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[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]In truth, I despise the dark and "bad" moments I've experienced and those I've made someone experience. I hate knowing that when a guy is fucking my mouth or my ass, yeah, I'm his bitch, a whore, mostly a means to an end because his lust doesn't care if he likes me or not... and I hate knowing that I can be the same way and even worse when my lust is in control of things.

But they are what they are. The bad moments have to happen even though we all do our best to avoid them, to not be some guy's whore of a bitch, his cum dump, a slave to his passion and sometimes having our passions and desires ignored... and we get to understand that the nice guy with his clothes on can be a very different animal when he's naked and his cock is hard... and just like we can be.

I understand why some women who "regret" their decision to be fucked will just lie there and be fucked. I understand how being made to orgasm can not feel good and because of the way - and even the person - is making you cum. I understand why many women do not enjoy sucking cock, not because a dick is that hard of a thing to suck... but the guy attached to it is a very different matter.

I hate hearing him say, "Yeah, suck that dick, bitch...;" it makes me see red and I want to maim and kill... and I'm sucking his dick and wanting him to cum in my mouth because I'm the whorish bitch he says I am and I know that when he cums and I consume his sperm, I will do it again; I will be that cock sucking whore of a bitch because I like being the girl, being the bitch and, yeah, being bred, inseminated, filled with his sperm.

I hate the way it makes me feel... and I love the way it makes me feel. I've been ridden hard and put away wet more times than I care to think about and I've hated every moment of being subjected to his lust... and have hated to know that I will do it again... because I love doing it and I need to do it.

I need to suck his cock, to release his lusty beast, to entice him to feed me his sperm; sometimes, I need him to fuck me, to take away my manliness and make me feel his cock expand just before he pumps hot sperm into my very sore rectum. I hate knowing what he's doing and why he's doing it... because it's the same reasons why, when he withdraws from me and leaving me feel empty, I'm going to mount him and do the same thing to him except, if he made me angry while he used me, I'm going to take it out on his asshole whether he likes it or not.

I hate the darkness. I hate the moments when I've felt helpless, not in control of myself or him, to feel the power of his lust, to have it in my mind that having sex with him wasn't the smartest decision I've made and I've vowed many, many times not to do this again.

And I do. I always do. I revel in the helplessness, wither under the power of his lust as he fucks his cock into my mouth, his cock swells as he falls into the abyss and his sperm is flowing. My own lust is screaming in delight when my cock is in his mouth and preparing to make him feel very bitchy as my sperm flows into his mouth. Maybe he's hating the darkness of the moment just as much as he loves it. He could resist just as easily as I could; maybe, as I fuck into his mouth, he's thinking the same thing I am, that this was a very bad decision and now there's no other choice but to go with it even though a mere word could stop it from continuing.

I want to say it; I want to say, stop, get away from me, get out of me, I hate what you're doing and the way you're making me feel and, I so very much regret wanting to do this with you. And I don't. But I have said it, have made him stop and, yes, sometimes, I've physically gotten him away from me and in painful ways when necessary... because I hate the dark moments, those "what the fuck did I get myself into" moments.

Those moments that I know I will experience again and again... because I want to experience them while not wanting to. Do you understand it? Have you had a dick in your mouth or in your ass and you've hated every goddamned moment of it? Feel like it's the biggest fucking mistake you've ever made? Walked away feeling soiled, dirty in ways no amount of soap and water can ever wash away, and feeling used, just a piece of ass, only a means to a spermy end? Maybe feeling disrespected, uncared for, and unappreciated?

Do you ever hate doing what you love to do? I do. Been there, done it, hated it like nothing I've ever hated before in my life, being used and abused all because the other guy needs to use and abuse you so he can inseminate you like the bitch you are... and knowing that when the roles are reversed, you're making a very manly man your bitch and pumping your sperm into him.

