UPDATE

[red_riding_hood_27]

Johnny V you asked for updates on some of the couples. Since I joined in Nov 2005 I have learn alot. I have also learned that there is not a clear answer for some. It is a dificult journey for me. I have tried to stay with an open mind no matter how hard it was on me. My husband (binavyguy) and I are still working toward what we want out of our marriage. I can't say for sure that we will be together (as a married couple) for many more years. We are trying to learn how to live together again. Before you say it, yes, he was bisexual before I met him that should not change the way I feel. It does though. I fell in love with the man he projected of himself. The hetro man not the biman. He is still my best friend and I still love him. I just don't know if the love is the same for both of us anymore. We are a work in progress for now. He is confused to what he wants out of his life. So for now I sit on the sidelines and wait. However I will not wait forever!

Angela

[rupertbare]

Well it's hard to find the right words in this situation.

I do so feel for you.
It must be a very hard time for both of you.
Continue to talk, seek advice here from others - there are a fair few women marrried to bi-guys.

Not sure that I totally understand this: "He is confused to what he wants out of his life.".

I hope others can offer more to you on this thread than I,

but peace and love to the two of you.

Rupe, London, UK. :)

[arana]

Red, I really feel for you and hope that things will work out for the best. Yes he's the same man you fell in love with but no longer having to put up the straight man facade, he would be different too. You've shown great character in at least being there for him, trying to understand and make things work.

Best of luck to both of you in finding your bliss.

[Mrs.F]

Thanks JohnnyV for checking up on some of us. That's sweet!

Flounder and I are doing well. My life has changed so much since September,05. What I thought at first was going to be such a horrible thing to live with has become the best thing for our marriage. I firmly believe and I do think Flounder would agree that we are more honest, more open in our conversations and more intimate. I think we had lost some passion and forgot what marriage was about....we've got it back again. :bigrin:
I'm really glad he was a member of this site, because if I had not had this site to talk to people and especially "certain people" and you all know who you are..I don't know that I would be where I am at right now. I have learned so much about my husband, but I have also really learned alot about myself. It really made me look at my life, my soul and see my future. And in that future I want to be with Flounder (my husband) more than anything else. My life would not be complete without him and I make sure he knows that!!

Everyday is a different day and we take one step forward as we go. As long as we know we are going the same direction together, we will be fine.. :)

Mrs.F :angel: :grouphug:

[ambi53mm]

Hi Lil Red
I wish you both the best as well and I always enjoy your contributions. :)
I believe those that guide our paths always have our best interests at heart and that to follow the dictates of your soul is all anyone can expect of anyone...one thing I've learned about marriage what doesn't destroy you usually makes you stronger..safe journey :yinyang:

Ambi

[csrakate]

If possible, I would love to hear from some of the bi/straight couples on this site, to update us on how they've navigated these tough issues. In my case, my wife is comfortable with me and I'm the one who's still distraught about the correct limits of my sexual freedom within the marriage.

Love,
J

Hey Johnny,
I think when it comes to navigating through the tough issues, a lot depends on the level of communication between the couple and what each one sees as "workable" within that relationship. My husband and I chose to be monogamous..but that is what we both wanted and still want for now. But we continue to talk, to share, to fantasize and to be completely open with one another. As a result, I find that I am more open to the "unknown"...and like I have said before...who knows how things will be once we've reached a different place in our life...once the kids are out of the house and we only have the two of us to concentrate on? All I am sure of is that whatever we decide...whatever we do...it will be after much thought, discussion, and a mutually agreed on choice.

So if you are struggling with what you may perceive as the "correct limits of my sexual freedom within the marriage", I would encourage you to express that struggle with an honest heart to heart talk with your wife. You owe it to the both of you to work through this as openly and honestly as possible. My hope for you is that you find that your love for one another can help guide you to the freedom to be honest with your feelings, to feel comfortable enough to share them openly and by doing so, will enable you to have a wonderful relationship without creating fear, mistrust or frustration for either of you. After all, isn't that what marriage is all about?

