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There was a point when no one had heard anything about him. No one knew where he was, and the family feared that the police was going to show up any minute now to tell us that they found him dead somewhere. Maybe he'd left the state? Maybe he was in jail because the cops finally caught him doing... shit and they could finally make it stick? We didn't know.

He just showed up at my front door one day and he looked... okay. Didn't want to answer any questions about where the fuck he's been for the last couple of months. He said, "You know why I'm here, right?" Yes... I knew. It wasn't like I "wanted and needed" him in that sense. He wanted to have sex with me, and I was going to accommodate him... because it's what we do; it's what we've always done. And it was the best sex yet. Not rough but urgent, like he'd gone without any sex while he was "missing." Still refusing to answer questions even though he knew that I was going to tell our mom that I saw him and that he was okay but, nope, he wouldn't tell me where he had been.

I never found out, either. Still, whenever he came by to visit, it wasn't because he wanted to say hi and engage in pleasantries. He said, one time and as I was riding his dick, "You know, it's fucked up that the only time I want to see you is when I need some good dick..." and I agreed that it was really fucked up but that I also knew that we weren't going to change anything about that. I had asked him once if this ever bothered him and he said that it didn't because... it just didn't. It really didn't bother me (and hadn't for a very long time at this point) but I just wanted to know if it did. He did say that the only thing he worried about was showing up and me saying that I wasn't going to have sex with him anymore. And I had thought about that, too. Like I said, the dual immorality of it all wasn't lost on me but did it really matter? I didn't love my brother and like I was supposed to but I could make love to him... and that also had to count for something... didn't it? Yeah... I would find myself all up in my own head about it and acknowledging the sheer wrongness of it while also acknowledging the sheer... humanity of it, too.

And I was okay with it because it made no sense not to be. Having regrets or guilt about it made no sense because I sure as hell enjoyed the shit out of having sex with him and just as when I'd have sex with any other guy, I saw no point in feeling regret or guilt over something I wanted to do. Did that make me a pervert? Did it make him one as well? I don't know and I gave up wondering about that at some point in time. He'd show up because he... wanted or needed me and maybe I really did feel that strong desire for him as well... and that had to be worth something because that was much better than me beating him to a pulp whenever he'd start a fight with me...

And I did wonder if he did this because he knew we'd wind up having sex and it would be good. Maybe. I had asked him and he just... shrugged. God, I hated him for ignoring me like that and it was ass-kicking time which led to us, once again, having some fucking amazing sex. And I'd given up trying to figure out how the fuck that worked and kept working.

Because it didn't matter. This was all we had as brothers. Sucked that we had so much hatred for each other and knowing that he hated me because I had agreed that our mother did the right thing by throwing our alcoholic father out. Knowing that I hated him because he had so much hatred for our mother and talked about harming her, well, um, until that day she had her shotgun in his face and her finger on the trigger - but that's another story for some other time.

If I'm to be damned for this, I'm... okay with it. Wouldn't change a thing that we did and maybe, just maybe, because it was fate. I dunno.

The double dose of immorality of it all was never lost on me at any time. Never. It made me question it. How could something that everyone says is so bad feel so good? Because it's supposed to feel good... and even with your brother if it went down like that. When we were together, we were brothers... and we weren't; the reality said that we were two bisexual guys who could find great pleasure with each other and it was, obviously, the only way we could get along with each other without trying to kill each other... and that had to be worth something, didn't it?

I would sometimes find myself just watching him as he sucked my dick or rode it. He would be so... focused. Almost determined in a way I never understood. Yeah, sometimes and when he was pissed with me, it showed when he fucked me, ramming his dick into me almost as hard as he could - but not as hard as I suspected he really could because he knew - as I did - that we'd be fighting and where was the fun in that? It was expected since there were times I'd do the same thing to him and his "punishment" would be "worse" since my dick was bigger than his...