These are the things we don't talk about. We always talk about how good it was or how it didn't meet our expectations... but we don't talk about how it really makes us feel other than good, do we?[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Some guys love being the sexual aggressor, to be the dominant one and making the other guy submit... even if he's not the submissive type of guy.

I've had many dark moments, moments that made me question myself about being bisexual. Women are pains in the ass to deal with and especially sexually... and men can literally be a pain in the ass. It took a lot to not let the dark moments put and keep me down, to question my worth and value as a man and a person when a guy is spreading my ass cheeks apart and his cock is spreading my asshole wide so he can fuck me until he cums inside me and just like he would if I were really female and being subjected to his lust.

I've caught myself going to the dark side, relishing the other guy's discomfort as he suck my cock and I get to the moment where fucking into his mouth just happens... because it's supposed to... and I want to cum in his mouth and even more so when he'd prefer I not cum in his mouth. If - or really when - I cum in his mouth, oh, is he gonna be some kind of pissed off and I don't care... and I know I should care... but sometimes I don't and if he wants to fight, okay - we can do that and the darkness says the fight will be with brutal intent and someone's going to get very seriously injured... and it ain't gonna be me.

I feel the darkness when I mount a guy, knowing what he's feeling as I push my dick into his ass and in whatever way the dark power of lust says I should; the darkness loves watching it go into that forbidden place, stretching it open, making it hurt in good and bad ways and I just want to fuck him like I would a woman, to make him my bitch of the moment, to dominate him and make him aware that in a moment, I'm going to seed him like I want him to have my babies. And I know - because I've been where is he - that he both loves it... and hates the fuck out of it.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]And knowing, as I feel his sperm starting to leak out of my gaped-open hole, that one day, I'm going to run into another guy like this, someone who is going to make me second-guess myself over why I thought it was a great idea to have sex with him.

Have you ever been fucked and found yourself not wanting to be there... and knowing that you wanted to? Do you know what it's like to be called a bitch, something that, normally, you'd kick someone's ass for but now, with his dick reaming your butt out, you're really being a bitch... his bitch and one he can do anything he wants to... but knowing you have the ability to stop him, to do serious harm and damage to him... and you just lie there and let him slake his lust at your expense?

Some guys actually like being in these dark moments - but I'm not one of them... but experiencing them never stopped me from being with another guy and knowing, in some encounters, I'm going to be the one making him wish, hope, and pray that I hurry up and cum so he can no longer be subjected to the power of my lust.

Do you know what it feels like to have another man at your mercy? To grab his head and hold it in place as you fuck his mouth like you would a woman's pussy? To see him struggling to keep up, trying to breathe, wanting to get away but not so much? What it's like to manhandle him into whatever position you want and then drive your cock into him and in a way that's guaranteed to let him know the pain and discomfort in having a hard dick bucking traffic? To hear him moan, try to resist, and hearing him urging you to fuck him... and the decent kind of guy you are is letting your lust take you to the dark side and gleefully driving your cock into his once-tight asshole until you cum... then that moment of clarity arrives and you see and feel the results of the darkness your lust is capable of.

And he just might be thinking that this wasn't really a good idea.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[SIZE=3][FONT=verdana]All those times when I felt like a victim or that deer in the headlights or even that one time I was careless, inattentive, and just plain stupid and wound up being drugged and raped... and the deeper, more personal realization - and, perhaps, humiliation - knowing that even though that asshole took me without my consent, damn, he did suck and fuck me well.

You probably can't imagine what it's like to be drugged and kinda disconnected from yourself... while some guy is alternating between sucking the cum out of you and filling your mouth and ass with cum... and you can't do a damned thing about it because not only are you drugged, but you're tied up as well.

The shame of it. The humiliation. The helplessness. Watching him straddle me and sit down on my cock and ride it until I came inside him and knowing that I hated every moment of my captivity and imprisonment... while enjoying every damned bit of it. Feeling the rage, the hatred, the urge and need to get free and, yes, the urge to kill while understanding that I wouldn't have been in this situation if I hadn't been so stupid and unaware.

