post..2cd.. take issue wiv peeps ifya must.. argue wiv 'em till ya's blue in face.. but blood enemies.. ya r such a daft sod...

Life is 2 short 2 hav enemies.. its an emotive term wich can bring out worst in us all.. sure me has had scraps wiv many peeps 'ere..but am fonda most.. difference of opinion don mean ya havta war wiv ne 1... course sum peeps jus annoy an irritate ya so much ya can hardly call 'em friends.. but 2 call 'em blood enemies is childish an a tadge crass.. if me thotta numba a peeps me argued wiv jus in forums as enemies... wud nev hav a friend left on the planet.. an that includes me own partner an lotsa gud gud m8s..

.. Christ... an peeps call ME immature...

[t_glasgow_]

I am 30, engaged to be married next year to a woman who has no idea and probably never will. It kills me that the most I can explore my bisexual side is watching porn, posting here occasionally and the odd 'fun time' with my dildo.

I don't think she could accept the truth though. I love her and could never bear to lose her so I must accept I will probably never be with another man.

[12voltman59]

I'm an older man who's exploring his bisexuality in his "golden years" and although I also regret a bit that I didn't take advantage of opportunities earlier, it's a lot more complex subject than many of our younger friends would believe. It's only in the last twenty years or so that different sexualities have been accepted. In that pre-Internet era, men who wanted to have sex with other men had to take a lot of risks. Meeting in parks and public restrooms was always fraught with danger. Getting beat up or arrested were real possibilities. Gay bars were regularly raided. In those days, a married man who expressed his bisexual desires to his wife would probably not have been a married man very long. And he might even lose his job if word got out. Heck, even in the enlightened 21st century, most of the world still has trouble even believing there's such a thing as bisexual. So yeah, a lot of us suppressed our desires for a whole lot of years--but was there really any other choice? So don't feel bad about it now. Just get out and enjoy what time you got left.

I agree with much you said, thatcher.

As I think I have said before--I really think that if not for the internet, I would never have "explored" my "Bisexual desires"----even though I am single.

I would not have known how to approach another guy about doing anything unless something "just happened" like it did when I was a kid or a teenager when it did happen.

I had tried many years ago to get into the "swinger scene" but I found out almost immediately--that when they talk about liking bisexuality--they are not talking about, at least the swingers places I knew of, guys doing anything together. Bisexuality was great if it was two chicks "getting it on"--but gross if it was two guys doing anything. Single ladies were treated like gold--single guys were treated like lepers and were not at all welcome unless you had an invite from a couple already, but the guys weren't going to do anything--you might get to "tag the wife" with hubby watching--but hubby was not going to take part if it looked like the guys might do anything!!!

Heaven forbid that two guys might do something----that is "sooo gay!!"

[Arlene2]

Why a person like me has waited all his life to express his bi desires to himself and to his wife?

If you are in your early years, please express and enjoy your sexuality to the fullest.

If you wait until you are 50+ you are going to find out you are almost alone.

If you are not sure about your sexuality, do not marry until you have a better feel of yourself. Then find a partner that can support that side of you, at least occasionally. If you find a bi partner, then you will increase your chances towards happiness because there will be nothing to hide.

Hiding things from the one you love is like hiding yourself under a rock.

Please do not be like me!

Always since I was a child I was bi-curious, not gay. My dreams are to have occasional sex with a man but I can only live with a woman.

If I may add.... My husband came out to me he was Bi after 27 years of marriage. He too was bi-curious as a kid, and was scared of what would happen to him. We are in our early 50's. I love him. And I respect his wanting to live his authentic life. Yes, its tough to find someone. He has looked at the "adds" on other sites. Its also tough to "come out" in real life, because of the stereo types that have been with us when we were growing up.
I Don't know what to tell you about the loneliness that I get from your post. If you can, be honest with your spouse. Good luck. Its working with us, but I don't know if we are the exception to the rule. Hang in there.

[Falling Leaves]

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. ..I am new here...I have been looking for a site like this for a long time...my husband is bi-sexual, officially "came out" to me last year. I love him as both my best friend and my husband, we have been married 25+ years, but have known each other 34 years. I totally accept him for who he is. All the things I love about him are because he IS who he is!!

[Chaia]

When I disclosed this to my wife after 35 years of marriage, she could not handle that. We are still together, but anything intimate has almost ended.

I feel your sadness in your words. Give your wife time to figure out how she feels about all of this. You have been thinking about your bisexuality for much longer than she has. She may just need to get used to the fact that she doesn't know you as well as she thought she did. If she is comfortable talking to you about your feelings and desires, then share with her that you still love her, even though you are attracted to men as well as women. Talk with her about what being bisexual means to you. Good luck.

[CUMM2LBV]

I sometimes have trouble agreeing with the volt, but he hit this nail square on the head.

So, grab ur paddle...

[Realist]

Last year, I met a 70 year old lady on line, who had harbored a severe longing to be with another woman, since early childhood.

She was married early, raised a family, and lived her life as she was "expected" to, while never exploring her desires. Her husband died in 2007 and she moved in with another widow, to consolidate their finances and live less expensively.