And he was one of the few guys in my sexual life who wasn't... fussy. While other guys were going on and on about big dicks, huge amounts of cum, being able to fuck continuously for hours on end, my brother... didn't give a fuck about any of that shit and that's a direct quote from him. Oh, sometimes, we'd joke about our father "cheating him out of a few inches" but it didn't matter to him any more than it mattered to me. We at least had this in common, too... and that had to be worth something, right? With him, it was always cum in his mouth, then cum in his ass so he could then cum in my mouth and ass. We got into the habit of 69ing as the thing to do when it was "just about" sucking each other off. There were times when he would bogart me, shove me onto my back and almost literally slam my dick down his throat and suck me until I came - then let go of me and say, "I needed that... and you got some work to do until you get hard enough again." We... took turns being the "aggressor" and depending on either individual need or, yeah, we were angry with each other.

I said to him one time, "You know I can kill you right now, don't you?" and while I was burying my dick in his ass. He said, "I know... but bust a nut in me first before you do it." Were we joking, albeit dangerously, with each other in these moments? I don't think we were, and I don't think he did either which just made all of this even weirder.

I could tell he watched me as I sucked him and I would hear... something in his voice whenever he'd say something like, "Damn, you are so fucking good at this!" A compliment... or just a matter of fact as far as he was concerned? I didn't know but such things would make me feel closer to him... and that had to be worth something.

But the reality of all of this had long since settled into my mind. About as wrong as anything can get... but just as right since it was obviously a very normal thing for boys to have sex with each other and, well, duh, my pain-in-the-ass brother was a boy. You might not be able to imagine what it was like for me to have him screwing me and it was so fucking good and having him whisper in my ear, "You know I fucking hate you, right?" Yeah, I knew it and I hated him, too... but he could screw me like no one else could and he would often say the exact same thing to me. It didn't make sense, but it was proof to me that you really didn't have to like someone to have amazing sex with them.

After his death - and a couple of days after what would be the last time we'd have sex with each other - I felt like the biggest slimeball ever because my fondest memories of him were every time we had sex, from the first time to that last time. He was a... better bisexual than I was because he wasn't all in his head about it like I was; I wanted to know everything about this and... he didn't give a fuck about it. He would say, "I just know what the fuck I like and it don't matter to me as long as I'm doing what I like doing..." which would sometimes be followed with, "Are you gonna give up the dick or what?"

And like Pavlov's Dog, I would give it up right along with giving up my ass to him... because it didn't make sense not to and along the lines of it not making sense to stop doing something we'd been doing all this time. We talked about that night we got caught and I was... surprised to learn that while our mother read me the riot act, not only was he not afraid but he said that he was waiting for her to stop bitching me out so we could get right back to doing it and even said, "You owed me a nut in my ass and I wanted it and I was hoping that you wasn't gonna be a punk about mom reaming you out!"

I wanted to punch him dead in his face... but I understood because it wasn't like I had ignored what our mom had said but... I didn't care about it and neither did he. I knew he was having sex with his boys... because he never hid the fact that he was. It was... touching to hear him tell me about having sex with them and him insisting that they weren't as good at making him feel good as I apparently was and, yeah, I gave up trying to get him to explain that to me, not because he couldn't, but because he just didn't care to. "You're the best so just leave it alone and gimme some dick and hurry up because I got other shit to do!"

And I'd give it to him. Not because I loved him or even trusted him to an extent. More... out of a grudging respect for him as a man and on top of me knowing that out of all of the guys I'd had sex with, it was so much better with him... and I had had a hard time admitting this to myself given how much I also despised him.

He went through that same crazy thing I was still going through. He wanted to suck my dick a lot; he wanted me to fuck him a lot. He was getting the hang of fucking me and because he wasn't shooting, god, I could suck his dick for long periods of time because it felt so good in my mouth and it was either better or worse because I had realized that we came from the same parents - we both got our dicks from them. I knew what the word "incest" meant and knew that it should never be done between brothers and sisters because it was very bad... but when our parents bothered to explain this to me - and because, I think, they knew I was "physically developed" enough to have sex, my kid logic said that, okay, me and my sister shouldn't be doing it but we were but what they told me specifically said that it was bad for brothers to do it to each other... but that was a dodge because I knew that boys weren't supposed to do it already.

