re: I need support

[belinda0719]

As many of you may know, this past weekend I found out my boyfriend is "bi". We have spoken openly about it everyday, but it seems like yesterday my heart was crushed & am having a hard time coping with it all.

I asked him if it was possible he could have an emotional relationship with a man & he responded by saying yes indicating the man would have to be a transgender or very pretty; however, he doesn't intend to do so now or ever in the future.

The problem I have with this is knowing that he could possible date another man which I find troublesome. It's buried in the back of my mind which I can't let go. I have no problems with gay/lesbian couples, but why am I having a problem with him being bisexual if i don't condone such behavior.

I can tolerate him being sexually attractive to another man, but I'm questioning my tolerability of him being emotionally attractive to another man. Then it goes back to why does it matter, he is a monogamous person & believes no one should cheat if they are in a relationship. If he is not going to cheat, why do I still feel like this?

Honestly, if he told me on the 1st date he was bisexual, I have a feeling that I wouldn't pursue it anymore due to preference; however, I am realizing that he's still the same person before/after his sexuality was revealed.

Any feedback will help because I do want to move past this & have a wonderful relationship with him, but there are some doubts in the back of my mind.

[csrakate]

Belinda,
You are experiencing one of the biggest fears that we face when we discover our significant other is bisexual, the fear of losing them to someone else as well as to someone we feel we have no way of "competing with". You say your boyfriend believes in monogamy and if this is true, he will not seek out emotional attachments with another, regardless of gender. What is all boils down to is TRUST...and if you feel that you cannot trust him, you will never be comfortable in this relationship. Bisexuals are every bit as capable of being monogamous as straight people...they may have physical attractions to the same sex, but once they commit themselves to one person, they can move past those attractions, even if they still exist within them....i.e., they still get aroused when viewing porn, chatting on websites, etc. He may want nothing more than to pursue his sexuality in this way and to be free to be honest with you that it does exist within him...to share it with you and to perhaps share fantasies with you.

I urge you to continue to share this fear with him, but also realize that your lack of trust in him may be rather hurtful to him. He should understand your fears, but you should also allow him to speak honestly about certain things without fearing for your own future with him. He needs to know that he can be open and honest with you without fear of your judgement. If he begins to feel ashamed and ascertains that his sexuality is a threat to you, he may stop being so open with you about it.

Keep talking...keep listening but realize that if you don't find yourself able to establish trust, this won't work for you.

Good Luck.
Kate

[tenni]

Kate has very good advice for you.


You raise a couple of points that make bisexuality difficult for the bisexual.

Remember:
Your boyfriend's sexuality is not connected to his ability and desire to be with you. He has chosen you over others whether they are male or female or transexual.

As a bisexual he seems to see you for the person that you are regardless of your gender and he prefers you....He picked you.

[csrakate]

I neglected to say one very important thing regarding your boyfriend's same sex attraction...you need to know that this part of him in no way diminishes his love or attraction to YOU....I know it seems scary, but he can still love and want you the same way, regardless of that attraction. Try not to fear the unknown...it's frightening, I know....but sometimes you have to have faith in your relationship and put those fears aside.

[csrakate]

Remember:
Your boyfriend's sexuality is not connected to his ability and desire to be with you. He has chosen you over others whether they are male or female or transexual.

As a bisexual he seems to see you for the person that you are regardless of your gender and he prefers you....He picked you.


I neglected to say one very important thing regarding your boyfriend's same sex attraction...you need to know that this part of him in no way diminishes his love or attraction to YOU....I know it seems scary, but he can still love and want you the same way, regardless of that attraction. Try not to fear the unknown...it's frightening, I know....but sometimes you have to have faith in your relationship and put those fears aside.
LOL...seems Tenni beat me to the punch..we were posting this at the same time. Hopefully hearing this news from "both" sides of the spectrum will help you further accept it as the truth.:)

[belinda0719]

I do trust him whole heartedly regarding not cheating, but I feel the problem is not him but me. Something deep inside me doesn't want him to be bisexual anymore...its almost a selfish statement and I hate feeling this way. It's ok for others to be bisexual, but not my boyfriend. Maybe it's more of his emotional preference that disturbs me. If for whatever reason we break up, his next relationship could possible be another man & that is something I cannot come to terms with for now. It's dumb to think this way when we wouldn't be in a relationship anymore.

