Is Bi just a phase?

[MissTT]

Hey all, i'm new to the site so excuse me if this has already been talked about - if so please let me know but either way am up for a chat on this subject.

so...is it? Bi a phase? I'm a female, attracted to other ladies out there but never really done anything about it so don't really consider myself to be bi...just appreciate the same sex. my bf however told me a couple of months ago that he thinks he's bi and has had sex with men in the past. he's told me this and is pretty confused i think, but think it's just a phase. i don't think being attracted and actually sexually attracted to the same sex is a phase - what do you guys think? personally i think it's just who you are...you're bisexual, whether you end up with a girl/guy - i still don't think it's a phase!

he also told me that he thinks he had sex because he was just horny but now that he's in a relationship with me he's not thought about it as much and would just like it to 'go away' - i think he's pretty ashamed of it which i think is pretty sad and unhealthy.

is it a phase? does it just 'go away'?

what do you think? x

[darkeyes]

Mayb hun. Mayb not. Only time will tell forya... jus wer our sexuality leads an how it evolves is summat nun of us can say for sure. But it will lead an it will definately evolve prob in directions ya jus don expect. It will take ya places ya neva dreamed of an do things that rite now will shockya.. but don b afraid of it an don b ashamed of it..... jus treat it wiv care however it turns out..

[shameless agitator]

In my experience, no, it's not just a phase & it doesn't go away. One exception to that is teenagers. I couldn't tell how old you are, so I don't know if this will apply to you or him, but teenagers are basically hormones with legs. During puberty it's pretty common to find things attractive that you don't later in life. If this is relevant to him, basically he just needs to chill & not worry about labeling himself until things settle down & he can take stock. If, however, he's an adult I'd say he needs to do some real introspection and deal with his sexuality issues. Not that any orientation is an issue, but confusion over it is. He needs to figure out what these same sex attractions mean. Is he bi? gay? He's not going to be comfortable in his own skin until he figures this out and accepts the answer, whatever that may be.

[jamieknyc]

Bisexuality does tend to fluctuate. Sometimes the desire for same-sex encounters is stronger, other times not at all.

That much being said, many bis do make excellent and faithful partners to their spouses.

[shameless agitator]

Thanks for pointing that out Jamie. I could have left the wrong impression there. Personally, I get pissed when people assume my orientation means I can't be monogamous.

[jem_is_bi]

For me if it is a phase, then the phase will be from approximately ages 8-10 until death.

[weird dream]

I'm a 28-year old bi male

I've just come to terms with myself, and am still thinking about my sexual nature.

I did have a 'femme' side always - though not on the outside..

at 8-10, pulled up my shorts like they were panties, put lipstick....played with a friend pretending to be our favourite actresses....

have had one experience, loved it and wantto explore bisexuality

i guess i'll always be attracted towards some men - but I prefer women and want to get married to a likeminded free spirit.

well, thats my take....

wd

[ambi53mm]

A phase?...Yes!..a good way to look at it maybe...a phase that can last a lifetime for some...and who knows...maybe a few lifetimes before and after as well.

Phase Shifter 700
Ambi

[Daviecurious]

I don't belive it is a phase, it is who the person is. As to the bf, if his mm contacts were enjoyable, and he has had more than one, he's bi. That being said, the key is how he acts on those feelings. Being bi doesn't mean he has to have sex w/men, and it doesn't mean he can't be monogamous. And if he chooses, for whatever reason, not to have another mm experience, that's fine too.

[jamieknyc]

For me if it is a phase, then the phase will be from approximately ages 8-10 until death.

I was trying to be serious about this. People go through periods of bisexuality, sometimes even same-sex relationships, and then shfit to heterosexual conduct.

