working through jealousy...

Hey everyone,

Here's my issue…I am bi, have known this for 20 plus yrs. I did box it up and put it aside for 16 yrs as it seemed impractical for me to include in my life. When I put it aside, a large part of who I am and what I liked about myself went with it. I felt like my whole sexuality was muted and my creative artistic, energetic self slipped away with it.

My husband has accepted me some limited time for me to explore my bisexuality, but he is very afraid that in allowing me to do so, I will leave him for a woman. I am quite certain that this will not happen…I don't see why it would. I am happily married and enjoying my life.

I have read many of your responses to Nikki77 and I feel so much comfort in your words. I feel guilty about asking my husband to allow me this opportunity when it clearly pains him to do so.

The question of bisexuality has two aspects. There is how you feel, and then there is what you actually do. He should be fine with how you feel no matter what. But when it comes to what you do acting on your feelings, that falls under the heading of loyalty and commitment. Being bi doesn't grant you automatic permission to void the monogamy clause in a relationship. In that sense it is no different that if you wanted another man instead of some as of yet unnamed woman (assuming she is as of yet unnamed).

Are you asking him to help you fulfill an urge within your relationship, or to adjust to the fact that you have now decided to come clean about your deception so far? He may be interested in enjoying this additional dimension to your sexual appetite if he considers it a pleasant extension of the relationship you have with him. If he is facing a new threat in the form of a belated confession, his enthusiasm might be absent.

You might want to think about trust first and sexuality second. Close couples who have openness and loyalty can manage many of the curves life throws their way. Two people who live under the same roof separated by lies and secrets have probably set themselves up to escape one another when a good opportunity comes along.

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Originally Posted by freshfun

Hey everyone,

Here's my issue…I am bi, have known this for 20 plus yrs. I did box it up and put it aside for 16 yrs as it seemed impractical for me to include in my life. When I put it aside, a large part of who I am and what I liked about myself went with it. I felt like my whole sexuality was muted and my creative artistic, energetic self slipped away with it.

My husband has accepted me some limited time for me to explore my bisexuality, but he is very afraid that in allowing me to do so, I will leave him for a woman. I am quite certain that this will not happen…I don't see why it would. I am happily married and enjoying my life.

I have read many of your responses to Nikki77 and I feel so much comfort in your words. I feel guilty about asking my husband to allow me this opportunity when it clearly pains him to do so.

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When my wife and I first got together, she was BI and I at the time thought myself very str8. I too said she should not be hindered and I was very open to her being with a woman. The first time was rather difficult I must admit. She had gone out with a friend of ours who happens to be a lesbian. They came back to our house after dinner. They came in said hi to me, my wife kissed me said I love you and they went off to the bedroom. For the next hour and a half I sat and worked on the computer. As I sat I did become more and more anxious. I found myself becoming very hurt and down right angry. All the classic questions ran through my head "am I not good enough for her"... "is the lesbian friend better then me..."... "will I lose her to a woman someday..." etc... . Finally they came out from the bedroom, the friend left and my wife came to to hug me. She could tell I was mad. She asked me "how you doin babe" I sat simi ignoring her "I'm fine" and I just pretended to work on the computer. I said so "did you have fun" in the most dis-engenuous voice you could imagine, I was holding back tears, confused, angry, scared, sad.... flooded with emotion. She could feel my anger through my voice and she would have had every right to come back with "what the fuck are you mad about, you said it was ok and now you are mad at me?" This could have been the end of us, right there in that moment... But here is where she was so very sensitive and connected to me. She said I see you are hurting and touched my shoulders, I started to cry and said yes I am so confused. I don't know why I am freaking out, I said it was ok but I am going crazy here. She felt horrified for having hurt me so. Said she only did it because she thought I was so ok with it. I said I thought I was. Now she was full of fear and concern. It was rough. As we talked about it I started to feel better. I started to see I was mostly hurt by my perceived exclusion. Then I realized she had in fact included me. She told me about it before hand, she did everything in the open, she was in fact in our bed as I was in the house. This really was an US experience. I felt stronger, safer knowing that I had been able to give her the space for such a strong thing. Gradually I wanted to know all the details... she told me of how good she felt and how powerful it was that I was in the other room in support of her. How very very good the sex was and how she came 8 times or so. I was both jealous and turned on. She started to kiss me and give me more and more details and stroke me and make crazy love to me. It turned out to be one very intense love making session. I felt so very included in what had happened at that point....