As you can see, I'm really struggling to find the root cause to my thinking & apologize if this all doesn't make sense.

[Mrs.F]

Everything your feeling right now is the "normal reaction" when you find out. I had dated my husband for 5 yrs. before we married and had been married for 10 yrs. when I found out. I had every emotion going through me realizing that he was in my mind, not the man I married or the man I thought he was.

It took quite a long time and help from many on this site before I realized he was the same man I married except that he liked/wanted to have sex with men too. You most deffinately have to be open with each other and the feelings that you feel to understand and calm your fears. We have now been 14 yrs. and while we have expanded some of our sexual doings....there are some things that I am not ready or willing to do yet and I may never...he knows this and he's never pushed. He's married to me and what I want will always come first with him and knowing that is what makes me feel comfortable with the whole thing.

It will take time...nothing will make it all ok overnight. Just keep an open mind and sharing your honest feelings with each other.

Best of luck!

[csrakate]

I do trust him whole heartedly regarding not cheating, but I feel the problem is not him but me. Something deep inside me doesn't want him to be bisexual anymore...its almost a selfish statement and I hate feeling this way. It's ok for others to be bisexual, but not my boyfriend. Maybe it's more of his emotional preference that disturbs me. If for whatever reason we break up, his next relationship could possible be another man & that is something I cannot come to terms with for now. It's dumb to think this way when we wouldn't be in a relationship anymore.

As you can see, I'm really struggling to find the root cause to my thinking & apologize if this all doesn't make sense.

Even though my husband told me the night he proposed, I spent the first several years of my marriage pretending his sexuality didn't exist...so don't be ashamed for feeling as you do...it's natural to want this to go away and for you to yearn to return where you were before you made this discovery. What I didn't realize during that time I had my head in the sand was that I was making him feel ashamed of himself and that I didn't really accept him for who he really was. This bothered me more than anything and I soon began to realize that we needed to talk more about it....for him to help me understand his feelings and how those feelings didn't pose a threat to me or our relationship. Something that has really helped me get to the point I am today is discovering that I am not alone...that I am not the only person with a bisexual spouse/significant other. Before that I felt so alone and unable to talk to anyone about my fears and anxieties. Please know that you can vent your frustrations here...to the group as a whole or to me in private if you so wish. If you decide to pursue this relationship, you will find it helps so much not to feel like you're the only one going through it....trust me...I know!

[darkeyes]

Best thing u can do me luffly. is 2 start believin inya relationship anya man.. peeps hav given gud advice re the fact he has chosen u an not ne 1 else.. if ya insecurities r such that ya worries all the time bout peeps bein attraacted 2 'im, then ther a gud chance it will start 2 bring pressure 2 bear on the whole enterprise. Do ya hav a prob wiv girls bein attracted 2 the guy? Cos ther fair chance a that an all.. chill..b happy an if 'e hasn given ya ne reason 2 worry...don worry..jus b happy wiv ya man an ya lot an do everythin ya can 2 make both a ya happy... sounds like 'e is doin 'is bit ther so far as me can c..wy not join the party???:)

[belinda0719]

I want to clarify my position about all of this. I have no problem with his sexual desire to men and am open to exploring that with him. My problem is his desire to be with a man emotionally meaning his soul mate could possible be a man.

I understand there are bi men who are only sexually attracted to men where the thought of having a full blown relationship sickens them, but my bf is sexually & emotionally attracted to men.

I know that he will be faithful & committed, but I just can't get over his emotional preference for both sexes even though it will never be pursued during our relationship. Crazy thinking, right?

I do believe in our relationship & feel we can have a wonderful life together, but I need help moving on from this. I am very greatful for everyone here, because I've learned so much not only about him but myself.