And whatever fear I had at first vanished quickly because we were doing it as many times a day that we could get away with and, again, sleeping in the same bed made it easier. Later in life, I would wonder if my parents had decided to get us bunk beds for reasons other than finally giving us our own beds to sleep in but even then, it didn't stop us from being awake in the dead of night and winding up in each other's bunk and doing it. I recently commented on a post that I was sucking his dick when he came for the first time and the short version here was that it was a big and proud moment for both of us and i was smart enough to know that if there wasn't another guy who wanted to do it, my pain-in-the-ass little brother would always want to do it. He couldn't wait to shoot his stuff in my butt... and I couldn't wait to feel him do it. It was... "nastier" than it already was because we weren't just two boys - we were brothers but that made it a... good nasty? I had no words for how I was feeling about screwing my sister and my brother but I would intuitively understand some shit about sex that drove home some other shit about having sex.

It was only bad if you got caught doing it. My sister knew we were doing it and said that she wasn't going to tell - and didn't care - as long as I could eat her pussy and fuck her whenever she needed me to... and she needed me to a lot because, as she had said, she trusted me more than the other guys who wanted to fuck her. I was in a moral pickle and one that if our parents ever found out, I would be dead meat and maybe even literally.

As I've mentioned here many times on the various posts, our mom caught me fucking my brother and to this very day, I believe that she knew about it all along and had picked that moment to make it stop which, um, it didn't. It got weird between us after our mom threw our dad out because of his drinking problem and that moment affected my brother in some very bad ways and ways that would drive a wedge between us going forward and, again as mentioned here, we really did hate each other... except when we'd have sex. We could fight (and I'd kick his ass every time and with prejudice) and turn right around and deliciously suck and fuck each other - and go right back to fighting. We'd become adults and his life was still on that bad track and I was happy not to have anything to do with him but if he came looking for me, I knew why and he made no bones about seeking me out because he wanted some dick and, according to him, I still had the best dick he's ever had.

Sue me: Sex with my brother was very damned good and I'll say now that he handled his emergence as a bisexual better than I did because he saw no reason to think about it like I did. As I've shared here before, I didn't want to do it to him and at the time he started pestering me about it, we were still sleeping in the same bed and having him all up under me was bothersome because my hormones were telling me to just do it but there was always that threat of our parents catching us and I had nightmares about what they'd do to me.

He wore me down. Made me cave in. Pestered and bothered me about it until I finally said okay. Now, at this point, I had suspected that he might have been doing it with his little cadre of friends or, at the least, he'd been hearing about it and wanted to try it but I had had enough of him bothering me about it but in true big brother fashion, I was gonna teach him a lesson and starting with him sucking my dick and hoping it would make him barf or chicken out or something. And.. he didn't. We went to one of the hideouts us older guys used to have sex and pulled out my dick and said, "Put it in your mouth and suck it!"

I remember the look on his face... and it wasn't fear. He said, "Okay!" and went right to it and I would think later that it wasn't his first time sucking dick but I was still mad at him (but, really, mad at myself more) and he was still gonna pay for making me do this so when i was about to shoot, I didn't say anything and just let it happen, figuring that would freak him out... and it didn't. Oh, he was surprised but if it was possible to smile with a dick in your mouth, I could've sworn that he was smiling as he swallowed my stuff.

It was good... and I felt bad and a reality settled in on me: He wasn't going to be happy with just doing it one time and a truth that said that I wasn't going to be happy either. I sucked his dick - and knowing that he couldn't shoot - but it still felt good and he said that it did and I sucked him until I got tired and when I stopped he asked, "Are you gonna stick it in me now?" I... didn't want to but I wanted to. I put a lot of spit on my dick and smeared even more between his cheeks, got on top of him and said, "This is going to hurt..." and pushed my dick right in him. He didn't tense up. He didn't cry out. That little motherfucker said, "Oh! That feels good! Do it to me!"