Hugs,
Kate

[2ferinindy]

Hi Johnny,

I'll add my update too, I just sent my husband off last week for an encounter with his buddy. It isn't entirely easy to do. I am by nature one who tends towards jealousy, so letting go takes a lot. He was not monogamous and I decided we should try an open marriage of sorts. I figured it would be better if I at least knew what was going on.
I understand your worries on the boundaries, because my husband worries about that too. We are going with the understanding that we just need to let each other know if something is bugging one of us. Then we can change the rules as needed.
Good luck

[Qetesh]

Well I only found out my hubby was bi just over a month ago. Immediately there was a change in our marriage... for the better. He went through a stage of not wanting to talk about it but that soon passed. We are more honest and open and our relationship is stronger than it ever was. The best way I can explain it is by saying its as if a wall has been torn down between us altough I never knew it was there. Personally I love him so much for being so honest with me, I know how scared he was and I'm incredibly proud of him. I've never been one for jealousy (on a physical level anyway, if he fell in love with someone else then the green eyed monster would show up), and I've said when he feels ready then I will be fine with him being with a man... with a few guidelines of course. I cant and wouldnt stand in the way of his sexuality... its not something you can choose and I am not going to stop him from fulfilling his needs, I dont take it personaly as its obvious that no matter what I do I cant fulfill all his needs.
So yeah, we're doing just fine thank you :) :) :)

Q x

[JohnnyV]

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for the updates. It sounds like we're all at different points and have different levels of peace with the issue.

I suppose I should give an update too, instead of always distracting myself from my personal dilemmas by talking about abstract things like science, history, and other people's problems.

My wife has known about my situation since before we got married, but I only told her the full details in small chunks over a period of about 3 years, ending some 4 years ago. So it's been 4 years that she's known everything. Since last summer, I've been making good on a pledge not to slip up and do anything erotic outside of marriage.

It's getting harder for me, mostly because of the fact that the strain of what amounts to a year of partial abstinence is starting to wear on me. I've also realized that my desire to do things I've pledged not to do, has to do more with non-sexual questions like:

1) what community do I belong to?
2) how do I avoid feeling bored with life?
3) how can I express my inner need to defy convention?
4) how can I rekindle the sense of freedom and recklessness that I enjoyed so much when I was identified as strictly gay?
5) how can I forge emotional connections with men that move beyond the boring, superficial conversations that straight men have with each other?
6) most importantly, HOW DO I STOP MYSELF FROM BECOMING PART OF THE MACHINE?

By the "machine," I mean the suburban complacency I hate but which I find encroaching on me more with each day. With each day, I find myself becoming more obedient at work, more politically conservative, more uncritical of my church, more impatient with other people's rebelliousness, more tolerant of bigotry, more careful, more self-preserving. The "machine" is that institutionalization -- the hypocrisy -- that I hated so much in other people when I was young, and that I find myself accepting more and more.

And what makes me so institutionalized now? Put simply, my wife. I have to provide for her (we have a traditional, male-as-breadwinner marriage). She's having my first baby in May, and I have to be accountable for what will become of that child's life -- so I have to make sacrifices for its well-being, its financial bedrock, and its chances of maturing comfortably in a community that respects the family (me and my wife!) from which it came.

It's become clear to me that bisexuality is not terribly physical for me. Of course, a little bit of it is the thrill of getting with hot guys and exchanging a little bit of mutual gratification. But mostly, being sexually transgressive is my only way of expressing that countercultural, liberal, and open-minded person I was before I got married and settled down. I love my wife, as I have never loved anyone else in my life. But love is part of what forces us to be part of the machine, and my inner self still refuses to submit to it.

