Confused Girl

[PokerFace]

Im a 21 yr old and im in a relationship with a 21 yr old guy...
I can't say im unhappy in the relationship im in but for some reason I can't live without the passion that I get from a female. I have been with two girls since i've been with him. I have been dating him for 5 years. He knows about my sexuality but he is not very accepting. In my first instance I was with a girl, my best friend at the time. We would i guess experiment with each other and after a little while of him not knowing about my relations with her i convinced him to have a threesome with us. We did that twice but both times were failed attempts. He just wasnt into it. I still would sleep with her behind his back because I feel like I can't live without it. Her and I stopped seeing each other for a while. I met a girl at work and after a few months we fell madly in love with each other but we both had boyfriends and it just couldnt work out, I told my boyfriend about it and he freaked. He thinks it only happened once but he still doesnt want me talking to her and it destroyed me that hes not supportive. Eventually I was so depressed that I came out to almost everyone I know. My mom now knows and is very accepting, which it was very hard to tell her but she is the most important person in my life so it feels good to have come out to her and her being so supportive. I guess I'm telling you all this because I'm looking for advice. I love him but I really want to be with a girl. He and I are best friends and I almost dread having sex with him, which i thought would never happen. I know in my heart i want to be with a girl, but i still want his friendship. I guess im just being selfish but I need some advice from someone on the outside so your advice, whether its bad or good I need to hear it.

[rissababynta]

What I would personally do in your situation is get out of my relationship. Things are already aren't going well since deceit is involved. Not a good thing there. Also, from what you said about dreading to have sex with him and that you want him as a friend, it is apparent that you shouldn't be with him anyway. Also, if you are trying to figure yourself out and what you want out of your life, you may end up only hurting him in the process of your self discovery with is not fair to him.

I think that it's time to just sit down and have a nice, long talk with your boyfriend.

[darkeyes]

Rissa is rite sweetie. There are a number of things inya post which tell me that its time to move on. It seems to me first of all that you are more attuned to your own sex than with guys. I may be wrong in this, and it may be that it was the excitement of the newness of the experience, and of the partner. That does not make u lesbian necessarily, because you havent said about how u feel about other guys. How u feel about sex with him is quite obvious.

That your mum is the person u are closest 2 in the world tells me a lot. I think it is time to move on, and the sooner the better. The longer you leave it the harder it will become and the more difficult he will be when u do end it. His attitude leaves a lot to be desired as it is, but not everyone can handle their partner being bi.. and it can be so much harder still if their partner is gay.. or even just believed to be gay. I assume he is anti sharing u with anyone, male or female. There is nothing wrong with that per se as long as it is ok with the other partner.. in this case u.

That you wish to keep him as a friend is a good thing. However I am not sure he will be able to stay as a friend because of his way of thinking. At least not in the short run. His entire personality seems to be one of possession, which is fine if u wish that kind of relationship. That does not tell me that he will give you up in good grace. I hope I am wrong in this, honestly. In time he may begin to see that what you are doing is best for both of u, but that may be a long time in coming so I wouldnt hold your breath.

I am sorry if this appears to show that by ending it you are going to find life a bit difficult. I fear it could well be so. He may well make it so by a stubborn refusal to accept it. Yet I think that should you fail to do so, your life will be much much more difficult. A loving relationship that is ending is a sad thing. However, no one should stay with another because they do not want to hurt them. That is an option which does no one any favours. In the long run it will cause much greater pain to both of you, and to those who love you most and closest to you. Better to end it now than allow the relationship to grow into bitterness, rancour and hate, and possibly in time, abusive and violent.

[Stinger78]

Hello there PokerFace. I am a bisexual male, and reading over your post, I've drawn a couple of conclusions. Err....possibilities, I suppose is more appropriate. I know obviously, its not exactly the same, heh...what with you bein a girl, and me a guy n all.... anyway...but I can understand what you mean about the passion of it. The times I've been with guys in the past, its really exciting and hot and all great, in the heat of the moment. Me personally, once it's over, yah of course I'll be thinkin' about it for a day or two, but its like, okay, I got my fix for the timer being... But yah, there is a certain element of passion. <p>Oops, well...I think I got a little sidetracked from the original point I wanted to make. It sounds to me like your boyfriend isn't supportive of you because maybe he's afraid that you're gonna leave him suddenly for another girl. Which, from the sounds of it, might very well be a possibility. But even so, wether it was or not, he really should be more supportive of you. And him not being into the threesome? At first, my natural instinctual guy side thought, 'What the hell?! How could he not! I'm bi, and I'd be all over that!' hehe But then I thought a little deeper on it, and I began to think that maybe he 'just wasn't into it' because maybe he felt, or saw it as acknowledging or making concrete his fear of losing out to another girl. I could be totally wrong and way off base, but then again, it very well could be. As for advice? Well, I do agree with the other replies, to a certain extent. On one hand, if you truly feel you can't live without the passion of being with another girl, if you need that, then I say go for it. End it with your boyfriend and persue that. Because even if I'm right, and that fear of his does exist, it's still better to break it off with him and go for the girl than to let it drag on and let his emotions get deeper and possibly even more hurt. However! I must ask, have you tried sitting down with your boyfriend and having a long, serious, discussion about hoew you feel, what you want, and why he feels the way he does? If not, if he's willing to do so, I'd suggest trying that first. I mean, of course nobody likes breaking up or being broken up with, but 5 years is a long time to invest in a relationship, deceit or not. But see, not to say it was right, but I think that you went behind his back to avoid any confrontation/arguments/etc...based on the fact that you said he's not totally supportive of your sexuality. Well, if I carry on anymore, I'm just gonna be rambling. lol.. So, I hope my post and the others have helped you. Ultimately, you gotta do what you feel you really want. Take care, good luck.





