I did it. I came out to my wife...

Sitting in the heat of a late August afternoon, on the edge of an Illinois lake, halfway home from saying goodbye to our youngest child (entering college), I finally had my long-anticipated moment of absolute truth with my wife. While I do not expect kudos (nor should I) for doing the only right thing (especially since my confession was years late) I do feel a sense of relief that I was finally able to gin up the courage and reveal that the man she married is bisexual.

She and I love each other. We are great friends. But, we don't want the same things from our marriage (and it would be unrealistic for me to expect that she would want to stay married while her husband continues to have sex with other people, regardless of their gender). The first thing she desperately needs is someone to talk to. In her pain and confusion, her assessment was that we will more than likely have to make plans to split up. That fills me with sorrow and regret. She said it may be six months from now, or two years from now. In the meantime, she just wants to pretend that nothing at all has changed. I appreciate her candor, and, although I do not want our marriage to end, my strongest desire is to live the rest of my life openly and honestly -- so, if that is her ultimate decision, I will have to face this reality.

Now, I'm finally out to my wife. There is an immense load off my shoulders. I can breath again. It definitely won't be easy from here, but I'm ready to face whatever future awaits. In the meantime, I hear her laughing from the great room and I'm off to watch the Emmys with my dear, best friend. While in some ways it's a whole new world, in some other, very important ways it remains the same.

dearest dan,
such a mixed bag of emotions you must be feeling. i'm just reading as an outsider and i'm feeling more than i can express.
'and the truth shall set you free'......how understated that statement is. whatever your future holds for you and for your wife, i wish you a genuine sense of self and a life that is fulfulling and true.
i've sent you my email address in a private message. i'd be more than happy to lend an ear and words of support to your wife if she should feel she wants to contact me.
it took alot for you to step up like you did. you did what you felt you needed to do and i'm proud of you. i wish you only the best....

~D~

Just read your post and congratulations....not only for coming out to your wife but for being ready to accept what happens. Although I have not had any expereinces yet my wife knows and supports my desires and she too would like to experience the same sex but we have agreed we will only do it together, but I could not imagine if it had not gone that way. I love her so much and would be mortified if we were thinking of splitting up. We wish you the best of luck and success in whatever happens.

I came out too about a year ago and since then my wife and I tried out "sharing" and so far it hasn't worked out, nor has it ended our marriage. All I'm saying is it doesn't have to end. Being attracted to both sexes doesn't mean you have to act on those attractions. Good luck and I hope for the best for both of you.

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Originally Posted by piercedcurious

I came out too about a year ago and since then my wife and I tried out "sharing" and so far it hasn't worked out, nor has it ended our marriage. All I'm saying is it doesn't have to end. Being attracted to both sexes doesn't mean you have to act on those attractions. Good luck and I hope for the best for both of you.

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Your point is something that I've been curious about in others. I know that bisexuality means different things to different people so the idea that it means one needs to have sex with both is foreign to me.

Dan,
I went through that same agonizing decision several years ago now. The weight of keeping my secret and hiding it got heavier each day until I could no longer carry it. I came out to my wife with the realization that I very probably just ended my marriage. As with your wife, there was a lot of pain and confusion. She told me that our bond was broken, and that we would likely split up. Like any spouse who gets this particular bomb dropped on them, her first reaction was to feel threatened. She later told me that what she really feared was that my bisexuality was a stepping stone towards being gay; that she felt rejected and incapable of giving me what I needed. We agreed to take things one day at a time, and frankly the next year was pretty chilly. But in that year, she also saw that I was the same person she fell in love with and became best friends with. She began to see that my bisexuality was just another facet of my being, and that it need not be a threat to her. A little more than a year after I came out to her, one day she told me how my revelation forced her to examine her own life and attitudes and to face some long suppressed issues of her own. She credits me for forcing her to look inward and see that she has some bisexual leanings too. Fast forward to today (8 years later) ; our bond is stronger than it ever was. We encourage each other to explore and to embrace all parts of who and what we are. I tell you this because what your wife thinks and believes on the day you come out, may well change with the passing of time. She may come to realize that what you've built together is worth preserving and building on. She needs some time to realize that what you've told her doesn't mean you're pulling away from her, and that you're the same guy you've always been.
I hope your experience goes as well as mine. Like you, I knew the risk I was taking and I knew going in that I could lose everything. I decided I was prepared to live with whatever the outcome was. But instead I gained something invaluable; my best friend knows my darkest secret and loves me even more for it. I sincerely wish you both the very best.