So in my case, perhaps a little unlike other people's, it is hard to have open communication with my wife about these issues, seeing as my wife, as much as I love her, is the single thing that prevents me from experiencing the unconstrained possibilities of youth anymore. She is my most cherished treasure, and at the same time, my most frustrating obstacle. She needs me to be strong, and unhesitant in my commitment to providing her with a good life.

Bottom line: I hang in the balance. I don't know what the future brings and I don't trust myself to conform to the typical expectations of a suburban, middle-class father in a nuclear American family. Hopefully on the next update, in five or six months, I'll have more resolution. For now, I'm enjoying the website and the community of free thinkers it offers me.

Love,
J

[red_riding_hood_27]

Johnny V, Your wife most feel cherished by the thought that she is what matters to you the most along with the new baby. Congratulations on that one. I guess that is what I want to feel Cherished. To have a man fight for me to let me know that I wam worth the fight. To slay the dragons for me. He is not fighting for me. He is willing to let me go if that is what I want. Maybe that is is way of letting me know he is letting go? I don't know.. I am so glad to read post where it works for couples. I appluad that you were able to tell your wife before hand. I wished I knew ahead of time. Don't feel bad about the communication my husband has a hard time also with talking about these issues. (I know my grammer needs correcting). Sorry must be the southern in me to have so many errors..Too bad I talk like this too and ramble on non stop. (lol).

I hope to hear more of couples and How they made it work. Or if they parted did any stay friends with the ex?

Oh I hope yall have had a great day! :)

Angela

[likalotapuss]

I wish all of the couples on this site and anywhere else the best of luck.... it must be tough for y'all.

~Ang

[PeterH]

I wish all of the couples on this site and anywhere else the best of luck.... it must be tough for y'all.

~Ang

I second that, Angie!
Relationshiops are tough enough as it is.
Angela, if there's anything I can do to help. Let me know. Does your husband have anyone to talk to? I'd be more than happy to have a chat with him. I have a very high regard for relationships and would be very happy to do sth that can make them work better. I live in Holland and perhaps that distance might be of use... Anyway, we all feel for you and wish you the best, Peter

[JohnnyV]

Johnny V, Your wife most feel cherished by the thought that she is what matters to you the most along with the new baby. Congratulations on that one. I guess that is what I want to feel Cherished. To have a man fight for me to let me know that I wam worth the fight. To slay the dragons for me. He is not fighting for me. He is willing to let me go if that is what I want. Maybe that is is way of letting me know he is letting go?

Angela,

My heart goes out to you. I'll pray that your problems are resolved and your marriage lasts this one out. If it ends over sexual conflict, then you can walk away knowing you did your best. I don't know your husband, but all I can say is sometimes when we say, "I'm willing to let you go if that's what you want," we men are really afraid of losing a woman, but we are also afraid of being hurt if we try too hard to keep her. Your husband could be scared of leaving himself open to be hurt by you and therefore keeping himself at a distance... or he may be surrendering to what he sees as an inevitable life as a strictly gay man. the important thing is for you to decide what is worth the fight and what isn't worth it.

My gut tells me that your fight isn't over yet and the dragons are strong but they might be killed in the end. I'll be interested to see how it turns out in your next "update" which I'm glad we've done.

In the meantime, you have the most awesome avatar ever.

Love,
J

[red_riding_hood_27]

As for as my DRAGONS I am slaying them for myself. I have fought one of them and won. I am The Self-Confident ANGELA. THe one who can take on the world and win. I am not depressed any more. THe only part that I don't like is of course every woman who has kids (esp 4 kids) the mama belly. But I have started to work on that. All ready lost 2 lbs. So life in my head is starting to get clearer. I am accepting who he is. As long as he wants me sexually I am okay with life. Then the shit hit the fan right after I told him this... He sent me a letter explaining how confused he is. That he does not know how to keep us both happy. He finaly admitted to being more attracted to men then women. Like I said as long as he sees me sexually...however the past 2 wks no sex. So I told him I was horny...talk to him all day even asked for sex..got none. So I confronted him two nights after that. I asked him if he is sexually attracted to me right now and I said you are not.. He admitted that he was not at this moment.


