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I have no reason to do this, other than to share all this crap about my life. Will anybody read it? I really don't care. Will I regret it? Proably. Will I ever run for political office so that it can be dragged out and used against me? NEVER!!

So, having said that, here I am. Frustrated, confused, still a bit pissed at my whole marraige situation. Perhaps it was all for the best. As I mentioned in my ad, this will give me a chance to explore my sexuality and reconcile it with my life.

Ok, that is a good start for now. We will see where this goes, and why. I can't promise continual entries. Hopefully I can do the sporatic entries and get the stuff out as I can.

Any comments are welcome from anybody bored enough to read this.
Satyr

Yeah,the Aretha Franklin song is awesome but that's not what I'm blogging about. I've noticed lately a common theme in a lot of threads about rights of partners in a bisexual relationship. Some feel partners have no rights, it's all about the bisexual. Some feel the partners matter and deserve to have a say in what happens sexually with their partner. Some feel that bisexuals should not come out to partners and just go behind their backs and have their bisexual needs met. Some feel that being bisexual is the excuse they need to cheat. I don't believe it is. I believe that when you are in a relationship with someone you love, you need to be open and honest about who you are. If there is a compromise that can be reached to help you deal with cravings, you should take it. If there is no compromise that can be reached then you need to make a decision about where you want the relationship to go.

I am lucky, I have a partner that is totally committed to me. I gave him permission to have a male sex partner if he needed but I was told that it would cause more conflict within him. He'd rather be monogamous which suited me just fine as I had just ended a relationship full of cheating.

But people need to respect the fact that not everyone is out there looking for open relationships and vice versa people need to respect the fact that not everyone is looking for a lifetime of faithfulness.

Respect, it's not a bad thing to have for people and will cause fewer issues. Disagreements about philosophies is one thing, constantly telling people they are wrong because you don't agree with their OPINION is another. And yes respect is a lot different from tolerance. Respect means you actually hear the other side's argument, tolerance means you tolerate it. [URL]http://www.geopolitics.us/?p=465[/URL]

Many won't agree with this blog but at least that means you read it and were thinking about what I typed. I love my friends on here even though I want to strangle them at times, but it's the same with LDD, there are times I want to smack the hell out of him when he pops off with a comment to me on voice about America. Doesn't mean I love him any less, he is the same now as he was when I met him. Smartass to the core.

I heard this song the other day on the radio. I was so enthralled by it that I did something I never done before... I noted the exact time and rushed home so I could check out the station's website ([URL]http://www.ckua.com/[/URL]) and find out everything I could about the song (gawd, I love the internet).

So anyway I ordered the album (Artist: Quantic) and it arrived yesterday. It is playing on a my ipod as I tweak the site tonight. Here is the song:

[video=youtube_share;9912bRwjquY]http://youtu.be/9912bRwjquY[/video]

- Drew :paw:

Check out my blog on tumblr millerlarry.tumblr.com

I caught the program I have provided a link to on the H2 Channel. I found it to be very interesting and thought provoking and sort of puts some points on some of the other things that I have been reading about and researching lately----not to be alarmist---but I do think the show brings up some very good points to be considered very seriously--not in a fearful way---but more of--"My eyes and mind are opened, and I no longer have any illusions that things in this world are still---Business as Usual."

I kind of wish that the producers of this program had not necessarily used the title they did for this show, "The Prophets of Doom"----it really kind of puts a more negative cast on the program than what this collection of experts come to conclude at the end of the show when considering all of the potential pitfalls that they feel we could face. They actually end on a positive note I think----a serious one, but still positive nonetheless.

When the show is aired on television---it comes to two hours in running length thanks to the commercials, but that they did make it available on YouTube, the length is right at an hour and a half---if you haven't seen this show--I would urge you to consider taking the time to watch the entire program.

[URL]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5e_gPJ2t9g[/URL]

What I do find the most important conclusion they come to and one I have come to as well---it really doesn't matter if any of those things come to pass in the near future or not---what I find to be important and serves as a motivating factor in my starting the process of totally rearranging my life to conform to what I think are some very clear realities--that when it comes to our very survival---we really have to come to rely upon ourselves and to our networks of friends and family.

