Next worse thing to getting caught by wife....!!!

[rob11224]

Bi married, here. My question to the group: How do you deal with the guilt/fears of disease with a wife/family at home you hate to hurt? My biggest fear was when a guy gave me crabs. Totally freaked me out. That was back in November. I avoided detection or spreading to my wife/family; no idea how! But it reminded me how dicey hookups can be. Anybody?

[littlerayofsunshine]

Your wife didn't ask why she could smell burnt hair and why the newspaper was rolled up in the bathroom next to a razor and a book of matches?:eek:

I Avoid it by : (a) not doing behind hubby's back
(b) Know who I am boinking
(c) looking before leaping I will leave if the junk doesn't look/smell right
(d) asking for disease/free documentation if I don't feel secure with the person.
LAST but surely not least:
(e) always practice safe sex.

[rob11224]

Ha! I was very lucky she didn't smell the eradicator! This guy was actually someone you would think would be clean. Was second time with him. Totally bizarre. He was as shocked as I! Lice are one thing you can't spot until....it's too late!

[Doggie_Wood]

Ha! I was very lucky she didn't smell the eradicator! This guy was actually someone you would think would be clean. Was second time with him. Totally bizarre. He was as shocked as I! Lice are one thing you can't spot until....it's too late!

I'm really surprized that the other guy didn't know with all the itching and scratching not to mention the blood spots crabs have a tendency to leave on the undies (or maybe he doesn't wear 'em).

I totally agree with what littleray posted.
One should not venture out without the SO's knowledge and approval.
Just makes for more guilt and hard feelings when your found out.

Doggie :doggie:

[rob11224]

I don't believe his itching had started at that point. As for spouse's awareness: you're looking at it from a woman's standpoint. My guess is that many bi-married men would say great in principle, not so great in practice. I know my wife couldn't handle it, and I would never want to do anything that would hurt her or our family. This is a great dilemma many biguys feel, I would guess.

[Fire Lotus]

The point is, you are already hurting your wife. You are doing something behind her back. And with the risky behavior, chances are very good she is eventually going to find out. Yes, you seeing men may upset her. She may not understand. She may not accept it. But better she finds out by you coming out and being honest with her than through recklessness and infecting her and your family with something. To me, that is unforgivable.

[rissababynta]

The point is, you are already hurting your wife. You are doing something behind her back. And with the risky behavior, chances are very good she is eventually going to find out. Yes, you seeing men may upset her. She may not understand. She may not accept it. But better she finds out by you coming out and being honest with her than through recklessness and infecting her and your family with something. To me, that is unforgivable.

I agree. Also, I know this one woman that was with a bi man before. He came out to her, and she was a little weird about him wanting to go off and have sex with other people besides her, but she accepted him for who he was and they had a fairly long and good relationship (unfortunately they ended up growing apart anyway). The same woman was with a man, and the entire time they were together he was cheating on her with a man because he "knew" she wouldn't be happy about it...when she found out she dumped him in a heartbeat simply because he wasn't honest with her and went behind her back.

When it comes right down to it, if you "know" someone that is important to you isn't going to like something that you do, and you do it anyway, that is messed up. Especially when it comes to cheating. Whichever sex you choose to be with behind someone's back, it doesn't change the fact that you cheat.

[arcuriousguy]

I have to agree with Fire Lotus and Rissa. I have a big "curious" in my name because I have never been able to bring myself to hurt the woman I love. Several here have told me that I need to suck it up and talk to my wife about it. Maybe someday I'll get over the fear of the response....

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

lol Did you ever stop to think that maybe the crabs was meant to be a Wake Up Call? Theres far worse things out there that you could bring home to the Mrs, and to the kids. Think about it. Do you want Any of therm paying for your little time of fun? Talk about resenting you for life...I know "I" would if I contracted an STD because of my Father's infidelity.:(

Talk to your Lady, plain and simple. Running around behind her back is wrong on So many different levels. If you have needs to be met, then face up to the wife and tell her straight out; dont go beatin' around the bush, or the limb in this case.
Be true to her, And to yourself.
Cat

[chook]

All I can say is that you was really lucky that it was just crabs, which in itself is bad enough, what would you have done if it was any of the other STD's would you have told your wife then or prayed that it would just go away. If you ask me for my opinion I would somehow be working on telling your wife before its too late. just my :2cents:


Cheers Chook :bigrin:

[jamieknyc]

All I can say is that you was really lucky that it was just crabs, which in itself is bad enough, what would you have done if it was any of the other STD's would you have told your wife then or prayed that it would just go away. If you ask me for my opinion I would somehow be working on telling your wife before its too late. just my :2cents:


Cheers Chook :bigrin:

Either that, or be thankful you didn't get into a worse situation, and don't do it again.

