feeling disconnected

[Confused4life]

I've been married now for 4 years. My husband and I have had a great relationship for the first 3 1/2. These last 6 months however have been trying. I feel like we are so disconnected. I know my husband is stressed out as I lost my job and now only have a part time job. Plus we are in the middle of building a new house. However what I do not understand is how he can let the stress run the rest of his life. We always had great communication...we could talk about whatever was bothering us etc. Now we hardly talk about our feelings or really anything. We hardly ever used to fight, now it seems like everything I do is wrong and he is forever yelling at me about something. Not to mention that we have only been intimate 5 times in the last 6 months (and its not from a lack of trying on my part). He just doesn't seem interested. He says he is too tired, or stressed, or interested in the tv or he has a headache or something (wait...aren't those supposed to be my line????). I have tried several things to spice things up, including buying new movies and toys. I wind up using them alone, because he just can't or won't make an effort. I love my husband a lot and really want to get back on track, but every time I try to talk to him about the things going on, he gets upset and starts yelling. I am at the end of my rope...and I hate feeling like that.
Any suggestions?
C4L

[jamieknyc]

He may just be feeling overstressed. Also, he may see you as adding more pressure onto his shoulders, in a situation where he is stressed out to begin with.

[ThreeInOne]

DISCLAIMER: I know *nothing* about you two or your personal life, other than what you just told me.

Having said that...

To me, it sounds like he isn't being faithful. I've had some experience with that, being on the receiving end. He has the signs. :(

[Confused4life]

I don't think he is being unfaithful as he is either at work or at home working on the new house. He split from his first wife after he couldn't take her cheating any more (more than 10 times in a 20 year period). We have both been cheated on in past relationships....and I just don't feel like he would do that to me. I don't know if its just stress or what but he has claimed to me before that as he has gotten older these last few years, he just doesn't feel like he needs it as much as he used too. I can understand that, but we went from every other night to once a month and that is a bit to extreme for me. I might not feel as needy if there was other types of affection going on (example, kissing or hugging for no reason). We kiss goodbye in the morning and good night before bed and that is it. Am I being selfish by asking him for it too much? Is he being selfish by only thinking about himself and not my needs also? I mean last week we had the house to ourselves for a night...I had to get up at 4 the next morning, he could have slept in, but he wouldn't do anything with me because than I would be too tired to help on some projects after I got home from work....wtf?
C4L

[allbimyself]

Been there. No guarantees but... obviously communication is the key to everything, however you've made it clear he's resistant to opening up. So, how do you get him to that point? Find some way, anyway, to show him you are trying to take some of the burden from him. How to do that I don't know since I don't know either of you or your situation. Keep trying until you see him relax, smile, whatever... some positive sign. Then initiate your "spontaneous" display of affection. When that happens don't jump in with heavy conversation about the issues in your relationship. Don't try to push the kiss/hug/whatever into something more passionate. He won't be ready for that, he'll close up again. Just keep silently supporting him. Eventually he'll come around. Slow and steady, no confrontations. He's obviously stressed and has forgotten that you are his partner, that he can dump on you, so instead he's internalizing and not letting you be his safety valve for whatever reason.

He's not letting you verbally, emotionally or sexually communicate, so you have to communicate your love and support in other ways.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Thats tension and stress, Babygirl. Plain and simple. I can say this because I recognise it all too clearly. Been there, done exactly what he's doing.
Stress is a killer, Hon. on a person, a family and a life. I'm sure he's stressing about the economy and especially about the worry of having a new home made only to worry about perhaps losing it in the end.

You not having a full time job is unfortunate, but at least you have Something, and thats very important.
In the mean time, you concentrate on taking care of You, too. Take things slow and easy and see if he'll let you talk to him eventually. Communication is the key to Everything Hon, so try to open that door slowly and let him know in every way that you can that you are there for him and need for him to be there for you, too.:}
Good luck, Sweetie
Cat

[Confused4life]

I have done everything that I can to show him that I support him. I do all of the projects that I am physically capable of doing by myself so he doesn't have to do everything. It's just never enough for him. I could build a skyscraper for him and it wouldn't be good enough. Every single thing that goes wrong is my fault. And I am kinda sick and tired of being patient and pussy footing around him and his "stress". He is stressing me out to the point that I am ready to go to my doctor and get an anti-anxiety medication. Its like I have to walk on pins and needles around him, not wanting to do or say something that will piss him off. Because then he turns it to me and I endure the screaming, swearing and name calling that he delivers. I just want the man that showed up 6 months ago to leave, and my husband I married to return. I don't like the man he has been lately and I hate that I dread the time of the day when he will be home. There is something terribly wrong with that...that I feel panic when I look at the clock and realize he will be home soon. And please don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful man...just not lately. I don't want this to stay like this forever. It breaks my heart. My first marriage was terrible, my husband was extremely abusive (emotionally, physically, sexually) and I was complacent and let him do the things he did, because it was easier than facing the truth. I will not let this marriage become the same. I am not worried about my husband physically abusing me, but lately he seems to be handing out emotional abuse quite readily. And I have a hard time standing up to him because of the emotional scars from my first marriage.
C4L
C4L

[allbimyself]

OK, you didn't say all that at start. The only thing you said was you tried to spice things up.

My suggestion to you is to take a break. Go stay with a friend or relative for awhile. You have to let him know that his abuse cannot continue.

[Confused4life]

I didn't want to portray him in a bad light because this is not the man I married. The emotional abuse started about 6 months ago, along with the decline in communication and intimacy. I desperately want things back to normal, I just don't know how to get things moving in that direction.
C4L

[tenni]

There seems to be something going on with him if his behaviour has changed drastically. Sit down and talk with him about this change in behaviour. From what you have said, he may be over 40 and there can be hormonal and bio chemical changes in a man as well. It may be a physical issue or psychological issue. He may need a complete physical where he is open with his physician about his behaviour change including loss of sexual interest. If he refuses, then I agree that you may need to leave him temporarily to emphasize the significance of his behaviour change. Do it calmly when he is not in a rage though.

Good luck to both of you and may you find the man that you married sooner than later.

[aslowhand]

I know I had promised I would never post again but here I just had to.
Confused4life,get him to a Dr right away.
We have gone through this as I lost my job and my wife got very depressed the stress and anxiety of maybe losing the house and everything else going put alot on us both.She is on them now and things are better and we talking and we never fight.Don't expect it to change overnight or even in a week it takes time for the meds to work.
Our sex life has not come back but we are working on that.

[Canticle]

C4L

It seems to me that all the advice given here, is good advice and I am sure you realise that. It's not an easy area to explain, when a person's behaviour changes so drastically, but it certainly seems that your husband is stressed, beyond belief, about something.

It could be something, he, at first, didn't want to worry you with, but if the situation has got no better, then people do look inwards and not outwards. Communication is the answer, for sure, because a lack of communication, in itself, is a killer.

I don't think that there are any easy answers, but for both your sakes and most definitely, for his, as he seems so unhappy, your husband does need to talk, even if it is to someone, with professional qualifications.

Perhaps he feels, that he just cannot unburden himself, to you.

Like everyone else. I wish you good luck in this endeavour and a return to the happiness you once had.

[**Peg**]

It sounds like he's under a lot of stress so he's going to lash out at you.

Don't take it personally.


Don't take it period... private message on its' way to you C4L

>hugs<
Peg

[Confused4life]

Well we had a conversation last night...after he wanted to know why I looked so sad lately. I explained how I have been feeling lately. How his behavior towards me is upsetting to me and in my opinion abusive. He said he is just too stressed and that he realizes that he takes it out on me only because I am the only one around for him to take it out on. He didn't realize how bad his behavior had become. I also explained that when he acts that way, it just makes me crawl into a protective shell I have created throughtout a lifetime of being abused by significant people in my life. I told him that I did not like that he speaks to me the way he does in front of our children because I do not want them growing up thinking its ok for anyone to treat them that way. Anyways, a lot more was said and I am glad I finally was able to communicate with him the things I have been feeling. He agreed to try and be more mindful of my feelings and to try and control his anger a little better. I guess we will see how it goes for now, because I told him that I would not live the rest of my life being treated like a piece of crap. I had enough of that in the first half of my life. Thanks everyone who took the time to reply with advice which I will definately try to use. Its been awhile since I have been on this site and it was good to know that it hasn't really changed a lot. The people here still care about the going on's with the other members and thats a great thing to be able to count on.

C4L

[just4mefc]

Far too often as men we go about the day with various stressors trying our best to contain our anger, then we get home and release it on the ones we love. What we really need to do is go ahead and have a conflict or two with the people who actually deserve it. I am not suggesting we get in fist fights an the like, but make sure if you are going to be angry, directed at the deserving party. Let it go, get home and kiss the family! Tell the hubby to go to the gym and get his frustration out of his system before he comes home. You would be surprised what a anti-depressent exercise can be. If that is not enough then Anger management is in order. There are some good books on self managing ones anger, you can even get them on cd and listen to them in the car. Stand your ground on how you are treated, for the more he lashes out at you the more isolated HE will become. Then he will lose connection with his angry and lashing out becomes the only form of "intimacy" left.