Chat etiquette

[**Peg**]

Bare with me, I know this is long, but...recently, a number of chatters have mentioned that posting some common-sense chat guidelines (not rules) would be a good idea. So, I have compiled this list of suggestions that most of my veteran fellow chatters follow (for the most part). I was a chat moderator for over 10 years before I came to bi.com, and therefore feel confident that some of you might find these useful.

I've taken some of the rules from those two other chat rooms and amalgamated them with some pertinent to our place alone. So here they are, in no particular order: (I'm sure I've missed some):

1. When you are entering a chat room, you should always greet everyone whether you know them or not. Be sure to wait until there is a lull in the conversation already in progress, though. When someone enters the room, greet them with a friendly 'hello'.

2. Please, if you are new to the room, observe conversations in progress before commenting.....if you don't have something nice to say, say nothing at all. Don't speak unless you know what the conversation is about first. Don't type in long, detailed messages that will take alot of time and space (this is referred to as 'flooding' the room).

3. If someone asks you a question in the main room, answer it there. If someone asks you privately, respond privately... to do otherwise is considered rude. Conversely, if you want to PM someone (chat privately) ask first. It is an invasion of privacy to assume that you can open an instant message window with someone you do not know.

4. Avoid using the phrase 'A/S/L' or its variations. ASL is the common greeting and asking for a persons age/sex/location. Considered rude and unneccessary in most chat rooms, often you will give the impression that you are ignorant and/or lazy. If you want to know something about a person, stick around a while and find out. Read their profile. People might be more willing to reveal personal details about themselves once they get to know you and feel more comfortable around you. I doubt you would walk up to a total stranger on the street and ask them for their age, or where they live, so don't do it in chat.

5. Chat room etiquette suggests keeping conversations on topic, particularly if the room (or the website itself) is themed (such as www.bisexual.com). although we do seem to spend a fair amount of time talking about food <grin>. As the site suggests..... use the other rooms for getting raunchy (bedroom) or for men and women only.....if you feel the need to cyber, do it there (or privately), not in the main room.... or create a private room.

6. Don't hit the repeat key trying to get peoples' attention, as in "hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii", and don't type in CAPITALS......it's considered yelling.

7. Don't spam or flood the room with repeated questions, statements (hotnhorny guy looking for ____________), or weblinks.
8. When entering a chatroom, if you see someone you know, do not immediately pm them assuming they are waiting just to talk to you, after all they might be busy chatting with someone privately. Conversely, when a person enters the chatroom, wait until they are done their greetings to ask them how they are or engage them in convo.

9. Don't continually whine, bitch, complain or otherwise DISCUSS your real life. Watch the chat veterans...with very few exceptions, most of them discuss their real lives only fleetingly. Most of us come to chat to have FUN, not to listen to a laundrylist of grievances. Keep personal information personal! A busy and fast-paced public chatroom is not the best place to share your or anybody else's personal information. Sharing personal information can be dangerous. This includes real names, phone numbers, addresses, etc.

10. Do not verbally abuse, attack, embarrass, or threaten anyone else in the chat room, no matter what they might say to you. You are bound to find some discord....and differing opinions on a number of topics. The best way to deal with it is to just ignore them or simply leave the room. Sarcasm is a killer. When I see sarcasm, I go in the opposite direction... I have nothing in common with a sarcastic person.

11. MY personal bugaboo (tell me yours!) : when I see a particularly aggressive or argumentative person dominating the room, I put that person on ignore. IF (and only IF) some friend of mine responds to the aggressive person, then I will put my friend on ignore as well until the discord ends. Things I personally do NOT discuss: my personal sexlife, politics, religion and my finances.

So that's about it, let me know if I forgot any :tong:

[Giggles100]

Oh i get fed up of those people who post:

Couple looking for (insert male or female bi person) and putting their phone number up :rolleyes:.