[alegrias]

Your wife didn't ask why she could smell burnt hair and why the newspaper was rolled up in the bathroom next to a razor and a book of matches?:eek:

I Avoid it by : (a) not doing behind hubby's back
(b) Know who I am boinking
(c) looking before leaping I will leave if the junk doesn't look/smell right
(d) asking for disease/free documentation if I don't feel secure with the person.
LAST but surely not least:
(e) always practice safe sex.

Good advice. Hope everyone here heeds that.

[guycurious]

So Taylorbird, if you found out your wife was doing the pool boy or a neighbor or some stranger she met at the bus stop you would just smile and say, "No problem" ? People like you always say, "I don't want to hurt the person I love." What a crock of crap. You are ONLY thinking of yourself. If you were truly concerned about her you would either:

A) Sit her down and explain your desires and try to talk about.
B) Sit her down and explain your desires and if she could not/would not accept them, you go your separate ways.

I am so tired of seeing ads that say "Must be discrete". It's saddening to see how much society has degraded and how little the vows of marriage mean to people.

How do you think your wife will feel when she finds out she has Hepatites or Herpes or HIV or ghonorhea or syphilius ?

And now I will climb down from my soap box.

[jamieknyc]

If you were truly concerned about her you would either:

A) Sit her down and explain your desires and try to talk about.
B) Sit her down and explain your desires and if she could not/would not accept them, you go your separate ways.

I am so tired of seeing ads that say "Must be discrete". It's saddening to see how much society has degraded and how little the vows of marriage mean to people.

How do you think your wife will feel when she finds out she has Hepatites or Herpes or HIV or ghonorhea or syphilius ?

And now I will climb down from my soap box.

It is grossly unfair and wrong to sit your spouse down and tell them "this is what I want to do with oither sex partners, and you can ether accept it or get lost." That is infinitely worse than doing somethng discreetly on the principle that what he or she doesn't know about won't hurt them.

[rob11224]

As you might suspect, I agree with Jamie. I think it's interesting that many of the comments here are coming from open-minded bi-women, who would probably understand. If my wife said she was having an affair with the pool GIRL I would understand, given my own bent. But in the real world all spouses don't understand. Some are Puritanical; some are closed-minded; some are not bending when it comes to sex. There are guys (and women) who just have urges that can't easily be controlled. Some of us fantasize. Some of us meet others. My "crabs" was indeed a wake-up call. I certainly didn't raise the issue here to create a judgmental morass; instead to possibly here from other guys in the same situation. But this is a healthy discussion, and much appreciated.

[rissababynta]

Guys in the same situation here would be getting the same heat from everyone else because all of those who commented...again...don't feel it is ok to do anything behind someones back...no matter what sex....

Just because you are bi doesn't mean you can't be faithful either. Yeah it might suck cause you have certain desires but ya know what?? Don't settle down with someone! If you absolutely can't be with only person of either sex and MUST go fucking others, then don't attempt to settle down with someone and cause more fucked up unnecesary problems.

[Jerkytts]

Hey Taylor....Have you tried bringing up a MMF in your dirty talk..If you do then ask her some prodding questions about guys touching guys kinda stuff and gauge her reaction. She might be more open to it then you think. My wife loves the idea of me getting together and having fun with another guy.

[allbimyself]

Some are Puritanical; some are closed-minded; some are not bending when it comes to sex.So? You still married her. Your desires do not give you an excuse to cheat.

Man up! You can tell her and hope for the best. You can end your relationship without telling her the real reason. You can just deal with your urges.

If you can cheat and still look yourself in the mirror you are NOT a man. You are a dog.

[rob11224]

So judgmental. I've been married 30 years. Lots of change in that span of time. As men age, I believe, those of us with a gay gene that was on this side of pure gay feel urges that we want to experiment with before we're gone. I don't believe I'm alone in that assessment. (You're all so f-f-frisky!)

[PolyLoveTriad]

If you love your wife enough you want to be with her and you cant tell her for fear of her leaving you then you have to ask yourself something.