No white knight for me to slay the dragons and rescue me. I have to fight for myself and won't be the first time. Won't be the last. I was taught to stand on your own two feet. But man it would be nice for once to be carried away. Oh the dreams I could give you! But I won't bore you.

So where do I go from here? I don't know. I will give him some time but I don't know how long. This is where we are. I know I haven't been on because I realized how had the answers all ready but was to afraid to confront the questions. However I have met some really nice people and a few friends.


Angela

[2fer'swife]

(((((((((((Angela)))))))))))

Come find me if you ever want an ear.
I'm sorry it is going so hard for you right now. But I agree with you completely, you have to be the "Self-Confident Angela". I've already decided the only one a person can count on to take care of them is themselves. It sounds hard guys, but it works. You can't however, allow him to make you feel unattractive. Go slay some dragons!

And congrats on your weight loss, I'm doing a bit of that myself...wanna play "Who's the Biggest Loser"? lol
Seriously, find me anytime!
P.

[Tx46M]

I have had the pleasure of chatting with most of you and truly I always enjoy your company here, I am sharing my story just for you own perspective:

When I was about 30 a girlfriend confided to me she would love a g2g experience and wanted badly to see 2 guys get it on. Prior to that I never even thought about it. My ex-wife was bi and let me share a few experiences with her & her gf and she also had a strong desire to see & participate with me in an m2m experience. Had my first and only mm in last year. I enjoyed it for the moment, romantically I am absolutely straight but might enjoy an mm or mfm adventure if the circumstances were and I had a female significant other. Lately I doubt I will ever do "it" again as an mm thing. Lately I think since that curiousity has been fulfilled I am cool if it never happens again, and I am not going out looking for "it."
:male: :2cents: :2cents:

[Mrs.F]

((((((((((((((((((Angela)))))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((2fer))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You women are very strong women..I've talked to both of you and it's amazing what you have overcome and what you have become. Your both very beautiful women with hearts made of gold and a strong head on your shoulders. This curve ball that life has thrown has only made you realize that you are strong and you can slay any dragon that comes your way. I am so very proud of both of you. Your future get's brighter everyday.

And for the mommy belly thing....I have one too and need to get rid of it. I'm in for the "the biggest loser". lol.

Mrs.F :)

[rupertbare]

(((((((((((((((Angela)))))))))))))

Oh babe, what can I say...........

I don't have a horse.............

and I can't find my armour.........

and my lance is busted in two.........

But I DO have an ear that is good at listening.............

and if you ever need it - it's just there waiting for you.

I'm glad you're getting stronger - taking charge of your life. Well done - I really do know how hard THAT can be!!

And seek out 2fer - she really will be both a good friend and some one who will 100% understand your situation.

And ladies what is it with you!!!! Buddha bellies from carrying your children - it's natural. And for the older mum's - face it is ain't gonna go away. After three kids the muscles can never really be pulled back into shape - but listen!! Most men, if they are honest, and men not creeps, don't really mind this - they can run there hands over that little "won't go away" bump and think of the life that was carried within. Don't listen to that cr*p on the TV or in the gloosy mag.s - most models have been "treated" by computer image enhancing anyway - they ain't natural and they ain't normal.
Be proud of your bodies!!! Don't conform to the "Twiggy" look - which ain't nice anyway!!

oh gee here I go again!!!! lol!! well that's my :2cents:

(((((((Angela)))))))) - good luck with what the future holds
- keep us updated and take care of both yourself and your little one's

with much love to you and yours

Ronxxx :)

[The Cheshire Cat]

Rupe-as a woman that has finally figured that out-(the forever belly) you have my undying affection-oh, yeah, and a great big hug! :bigrin:

[Tx46M]

To LRRH: I care, and you can always talk to me. I've decided once was enough.
D :2cents: :)

[red_riding_hood_27]

Thanks for all the encourgement. WELL LADIES IF YOU ARE WILLING TO WAGER SO AM I. I need all the help and encourgement to lose this weight. Thanks Rupert dear but I need to lose just a little. I have about 20 lbs that need to come off so that I would look curvy instead of a BUTTERBALL TURKEY!