[csrakate]

I want to clarify my position about all of this. I have no problem with his sexual desire to men and am open to exploring that with him. My problem is his desire to be with a man emotionally meaning his soul mate could possible be a man.

I understand there are bi men who are only sexually attracted to men where the thought of having a full blown relationship sickens them, but my bf is sexually & emotionally attracted to men.

I know that he will be faithful & committed, but I just can't get over his emotional preference for both sexes even though it will never be pursued during our relationship. Crazy thinking, right?

I do believe in our relationship & feel we can have a wonderful life together, but I need help moving on from this. I am very greatful for everyone here, because I've learned so much not only about him but myself.

He's not saying he is going to become emotionally attached...just that he is capable...which to me states that he's not someone who takes sex lightly...but would need an emotional component for it to be satisfying for him. Sounds to me like he will be less likely to "fuck around" on you...and just because he is capable of something doesn't mean he will act on it. That's just a part of his sexuality...he attaches emotion to sex...not a bad trait to have.

[allbimyself]

He COULD be emotionally attracted to another woman. That's something women in relationships with str8 men have to worry about, too. But just like str8 men can, he has committed to you.

I don't know if you are afraid that it's more "competition" for you or what. But if that's the case, think of it this way: you should feel better, he picked you over more people than a str8 guy would!

[mikey3000]

I know that he will be faithful & committed, but I just can't get over his emotional preference for both sexes even though it will never be pursued during our relationship. Crazy thinking, right?



Belinda, nothing you are thinking is crazy. Every emotion you are feeling right now is TOTALLY valid. Remember that.

I too have a need to be emotionally connected to both sexes as well as physically, and that was the toughest thing for my wife to handle. It takes a lot of talking on his part and a lot of understanding and trust on your part. Very difficuly, I know, but it is possible.

[bertoneil]

Hi Belinda,

May I add an angle that you may not have considered?

This is deep and highly complex stuff, but I will be as brief as I possibly can.

Male and female have differing energy systems. Some males are predominantly male/male and some female/male. Percentages are not important.

Our planet is a planet of vibrational energy with the world resonating around 10HZ. Science now understands at quantum level, human awareness is aware of itself, (i.e. the sub atomic world changes according to the reality cast upon it).

In turn we as humans have evolved way beyond what we once were, i.e. strictly male or strictly female. Our planet as well as society is a richness of accumulative vibrations, each one being an expression of the whole (so says science, quantum science). Yet each individual is a totality of the whole, a small piece of the pie if you like.

Getting to the point of bi-sexuality, one might not be bisexual at all.....

Female energy has common traits, as does male. For example female energy will lack certain attributes that males posses and visa versa. Originally the concept of male and female was pure, yet we are thousands upon thousands of years, generations upon generations, mixed and interwoven along the way. Now its 2009 and the average human being has a descendant line of thousands upon thousands of cascaded DNA energy codes. OK sounds heavy and technical but its quite simple really.

What I am saying is this.........

Empirical study is showing that when I guy says he is bisexual he is really connecting with energy codes. Patterns of energy from individual as well as the collective experiences.

I bisexual man who likes to grab a male penis is most likely trying to balance a female energy. Men being predominately right brained tend not to utilise the left side. Over time and this has manifested a lack of control, empowerment, creative flow, and submissiveness. Its complex but this is what the modern male lacks. The modern male cannot express himself like women, thus the energy gets suppressed and bleeds out. This may not be an individual thing, more a collective male energy trying to balance. There is more....... for anal, sucking and wanking...... can mean the dormant left-brain has aroused and pulling force from the universal female energies.

Sounds far fetched but I tell you this is being studied with bio-neurofeedback and the results look quite impressive. So before you go beating up hubby, just take some time to ponder the possibilities that there is a bigger picture to life going on than currently understood.

There are all sorts of probabilities to explain this, but I honestly don’t think its just men being gay, dirty, sexual, promiscuous or curious. Internally there are hidden drivers that are self-propelling individuals once they reach a certain level of maturity.