Is having sexual relations with a man THAT important to you that you would risk your life with your wife, risk your health, your wifes health, all just to get off?

Im bi, my husband is bi, I totally understand feeling the sexual need to be with the same sex. I dont however. Back in the day it was safer. You got crabs from someone you thought would be safe. What if he has AIDS? What if it was AIDS you were trying to keep secret from your wife and family? There would be no way for you to explain to your wife that you had AIDS and she may have it also, when youve been married and supposedly hadnt cheated on her in 30 yrs of marraige. You cant tell someone has AIDS by looking at them. Or any other VD you could have picked up from him that may not be visible yet, like gonorrhea or chlamydia (sp). You need to think before take a dip in the pool!

Which leads me to my own opinion. Your going out and having sex with other men is cheating. Anytime someone goes off and has sex with someone behind their back is cheating. How do you think she would feel if she found out? I know how I would feel.

I dont mean to sound bitchy, Im just telling it like I see it. And honestly, youre going to get yourself bit in the ass by the dog you keep playing with.

[PolyLoveTriad]

Guys in the same situation here would be getting the same heat from everyone else because all of those who commented...again...don't feel it is ok to do anything behind someones back...no matter what sex....

Just because you are bi doesn't mean you can't be faithful either. Yeah it might suck cause you have certain desires but ya know what?? Don't settle down with someone! If you absolutely can't be with only person of either sex and MUST go fucking others, then don't attempt to settle down with someone and cause more fucked up unnecesary problems.

Exactly!

Why is it that some bi people think its ok to cheat. Have some self control. Him saying that he "wanted to try it before he went (died)" is a load of shit. Thats like him going to his neighbors house and having sex with the 18 yr old because he wanted to experiment with a teenager to see what its like before he dies. Total bullshit!

And Im sorry, but guys like that just give us a bad name.

[hudson9]

...was actually someone you would think would be clean....

You NEVER KNOW. ("...nice girls/guys don't get VD...") Faulty logic from an earlier time. "You never know" is the guiding logic behind "universal precautions" followed by healthcare professionals: you always follow proper precautions when handling blood/body fluids or when examining/treating patients, because... you never know!

On another note... I try not to judge others according to absolute principles, until I've walked a mile in their shoes. There are a range of circumstances that can cloud the issue. Some of us have not come to terms w/ our sexuality until later in life (meanwhile life didn't wait for us to catch up). There has been a dramatic liberalizing of attitudes towards sexual orientation over the last few years -- as bad as things can sometimes still be, even 10 years ago there was still much more stigma. Individally, sometimes something may occur w/ a spouse that changes their attitudes/fears, or their sexual ability or availability. Spousal and sexual relationships are complex, multi-variant things that can be no less deep because they have changed over the years -- they sometimes become both deeper and more problematic over the years.

[rissababynta]

So judgmental. I've been married 30 years. Lots of change in that span of time. As men age, I believe, those of us with a gay gene that was on this side of pure gay feel urges that we want to experiment with before we're gone. I don't believe I'm alone in that assessment. (You're all so f-f-frisky!)

Oh so because YOU and YOUR desires changed that means your wife deserves to be lied to...yeah that isn't selfish or anything...

[allbimyself]

So judgmental. I've been married 30 years. Lots of change in that span of time. As men age, I believe, those of us with a gay gene that was on this side of pure gay feel urges that we want to experiment with before we're gone. I don't believe I'm alone in that assessment. (You're all so f-f-frisky!)
Fine. Things have changed. You marriage vows haven't. Either get permission or leave. You want your cake and to eat it too.

But then again, I'm sure after 30 years your wife realizes what a tool she's married to.

[jamieknyc]

Fine. Things have changed. You marriage vows haven't. Either get permission or leave. You want your cake and to eat it too.

But then again, I'm sure after 30 years your wife realizes what a tool she's married to.

Before you holler "get permission or leave," why don't you stop to think: why should he f*** up an innocent spouse's life because some other person thinks he should ask permission amd divorce her if she refuses?

[rissababynta]

Before you holler "get permission or leave," why don't you stop to think: why should he f*** up an innocent spouse's life because some other person thinks he should ask permission amd divorce her if she refuses?

I do agree with you here, but at the same time if he absolutely can't help himself it probably would be best for BOTH of them if he just leaves so she doesn't get hurt more by repeat incidents.