[Holmes]

Opps sorry Peg I usually do my Helllllo to create the effect of a long intro not trying to annoy anyone. Once learned never repeated
thanks for the info . I knew some of the rules didn't know the others

[Giggles100]

This is great. Could you please also add the following:

Ask before PMing someone. Random PMs (especially when followed with crude questions and suggestions) is rude.

Pasadenacpl

Oh god yes! That's terrible I hate it!

[Starrla]

Oh wow :eek:

Miss Peg,

Though I am not disagreeing with what you said, I didn't know Drew made you Queen Mum. Nor did I know he made you the site monitor.
Before you scold others maybe, just maybe, you should practice what you are preaching. (None of us do in here)
You are CONSTANTLY posting your armpitsex.com link and your heard board link. I guess that's ok because it's funny and its you?
You don't pm others without asking them first??:rolleyes: Clears my throat.
You don't bitch and moan at people in the main room and even perhaps embarrass them, and make them feel bad? I have SEEN you do it. What about Swimmergirl, you demean her to no end. To the point she left the room because of you and others. (Autumn17) Isn't that just nice and polite?
Please don't take this as me being mean. I just feel like people need to clean off their own back porches before they try and make others feel like they are doing something wrong.
Can you honestly say you have always been a polite chatter??
If you don't like what people are doing or saying, Drew did create an iggy button, and it Eureka! it works!
Just my :2cents:

Everyone just be polite! If you find someone is NOT use the iggy button! It's that simple.

[tenni]

Hi Peg
Although I am very comfortable posting on the threads, I'm not really comfortable entering the chat room. I have entered it only to leave. I noticed on a different thread that someone had the same reaction. Please try to simplify all of your guidelines in some way. Maybe a part 1 (for rookies) and part 2 (details) If we want to enter and feel shy...couldn't we just look in? Do we have to say hello? I noticed that someone said hello to me once when I was in there. I scooted out of there quickly. I know ...my problem but some of us are unfamiliar with chat rooms. We don't want to be rude but we are also shy about it.

[rissababynta]

Wow, this makes me not want to go into chat anymore :-P

[eddy10]

Rissa, don't give up the ship. It isn't sinking. :)

[Annika L]

I agree with Rissa...this really rubbed me the wrong way.

As a "regular" in chat, I want to say that I have some issues with most of these rules. I want to emphasize that I really like Peg and consider her a good friend...but I think much of this comes off as oppressive and somewhat arbitrary (Chat Rules According to Peg...or at least Peg's Past Chat Lives).

Here is Peg's Rules According to Annika



1. When you are entering a chat room, you should always greet everyone whether you know them or not. Be sure to wait until there is a lull in the conversation already in progress, though. When someone enters the room, greet them with a friendly 'hello'.


It's only polite to greet *everyone* in the whole room when we enter? And to wait for a *lull*?? Please! Some nights there's nothing BUT lull, but others, I would have to wait for over an hour before there was enough "lull" to make my mandatory (and insincere) greeting to the entire room.



2. Please, if you are new to the room, observe conversations in progress before commenting.....if you don't have something nice to say, say nothing at all. Don't speak unless you know what the conversation is about first. Don't type in long, detailed messages that will take alot of time and space (this is referred to as 'flooding' the room).


Part of this is common sense, but part is also pointlessly limiting. If you don't understand what's going on, there's no better way of finding out than asking...but this rule hamstrings you into watching until you understand before you can ask. Long messages are fine, as they are easily skipped over if they don't look interesting or relevant. Look...if you are annoying, or type in an annoying style, people will either correct you or put you on ignore...just be warned.



3. If someone asks you a question in the main room, answer it there. If someone asks you privately, respond privately... to do otherwise is considered rude. Conversely, if you want to PM someone (chat privately) ask first. It is an invasion of privacy to assume that you can open an instant message window with someone you do not know.


If someone asks me a question in the main room that I am uncomfortable answering there, I will answer it in private...that may look in the main room like I blew that person off, but that's *my* image I have to consider, isn't it? There are plenty of instances where someone has asked me a question in private, and I have answered in public *to get them to leave me alone* (consider this a warning, people! :tong:). Random anonymous PMs are an invasion of privacy? No, just annoying, especially as they open another window in my browser...so don't expect me to be particularly solicitous if you do this...rather, expect me to be rude to you! (another warning!)



5. Chat room etiquette suggests keeping conversations on topic, particularly if the room (or the website itself) is themed (such as www.bisexual.com). although we do seem to spend a fair amount of time talking about food <grin>. As the site suggests..... use the other rooms for getting raunchy (bedroom) or for men and women only.....if you feel the need to cyber, do it there (or privately), not in the main room.... or create a private room.


Keep conversation on topic? In *our* room? As a veteran of our chat room, I've got to say that this would be like attempting to herd cats...and to what end? At any given time in chat, there are something like 5 different topics under discussion. If I don't like any of them, I'm not going to sit around and wait for them to change...I will start a new one...the more the merrier! This dynamic may be unique to our chat room, and would be rude elsewhere, but it is our culture, and should be respected as such.



8. When entering a chatroom, if you see someone you know, do not immediately pm them assuming they are waiting just to talk to you, after all they might be busy chatting with someone privately. Conversely, when a person enters the chatroom, wait until they are done their greetings to ask them how they are or engage them in convo.


This is between the two people involved. Setting up a regular rule about this is ridiculous. If I make a bad assumption about who wants to talk to me when, they can either (1) tell me nicely, in which case, I'll probably not change my behavior toward that person, (2) tell me nastily, in which case I probably *will* change my behavior toward that person, or (3) ignore me (either with a button or their own brain). Depending on who sends me a PM when, I will do any of the three above options...usually (1) for people I know and like, or (3) for people I don't...sometimes (2) if I think it's warranted, and the unwanted message was offensive or out of line.



9. Don't continually whine, bitch, complain or otherwise DISCUSS your real life. Watch the chat veterans...with very few exceptions, most of them discuss their real lives only fleetingly. Most of us come to chat to have FUN, not to listen to a laundrylist of grievances. Keep personal information personal! A busy and fast-paced public chatroom is not the best place to share your or anybody else's personal information. Sharing personal information can be dangerous. This includes real names, phone numbers, addresses, etc.


I know you say "continually", and I know you have specific individuals in mind, but we shouldn't make rules to target specific individuals, and I fear that this rule sends entirely the wrong message to newcomers...our room is *very* inviting to people discussing their real lives, particularly if they are having sexuality-related issues or questions! Saying that you shouldn't talk about your real life robs the people who need our company most of a valuable forum in which to discuss their problems. A lot of great conversations in chat have been started when someone asks "hey, has anyone had this problem before?" Again, this is our culture, and I value it the way it is.

However, it is good to point out that *very* personal info is dangerous to share with anyone. And it's also worth considering that not everyone who gives you advice in a public forum has your best interests at heart. Frequently, when a very personal story comes out in the main room, I see some people speak out loud for the first time, and seemingly try to take advantage of that person or push their own agendas...so be on your guard, and take your advice with a pinch of salt.



10. Do not verbally abuse, attack, embarrass, or threaten anyone else in the chat room, no matter what they might say to you. You are bound to find some discord....and differing opinions on a number of topics. The best way to deal with it is to just ignore them or simply leave the room. Sarcasm is a killer. When I see sarcasm, I go in the opposite direction... I have nothing in common with a sarcastic person.


Nothing in common with me, Peg? *pouts*

Peg's issues with sarcasm aside, "Do not verbally abuse, attack, embarrass, or threaten anyone else, no matter what" is possibly the only rule we really need!



11. MY personal bugaboo (tell me yours!) : when I see a particularly aggressive or argumentative person dominating the room, I put that person on ignore. IF (and only IF) some friend of mine responds to the aggressive person, then I will put my friend on ignore as well until the discord ends. Things I personally do NOT discuss: my personal sexlife, politics, religion and my finances.


One of mine is people trying to turn their personal bugaboos into universal rules.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Hmmm, I know Peg meant well with her chat rules and I agree with most of them. Those of us that have been regulars for a good long time Know how to behave in chat properly, but there are those few that have no sense what so ever about how to act in there. The point of chat is to come in and kick back and relax. There is always a wide vareity of topics, and yes, everyday life is discussed, thats the way life goes. Chat shouldnt be so regulated that folks are afraid to go in and talk openly and honestly and freely. Just be yourselves, but be decent and polite about it.

Cold PM'ing Is a problem, and new chatters should ask permission first before PM'ing someone out of the blue.
If there is somone in chat that you dont like, the iggy button IS a God send.

I greet just about everybody...it makes the new person feel good at being awknowleged and welcomed. And I always do this with people I know..if I can catch them in time. lol

Ya done good Peg, and I for one applaud you for giving us all a guideline or two.
Cat

[Annika L]

Now, to show that I'm not just here to be negative and put down the ideas of people trying to improve things for everyone, I'll put my own head on the chopping block for your amusement!

I think we could get along with an abbreviated set of rules:
(1) Do not verbally abuse, attack, embarrass, or threaten anyone else, no matter what.
(2) Respect what you know about the desires of others.
(3) Keep in mind that your fellow chatters are real live people with real feelings and that "what comes around generally goes around."

Then there are just some facts about our culture:
(a) Typing in ALL CAPS is considered shouting, like in most chatrooms...so if you do it, you'll likely be told to stop shouting.
(b) If you don't read a person's profile before talking to them, they may get annoyed that you don't already know things about them that they bothered putting in a public space...and as a result, some may treat you like an idiot or a pest. [Asking "a/s/l" is almost always unnecessary, because if the person wants you to know that, there's a good chance they put it in their profile already.]
(c) Our chatroom is generally for conversation...it is rarely used for personal ads, so people there aren't used to that, and won't necessarily respond well to "hotnhorny guy looking for ____________".
(d) People who advertise for profit or who are underage are apt to get reported to the site owner and to be banned from this site.
(e) If you violate rule (1) enough, you're apt to get reported to the site owner and to be banned from this site.
(f) People are here for *all kinds of reasons* and generally are *not just like you*. So it can be dangerous to assume everyone (or most everyone...or indeed anyone) is here for the same reason you are.
(g) There is an Ignore button in chat, below the Participants list. If someone is bothering you, or just rubs you the wrong way, click their name, hit the button, and you won't see any of their messages and they won't be able to send you PM's.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Both sounded reasonable to me. Good job ladies..:}
Cat

[mariersa]

.GUILTY Rule # 1
and the other posters regarding privacy, etc I agree, if they can't get behind the pics( which usually result in (take it elswhere pm's) reading is a good thing folks, and, I quite frankly would request you pay attention to the persons profile. But there's always the exception. Before gettting all aroused or whatnot, be courtious!!!

[gooniegoogoo]

Oh lookie, the clique is trying to enforce some rules. How nice.

[12voltman59]

The rule about typing in all caps is pretty much universal to nearly every web chat site that I have ever experienced----that is pretty much a no brainer---it does kinda surprise me that some people don't know that is one of those things that is not liked anywhere on the 'net.

In Peg's defense--I think she put up this post-- not as a set of dictates--but as general, common sense suggestions that once again--are pretty much universal to any website that is trying to foster a "community" atmosphere----even the ones designed as hook up sites have some minimum guidelines of this sort.

I find it kind of interesting--that some of those who bitched about this are brand new members and their complaints are either their first or among their first postings on here. The profiles of these "new people"--once again--are ones that have little or not useful information about themselves.

That is kinda suspicious to me---kinda smells like a troll might be lurking in this thread!!

[ghytifrdnr]

Ya know, I'm with tenni. I just don't feel comfortable in chat and so just stay away. It does seem cliqueish (sp) in there.

:2cents:

[Bibutnotnarrow]

Regarding Ms. Peg's posting:



Bare with me, I know this is long, but...recently, a number of chatters have mentioned that posting some common-sense chat guidelines (not rules) would be a good idea. So, I have compiled this list of suggestions that most of my veteran fellow chatters follow (for the most part). I was a chat moderator for over 10 years before I came to bi.com, and therefore feel confident that some of you might find these useful.

You may wish to note that her post is to offer "guidelines (not rules)", and drawn up with the encouragement of others. Veteran chatters have no doubt heard many of her suggestions over time, however there are always new folks coming of age (or to a self-realization) with limited exposure to chat room culture who don't have your wealth of experience and can benefit from "guidelines (not rules)".

IMHO, Ms. Peg isn't trying to dictate a code of conduct, just address a bubble of inappropriate behaviours that have diminished the chat experience for a number of Bisexual.com members. So, if the shoe fits...

Otherwise, lighten up and be glad that one person has taken the time develop (and risk offering...) a coherent set of "guidelines (not rules)" for general consideration and adoption by anyone who appreciates their merit - be it in whole or in part.

By the same token, a free networking site devoted to bisexuality is apt to draw people with strong feelings or questions about their sexuality but - as a minority within minorities - virtually no prior opportunity or encouragement to discuss them. And for me, this contributed to my early, clumsy attempts to participate in chats or discussion threads that no doubt made others glad to see me leave. :->

While respect for diversity (in lifestyle and opinion) and common decency should underlie the process, there is a learning curve to figuring out what an online community has to offer and how to gain from - and contribute to - its culture.

I guess that, for me, it comes down to: teach if you can and learn what you can but, as you go, appreciate the fact that - whether bisexual, bi-curious, or bi-friendly - this is a rare place we can feel comfortable with our form of bi-ness, and enjoy each other's company without worrying about being outed by some pious jerk.

So, don't fuck it up by being thoughtless and hurtful. OK?
Peace,
BBNN

[hydropop]

I have to say that I agree with Peg , and I dont think she was making this post to make it look like she was making up chat rules for her own good. There are people that come in the chat and cant even act their ages or be polite.

Peg has always been very polite to anyone Ive ever seen her chat with. Unless they have rude or disrespectful to her. Then I guess she she be inpolite to them.

Guess you cant make everyone happy when you post something.




Cant we all just get along geezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[_Joe_]

Etiquette is best summed up as the Golden Rule. Treat others how you want to be treated.

You can't make it any simpler than that.

[darkeyes]

Etiquette is best summed up as the Golden Rule. Treat others how you want to be treated.

You can't make it any simpler than that.ooo Joe... tied 2 bed an ravished??? yum yum..tee hee:bigrin:

[_Joe_]

Well... treat..uh. Ya.

Guess so ><

[csrakate]

The thread is called "Chat etiquette"...not Chat Rules. Peg is merely giving basic rules of etiquette or guidelines for chat communities as a whole and never suggests that they are written in stone and absolute for each and every chat room. And of course, they can be adapted or changed as the need arises. For example, of course there is no need to keep quiet when entering the room if there is a lull in the conversation...that would be silly....but in the event that the chat room is hopping like it very often is, it IS a good idea to get a basic idea of what's going on instead of barging in like gangbusters and demanding information in the midst of other conversations. Sheesh....it is simply a matter of common sense and common courtesy...or is that too much to ask?

And as for shooting the messenger, I am very disappointed that some decided to target Peg personally. I am sure that she volunteered to print this post after a discussion in the chat room over this very topic. She is speaking for, what I am sure, is a consensus of chatters...but is receiving the brunt of the gripes for having done so.

[hydropop]

[QUOTE=csrakate;151867]The thread is called "Chat etiquette"...not Chat rules




I stand corrected, meant " chat etiquette " :)

[csrakate]

I stand corrected, meant " chat etiquette " :)

LOL...that wasn't directed at you, Hydro...just wanted to remind folks that the thread is merely simple guidelines of etiquette and not rules, as Peg herself pointed out at the start of her post.