And then understanding that he was just being who and what he was and, in a very weird way, it wasn't his fault - it was mine and, yeah, I really did try to kill him when I got free and whatever drugs he gave me wore off.

Being in that moment where you realize that the "nice guy" you wanted to have sex with turned into a "monster" once the clothes came off and then experiencing the very sickening - but delightful - feeling of being treated like a girl, being made to suck his dick then manhandled into position and feeling his cock ramming into my ass and without any consideration of how such a forceful entrance is making me feel.

And knowing that even once he's done using me, I'm not going to get a chance to use him in the same way. The shame of being his bitch, the physical pain of being roughly fucked, the humiliation of knowing I'm just another piece of ass for him as he unloads his seed into and hearing him talking about how good my pussy is.[/FONT][/SIZE]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Being the object of a man's lust wasn't always a good thing to experience. While sucking cock and/or being fucked can usually be placed in a glamorous kind of light, eh, sometimes, there is no light - there is only the darkness, the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness being on the receiving end of a man's lust and knowing, in no uncertain terms, that all you are to them is a means to an end.

I got to understand why women are the way they are about sex, why they have this overwhelming need to protect themselves against us - men.

I can't count the many times I've been on my back or on my stomach, feeling a hard cock in my ass and its owner savagely pounding me, jarring my body so hard I wanted to throw up as well as being "at his mercy" and fervently wishing that he'd hurry up and cum so he could get out of me... and I could escape albeit not unscathed. I'd learn the hard way that what sounded like a good idea at the time could be anything but a good idea.

I can't count the many times I've had a hard cock rammed into my mouth and throat and to the point where I wanted to barf, couldn't really catch my breath the way I needed to, and my mouth and throat would be raw and sore... and the worst of it all was hearing the guy fucking my mouth saying, "Yeah, bitch... suck this good dick..." or other such sentiments that would anger me and, again, have me wishing that he'd hurry up and cum so I can punch him in the face.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I sucked dick and swallowed sperm because I loved it; it made me happy, made me feel satisfied to feed my hunger and it didn't matter to me what the other guy thought about how this was gonna happen. They'd want to have their way with me and I was determined to have my way with them, to make them my "victim" instead of being their victim and in a battle of wills, it was one I could win. I didn't always win the battle but the other guy would learn that I wasn't going to just let him do whatever he wanted to do or cum when he wanted to. If I wanted him to cum later so I could enjoy having his hard but silky smooth dick in my mouth, that's what was gonna happen.

But if I wanted him to cum, to feel his sperm shooting in my mouth and his dick pumping crazily, then that's what was gonna happen whether he liked it or not. And I'm still like that today. I'm a lot less... cock whorish than I was in my youth but I just do not suck a man's dick to make him happy.

I do it to make myself happy.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I'd discovered the powerful ego boost that comes with making a guy cum in my mouth and especially those guys who'd tell me it would take them a long time to shoot and I'd be on a mission to make them shoot before they wanted to. They'd be surprised and even angry because I made them cum too soon... but I was in heaven; I lived for that moment to feel his cock swell in my mouth, hearing him cussing like a sailor, then that first blast of spunk would shoot out, following by that crazy pumping action as more and more sperm would go into my mouth and into my stomach. Early on, I used to get mad if a guy shot his stuff too soon... but I quickly learned not to get mad and, again, I was on a mission to get the guy's sperm as fast as I could get it.

I was understanding that it was a hunger and one that always demanded to be fed but, sure, sometimes, I'd take my own sweet time getting a guy to cum; I wanted him to beg me to finish him off, to tell me to stop playing with his dick and suck it like I mean it. Sometimes I did... and sometimes I'd leave him dangling on the edge so I could push him over when I felt like it and not when he wanted to. I'd even laugh when I took a guy's sperm and kept right on sucking him, hearing him yelp and pull away because they were too sensitive to keep being sucked - but, of course, I also learned how to keep on sucking without touching his sensitive knob and even still, yeah - some guys couldn't deal with being sucked off again that soon.