[allbimyself]

Before you holler "get permission or leave," why don't you stop to think: why should he f*** up an innocent spouse's life because some other person thinks he should ask permission amd divorce her if she refuses?I am thinking. So your response is it's better to fuck up her life by cheating. Got it. BTW, I didn't say he should divorce her if she refuses to let him play, only that he should do that if she refuses and he CAN'T help himself from fucking around.

His options are:

1) Tell her and hope for the best.
2) Divorce her without telling her why.
3) Suck it up and forget about sex with men.
4) Cheat

Anything I missed? I think not.

At any rate, he doesn't seem inclined to suck it up since he's asking for advice on how to avoid STDs so she doesn't find out. Notice that he's not worried about actually giving her STDs, he's worried that giving her an STD will blow his cover.

In my mind, only the first 3 of those are acceptable because they are the only ones that don't involve lying his ass off.

Maybe you think it's preferable to fuck around, Jamie, I don't.

[Fire Lotus]

I think "permission" was a poor choice of word, but I do understand and agree with allbi's point. A marriage is a partnership and the wife should have knowledge of and a chance to have some input on his extra sexual behavior for both ethical as well as health reasons.

Fact is, it is looking like taylorbird is not going to give up what he's been doing, no matter the cost. He refuses to see it. This is selfish and whether intended or not, shows a lack of respect for his wife, marriage, family.

That being said, I think there is no more we can say to the man. We are all hitting a brick wall. He asked for advice. We gave it to him. He has chosen to not take it. Let it go. It is in the hands of karma now.

[Doggie_Wood]

So? If you can .......... still look yourself in the mirror you are NOT a man. You are a dog.


HEY!!! Watch it there Allbi ........<snickers> :tong: jk
just a little levity ....

Doggie :doggie:

[shavedcandb]

Wow....this is a great thread and right up my alley. I actually had a problem with telling my wife though I had told her of prior experiences with other guys. She was not closed off to it, but after 8 years of marriage and never really discussing it there was a breaking point at which we split for about 3 months.

When we finally agreed to sit and talk about everything she told me something I had never known.....she had experiences with other women....and liked it. She was just raised in a completely different environment than I and was taught that even if you have those feelings you should always push them away and act as if you can't stand people like that.

It was really only when she was completely honest with me that I felt I could be the same with her. I have to say that our marriage has been the best it ever has since our first year and continues to get better everyday. Just being able to talk about our feelings and needs is such a relief.

[Stormy-Bi]

OK, I know I'm very new here but I want to throw my :2cents: in.

Up untill very recently I would have been right there with the tell or else mentality, but... I have recently found that there are times where that isn't always the easiest or even best situation.

What if telling her means losing his family? What does that do to the kids to lose a parent? And the things that those kids will hear from the non-offending parent is liely to not be life or sexuality affirming either.

For many years I was with a bi man so we both agreed that we could both be with others without losing us with no problems. However, that was a rare situation as most people are not OK with sharing like that or one is ok iwth it but the other has all these hang up, etc. I have a friend that I have been the shoulder of in his relationship woes and through him have come to the opinion that some times the omission is the lesser of two evils... and denying who you truly are is not healthy, IMO. If he were truly honest his wife would leave him... while that may not be a truly bad thing (very controling and mean) she would work very hard to turn his children against him. I have seen the damage a malicious ex can to with the kids minds (esp if they are young). He does not feel he can be honest with her not so much for his sake as for his childrens. He is psyco-safe and very picky and doesn't do just pick-ups...

I know it sounds like excuses but I lived for many years afraid to be who I was and have no interest in going back in just to placate someone elses sense of right... sometimes right is not black or white... just as people are not str8 or gay...

I know I'm auto not popular but -

[allbimyself]

That's a lot of what if's, stormy. I again repeat the options:

1) Tell your partner
2) Separate w/o telling your partner why
3) Forget your desires
4) Cheat


I'm still waiting for someone to explain what the other options are. I never said they were easy choices, but they are the only ones. Just because telling isn't something you are prepared to do, for WHATEVER reason, doesn't automatically mean that cheating is what is left.

Furthermore, while all of what you said may be true, are any of those consequences worse than one partner being devastated by the other's infidelity?

I really am tired of bisexuals using their sexuality as an excuse for their infidelity. And I am EXTREMELY offended that someone new to this site (I'm referring to the OP) would come here and ask the question he did and expect a sympathetic audience because this is a site for bisexuals. "Oh! These are bisexuals, I'm sure they have advice on how to get away with fucking around!"