So much for me teaching him a lesson. When I shot my stuff in his butt, he actually sighed and giggled a little and when I pulled out, the only thing he said was, "I can't wait for us to do it again!" And the "harsh" truth that I couldn't wait either. That night and under the cover of darkness, we did the same thing we'd done earlier that day but this time, he climbed on top of me and after some... difficulty getting his smaller dick in me, we managed it and he screwed me and it felt... wonderful. Better than when my friends screwed me. We didn't get much sleep that night and, in retrospect, I don't know how we didn't get busted because even now, I can recall how noisy we had been.

I still had to deal with feeling bad for (1) being pestered into doing it, (2) doing it, and (3) understanding that I liked it. It would be a lot of years before I would really understand why it was so good and understanding what it meant to create a monster.

I remember the last night I spent with him and that's when he told me that they would be moving away and pretty soon. I felt... crushed. it wasn't fair! Of course, I didn't want him to go any more than he had wanted to go but, yeah, I knew the deal behind that one - you go where your parents go and if you don't like it, well, sorry about that and you'll get over it.

We... made love for the last time and I'd realize that it was what we'd been doing all along. We sucked and fucked each other until neither of us could get hard again and it was comforting - but hurtful - to be cuddled up with him as we drifted off to sleep. Yeah, we did it again when we woke up but there was still that air of sadness around us and it was hard to hold back the tears but we both managed to.

I would and do remember being at the breakfast table and his mom asking us what was wrong and why were we looking like a couple of Sad Sacks and we kinda shrugged and mumbled something about being okay when, clearly, we weren't but that made sense given the news he gave me. We get finished with breakfast and just before we were about to go outside, his dad took me aside, saying that he needed to talk to me.

He explained why they were moving - he'd gotten a really good job and, well, they had to go where he was going to be working and I understood that. He had said, "I know how the two of you are such good and close friends..." and I nodded to acknowledge that but a moment later, my "heart stopped" when he said, "And I know how really close the two of you are... and it's okay, okay?"

I almost pissed myself! He knew what we were doing all those nights we spent together? One look at his face told me that, yeah, he knew and had known all along! My stomach felt watery and my knees were shaking but he just smiled at me and told me to always remember what it was like to have sex with someone you really, really cared about and to understand that it was all for the better. Now, go outside and catch up with him before he starts to worry!

A few days later, they - he - was gone. It bothered me, too. It was like breaking up with a girl you really liked but not that bad but, yeah, it sucks to lose a friend like this. For a while, having sex with the fellas wasn't the same or, really, it didn't feel the same even though it would be good sex and with plenty of jizz expended in the doing. But, as they say, time heals all wounds and, well, that's what happened. I still missed him and his friendship but I had the memories that helped ease the hurt and pain of it all. Did I really love him? I can't really say because I don't really know. We were... made for each other. That first kiss happened... because it was supposed to and, yeah, I can still remember how it took my breath away.

We were... special together and in a way I'll never forget...

When he shot his stuff in me, man, I can't even explain today how it had made me feel. I would think that maybe, just maybe, I had fallen in love with him... but it didn't actually feel like that and I've never been able to really make sense of how I felt in that moment.

He'd pulled out and kissed me "for real" and said, "That was so nice!" And I had to agree with him. But now it was my turn to screw him and, well, it had to happen even if I didn't really understand it at the time. While he had screwed me while I was on my stomach, it just... made sense to do it to him in the position girls liked to do it and... it felt so right. He didn't flinch or cry out in pain as I entered him and, again, later on, I would recall how it felt like my dick was made to be inside of him; I would recall how he wrapped himself around me and kissing my face and lips as I fucked him and I wanted it to go on forever and I felt that he did, too, but I couldn't hold it back and a part of me didn't want to and I came in him and it would be a great many years later when I'd cum in my new boyfriend and I'd feel the way I did that night.

We didn't get much sleep that first night. In the morning, it was... different. I would realize later that we were more... connected than we had been before last night. It wasn't love - or I didn't think it was but I could sense that we both had... feelings for each other. We went through our day talking about what had happened last night and if you were to have heard us talking about it, you would have thought that we'd been doing it to each other for a long time. He had this... smile on his face that was so... beautiful; he'd laugh about something and it was infectious and I'd find myself either laughing or smiling but the one thing we both had on our mind was that bedtime wasn't getting here fast enough.