To her amazement, she and her new roommate became lovers. (The other lady had some same-gender experience in high school and college, but after marriage abstained) After all these years, she's found her true self and is loved as she has always hoped to be loved....for being herself

It's sad to me that she had to deal with those issues all of her life, without being able to explore. She never felt secure enough in her relationship, that she could share that with her husband.

I've dealt with some of these issues in the past. However, I've found a new freedom, because of having a bisexual GF, who understands those desires. Now, we love and support each other.

I wish everyone had partners, who could at least attempt to understand and love their mates, regardless of their differences.

[12voltman59]

To add to my previous post:

I had long felt this way about people of the same gender having intimate (sexual) relations----if you have a good, close friendship and you wished to share more than just the non-physical aspects of such a relationship--why not be able to be sexually intimate with each other?

But at the time I was coming of age---even though it was the tailend of all the days of "freelove" and all that----there was still a great deal of homophobia and the "way things are" at the time----if you have sex with someone of the same gender--no ifs, ands or buts about it---you were "gay."

That was one thing that held me back from trying to do things with other guys---and as I have said before in other posts----in my indirect exposure to the variety of "gay scenes" of the time---they all turned me off and kept me from doing anything "gay."

I did not feel I was a particularily good "straight" but I sure did not feel that there was any place for me in any of the gay scenes--and at that time--even though you knew of people who "walked both sides of the street" as being bisexual was often referred to----I had no idea how I was going to do that.

[richarddennis]

Don't worry/obsess too much about living in the past.

Learn from the past, live for the day and plan for the future.

The best is truly yet to be, "if" you have a dream.

cause if ya got no dream, how ya gonna make a dream come true?

[Riclv1]

I'm glad you posted your thoughts. I'm now 52 myself having just come out a year ago to my wife, kids, family and friends. OUT OUT OUT!! This has been a discovery time. For the very first time in my life I can say I am a bisexual man! and I'm proud to be so. With that all said. what happens now??? who knows. My wife and I are still together. We talk alot about the possibilities of having another man in our bedroom. She is straight. What I'm really learning more about myself is taking my time...being respectful of her questions and thoughts on all of it. I'm not looking to have a relationship with a man in the way I have one with my wife but I would like us all to know each other feel comfortable with each other and sexually attracted to each other. We did grow up in a time where talking openly about our sexuality was just not open. Plain and simple it was not open! I have had sexual experiences with other boys, guys, & men all through out my life. There was a period of time 14 years upon getting married that I did not. It was after 14 years I had an experience with a very good friend of ours. This is all out in the open now between all of us...and we are all still in each others lives. Might I mention...My wife is an INCREDIBLE person. We've been working though out this year on our relationship and coming to new understandings about ourselves and each other. We are married 26 years. with two grown daughters. The more stuff I read about others the more it helps me to understand my own self. and Bi Sexuality in general. There are soooo many of us....so so many of us! It's up to each individual in their own time to come to terms with being all of themselves mainly to them self first. I just hit 51 years of age and said I can't live out the remainder of my life this way. If it means I live out my life alone then so be it. I would rather be peaceful with me then to live a lie another day. The surprise is I am not alone. I am loved by my wife, my daughters, my family and my friends. Even more then I believed I could be. So I received a gift for being open and honest and I love that I'm living fully again! I would love to have and open sexual relationship with a man. One that is respectful, honest and loving. This is just the beginning! not then end ) I wish everyone on this site peace, joy, happiness and above all love!

[thatcher29]

To add to my previous post:

I had long felt this way about people of the same gender having intimate (sexual) relations----if you have a good, close friendship and you wished to share more than just the non-physical aspects of such a relationship--why not be able to be sexually intimate with each other?

But at the time I was coming of age---even though it was the tailend of all the days of "freelove" and all that----there was still a great deal of homophobia and the "way things are" at the time----if you have sex with someone of the same gender--no ifs, ands or buts about it---you were "gay."

That was one thing that held me back from trying to do things with other guys---and as I have said before in other posts----in my indirect exposure to the variety of "gay scenes" of the time---they all turned me off and kept me from doing anything "gay."

I did not feel I was a particularily good "straight" but I sure did not feel that there was any place for me in any of the gay scenes--and at that time--even though you knew of people who "walked both sides of the street" as being bisexual was often referred to----I had no idea how I was going to do that.

I think it's time we gave a big Shout-Out to the folks in the past who made it possible for our present level of freedom. We should all give respect to the gays who fought at Stonewall. To stand up to the police and say "we're not taking it anymore!" took guts. And we should thank all the folks who raised the banner of Gay Liberation, formed organizations, took abuse, and didn't quit. In an era when homosexuals were dismissed as weak-wristed poofs, those folks were tough and we owe them a lot.

Yeah, I understand what you said about searching for the right scene. I was an awful hippie--always too practical and never took enough drugs. The swinger thing seemed like a bunch of suburban dilettantes. Gays have a strong culture but there's no way I could ever identify with it. Wouldn't it be great if in 20 years there was strong, separate bisexual movement, not the accessory "B" currently found in all LGBT organizations?