[rissababynta]

I really am tired of bisexuals using their sexuality as an excuse for their infidelity. And I am EXTREMELY offended that someone new to this site (I'm referring to the OP) would come here and ask the question he did and expect a sympathetic audience because this is a site for bisexuals. "Oh! These are bisexuals, I'm sure they have advice on how to get away with fucking around!"

Hell yes! My thoughts exactly.
There is no valid reason to justify cheating as far as I'm concerned. You're addicted to sex? Don't settle down and say vows that say you'll be faithful...then go seek therapy. You are bi and crave both? Either choose someone from either sex you care about and stick to it or...refer to previous option. You're unhappy with your sex life with your partner? Either seek couples therapy to help you learn to find more out of each other that you care about other than an overly active and exciting sex life...talk to them about an open relationship...or leave before you start fucking someone else. There are always things that a person can do that does not involve lies and dishonesty. Sure, maybe people will have a one night stand, sometimes people get too drunk, sometimes people have a lapse of judgement and simply fuck up. But to voluntarily do it on a regular basis? Sorry, no excuses...that's just wrong.

And if telling her means losing his family, and that is the reason why not to speak of it, then that is pretty much what we were talking about to begin with. Selfishness to satisfy a sexual desire should not be more important than doing the right thing.

[welickit]

If you are a cheat then it follows that you are a liar. If you are a cheat and a liar....what the hell do you have to offer anyone? A disease and lies about having it? We would sooner trust a thief who admits his acts than a cheat and a liar.:2cents:

[rob11224]

As the offending "OP" I must say that you are quite the intolerant, opinionated crew. Luckily, I found found a "group" for bisexual men on Yahoo who treat this seriously, sympathetically and with great though, even when there are differing opinions. (There are a ton of married men out there struggling with this issue.) Yes, this is cheating. But it is SO MUCH MORE complicated than that, but most of you wouldn't know because most of the intolerant, opinionated comments are coming from women who, I would guess, aren't married -- or if they are, are in an open relationship because your husbands enjoy 3-ways. I mistook this forum as a place bisexuals could come to discuss serious issues. I would've been better off asking: Which is better -- cut or uncut? Should I swallow? Is it OK to eat my cum? Wrong site -- SORRY!

[littlerayofsunshine]

worse next thing: She finds out during one of her routine gyno exams that she has aids, or syph or clap or herpes or trich or any of the other hundred things that are possible. She puts two and two together, but she doesn't give you the math pop quiz. One night you snuggle in bed with her, basking in your sexual satisfaction of a trist with your lover (not wife) and drift blissfully off to sleep.

Then..... Bobbett :eek:



this particular post isn't a persecution..... just a scenerio that popped in my head.

[allbimyself]

As the offending "OP" I must say that you are quite the intolerant, opinionated crew. Luckily, I found found a "group" for bisexual men on Yahoo who treat this seriously, sympathetically and with great though, even when there are differing opinions. (There are a ton of married men out there struggling with this issue.) Yes, this is cheating. But it is SO MUCH MORE complicated than that, but most of you wouldn't know because most of the intolerant, opinionated comments are coming from women who, I would guess, aren't married -- or if they are, are in an open relationship because your husbands enjoy 3-ways. I mistook this forum as a place bisexuals could come to discuss serious issues. I would've been better off asking: Which is better -- cut or uncut? Should I swallow? Is it OK to eat my cum? Wrong site -- SORRY!
Don't let the portal smack your posterior.

Saying this is a serious issue is the only thing you've said that's even close to the truth.

It's a shame so many are on the DL that they can form their own group on Yahoo to share ways of screwing over the families.

Yours is a twisted mind that can warp your actions to the extent that you can feel righteous indignation.

[rissababynta]

As the offending "OP" I must say that you are quite the intolerant, opinionated crew. Luckily, I found found a "group" for bisexual men on Yahoo who treat this seriously, sympathetically and with great though, even when there are differing opinions. (There are a ton of married men out there struggling with this issue.) Yes, this is cheating. But it is SO MUCH MORE complicated than that, but most of you wouldn't know because most of the intolerant, opinionated comments are coming from women who, I would guess, aren't married -- or if they are, are in an open relationship because your husbands enjoy 3-ways. I mistook this forum as a place bisexuals could come to discuss serious issues. I would've been better off asking: Which is better -- cut or uncut? Should I swallow? Is it OK to eat my cum? Wrong site -- SORRY!