Once we climbed into his bed, we were already naked and we hadn't even bothered to look for our PJs. It felt so good having his body close to mine and feeling his erection against my stomach and he made me laugh when he said, "Your cock is hard!" and, well, yeah, it was. I showed him how we could suck each other's cock - er - dick at the same time and, again, you would have thought that he'd been doing this for a long time and as I had been. Even though there was the risk that we could get caught doing it, there was no sense of urgency that I can remember but we weren't exactly taking our time, either. I would, one day, understand that some guys are just... a natural at sucking dick and my friend was such a natural; I even remember that when I came in his mouth the night before, he didn't complain or make a face or anything like that - he just swallowed my stuff and smiled at me once he was done doing that.

This time wasn't any different. His dick felt so good in my mouth and I was really into sucking him so I could taste his stuff again and it seemed to take a very long time (but it really hadn't) for me to feel his dick stiffen and his stuff shot into my mouth and it was like I couldn't get enough of it. We fucked each other and it was better than the first time and I couldn't get over the fact that until we'd done it the night before, he'd never done it with a boy and, according to him, had never thought about it. He said, "I just felt like we had to..." and I knew I'd felt the same way. Was it love? I still don't think it was but it was... deep. We sucked and fucked each other all through the night and going to sleep, well, it never occurred to me that we should go to sleep and yeah, we were some very tired puppies when we came down for breakfast and I would remember thinking that what we'd done made losing a night of sleep worth it... and then some.

I was friends with a lot of guys and guys that didn't mind doing it... but this was so different. Again, I would think that maybe we were really in love with each other but I would also understand that we had a special... chemistry that made having sex with each other feel like nothing I'd felt before. That Sunday night was even more special because I'd be going home in the morning and, well, it made both of us cry. I remember the tears rolling down my face and I was spooning him from behind and just holding him when I felt him grinding his butt against me before he said, "Put it in me like this..." and I did and, man, did it ever feel good doing it to him like this. I would realize that we were "having a moment" and one that meant so much to the both of us and it had done my heart so much good to do it to him while comforting him by reminding him that there would be other weekends.

It broke my heart when, a month later, he and his family moved away.

I often think that those of us who are into sex with guys knows that one guy who is... just perfect for it and in every way imaginable. There was this one guy I grew up with and, as the saying goes, we were tighter than white on rice and you just couldn't help but like the guy. He was smart and funny and just so outgoing that if you were having a bad day, just him saying hi to you would make your day better.

We did a lot of things together and, um, once I found out how good it felt to get some dick, oh, yeah - I wanted him; I wanted him to know what I now knew and even more so when I'd seen him naked quite a few times. Later on in life, I would realize that I had feelings for him that was more than friendship but in that moment, well, I really liked him and, really, how could you not like him?


I was spending the weekend with him which was always a joy and a lot of fun and more so when we had so much in common with each other. One the first night, we were lying in bed and reading the newest SpiderMan comic I had gotten and we were close to each other as we read it and just having a good time doing it. I remember how... comfortable it felt being that close to him and how good it felt. We were about maybe halfway through the comic book when, in a moment where we were looking at each other, he leaned forward and... kissed me lightly on the lips. It was the weirdest thing, too! It caught me off guard but, okay, you kissed girls but boys didn't kiss... did they?

I had asked him, "What was that for?" and he said, "Because I really like you and, um, it just seemed to be the right thing to do." From my perspective, one moment we were lying close to each other and in our PJs and the next moment, we were both naked and I can remember... how totally natural it felt. We sucked each other off and it was... magical - and I know I'm sounding corny by saying it but that's how I felt. When we were talking about it, he admitted that he'd never done something like that before but he, too, felt that there was something special about our friendship and that's what made him kiss me and, by the way, I had kissed him back... and it made me feel wonderfully dizzy and lightheaded.

It just seems equally normal for us to fuck each other and, at the time, I'd never been screwed with so much... tenderness before. It took him a moment to follow my instructions on how to put it in me but he got the hang of us and it was so good and it was like we were supposed to do this and should have been doing it all along.