Please invite your wife to this site. If she needs people to talk to, she can find those that understand here. Many of us came out to our spouses. Many of those spouses have accounts on this site and provide wonderful support.

I would also recommend finding support groups in your area or online for Mixed Orientation Marriages.

Pasa

Dan,

When you first posted your intentions, when you announced your plans after dropping your daughter off, I wrote a flippant answer. (My answer was generated by a personal experience) But, I really think you did the right thing and your wife's response indicated that she listened. She said what she felt at the time, but I hope she will do like another poster's wife did, finally come to accept your bisexuality.

She certainly took it better than my ex did.

I hope things work out for you and that you and she can come to terms with your love and "new" life.

Dan
I pondered whether to send you a PM or write here. For you, this decision has been moving forward probably for some time. Each of us makes decisions over and over again that leads us to certain paths. You chose this point in your life and marriage to disclose to your wife. I'm sure that there are a number of reasons why that happened. I'm sorry that one poster was rather less than supportive but happy that several are showing support for you now. May this decision lead you both to happiness and acceptance.

Hi Dan,

I'm glad you came out to your wife. I am the str8 g/f of a bi-guy.

I like the suggestion of having her come to this website and asking any questions she might have.

Also, there are some support groups for couples who are in a MOM (mixed orientation marriage):

Alternate Paths: which is for the woman of a gay/bi spouse and wants to work on keeping the marriage together. A very positive group, no bashing of the husband. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/alternatepath/

HUGS: a support group where both spouses must join, but also a very positive group. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HUGS_Couples2/

MMOMW: (Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work) either spouse or both spouses may join, also a positive group. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MMOMW/

Good luck to you both.

~~Gfofbiguy

Good to see you made it through your outing. Maybe not the best of all possible endings but, then again, it ain't necessarily over yet. Maybe she'll grow to accept your bisexuality?

Good on you for the follow through, convict. At least you allowed your conviction to liberate you. Sorry that she will ultimately desire separating. But at least you were honest and true.

Congratulations for coming clean. From reading your other thread and posts it mustn't have been so easy and I am glad you feel some contentment from it.

But I am saddened by this at the same time.

You had the opportunity to mull over for a long time before actually telling her. Did you ever think to have some resources ready for her to help her beforehand? I mean... She just had her world turned upside down and now in a way, she needs an outlet and compassion and while she loves you, may not feel you are safe enough for her emotionally. gfofbiguy gave you some excellent resources to start with. I just think having had those ready beforehand would have shown her how much you cared about her feelings and can empathize with her.

I really hope the best for you both and that you both can navigate all the slopes that will come, amicably and with open heart.

I agree with Tidgie Fluffer.. it must have been awful for you both.. brave thing to come clean, but best in the long run.. however things turn out.. my fingers are well and truly crossed for u both and hope in both ur cases that ur stars are soon on the rise once again... kissie n huggle..:)

Bravo!
I'm pulling for ya'!

I can't tell you what a gift this forum is to me and how grateful I am for the compassion, support, and advice from this community. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

The bitterness has set in. For the time being, I am not allowed to sleep in my marital bed. She feels humiliated that I have discussed my sexuality issues and confusion with a few, select, trusted friends. She has requested that I make none of this public to anyone, until she goes through whatever process she needs to go through. Understandably, she feels very protective of our daughter, and doesn't want her to know, either.

She has made it clear that she will not stay in a marriage that isn't totally monogamous. To her, at this point, everything has changed. I've tried to point out that nothing has changed except for our mutual awareness. I still love her. I'm still devoted to her as my wife. I still love our daughter and remain devoted to being the best father I can be to her. We still have a beautiful home together, love the same movies, share the same spiritual beliefs and political points of view. The only thing that has really changed is that she is now aware that I am bisexual, that I desire to have sex with men, and that I'm not sure whether I can live without fulfilling those desires.