Let me know ladies if you are willing to wager... and what we would get?

Angela

[2fer'swife]

I don't know... thinner? :bigrin:

[csrakate]

Angela, 2fer, and Mrs. F...here we are again..."The Straight Wives Club...but lamenting this time over weight issues and feelings of self esteem associated with outward appearances and feelings of rejection by those we feel should love us unconditionally. Don't you get it...you are all WINNERS in my book...You have faced adversity in your relationships and faced them head on...no holds barred!!! You have come out of this battle stronger...full of energy and possessing a self confidence that I am sure, up until this time, you never knew you had! So...if you want to start a wager for a little weight loss (I have fought weight issues my entire life and luckily I am married to someone who has always pushed me to love myself before making someone else love me for how I look)...if you want to continue on this path of being the best that you can be...I will join you...but not for who is the Biggest Loser...but the Biggest Winner!!

I applaud each one of you for the strides you have taken in your lives and I encourage you to take even more steps towards a happier existence...but do it for YOU. You already have the backing of this entire site behind you...what more could you want?...This is by far a group of the most loving, accepting and yes...downright sexy, individuals you could ever hope to meet!!!

Hugs to you all...and I look forward to hearing nothing but good things from you in the future!!

Hugs,
Kate

[red_riding_hood_27]

I am doing the weight loss for me and no one else. I feel better about myself and look better at about 135 lbs. I am 5'3" and 160lbs which is not too bad for a mother of 4. However I would like to be just a little smaller. I know just about 20 lbs should do it. Here is a picture of me about 6 months before I met my Husband (binavyguy). This is the picture I sent to him when I met him online. I know I might never be this small but I would like to be just a tad smaller. I know that I am a winner. I also will be in life. I finaly realize that none of this is because of me or anything really to do with me. Hello WORLD. I am back and if any luck a tad bit smaller.

Angela

Ps thks kate for those words of encourgement

[Mrs.F]

"The Straight Wives Club" That has such a cute ring to it. :bigrin:

Thank you Kate, that was so nice of you to say. And your right. We have overcome alot and I know I have become stronger in many ways. Your words have helped me overcome alot of what I felt in the beginning. Thank you.

I also have a husband who doesn't care about weight or the days that I look like sh**, but as a woman, I always want to look better. :rolleyes: But I'm not going to dwell on it. I know that my husband will love me no matter what. He's proven that time and time again.

I live life for me and everyone who stands behind me.

Mrs.F :)

[ddbmma]

I read the thread. From a point of view of a bi husband to a straight wife, I reply.

There are periods where sex has no interest for me. And there is more to living
with another person than sex. I know sex is especially great with one you love.
But, sometimes despite knowing that, days and weeks may pass with no interest
in either gender. I might hug and cuddle, and that's it. And yes I understand
needing to be swept away, coddled and loved.

It hurts not being able to provide for the need of a lover.

"Hey lady you knew up front, I sometimes enjoy the company of men. You
took me as the whole package deal. Love you and have no plans of leaving."
That's our being swept away for coddling, a need much like your own. I can
enjoy sex and intamacy with both men & women. That is a simple matter
of being my nature, myself.

It hurts feeling you are not who or what the lover wants or needs.

Then again, we have an open marraige. Both of us can have outside lovers.
No issue of jealousy. She comes home to me, and me to her. We're safe, too.
It took her five years to let us be open. During which I never so much as thought
of guys or women, save her. I am still quite faithful and loving to her. That does
not change. My apologies, this is not an attack.