So yes it was very painful, yet very joyous. It bonded us in a special way, our relationship grew even closer. She had a few more dates with our friend and always would tell me all about it afterwards. She loved that she would have sex with her and then later get to have sex with me. She said this was a perfect balance. As I got closer to the friend and everyone developed faith that I was not going to flip out I was brought into watch. Ok now this was a mans dream come true. We eventually had a few 3-somes. Not your typical fmf, more of a ffm both the woman and I exclusively making love to my wife and not touching each other. That was 12 years ago and we are still together and have an amazing relationship.

So the pain can lead to an amazing place. My suggestion is to include him in the journey to the best of his comfort. This is such a strong love your man has for you. Be sensitive and allow him his emotion. Help him understand that it really is a shared experience even if he is not in the room physically.

As men we fear our bi women might be lesbians and have no further need for us. This is the continuing confusion on what bisexual really means. As you said if you are bi and you have a great man and supplement with a woman, or two ;) here and there, why would you leave. Sounds like the perfect balance for the bisexual person. The challenge is to establish and maintain communication throughout your journey together.

Hope you two see this as an opportunity for new growth and closer connection, rather then "lets get through it" and if it gets rough a good couples psychologist can really help with removing the communication blockades

Best of Love to you both!

It is interesting that you have chosen the title that uses the word "jealousy" but what you write doesn't really give an indication that either of you are jealous? You do mention your husband's fear that is often at the root of jealousy though. Other factors within the person may also create a jealous attitude towards partners. If he hasn't exhibited jealousy of you and other men, it may be a different type of fear?

I read your profile and that seems to indicate that your husband is open to bisexuality for himself but seems to give the possible option of including a woman in some form or relationship with your husband. If he gets to know the woman and you begin a same sex relationship with her he may be more comfortable. It seems to me that the fear of the unknown "competition" can increase a feeling of insecurity. If you discuss the possibilities with your husband, maybe there is even an option of some form of a poly relationship. Would you be comfortable sharing her with your husband? Would the other woman be comfortable? Would he be comfortable permitting you one on one time with her?

I believe that the key point is for your husband to become comfortable and not fearful of losing you. These are just a few thoughts that may help him or not. You know him best.

Oh...I just noticed that while I was writing that another person has posted even better details.

Excellent advice and very well written, too! Can't add anything, but to say I've been there, done that, and wish I had that kind of advice to guide me, then.

Ditto here, although my husband and I have yet to meet that man to share between us, everything described above happened in our relationship. It bonded us more strongly than ever in our lives together.

Thank you to all who have replied. Special thank you to just4mefc for sharing your personal story in such detail.

In an effort to keep my post shorter, I have left out a few details.

My husband did know I was bi when we met and knew that I had had a girlfriend for about 3 yrs during my first marriage. He has even met this woman as she and I are still close friends 20 yrs later, although we no longer have a sexual relationship.

My husband has given me consent to explore…however, it is by agreement that I have a "free pass" on a given night to spend sexual time with my new friend. When not on a free pass, I do not have sexual contact with this friend.

What makes him upset is the waiting at home while I'm gone…the things that play out in his head…when I get home he is withdrawn and "shut down" emotionally for a few days. I find this difficult as we are generally very very emotional available to each other. I feel like I am paying a high price to go out to play and I feel that I may be risking my marriage (although he insists I am not.)

I have been open about what I am exploring and I have told him that if this is too difficult for him then I am willing to try to set it aside for a future time and we will discuss it again. This would be difficult for me as I have already set it aside for several years.

We have also explored swinging and he has watched my with female partners and we have 1 time done a full swap although I am not that interested in men other than my husband. This was our attempt to meet my needs with my husband watching. When he watches the closeness between women having sex and he concludes that I must be very interested in having a relationship with women. This makes him think that I could be gay and just not know it yet. I have decided that I prefer to explore this part of my sexuality without him watching because I do not feel free to relax and enjoy the experience with him scrutinizing my every move… he will then ask me several questions about my experience that make me feel "grilled" about it. This isn't to say that I would be opposed to him watching at some point or participating to whatever level is agreed upon by all parties. When I watch my husband orgasm while enjoying someone else, while I may have a very small pang of jealousy, I usually orgasm when he does just from watching that look of vulnerability on his face when he orgasms.

I don't know if this information changes anything that has been offered to me.