Im a 21 yr old and im in a relationship with a 21 yr old guy...
I can't say im unhappy in the relationship im in but for some reason I can't live without the passion that I get from a female. I have been with two girls since i've been with him. I have been dating him for 5 years. He knows about my sexuality but he is not very accepting. In my first instance I was with a girl, my best friend at the time. We would i guess experiment with each other and after a little while of him not knowing about my relations with her i convinced him to have a threesome with us. We did that twice but both times were failed attempts. He just wasnt into it. I still would sleep with her behind his back because I feel like I can't live without it. Her and I stopped seeing each other for a while. I met a girl at work and after a few months we fell madly in love with each other but we both had boyfriends and it just couldnt work out, I told my boyfriend about it and he freaked. He thinks it only happened once but he still doesnt want me talking to her and it destroyed me that hes not supportive. Eventually I was so depressed that I came out to almost everyone I know. My mom now knows and is very accepting, which it was very hard to tell her but she is the most important person in my life so it feels good to have come out to her and her being so supportive. I guess I'm telling you all this because I'm looking for advice. I love him but I really want to be with a girl. He and I are best friends and I almost dread having sex with him, which i thought would never happen. I know in my heart i want to be with a girl, but i still want his friendship. I guess im just being selfish but I need some advice from someone on the outside so your advice, whether its bad or good I need to hear it.

[rissababynta]

Well, I couldn't dis-agree with you more about how her boyfriend "should" be supportive Singer lol. They are both 21 years old and they are just dating. They have no real obligation, like marriage, to love each other to the best of their ability, unconditionally. What if he does not agree with bisexuality? What if he doesn't care but simply does not want to share a person he is in a relationship with others? What if he found out about this after they began dating and in his head he's sitting back going "What the hell...I didn't sign up for this." I don't feel that he should be required to push his feelings and opinions on the subject to the side. Yeah, it would be nice if people would always be supportive of one another for everything in the world, but you can not force a person into be ok with something if they are not, and to look down on them for that is sort of sad.

[Stinger78]

Well Rissa, I can't argue with you there. And yah, of course I don't expect or even hope! for everyone to be okay n dandy with everything. *gets a mental image of a world with nothing but hippies...* AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Oh...sorry, had a bad mental image there for minute... So back to what I was saying... I can see your point with the 'What If's, but if she says she's been seeing this guy for the past five years, I doubt that it was a case of it coming to him as a big surprise. Also, yah, I suppose you're right in the way that they're just dating, that they have no *real* obligation to one another, but I would think they would...to a certain degree, no? I mean, just because you're not married doesn't mean you can't be behind your bf/gf in their decisions and all that. But Rissa, for the most part, I agree with you. Take care.

Darren - Albuquerque, New Mexico

[PokerFace]

You all have helped me so much...and you all have very good opinions and advice. Yes I have sat and talked with him about it, but it makes him really upset. As of right now we dont talk about it because I don't want to hurt his feelings. He doesnt ask any questions and he pretends like it never happened and everything is "normal" persay. I do love him, but I can definetly say if our relationship ended I would never date a man again and I've told him that. He has said that maybe in time he would come to an understanding with me about this situation and let me do as I please, but thats not really what I'm looking for. He is so passionate about our relationship that I'm afraid of what hed do if I was gone. And I don't at all want to see anything bad ever happening to him. I understand that I should leave, but its harder than that beause like Stinger said we have been together for five years and lived together for 4. We are basically married without the paperwork. I just don't like hurting people. In a perfect world I could leave him, still be friends, and date women...but I dont see that happening soon. Again thanks for the help, and if you have any more suggestions im ready to hear them. Thanks so much guys :)

[vasco]

You all have helped me so much...and you all have very good opinions and advice. Yes I have sat and talked with him about it, but it makes him really upset. As of right now we dont talk about it because I don't want to hurt his feelings. He doesnt ask any questions and he pretends like it never happened and everything is "normal" persay. I do love him, but I can definetly say if our relationship ended I would never date a man again and I've told him that. He has said that maybe in time he would come to an understanding with me about this situation and let me do as I please, but thats not really what I'm looking for. He is so passionate about our relationship that I'm afraid of what hed do if I was gone. And I don't at all want to see anything bad ever happening to him. I understand that I should leave, but its harder than that beause like Stinger said we have been together for five years and lived together for 4. We are basically married without the paperwork. I just don't like hurting people. In a perfect world I could leave him, still be friends, and date women...but I dont see that happening soon. Again thanks for the help, and if you have any more suggestions im ready to hear them. Thanks so much guys :)

I am 56 yr old bi-curious. I made the mistake of not telling my wife before getting married.

Believe me, if he is not into it or supportive, get out of it!

If you insist in staying with him and fulfill your bi desires at the same time, I can guarantee you that he will leave you later... very soon!

That does not make him a bad person. He like my wife are good people not into what we do or want to do.

[paddington]

Hi, you need time to work this out. you sound so confused.
my ex (a woman) threatened more than once that she was suicidal without me,even showed me a box of anti- depressants she was apparantly taking, she was a very manipulative person. it sounds harsh,and it was a risk(i would have been very upset if she'd tried to harm herself,even though i wanted out of the relationship i still cared for her,i just knew she was too manipulative,a liar.)but, i gave her a telling off, said how dare she threaten me with her suicide and that people who are suicidal get on with it they don't try and use the threat of it to get their own way.
she never did attempt suicide. it was just a manipulation tactic,one of many.

you've so much time ahead of you, don't waste it, take time out to work out what you want. don't let things go on with him thinking he has a chance you clearly don't want him as a boyfriend. you need to be very firm and clear with him.

how lucky you are to have such a great mum,that's a blessing.