By becoming more reliant upon ourselves, we need to start taking responsibility for doing things like raising as much food ourselves, at least when it comes to raising veggies and fruits---even if you only live in an apartment or flat, you can raise enough veggies to supply yourself and your family growing your veggies in containers of all sorts----if you have any sort of a yard--all the better----then set off sections of the using wooden frameworks to grow your veggies. You won't have to cut as much grass and have your yard sprayed by a lawn service. You might have to do some weeding---but this is good exercise and sort of a zen-like, meditative activity, which also has positive health benefits.

There are all sorts of resource materials out there to help you learn how to do that in bookstores via books and magazines and surely on the internet---best to buy hardcopy books though----since they are eminently portable, don't need any sort of power source to use them and they are not vulnerable to loss or destruction of our individual computers, smartphones and tab units or on the "Cloud" computing.

Mother Earth News is a great place to get started learning about all of this, so is Urban Farm.

I think that for reasons that are laid out in this film, like the fact that with oil now being a resource that is fast being depleted and the demand is still high for it----its a matter of supply and demand so ever increasingly--the days of really cheap oil is over, and with our current food supply system relying upon fossil fuels to grow, process and transport our food, food prices will only continue to rise right along with the price of fuel.
If some sort of major event comes down that shuts down that system----in a matter of days---every supermarket that you can get to is going to be empty of food.

We do need to once again return to a system of raising our food locally--it is as the one of the experts on the show said-----this is not a matter of being liberal, conservative or whatever--its a matter of pure simple survival.

When it comes to finding locally produced goods----in most places around the world----if you just look around---you will find that there are networks of people who are going in this direction. They are setting up networks where perhaps one person raises certain vegetables, someone else raises others. Someone might be raising Llamas and Alpacas to harvest their coats then they or someone else will spin yarn, someone else makes clothing from the yarn. One farmer might be raising either Bison or grass-fed, hormone free conventional cattle for beef and others having herds of dairy cows, goats and sheep for their milk---with everyone doing things in more natural ways and with crops--raising heirloom or the best quality hybrid varieties---certainly not using ones that contain Monsanto's GMOs that are now being found to contaminate crops being raised according to official Organic standards.

Not everyone can of course do what I am working towards, finding a suitable property to establish a farmstead, raising my own high quality veggies and some livestock---at least raising critters like chickens, turkeys and rabbits.

Even if you can't or wouldn't want to go live in the country---but want to connect to sources of locally raised veggies, etc--you can for a modest amount of money, find a cooperative where for a set amount of money---you can get a certain amount of field fresh grown veggies---and maybe with some co-ops--you might have to commit to spend some time actually doing some work with them---that is not a bad thing--it really is kind of rewarding to get out and work in a garden or barn to help raise crops or animals. It helps let you know that there really is a deep connection between ourselves and the food that we put on our table--I think that too many people today are now too disconnected with those fundamental connections.

When it comes to living in large metropolitan areas--I don't want to live way out in the country---but I surely don't want to be deep in the heart of a metro area either---where I am looking for places----it is out in the country but by car--if you can run one--is not too far off back into a city---close enough to ride a bike for sure if there is no gas or electricity to run the gas pumps.

Perhaps you might think that old Volty has gone around some sort of bend, perhaps---but I think that moving towards more self-sufficiency is a wise and prudent move.

We cannot rely upon government, the businesses, or much else of the formal structures in our society any longer--I think its clear that those who run those things have their own agendas--primarily that of holding power and money---and everything and everyone else be damned.

I am firmly convinced that we might not be seeing the end of civilization--but I do believe--that the way we have been living as a society is no longer sustainable over the long term and that a crash has to come. I think that if we really need to consider taking a step back from the way we have done things and consider finding a different way to structure and live our lives. We are certainly on the cusp of a major change. Even if you are of an age that you, yourself will not see the change--you owe it to your kids and grandkids to help them learn how to be more self-sufficient--because the younger then are----they are surely going to live to see the real crash come.

I am not saying that "you had better do this or else"--but I am strongly suggesting and urging that you do at least consider some of the things I say and what this show talked about---to go out and start educating yourself about ways that can make you and your family more self-sufficient.

There are other issues with raising your own veggies----it does tend to be expensive to buy organic for many reasons----one of which is once again--the stuff has to be shipped via truck to the store----once you get a stock of seeds and grow your own stuff--you can then begin to save and share heirloom seeds with others.