I know that her grief and anger will go through stages. I'm willing to sleep on the couch and wait it out, to be there for her when she wants me to be, and to disappear when she doesn't. She has asked repeated, "What is it that you want from me?" My answer consistently is this: "I only want you to know two things: that I love you, and that I'm so, so sorry." She tells me that she knows. I can only hope that she really believes me. That's all I can ask right now.

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Originally Posted by danreidbarmi

I can't tell you what a gift this forum is to me and how grateful I am for the compassion, support, and advice from this community. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

The bitterness has set in. For the time being, I am not allowed to sleep in my marital bed. She feels humiliated that I have discussed my sexuality issues and confusion with a few, select, trusted friends. She has requested that I make none of this public to anyone, until she goes through whatever process she needs to go through. Understandably, she feels very protective of our daughter, and doesn't want her to know, either.

She has made it clear that she will not stay in a marriage that isn't totally monogamous. To her, at this point, everything has changed. I've tried to point out that nothing has changed except for our mutual awareness. I still love her. I'm still devoted to her as my wife. I still love our daughter and remain devoted to being the best father I can be to her. We still have a beautiful home together, love the same movies, share the same spiritual beliefs and political points of view. The only thing that has really changed is that she is now aware that I am bisexual, that I desire to have sex with men, and that I'm not sure whether I can live without fulfilling those desires.

I know that her grief and anger will go through stages. I'm willing to sleep on the couch and wait it out, to be there for her when she wants me to be, and to disappear when she doesn't. She has asked repeated, "What is it that you want from me?" My answer consistently is this: "I only want you to know two things: that I love you, and that I'm so, so sorry." She tells me that she knows. I can only hope that she really believes me. That's all I can ask right now.

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I feel you telling her 'nothing' has changed is rather a flippant remark to her. Her whole world has changed, what she once thought was real and true is now seen as a illusion.. And to say bitterness has set in is rather insulting in regards to her feelings.

She is protecting herself, much as you did for yourself through your deceptions. You had a place and people to go to so satisfy yourself. But she just got blindsided and I am certain she feels she has no where to turn.

All the more reason for YOU to make her aware of resources she can turn to. She hasn't changed, you have in her eyes. You have a responsibility to make this fall she is taking and make is as painless for her as possible. Giving her a soft landing.

By the way you describe in your post.....you are taking the "sit back and wait and see" approach which means you are washing your hands of your responsibilities and leaving it all up to her.

Just as I said before, While you were taking time mulling over telling her, you should have prepared yourself to help her through this by giving her access to information and resources that she can rely on. Cause for right now, she can't rely on you.

I think you are being too hard, LROS. And I think you're reading too much into it. Cut him some slack. It's not easy, and no one gets it right all the way. He's taken the biggest step. Perhaps instead of nitpicking how he didn't get that step 100% right, you could be supportive, and make kind suggestions rather than "I told you..." and "While you were..." accusations.

Pasa

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Originally Posted by Pasadenacpl2

I think you are being too hard, LROS. And I think you're reading too much into it. Cut him some slack. It's not easy, and no one gets it right all the way. He's taken the biggest step. Perhaps instead of nitpicking how he didn't get that step 100% right, you could be supportive, and make kind suggestions rather than "I told you..." and "While you were..." accusations.

Pasa

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While I may admit, the tone you have perceived may sound callous and not how it did in my frame of mind, which was of deep concern and genuine care. It was not meant to be accusatory. But showing how I drew my conclusions. If I wasn't being supportive, I would not have offered any advice at all or given bad advice or said he was a very bad bad bad man. Which I didn't do. Reading too much???? Don't we all at some point????

Honestly, I was just doing what LROS does best, Blunt, Clear, Concise, Honest. Which, usually is more helpful when helping people, than just telling them what they want to hear. There are times when you have to tell someone what they need to hear.

I have helped and supported many through this site. In just the same way I have offered advice with this one. And never has anyone ever complained and even more rare, was someone unappreciative and Many are still my friends today and still seek my advice and support.

If you had noticed, i started that post with the words "I feel" Not YOU ARE.