[BI BOYTOY]

Hey all, i'm new to the site so excuse me if this has already been talked about - if so please let me know but either way am up for a chat on this subject.

so...is it? Bi a phase? I'm a female, attracted to other ladies out there but never really done anything about it so don't really consider myself to be bi...just appreciate the same sex. my bf however told me a couple of months ago that he thinks he's bi and has had sex with men in the past. he's told me this and is pretty confused i think, but think it's just a phase. i don't think being attracted and actually sexually attracted to the same sex is a phase - what do you guys think? personally i think it's just who you are...you're bisexual, whether you end up with a girl/guy - i still don't think it's a phase!

he also told me that he thinks he had sex because he was just horny but now that he's in a relationship with me he's not thought about it as much and would just like it to 'go away' - i think he's pretty ashamed of it which i think is pretty sad and unhealthy.

is it a phase? does it just 'go away'?

what do you think? x

hello . first welcolme to the site, their will be alot of addvise so im not going to over do anything. but you are right it is not a phase . and it is unhealthy to be ashamed of it . it will not go away. he needs to deal with it and come to terms with himself. as a guy it has been a long hard road for me . why was it so hard? because i was ashamed of it. because i ignored it . stayed it the closet. i listened to homophobics. all the above. he is talking about it to you that is good. keep him talking and communicating about it. alot of the problem with guys being bisexx. is the world has told us it is a bad thing. it has told us for many years that it is ok for girls but bad for guys. so we grow up thingking this way. and one day we find out we are bisexual.so it can be hard. if we listen to the sociotys view on things. so we need to listen to what is in our hearts. and forget socioty. please exuse my spelling and if i just over did it im sorry. good luck to your boy freind and you in this endeaver.

[Raindrops+Sunshowers]

My own intuition is that everything in life is a phase of some length or another. Even your entire lifetime! :-)

Now as to whether you consider a particular behavior or set of feelings to be "just a phase", well that's up to you. But personally, I hope never (again) to proscribe what I'm honestly feeling or how long I'll be feeling it, and instead... just... be.

In any case, yes, denying, suppressing or denigrating perfectly natural sexual urges does seem unhealthy and ill-advised, no matter how you slice it.

Then again, again.... Everyone is a free human being, free to malleate him or herself however he or she wants. ...And the self is free to fight you back, against yourself, or not...

That's nice and vague, eh? :-)

[softfruit]

Most people who tell us it's "just a phase" are trying to imply that it's somehow less 'real' or valid than hetero or homosexuality.

I like to take the analogy of being a teenager. Everyone knows that's just a phase, but they don't then try to make out that therefore the hormonal storm of being a teen is any less real.

For some being bi lasts all their life. For some it is just for a while. And for some they come back to being bi many times in their lives.

The bottom line is, if bisexuality is a phase for some people, it's still where they are when they are there.

[Bi_Druid]

perhaps this old saying someone told me would help

"we are not a race of sepperate homosexuals, heterosexuals, or bisexuals; we are all just sexuals"

It took me a olong while to work out and admit to myself that I did have equal attractions for both sexes. Sometimes it is purely horniness of the moment, which is nothing to be ashamed of, we're all consenting adults right? Sometimes it is far more special and it is the person inside I am attracted to, in which case gender just becomes somewhat superrfluous (sp?).

In essence, I'd say we are all capable of being Bi, as such, for want of a convenient label. Alas it's human nature to measure down and label things to make them more understandable. But I digress.

I'd say it sounds like He is probably Bi, and if he never so much as looks at another man again and you and He have a long happy relationship, then I wish you all the best.

Anything else useful I could say would just be repeating everyone else. yes, talk about it, don't be ashamed, etc.

We're all human beings, we're all sexual beings. So long as we don't hurt anyone and everyone is consenting and above board, then who really cares about labels at the end of the day

[Mystic]

Bi is only a phase during the experimental stage. Once you have experienced it you then have to figure out if you really like it. MY experience was great and I found out I really did like it. The problem comes when you look for that certain someone to try it again with. The feeling is real and all you have to do is except it, and enjoy yourself.

[DiamondDog]

Sometimes it can be for some people.

I have friends that once were bi and they're now fully homosexual men, and others like me who were bi but are now something completely different and have abandoned using sexual orientation labels altogether because we don't fit into any of them, transcend them, and fit into more than one at the same time.

[Merlin]

Personaly I do not believe that being bi is a phase...it is part of your make-up. There are basically three kinds of sexuality, hetrosexual, bisexual and homosexual. A person can only be one of these unless they are fooling themselves. For me, I believe that I have been bisexual all of my life. As a kid I really liked playing around with my boy friends while still looking for girls friends. Today, I'm happily married but I still crave and have sex with men. I know a chap who is gay. He was married by unhappy untill confronted his erges and divorced. Now he hates the thought of being with or have sex with women, a true gay. Again for me, I really enjoy sex with both men and women, especially at the same time. I am equally as comfortable with either sex and I think this is the key. If you are comfortable feeling and touching a person of the same sex as well as the opposite sex then I would say your are bi and always will be bi. Many people will suppress the erges due to social pressures but it does change your make-up. Enjoy who your, life is to short not to.
Merlin

[shameless agitator]

Sometimes it can be for some people.

I have friends that once were bi and they're now fully homosexual men

I would argue that these guys never were bi. They were always gay but the bisexuality label was easier for them to accept in the beginning & it took them a while to get past the social conditioning that said they must be attracted to women.

[DiamondDog]

I would argue that these guys never were bi. They were always gay but the bisexuality label was easier for them to accept in the beginning & it took them a while to get past the social conditioning that said they must be attracted to women.

I'm not going to argue with you but yes it is possible to be bisexual and then eventually become fully or mostly homosexual.

That's what happened to my friends, and they were out as being bisexual and they were sexually and romantically attracted to both genders in their youth/middle age and then became gay.

I have friends that were the opposite in that they were totally homosexual in their youth/middle age, and then they later changed to being bisexual.

Ever heard of the terms such as Hasbian/Wasbian, Yestergay, and Kinsey Backsliders?

The people I've described they didn't choose to change their sexuality, it just happened slowly over time and it wasn't a result of social conditioning or being blinded by society or anything like that.

There's a woman here on bisex.com from NZ I forget her name but I remember one of her posts where she wrote that over the past few years she's been going from bi to slowly being mostly lesbian and she's married to a man and has kids.

Sexuality is fluid so it may change over time.

I think people waste a lot of time questioning, analyzing, attempting to define and categorize things. Also, people want reasons: "how can you change from one sexual orientation to another?", "How can you not identify as hetero, gay, or bisexual?", or "How can you technically be two sexual orientations?".

Then there's gender but I'm not going to get into that now since others can do it better than I can.

Things just ARE. Just accept them and move on. Why people get so hung up on the need to explain and categorize everything is beyond me?

All you have to do is look at nature to realize that life is full of diversity and change and things that are unexplainable and uncategorizable.

Life is fluid and it is beautiful that way. I wish that people would just leave it alone and enjoy things as they are.

[BiphobiaFighter]

perhaps this old saying someone told me would help

"we are not a race of sepperate homosexuals, heterosexuals, or bisexuals; we are all just sexuals"

There are asexuals too. Not everyone is sexual. Some people just don't have any interest in having sex (and it's totally valid and as real as sexualities are).

http://www.asexuality.org/home/

[Mr. Magick]