When it comes to the conventional produce found in supermarkets--not only are there the issues of residual pesticides and herbicides being found in them---you can also find GMOs (genetically modified organisms) in them. Some studies now coming out show that many of the genes that they put in crops to kill the insect pests that eat on them----those things are poisonous to us as well. One final thing with conventional produce----since for each category of vegetable, they only use a very few limited varieties---with two things relating to that--one that if the farmers don't use the chemicals to grow them----they don't do very well and if the chemicals go away---then they are even more susceptible to pests and diseases and with each successful generation of crops---the nutritional values of them go down to the point that it is estimated that within a few short years---most of the conventional produce we eat will have little to no nutritive value left in them at all.

Well----just some things to consider.

Some resources:

[URL]http://www.motherearthnews.com/[/URL]

[URL]http://www.urbanfarmonline.com/[/URL]


I just hope that I can get myself going with a good place, if and before one of these things happens---in the meantime though----I do have one property that I am going to be turning into a green grocer's garden this summer---just about to order my seeds in a few days, then start them next month being ready for planting after the last threat of frost passes and the soil grows warm enough to get the germination going for those seeds that are direct sown.

[QUOTE=still_shy;178468]***I wrote this over a year ago but felt the need to share it with Bi.com despite my misgivings about trolls and such. Maybe there’s a woman out there who’s struggling with her attractions to women or someone who believes negative things about bisexuals. Hopefully this will help at least one person. My life has changed in some MAJOR ways since I wrote this. My family and I moved to Texas from Southern Indiana a little over a month ago. Any new friends I meet in Texas will know that I’m bi…I don’t feel like I have to tiptoe around anymore since we live in a pretty progressive area (thank god). There are groups I can join and places I can go to meet women, without feeling like a weirdo. The other thing that’s changed is I don’t question or damn my bisexuality anymore. I love that part of me and am completely comfortable with it. It just took some getting used to!

I am your average 31 year old married mom. I live in Southern Indiana in a big house on the edge of town. I go to college and adore my pets. My daughter and I like to go to yard sales and shop at Goodwill. I love going camping in the summer and spending time with my family. I love my husband so much it hurts. On the surface, I look like the most average person in the world. In reality, I'm nothing like that. I am bisexual. This might not sound like a big deal but for me, it was life-shaking. I was blissfully unaware for most of my life that I was attracted to women. I couldn't understand why I avoided the friendship of women, why I would get that funny feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever a pretty girl smiled at me. Most people won't understand how something like that can go unnoticed for over half your life. If you're not looking for it, you'll never see it. Bisexuality is like a disease if it's unrecognized. It slowly seeps into every aspect of your life until your relationships suffer and you feel like you're lost in a fog. Once it's acknowledged, it becomes a quest, something that you want to learn everything about and experience all at once.

As a bisexual woman living in the heart of the Midwest, it's tough. I can't tell my friends and family that I date women outside my marriage, I have to hide the bi-themed books I read and keep my feelings to myself. No one except my husband knows what the pink, blue and purple bracelet on my right wrist means. Being bi has had its ups and downs for me. Some days I hate it. I hate being so attracted to the waitress in a restaurant that I stutter when she asks me if I need anything. I hate trolling the dating sites looking for a woman who doesn't mind dating a couple. I hate feeling like no one really knows me, except for my husband and the women I've dated. On the other hand, I love kissing a woman. I love the way her skin feels next to mine. I love the tender, romantic way women court each other. I love and nurture the part of me where my bisexuality lives. I love the way my life feels finally complete when I have a woman in it.

My husband and I have a very strong marriage. It wasn't always this way. Before I admitted my bisexuality, I was closed off and disinterested in sex. Now I feel like there's nothing I couldn't tell him. He understands my need to be with a woman and doesn't get jealous when I check out a girl in the grocery store. Our experiments in and out of the bedroom have strengthened our marriage to the point where I know without a doubt he is my best friend and soul mate. I know it's hard for the mainstream public to understand why a couple would want to open their marriage up to another person. For me, it wasn't a choice as much as it was a necessity. I needed to be with a woman in order to be happy. If I wasn't with a woman, then I needed to acknowledge that I wanted to be. Just being able to admit to myself and him how attracted to women I am has changed my life. I believe I could go the rest of my life without being with another woman. As long as I have my husband by my side, I would be fine. Of course, I am lucky enough to have the option to date women and explore my sexuality. I don't have to find out what life is like ignoring the fact that I'm bi. I consider myself a very lucky woman to have a wonderful, supportive husband.