"I feel" pretty much leads the whole thought process of the post. *Sighs*

And it wasn't an intended purpose to report a failure of his methodology. But merely showing an avenue that is still open to him. And someone who is in a similar situation as He was when he was contemplating telling her, will read this, maybe ponder my advice and see it as something that they may do for themselves.

If it helps one person.. Then it has served a purpose.

I just read a wonderful support wording from LROS to a guy rape victim. Sorry but I think that LROS was too harsh as well in this situation. I do not see this as supportive but an attack even though it has the seeds of advice. Dan doesn't need to be kicked over what he didn't do. That is too late. I do not recall such harsh attack words being given to that woman a few months ago who did this to her religious boyfriend. No one told her to have brochures ready for her boyfriend? I believe that her boyfriend eventually left the engagement. I do think that LROS had the best intention though. I think that others have given more constructive advice to Dan.

Awww shucks...


*goes into the corner and sits in the naughty chair, twirling a curly hair tendril and nervously plays with her boobies. Thinking about her wrongdoings and mumbling "Where's Fran's tidgies when you need them? I want my mommy. Wahhhhh..." Looks in the mirror and notices how cute she looks with her big brown puppy dog eyes and her bottom lip stuck out and finds herself playing a little less nervously with her boobies, but definitely more intensely. Releases a soft moan*

wtf?.......can't anyone just stick to the intended point of threads without making it somehow all about themselves?

Anyway, back to being supportive of Dan. Which should be the purpose of this thread.
Dan, I think you have the right approach. Be there for her when she needs you....when she has questions and needs reassurance. Give her space when she needs to deal with her thoughts and feelings on her own. But remember to always communicate. And let her know you are here for her.
I never took any of your statements to mean you were washing your hands of your responsibilities. It's obvious you love your wife and family.
Hang in there. Many of us are hanging on tight for you.

~D~

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Originally Posted by tenni

I just read a wonderful support wording from LROS to a guy rape victim. Sorry but I think that LROS was too harsh as well in this situation. I do not see this as supportive but an attack even though it has the seeds of advice. Dan doesn't need to be kicked over what he didn't do. That is too late. I do not recall such harsh attack words being given to that woman a few months ago who did this to her religious boyfriend. No one told her to have brochures ready for her boyfriend? I believe that her boyfriend eventually left the engagement. I do think that LROS had the best intention though. I think that others have given more constructive advice to Dan.

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Ditto.

Rather harsh.

Dan, you did the right thing. Congradulations!!! And you're doing right by giving her some space too. Let her process this news and stay close if she wants some answers. It she flips and yells at you, take it. She is in shock and most likely very scared of the future. I know cause I'm just going through the same thing. I came out a year ago and it's still not perfect, but it does get better every day. We're still together and we're still talking and working on it. For me it helped to discover why I had these feelings for men, then communicate them to her the best I can. Your marriage doesn't have to end. Just let her take everything in.

Good luck.

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Originally Posted by littlerayofsunshine

Awww shucks...


*goes into the corner and sits in the naughty chair, twirling a curly hair tendril and nervously plays with her boobies. Thinking about her wrongdoings and mumbling "Where's Fran's tidgies when you need them? I want my mommy. Wahhhhh..." Looks in the mirror and notices how cute she looks with her big brown puppy dog eyes and her bottom lip stuck out and finds herself playing a little less nervously with her boobies, but definitely more intensely. Releases a soft moan*

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Wasn't it you just a few days ago who asked for compassion with your medical condition? How about give some respect back to others when they need it. No one asked for your your snarky, straight from the hip attitude. Be constructive if you must, but be respectful or shut up. You cannot demand respect without giving it first. Shame on you.

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Originally Posted by bemyonly1

If you're not going to be monogamous with her and are just still going to cheat on her with men or force her to accept the fact that you're going to sleep with men despite her wishes that you do not, a divorce is the right thing to do.

If your wife wants a monogamous relationship and you are not willing to give this to her if you respect her you should end the marriage.

I'm a bisexual woman and if I found out someone who I was in what I thought was a monogamous relationship with had been lying and cheating on me I wouldn't let them sleep with me either and I'd end the relationship because they can't be trusted.

You're bisexual having sex with men is not something that you need since you have a wife who you have sex with and you have a relationship with her that should have came first before cheating on her with men and going out and having sex with men did.

Get a divorce if you refuse to stop having sex with men.

You've shown her how you can't be trusted to be monogamous and not cheat on her and lie to her.

I agree with littleray are you unable to stop being selfish and stop thinking about yourself and put yourself in her viewpoint?

You lied and cheated on her for years and knew all long that you're bisexual and you're expecting her to be supportive of your lying and cheating. The whole "nothing has changed for her" attitude is very flippant and so is the whole sit back and wait and see approach is just shifting the responsibility onto her.

You should have told your wife about your bisexuality before you got married and had children.

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My goodness the bitch is back. New name but still a twit who knows nothing about the real world. Still work at Walmart chasing your straight "friend"? Dan, just ignore her, her other name was Bemyonlyone and you can see from the history of her posts despite numerous attempts to help she just refused to listen.


Now to the point of this, just hugs Dan. Being the straight one in a relationship is not easy even if there is no extramarital sex going on. As had been said, please invite her to this site. There are several of us here that are involved with bi men and that will give her someone to talk to.

I agree with LROS,...... offering the wife some resources in advance would have been a good move..... it doesn't change things, but it cushions the blow a lil

many times when i was doing counselling, I have said to people, that the coming out is the hard part.... giving your partner some insight and understanding is the important part.....

with DD, I directed her to the site and allowed her to make her own opinion about me and bisexuality...... and I waited patiently for her reaction...... I can not change the fact I am bisexual, but I can change how the bisexuality is addressed and dealt with within a relationship.....so it was important to me that DD was forewarned and well armed and could come back as me on the same level as I would be talking to her....

she would have the understanding that bisexuality is a attraction to both genders, but not a request to be allowed to sleep with both genders in the relationship and that I accepted and expected rules and guidelines from her in regards to the relationship and what she could handle and cope with....

unfortunately people often see a admittance to bisexuality as a request for extra martial relations as well..... but they are separate issues...... and that is one part of coming out, that we tend to err on..... we do not seperate them both for our partners and in our partners eyes......

the other aspect is that we may be bisexual, but our sexual attractions and desires are only one part of a partnership, our partners own feelings and desires are the other part, and they will not always match ours...... unfortunately, that can end to the ending of a marriage / relationship.... or cheating and discreet liaisions.... or the pressuring of a partner to agree to / allow us to wander, something that the partner may do rather than lose us as a partner.....

Cheating is bad. And we should not do it. I think Dan had had enough on his conscience. We all make bad decisions. We don't all come clean right away. I"m not someone who condones cheating. I especially don't condone people justifying it.

I haven't heard Dan justify it. I've heard contrition, and a desire to get back on the right path. And more, I've heard that he is willing to accept whatever the outcome is. That takes guts.

No, he didn't hit everything he could have done. Yes, he could have had some things ready to show her. Yes, he probably could have been better in his response. But, BOTH people are goign through heavy duty shit.

Never ceases to amaze me that the GLBT "community" is so rife with such assholes who turn on each other. It's just never good enough for many of you, is it? They either should stay in the closet, or come out of the closet, but not do it over dinner, or not too close to Christmas, or Kwanza, and especially don't tell over Ramadan. And you'd better have a full spread of pamphelets and websites in advance, but don't look to eager, and you'd better have just the right tone when you answer questions, but don't tell too much, and make sure you don't hide anything....

FOR FUCK'S SAKE SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY.

Pasa

He didn't say he cheated or wanted to cheat. What he said was that his wife is having a hard time accepting the fact her husband might have desires to sleep with anyone else, regardless of gender.

Yes, they are both going through a hard time and I know it's hard on both. I do feel a bit more sympathy for the wife in this situation as I can just imagine the shock. With LDD, I had a bit of warning and that was BEFORE we were really involved, it wasn't after years of thinking I was his one and only and satisfying his every need and desire and then getting hit with it on an emotional day.

So, Dan, give her time, but also make her aware there are places she can go for information that won't judge her or you for things out of your control.