Opiniated...hmmm....how DARE us be opiniated when our opinions are asked for...duh. Also, why are you so unhappy about comments mainly coming from women...is it because our feminine "comradery" is actually making you think about what it would feel like for you wife after all of the SHIT YOU ARE PUTTING HER THROUGH. FYI, I AM married...I we do NOT do threesomes...so I'd rather be opiniated than someone who jumps to conclusions over people because I don't like that fact that they are telling me the truth, that I am a lying piece of crap. As far as I'm concerned, all of these other bi men you speak of that are so sympathetic are either just as pigs as you are or they are trying to play nice and not be so honest with you about what they really think. Tell me, how many other bi sites did you look for before you finally found a bunch of people that would tell you only what you wanted to hear? Because obviously you aren't happy unless people see things the same way as you. How about in the future you don't ask what other people think about something...how about you just TELL them what you want them to say and maybe you won't get so whiny.

I'm not normally this mean of a person with my thoughts, but I hope your wife finds out, and I hope that she leaves you immediately, because anybody deserves better than this.

[rob11224]

How dare I infiltrate your little club. Who was to know? Imagine that...a NEW member daring to go into such dangerous waters. So which is it, girls... cut or uncut?

[cutenbi]

Wow. This thread has recieved some heated and some extremely intelligent responses. After reading through all of these I couldn't remember what the original question was so I went back and read it. I quote:

"My question to the group: How do you deal with the guilt/fears of disease with a wife/family at home you hate to hurt?"

The answer seems simple to me...don't fuck other people.

This is not a bi issue at all. It has nothing to do with what you like to put in your mouth. It has to do with risking the life of a person that you "hate to hurt". If you care about the person you are with you would never do something that could possibly kill them. I heard this crazy saying once or twice...something like...honesty is the best policy...maybe i misheard. Seems to me that honesty matters most with the things that matter most. Oh yeah and i'm a guy...i prefer cut...i love threeways....and its o.k to eat your own cum. :cool:

[rissababynta]

Cut or uncut...*grabs the straight razors and vaseline*

[rissababynta]

Wow. This thread has recieved some heated and some extremely intelligent responses. After reading through all of these I couldn't remember what the original question was so I went back and read it. I quote:

"My question to the group: How do you deal with the guilt/fears of disease with a wife/family at home you hate to hurt?"

The answer seems simple to me...don't fuck other people.

This is not a bi issue at all. It has nothing to do with what you like to put in your mouth. It has to do with risking the life of a person that you "hate to hurt". If you care about the person you are with you would never do something that could possibly kill them. I heard this crazy saying once or twice...something like...honesty is the best policy...maybe i misheard. Seems to me that honesty matters most with the things that matter most. Oh yeah and i'm a guy...i prefer cut...i love threeways....and its o.k to eat your own cum. :cool:

Try going back and reading some more of his posts...it started becoming somewhat of a bi thing right away simply by him expecting to get sympathy and understanding from other bi guys here because they are probably doing it too.

[bret5668]

How dare I infiltrate your little club. Who was to know? Imagine that...a NEW member daring to go into such dangerous waters. So which is it, girls... cut or uncut?



Our little club? Many of the folks here are quite wonderful people. The fact that you are surprised by the responses you got is not surprising to me since you seem to have no regard for yourself with your promiscuous behavior, not to mention your family. You brought this upon yourself, now man up and handle your business with some class and dignity, if not for you (and your own self health) then for your family.

[TaylorMade]

UGH.

I just broke up with my boyfriend tonight. Reason? He was not going to let me be with a woman on my own,among other things. I wanted to go places he wasn't ready to follow and well, I'd rather roll by myself than be on the down low. This is what makes it even sicker for me. . . I'm paying a cost here while you hurt people? AND YOU WANT SYMPATHY?

Fuck. that. noise.

*Taylor*

[rissababynta]

Our little club? Many of the folks here are quite wonderful people. The fact that you are surprised by the responses you got is not surprising to me since you seem to have no regard for yourself with your promiscuous behavior, not to mention your family. You brought this upon yourself, now man up and handle your business with some class and dignity, if not for you (and your own self health) then for your family.

I agree with all that you say.
And Taylor, sorry to hear that it turned out that way, but what you just said is a lot of the point that we have all been trying to say. you're post was quite insightful into that.