My first foray into dating outside my marriage was disastrous. I met someone who was completely wrong for me but I was so anxious to experience being with a woman that I ignored all the signs. It grew to the point where my husband was resentful of her and she was jealous of him. Since then, we've adjusted our expectations and found what works. Dating another woman together has it's ups and downs. I remember the first time he was openly attracted to someone and what it felt like when he kissed her for the first time. I was devastated. I remember thinking, “So this is what he feels like when he sees me kiss a woman.” The ensuing night was phenominal but those first few moments were rough for me. Another experience taught me the value of being very clear and upfront about what I was looking for. Yet another experience taught me not to get my hopes up, a lot of women are toying with the idea of being bisexual when, in reality, they have no intention of ever acting upon it. In the last few years, I've been built up and let down more than I have seen things follow through. I've been led on and had twice as many dates cancelled than I have been on. The dating world for a married woman is brutal but I have hope that eventually the right woman will come my way. I have to believe that.

I'm not “out” to anyone, other than my husband and a couple of friends. I don't intend for my family to ever know I am bi. I understand the need to come out, to finally have no more secrets from the people you care about. For me, it would be disastrous so I avoid the subject entirely. I don't think I need my mom to know I sleep with women in order to be a true bisexual. When you're dating women, that's one of the first questions they ask. Are you “out” and to whom? I'm not opposed to coming out, I think it's right for some people and not good for others. In my life, there aren't many people who would understand my need to be with women and my husband's understanding of that need. Southern Indiana isn't exactly a progressive state like that. Around here, you're considered the oddity if you're gay. Gay people are laughed at, made fun of, and in general, avoided. Coming out for me would mean my daughter would be aware of my sex life, something I really want to avoid. I don't think it's anyone's business what and who my husband and I do in our bedroom. There are people who chastise me for not coming out. I've been called a closet bisexual and more, in chat rooms and by women I've tried to date. Maybe I am but it's my decision to make. I don't need the complications in my life right now. When my husband and I move away to another state, away from our family, I probably will be more open about my sexuality.

Living in a closed minded Southern Indiana town as a bisexual is hard. There are no groups I can belong to, no one I can really trust. I feel like I lead a double life. On one hand, I'm a devoted wife and mother, a college student and on the other hand, I'm a bisexual woman who is in an open marriage. When I talk to my friends, as few as they are, I can't really be myself. I feel like I'm putting on an act. It's hard when I hear people talk about how bisexual people can't make up their mind. I've heard people say bisexuals just need to pick a sex and stick with it. Believe me, we would if we could. It's not easy being attracted to both sexes. For me, I wouldn't have it any other way. Although it's hard, I love myself as I am and wouldn't change. Being bisexual isn't something you can turn off and on like a switch. It's as deeply a part of your genetic makeup as eye color. There have been many times in the last few years that I have wished it away as hard as I could.

The other thing being bisexual has taught me is the value of loving and accepting myself. Okay, really it was my husband who taught me that but it was a result of being bi. I've learned that I can't stuff myself into a cookie cutter mold of what I think the perfect wife and mother is. The day I realized I was bi was also the day I took all of those preconceived notions and threw them straight out the window. Not that it was instantaneous, it was a long, difficult process of soul-searching and self-discovery. It was so hard to realize I was never going to be the woman I imagined I would be when I was growing up. I had to take everything I believed and shatter it. My image of self shifted. I'm still a great mom and wife like I always wanted. I'm still the person I worked really hard to be. I'm just a slightly different person and that's okay with me.[/QUOTE]

[video=youtube_share;6xSGLZd9Vg4]http://youtu.be/6xSGLZd9Vg4[/video]

No one has made a blog post since before the site update on Monday (or therabouts) so I thought maybe I should, to test things out and do a brain dump.

So busy lately, but it feels good to be making progress and getting things done. The next priority is talk to the programmer about all the variables that I need to be access fromthe homepage and peoples' Profile pages so I can make the changes there that I feel need to be done. That will go a long way to taking the site to the next level.

And good news! We got approval from the credit card billing company to take credit cards! So next step there is to hash out exactly what goodies "Bisexual.com FanClub" members will have and put them in place.

And I am taking an online course that is taking too much of my time - ugh! I thought it would be a walk. But I am actually having to put in 6 hours a week or so of work! Oh well I need it as a prerequisite for the course I really want which starts in April. So I tough this one out. So an online class tonight on top of everything.

Okay, let's see if this posts...

- Drew :paw: