Levels of Cheating???

[belinda0719]

First off, I would like to thank everyone on this website. Last year, I found out the hard way that my bf is attracted to other men/transgendred to a certain degree. I was in complete shock for a week or two, but was able to come to terms with it, but I need some more help.

As previously stated on past threads, I was using his laptop & stumbled upon gay sites he was vieiwing which were more of dating sites. After confronting him & having a long conversation about the dating sites and his bisexuality, I was able to come to terms with everything & life was good. At that time, he decided he would no longer view the sites anymore.

To make a long story short, he's still viewing the dating sites. In Feb, I had a gut feeling that he was still continuing with the dating sites, because it's something you just don't give up over night. So after some research on my own, I found out that he changed his username & age, perhaps so I wouldn't be able to locate him. On his profile page, it stated that he's only on there for online fun, never for any real-life interaction.

I'll be honest, I do view porn videos/sites but its not real time. I am not interacting with the other individual on the other side of the lens. In his case, he is interacting with others by email/chat/webcam. To me, I feel this is somewhat cheating & its breaking my heart because the trust level is gone.

It appears his desire for men is very strong as he needs to view these sites on a weekly basis. I haven't said anything because I was hoping he would come to me about these strong desires, especially after our long conversation last year. I wouldn't mind him viewing the dating sites and I think it would be kinda cool for me to get involved as well, but he needs to tell me instead of hiding it.

I'm somewhat sad to all this because I feel that maybe he's not too attractive to me. There were numerous of times where he would lose his erection during sexual intercouse...sometimes I wonder if it's because I am a women not a man.

I haven't said anything to him yet because I am in the last semester of school and didn't want to stress myself out even more. As he was open to talking about his sexuality last year, it wasn't the easiest thing for him to do and I hate putting people in that situation, but it needs done...

Any comments about this will be greatly appreciated!

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

This is something ya'll will have to work out together, Babygirl. Time to sit down and have a very serious conversation and see how he feels on things...but let your concerns be know clearly as well..
Good luck Hon
Cat

[happygolucky40]

It seems like he's not comfortable sharing what he's doing because he's afraid of your disapproval. If he's interacting with other men then the urge is very strong and as you suspected he's going to have a hard time stopping it and quite possibly he's not interested in stopping it (which was evident by him changing his username). Have you shared with him that you're open to participating with his online interactions? Talk to him when both of you are in a good place and he's completely comfortable with you. Hopefully him knowing that you're not disapproving and that you would like to be involved at some level will give him the courage to be open and honest with you.

[brutal_priestess]

I'm a hardass in this department. If he's cheating on you, then a conversation has to be had. If he wishes to be with other men as well as you, the relationship should be opened but clear rules should be established. You need to be able to be comfortable with the evolution of the relationship as well as safe.

[welickit]

You have lots of balls. You complain about him, then you come here and post without telling him. You deserve each other, it is a match made in hell. Neither of you can be honest with the other. Grow up and stop looking for sympathy. Either face him and the facts or keep quiet. You are worse than he is because you stalk his email, profile etc. Who the hell gave you that right?

[RockGardener]

I don't totally agree with welickit's tone of voice, but they have a point. I hadn't thought of it but it is very true. You don't like the fact that he is sneaking around behind his back, but that is exactly what you are doing to him. You REALLY need to sit down and have a long talk. You two need to find out what each other's wishes and needs are. As long as you want him to be honest with you, you have to be honest with him. I suspect you haven't confronted him again, because you are afraid you will be the loser if he chooses. If you don't confront him, then you don't lose.

Just my opinion!

Rock

[brutal_priestess]

:tongue: We're living in the age of information. Nothing's private anymore, but you(to: welickit) have a point.

It's hard though...with the internet and poor sexual education running rampant as right-wing media vies for control of our brains and emotions. I stand by my claim that you must be supportive and open but don't sacrifice yourself in the process.

And stop snooping through the web history, for god's sake. That's just not cool. Have you had that conversation yet? Go have it. Go have it now. It's more important than getting advice from strangers.

[DareMe]

You have lots of balls. You complain about him, then you come here and post without telling him. You deserve each other, it is a match made in hell. Neither of you can be honest with the other. Grow up and stop looking for sympathy. Either face him and the facts or keep quiet. You are worse than he is because you stalk his email, profile etc. Who the hell gave you that right?

Hang one just a minute here!

Could it be that she is here (on this site) because she is trying to understand a little more on the subject of bisexuality? Perhaps in order to have a more informed talk with her boyfriend?

How do you know she does not have the intention of facing her boyfriend?

DM

[FalconAngel]

You have lots of balls. You complain about him, then you come here and post without telling him. You deserve each other, it is a match made in hell. Neither of you can be honest with the other. Grow up and stop looking for sympathy. Either face him and the facts or keep quiet. You are worse than he is because you stalk his email, profile etc. Who the hell gave you that right?

Well, aren't we being a bit one sided here.

Blasting her for asking for help is not helping her to find a solution.

She came here asking for advice, not sympathy; quite a different thing from him hitting dating sites in an effort to find a hookup (virtual or otherwise).

And while I do not condone tracking his e-mails and other mistrusting behaviors, he has shown a consistent pattern of behavior that indicates that he is trying to do things that, so far, he shouldn't have been doing; and lied about it.

Those things are not what one does to maintain an honest, or successful relationship. Some guys are just predisposed to cheating. Not trying to justify or excuse his behavior, just pointing out the facts.

Without honesty and integrity from both sides, no relationship can survive and stay healthy.

I have profiles on a number of different BI sites and the wife knows about it and we sort through any contacts that happen there, outside of folks just being neighborly (and sometimes even then), together. NO secrets, NO deceptions and NO lies.

The two of them need to stop the deceptions and the sneaking behind each other; her with the e-mail checks and him with the dating sites. Both have to be serious enough about it to hold to those agreements. Anything less will destroy their relationship.

Like Brutal Priestess said, if she wants to be supportive of his bisexuality, then they both need to sit down together, work out the details without any deceptions or sneaking around.

Only total honesty will make a mixed orientation relationship work well, just like in any relationship. And if he insists on sneaking around behind her back, even after all of that, then they need to go their separate ways.

Same for her, if she cannot/will not stop spying on him. Trust must go both ways.

[DareMe]

First off, I would like to thank everyone on this website. Last year, I found out the hard way that my bf is attracted to other men/transgendred to a certain degree. I was in complete shock for a week or two, but was able to come to terms with it, but I need some more help.

As previously stated on past threads, I was using his laptop & stumbled upon gay sites he was vieiwing which were more of dating sites. After confronting him & having a long conversation about the dating sites and his bisexuality, I was able to come to terms with everything & life was good. At that time, he decided he would no longer view the sites anymore.

To make a long story short, he's still viewing the dating sites. In Feb, I had a gut feeling that he was still continuing with the dating sites, because it's something you just don't give up over night. So after some research on my own, I found out that he changed his username & age, perhaps so I wouldn't be able to locate him. On his profile page, it stated that he's only on there for online fun, never for any real-life interaction.

I'll be honest, I do view porn videos/sites but its not real time. I am not interacting with the other individual on the other side of the lens. In his case, he is interacting with others by email/chat/webcam. To me, I feel this is somewhat cheating & its breaking my heart because the trust level is gone.

It appears his desire for men is very strong as he needs to view these sites on a weekly basis. I haven't said anything because I was hoping he would come to me about these strong desires, especially after our long conversation last year. I wouldn't mind him viewing the dating sites and I think it would be kinda cool for me to get involved as well, but he needs to tell me instead of hiding it.

I'm somewhat sad to all this because I feel that maybe he's not too attractive to me. There were numerous of times where he would lose his erection during sexual intercouse...sometimes I wonder if it's because I am a women not a man.

I haven't said anything to him yet because I am in the last semester of school and didn't want to stress myself out even more. As he was open to talking about his sexuality last year, it wasn't the easiest thing for him to do and I hate putting people in that situation, but it needs done...

Any comments about this will be greatly appreciated!

Belinda,

I am not in your shoes and neither is anyone on this site for that matter.

What I can tell you is that the subject of attraction is very wide. Just because he is attracted to men does not mean he is not attracted to you. There are levels of attraction.

Perhaps he feels, at the moment, more interested in men, because he has never experimented with a man. Your email provides no detail about this.

I would suggest doing a little bit of introspection here. How do you feel about it? Should he be bisexual, could you have a relationship with him?

DM

[TwylaTwobits]

I wasn't even gonna read this thread due to the title... it was getting play so I did. Hon, some of the above posters are right. Trust is a two way street. You need to have that convo with him and soon. You think you don't need stress right now, I say you are under stress now with this or you wouldn't have turned to us for opinions.

If you had a clear cut agreement he wouldn't view the sites then he would be guilty of breaking your trust. But you are breaking his trust by snooping. It's a sad fact that the more we look for evidence of someone doing something wrong the more likely we are to discover something we don't like. You don't trust him, or you wouldn't have snooped. He trusts you or he wouldn't have left things in his browser history.

Time for a heart to heart or time for a walk, only you two can decide that. Good luck and just remember he might be attracted to another sex, but he's with you and that's a choice he made.

[belinda0719]

In November, I caught him on the dating sites. After we had a long conversation, I had a better understanding of his sexuality and his desires. It was one big roller coaster ride from start to finish as I never experienced anything like this.

At the time, he proposed that he wouldn't view the dating sites anymore. I was fine with the ban with the dating sites, but deep down I was thinking to myself, how can you just stop cold turkey??? I didn't want him to supress his sexual desires entirely, I just wanted him to be open about it or possible involve me somehow in his virtual interactions.

So my gut feeling was this was not going to last for too long. So after couple of months passed by, my insticts kicked in. I did a profile search with his specifications on the dating site. There he was with a brand new username & profile. Also, I am not stalking his profile/email as I don't have passwords for them and I do not have access to his computer since we are in a long distance relationship. It was only 1 instance where I looked him up.

Yes, I've known since Feb, but haven't confronted him about it because I was hoping he'd come to me first. It's not an easy topic to discuss. What I've been doing in the meantime was becoming more "manly" for him by getting a strap on, feel doe, etc....We haven't tried them yet, but I have used a dildo on him. Also, I've sent videos of myself or texts which would somewhat simulate the dating site.

I'm giving him every indication that its ok for him to have such desires and am open to exploring that side of him; however, for any relationship to survive, open communication and trust needs to be there.

As the original post stated, I will talk to him about this but just need some guidance.....

[TwylaTwobits]

Honey, you don't have to become manly for him. I am in a relationship with a bisexual man and just because I use a feeldoe or dildo or other strapon on him it doesn't make me manly, it makes me a partner to a man who enjoys anal sex as well as being able to take me in his arms and make love both vaginally and anally to me. Now you are taking steps in the right direction if you are looking for a compromise that brings his fantasies into play and makes them a part of your life together. But as you yourself said, communication is the key. Putting it off will not make it any easier.