[*Lou*]

I think valid points have been brought up by all involved, but to me this thread proves one universal fact. No matter what you say or do in life not everyone is going to agree with you. Joe's comment seems to be the most sensible in my mind, it streamlines the "etiquette/rules"

[Puss N Boots]

I have been a member of chat rooms for a long time. This is the best i have seen, and dont feel it needs to be "tinkered" with. I think we all should be respectful, of others, and there feelings. If u dont want a PM, turn it off!

This is a Bisexual site, therefor i feel that anything pretainning to that, is fair game.

I am fairly new here, and am not aware of the groups that think they run the palce. I am gong to do it my way and do not care about the opions of others.

If i hurt anybody, please let me know, as i do not mean to. But please dont suggest, you know a better way, for me to do what i am here to do.

Puss N Boots :female::cool::bibounce::bigrin:

PS. Please forgive my spelling, that is my sin........

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

I was thinking the same thing, Voltie. Here you have someone thats never Been in chat, but feels compelled to smart mouth off to someone they dont even know. Chat isnt a "Clique" its people who know and care about each other and we Like the way its ran. We dont Need any Trolls and assholes coming in and ruining it for Everyone, and that happens on occasion. Most of us long time chatters are smart enough and mature enough to nip that nonsense in the bud quickly.
You cant get to know people if you dont come in and participate. We encourage new people all of the time, and always enjoy new, respectful people. If you start acting like an ass, you get iggyed, plain and simple.
And for those who Dont know us, dont comment on something you have no viable knowledge Of.
Cat, high 5'ing Voltie.....

[hydropop]

:-) kate , its all good

[onewhocares]

The thread is called "Chat etiquette"...not Chat Rules. Peg is merely giving basic rules of etiquette or guidelines for chat communities as a whole and never suggests that they are written in stone and absolute for each and every chat room. And of course, they can be adapted or changed as the need arises. For example, of course there is no need to keep quiet when entering the room if there is a lull in the conversation...that would be silly....but in the event that the chat room is hopping like it very often is, it IS a good idea to get a basic idea of what's going on instead of barging in like gangbusters and demanding information in the midst of other conversations. Sheesh....it is simply a matter of common sense and common courtesy...or is that too much to ask?

And as for shooting the messenger, I am very disappointed that some decided to target Peg personally. I am sure that she volunteered to print this post after a discussion in the chat room over this very topic. She is speaking for, what I am sure, is a consensus of chatters...but is receiving the brunt of the gripes for having done so.



I agree with Kate. I know when I first joined this site, I had never been in any other chat room and would have welcomed a few tips on what to expect and what would be expected of me. I have been in the room when there have been some folks who defy common courtesy and jump down your throat. I think that Peg was trying to bring the issues we have all seen in the room to the attention of some who may not know protocol.

While this is a bisexual site...there are more to bisexuals than sex. I think that we can bring a vast variety of topics into the chat room. I will admit, that there are times when I get carried away with talk of food or drinks. Sorry.

Belle

[12voltman59]

I reject the notion that in the chat room that we have "cliques" in there----we have folks who are regulars and we have those who chat in there for the first time.

One thing for sure with this chat or any other--it is not an activity to be shy doing----we do have some strong personalities here--but like has been noted--if someone new is nice and pleasant--doesn't go and diss people without need to--or makes unwanted IMs to others---everyone is pretty much accepted.

I know that if I am not too busy when I am in the chat room--I pretty much try to acknowledge just about every person I see come in the room--in fact I get teased that I do that---you can ask pretty much anyone who chats at all.

Now---we have people who come in either for a first time or come in all the time---but they never respond back to me----that to me---is not my problem-I did my bit to recognize them.

Another thing--some days---people are talking about things that I don't quite get the jist of --or I am not interested in joining in--in those cases--I simply don't take part----but I don't feel slighted in any way---I just figure it is not a day for me to take part----most days I do though--

I guess the only gripe I have---if you can call it that----we might have 20 people listed in the room---but no one says a thing and even if I say hello-no one responds back---but I guess in such cases----most everyone must be engaged in private conversations--in that case--I just bug on out.