I share this in hopes you may find better understanding. Life is a struggle for
sure, but we do make it. The hurting goes both ways obviously. Communication
and honesty are vital to lessening the pain. My humble :2cents:

[csrakate]

Very true DDB..truth, honesty and open communication...are very vital!! It isn't always a bed of roses...feelings get hurt....emotions take control...fears creep in....but hey...that goes in any marriage!!! Doesn't matter if one is bi and the other is straight...it happens in all marriages...and marriages take work!

Thanks for sharing the other side DDB...it is most appreciated.

Hugs,
Kate

[ddbmma]

Welcome csr.

I am reminded of something mom once said of marraige. "If there are no spats, watch out." You're dead on in saying it is not all roses. That is half the fun, though. :) Roses have thorns to let you see their prettiness.

Well, said too much already. Not said enough, I admit to knowing nothing. Take advice given by anyone with a grain of salt. Many know nothings exist out here in our wild, wild world. See exuant, fifty cents!

[red_riding_hood_27]

Oh, I don't think it is an attack. It is an honest from the heart comment. I am glad that you have some type of peace. We are still having to find our. Personally, I don't think I could do an open marriage. I don't like a lot of drama. With the kids, the house, and my husband they keep me too busy to even think of doing that. I would like to resolve my issues with him before looking else where. Right now my husband stills makes my heart skip a beat when I see him. When I hear his voice on the phone it makes me feel loved. When he comes home from work and walks into the house it seems that all is right with the world. And when he kisses me those quivers that go through my body tell me that I don't want anyone else. I will be here for and with him as long as he finds me sexually desirable. As long as he is upfront with me and lets me know that he is going through the down time I am okay with that. It is when he does not speak and leaves me frustated. When the time comes in our realationship that he says that he can no longer perform his husbandly duties that is when we will separate. I have told him that the door is open for him to walk through to expeirment if he needs to. I won't tell him no becuase that is not right of me. So far he has not but that does not say that down the road he will not. Then we will see what happens after that.

Okay sorry such a long post...I better go

Angela

PS...Just had the best we had in over a year last night. OH MY GOD! (had to share)

[rupertbare]

Rupe-as a woman that has finally figured that out-(the forever belly) you have my undying affection-oh, yeah, and a great big hug! :bigrin:

lol!!!! Thank you Cat!!!

What I am waiting for now are the comments about sagging breasts, enormous backsides, varicose veins and support hose!!! lol!!!

Oh the joys of!!!!! lol!!!

Rupe :)

[2fer'swife]

lol!!!! Thank you Cat!!!

What I am waiting for now are the comments about sagging breasts, enormous backsides, varicose veins and support hose!!! lol!!!

Oh the joys of!!!!! lol!!!

Rupe :)

Is that an invitation? Cause I coud make some noise on a few of those...
I told my husband I'd quit eating chocolate when he quits drinking rum. I have no fear of losing my chocolate :bigrin:

[rupertbare]

lol!!!! Thank you Cat!!!

What I am waiting for now are the comments about sagging breasts, enormous backsides, varicose veins and support hose!!! lol!!!


Quoting myself - grief!!! lol!!

Of course we could get onto "me's" stuff - the men boobs, hair falling from our heads onto our shoulders, nasal and ear hair - uncontrolable eyebrows - oh yeah......and erectile dysfunction due to age, along with a slightly waning desire!! lol!!!!

The fun of aging, eh!!!!!!!!! rofl!!

So you younger members - get it while you can!!!

Love and peace

Rupe :)

[adahi]

Every married guy has to face the fact that he is now married and temptations with the same or opposite sex are forbidden. Its not a bi vs straight thing. It’s not whether we are part of the 'machine' or not. Children add a dimension that goes beyond you and your 'needs' for adventure. Having a happy family is all any real man should need or want. Yes we all have temptations but that is what masturbation is for. Fantasize and move on. I was faithful for 21 years but divorce happened anyway that had nothing to do with sexual temptation.