Such an ego trip to have that power over a guy and more so when he'd be of a mind that he's using me for his purposes and under the illusion that he was the one in control when the truth I understood about myself, even at that young age, that I was using him to get what I wanted and when I took his dick into my mouth, he wasn't in control of anything and I loved making them understand that.

At one point, the fellas didn't want me sucking them off once I learned how to keep sucking without causing them a lot of discomfort. We'd agree to suck each other off and I'd get him off... and he'd get his dick away from my mouth in a hurry and then had to fight me to keep from getting my mouth back on him as he sucked my dick.

I remember overhearing some adults talking about some woman and that she was a cock whore; she was good to fuck but according to what they were saying, she was a better cock sucker than someone to fuck... and that's when I was able to put a word to my overwhelming need to suck dick:

I was a cock whore, plain and simple. I didn't know if that was a good or bad thing but the longer I thought about it - and, sometimes, when I was sucking on a dick - I could see that it was both good and bad. Good that a lot of guys wanted me to suck their dick, bad because a lot of guys would go out of their way to find me so I could suck their dick. I was both thrilled and bothered by it and especially when a guy I was sucking was, to me, being too rough and just jamming their dick down my throat... but I learned not to let it bother me a whole lot because if a guy was being an asshole about me sucking his dick, I could just stop doing it and if he got mad and wanted to fight, well, hmm - I knew judo and karate so if he wanted to fight, it sucked to be him.

Some guys learned quickly that it was better to just let me suck them the way I wanted to and not want to start a fight with me about it. Today, I know and read about guys who love to suck cock and their whole purpose is to make the other guy happy and satisfied... but I had learned that I wasn't one of those guys: I sucked dick to make myself happy and reasoned that if he was happy with what I did to him, okay - that works, I guess.

One guy told me I was a selfish cock sucker, that I didn't give a fuck about what he wanted or how he felt. I wound up punching him in the face because he wanted to fight over it... but I knew he was right. At first, I felt bad about it when he was complaining about me making him cum before he was ready to but after he started the fight - and I finished it by almost breaking his nose - I got over feeling bad about it quickly.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I was addicted to it and I knew it... and when I was about 13 or so, it started to worry me that I loved and craved it as much as I did. Thoughts of really being gay - being a faggot - never crossed my mind and I was still having a field day eating delicious pussy and being able to pump my stuff into one and, yeah, having a girl sucking on my dick and whether I could shoot my stuff in her mouth or not. And while I would learn that girls would suck dick - but not let it cum in their mouth because some other dude said, "I'm not gonna cum in your mouth!" - and then they did it anyway, sure, it made girls leery to suck dick.

But not me. I wanted them to cum; I needed them to and I would get totally pissed when a guy I was sucking didn't shoot his stuff into my mouth but, okay, it was still fun to suck on his dick, hearing him cussing and all that and telling me how good it felt - but not good enough to make them shoot. Another case of me not knowing then what I know now and the many things that can happen for a guy not to cum and no matter how long you suck his dick.

But that didn't happen very often during the seven years I was a full-fledged cock whore - that would be between the ages of 9 and 16, if you're wondering. Any dick except uncut ones, any time, anywhere; any size, any color and along the way, I learned to eat a lot of dicks right down to the pubic bone and having my nose being tickled by lots of pubic hair. Yeah, it wasn't always easy to do that and there were a lot of times I almost threw up on a guy or found it very hard to breathe but it was worth it if it was gonna make him shoot his sperm into my mouth - well, unless it tasted nasty; if it did, I wouldn't swallow it but I'd just let it ooze out of my mouth. I learned that most guys didn't care if I swallowed it or not as long as they could shoot it into my mouth.[/SIZE][/FONT]