Then there is the innate male driver of hunting. Male's love to hunt and as the male and female energies of the earth come closer to unite, then bisexual interaction is inevitable.

Then there is dissolution of egocentric self, whereby the individual will shed social, cultural, and all sorts of conditioned attachments, beliefs, etc. Essentially he or she will become an individual but also they will feel a big part of the whole.

Then there is of course your own fear based thinking to consider. Which I am sure you have had enough advice on...

Hope this helps

Bert

[csrakate]

Belinda,
I have to wonder if your concern over his capacity to be emotionally attracted to men as well as sexually leads you to feel he is more than bisexual, and perhaps gay instead. You seem to have no issues with him being sexually involved..but you are hung up on the emotional aspect....making it more than just a raw, sexual outlet. Do you possibly feel that it lessens him as a man? Believe me, it doesn't....and the fact that he has such a deep emotions is a good thing...and it hardly emasculates him. Please understand that the ability to feel emotion for the same sex is not that unusual among bisexuals....it's just another facet of a very broad interpretation of what a bisexual is. It certainly doesn't make him any less able to commit himself to you and it certainly doesn't make him any less of a man. And as Allbi said, straight men are capable of becoming emotionally attracted to other women, but they don't always take that route when they are married. Many bisexuals are no different in that respect and you have no reason to believe that your boyfriend will stray if he says he is committed to you.

I don't mean to sound like I am judging you...not at all...I am just trying to decipher why you seem so upset over the emotional ability if you have no issue with the sexual.

[belinda0719]

Belinda,
I have to wonder if your concern over his capacity to be emotionally attracted to men as well as sexually leads you to feel he is more than bisexual, and perhaps gay instead....Do you possibly feel that it lessens him as a man? Believe me, it doesn't....and the fact that he has such a deep emotions is a good thing...and it hardly emasculates him.

I don't mean to sound like I am judging you...not at all...I am just trying to decipher why you seem so upset over the emotional ability if you have no issue with the sexual.

By no means are you judging me...csrakate, I really feel you found my problem. Subconsciously, perhaps I have preconceived notions that any man who engages in emotional relations with another man makes him less than a man equating him as being gay. I'm ashamed to think that my mind could think of such, as I feel I'm an open minded person, but I guess there needs to be more self exploration.

During this whole experience, I really feel I am evolving as a person and am opening another chapter to my life. Thank you csrakate, as I feel more at ease with myself, and now know what I need to work on. I will definitely keep everyone posted of my relationship :)

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Why are you talking about it Every day? The more you bring it up, the sooner he may resent it. Talk it out, then leave it alone. Trust is paramount in Any relationship, and you need to learn this. If he loves you and especially if you love him, then you need to relax and gradually learn about it. There are several folks here that are partners of bi folks, and they can be the Best in the whole world for you to talk with, and learn from. :}
Relax babygirl..breathe and let it fall into place. :}
Cat

[tg Shannon]

Listen to cat, she is very wise,....you are correct in your thinking, he should hasve told you from the start...HOWEVER, apparently you really have that something special that made him want to hide his feelings, argo, he really wants you, you may have to ease up on the reins abit and let him have his fun, but, I feel that he wont leave you for another guy, you may want to try using a strap on with him, that would help ease him, but we all will back you up, this is a very friendly site and feel free to hollar at any of us, we help any way you can!

[goldenfinger]

Belinda, as I have said before, this is far more common then you think.When I got married many years ago, never in my wildest dream would I think, that one day, my wife would have sex with another woman, I could dream, but that was all, but it did happen.Sexuality is not set in concrete and may change over time.When I was young, I too had fantasies about same sex, mainly oral sex,but never acted on it.Never told my wife about it, just got on with life and family. As we matured and became more secure in our sexuality, we began to open up, and what a chock and surprise that was. What I'm trying to say is, that no one is immune to a changing sexuality. You'r lucky, you have the internet, but back then, we had no such thing to help us. I think only time will settle your fears.What lays ahead, no one knows, but if he is honest about small things, chances are, he will be honest about big things.