For me my bisexuality never faded away and denying it only led to more confusion, denial, depression and anxiety. I’ve been sexually attracted to both men and women since I first saw both naked. I spent many years thinking that the only reason I slept with men was that I was awkward with women and men were easier to get into bed (sad but true ). But sex with men always led to guilt and confusion, I was in my cage of my own design. I married my ex-wife, for love, thinking that would be the end of my desire for men but, after a few months, I found myself sneaking peeks at gay websites behind her back. I never lost my desire for her, but I will admit that sometimes I was more into men than her. This continues to this day, sometimes I want men more, sometimes I want women more. It just kind of goes back and forth like that. Only after years of self denial did I come around to realize that I am what I am, a bisexual male who believes in polyamorous relationships. Thanks to our culture even those that should be offering support for our alternative life style (some Gay and Lesbian individuals) are fond of preaching about how they thought they were bi too but now don’t believe in it. I’m not surprised he still wants to wrestle with his sexuality, I was the same way. The only advice I have for the two of you is be patient with each other, love each other come what may. And keep in mind that I never had the guts to tell my ex-wife of my bisexuality and lost her. At least he trusts you enough to let you know his fears.

[MissTT]

Wow, thanks for all the responses I wasn't expecting so much feedback! It's given me lots to think about. I'm glad that the majority of you agree that this isn't a phase as I've been discussing it with him and he doesn't get it and gets somewhat angry that I don't agree with him. I think he's still under the illusion that it will somehow "go away"!
I'm glad that I've been able to talk to him about this and for him to express his feelings about it but he's not sure it's healthy talking to him gf about it - I'm not really sure what to say there. He thinks because I just 'fancy' other girls is the same as him actually having sex or thinking about the act with same sex.

anyway i'm just babbling now cos I'm in a rush - but really I just wanted to say thanks to all the responses - will be back with updates and possibly more questions and things. x

[*pan*]

well for me it has become a part of my life, i can't help being bisexual anymore then someone can help being straight or gay, it's my nature. as for other people they have their own thoughts on the subject, i know a lot of people that try it then feel guilty about their acts, never understood that, if i choose to do something then i never feel guilty or bad about it, i consider my self an adult and take responsibility for my actions, not try to blame it on others or waste time dwelling on what i did, i move on with my life and if what i did, i didn't like for some reason i just make up my mind not to do it again, chaulk it up to expirence as one would say and move on. it can be a phase to some. something different that excites them, then they go back to what they percieve as normal in their own time, others realize they are truly bi and accept it, while some lie to them selves and deny they like it or are bi. so u see it's different for everyone. as for your friend well i would say he falls under the catagory of one of the above. maby he truly dosent like it maby he's scared he will become gay, and only wants to be normal according to society's definition, which is not likely unless he is gay and dosent know it but refuses to acknowledge his own desires and needs. truth will always come out in the end. the thing i always relate to when society says something is normal is "what is right is not always popular and what is popular is not always right". this in it self tells me that society tends to go with whats popular but not nessissarly right lol. and yes i know my spelling is atrochious lol

[shameless agitator]

MissTT, you should have him join the site. Lots of our members were in pretty much the same spot as him when they joined & our little community here may be able to help him come to terms with this identity crisis. If nothing else, it would help for him to realize he's not alone.

[Bi_Druid]

There are asexuals too. Not everyone is sexual. Some people just don't have any interest in having sex (and it's totally valid and as real as sexualities are).

Sorry to go off on a tangent, just wanted to agree that BiphobiaFighter does have a valid point. In fact, a close friend of mine lives with an asexual, who I've actually met and he's a very fine person. Apologies for missing it out from the argument I was trying to put, but it still essentially stands, in that we're all consenting adults, and what we choose to do in the bedroom is up to us and we shouldn't be ashamed of it.

[Papelucho]

MissTT:

If he's ashamed of it, it is unhealthy, but I don't know if you're helping him by telling other people that he's bi. When I was first coming to terms with my bisexuality I told my girlfriend at the time that I was bi, but I would have been really upset if she went on to tell other people.

On the other hand it's really nice of you to show such concern for him by asking other people's opinions on this site.

Whether it's a phase or not, he showed a lot of trust in you by telling you. So for me, the better question is...Are you guys "just a phase?" If you're more than that, my advice would be to be supportive, and the shame might start to go away...

Hope that helps, and good luck!