[TaylorMade]

I agree with all that you say.
And Taylor, sorry to hear that it turned out that way, but what you just said is a lot of the point that we have all been trying to say. you're post was quite insightful into that.

Eh, Rissa. . .I wish It didn't turn out that way, either. . .I liked him. But while I admit in a way I didn't quite deeply care, but it would just be WRONG for me to go against what he wanted and cheat selfishly like that and obviously I couldn't live like that for long.

*Taylor*

[rissababynta]

Eh, Rissa. . .I wish It didn't turn out that way, either. . .I liked him. But while I admit in a way I didn't quite deeply care, but it would just be WRONG for me to go against what he wanted and cheat selfishly like that and obviously I couldn't live like that for long.

*Taylor*

Exactly! I hope that things work out for you and I hope that you and your ex will have no hard feelings between the two of you (which would more than likely not be the case had you decided to cheat on him...)

[elian]

How dare I infiltrate your little club. Who was to know? Imagine that...a NEW member daring to go into such dangerous waters. So which is it, girls... cut or uncut?

Sorry if it seems "holier than thou" but you've seen for yourself now that the risks are real. I won't presume to be able to judge the impact on your life and your family if you tell your spouse - but "secrets kill" - in more ways than one - plain and simple.

For me to say anything else would just be exaggerating an already sore situation.

[Alice]

Taylorbird

I am a wife who is being hurt by my husband's continual cheating with men. I caught him cheating. He is not interested in me - it is like i'm invisible. I came to this wonderful site a few years ago in an attempt to gain better a understanding of his needs. I didn't want to lose him but he has poisoned our love with his secrecy, lies and deceit. He tries his best to hide it from me but i know and once you know you can never pretend you don't. Btw, i'm not homophobic, my best friend is bi and i tried every approach to make my marriage work (please see my old posts if you like) but what everyone is saying on here is true and i have learnt the hard way.
Face it, your wife did not sign up for this. If things have changed for you and you have desires/needs you should tell her and let HER decide how she deals with your news, yes that's right, SHE should be given all the information she needs to make a decision because it's not all about you, she has a life too and she has a right to decide how she wants to lead her life. My husband has screwed up my self esteem and emotional well being and my trust in people has practically gone? Is that an act of love? i think not.....

[Realist]

When I was young and dumb and full of you-know-what, I was married to a lady I did not love. We were probably the two least compatible people on earth. But instead of divorcing her, I stayed because of appearances.

I had a job where I met a lot of people of both sexes, who were willing to play. At first, it was a mindless thing, but soon I began to get a nagging feeling of doing wrong. Still, I continued to cheat. I began getting paranoid and went to great lengths to keep my secrets. I was continuously looking over my shoulder, trying to be careful of what I said, or did, afraid I might reveal myself. It was hell! Finally, I came to my senses, revealed my secrets and divorced. Even today, the things I did haunt me.

I married again, once again to a woman I did not love. This time I did not cheat, but holding back my desires and thoughts were not easy. Finally, I decided that I would cheat if I stayed married, so I divorced her, too.

Finally, I met and began a relationship with a great guy, who was gay. He was loving, compatible and extremely sensuous. However, he had difficulty accepting that I was bi and the friction became too much for us, so we both moved on.

Fast forward to last year. I joined this site and the advice about being honest and being true to one's own needs and desires, was a reoccurring theme. I began to reveal my bisexuality to prospective suitors......but I admit that I felt I'd never find a lover who would accept me. I continued to be honest and several ladies said their goodbyes as soon as I told them.

Then, I met a wonderful bisexual, polyamorous lady here, who lives closeby! Even though she's much younger than me, we began to write and grew closer and closer, until we decided to meet. (I kept telling her that because of our age difference a relationship would never work; she insisted we meet, anyway)

We became friends; each of us were honest about our pasts and so many similarities between us began to cement our relationship. To say I was amazed at finding a soul so akin to mine, is putting it mildly. The difference in our ages faded as love grew and, as I write this I know that there is someone for everyone. No one should ever settle for less than they really want, or need.

If you're honest and faithful, you will not have to look over your shoulders in fear of being caught....or dealing with the lies. No longer do I feel the sickness in the pit of my stomach that cheating put there.

I am free to love either gender (within reason) and be who I really want to be. And, I owe it, in part, to the wonderful people, here, who took the time to encourage me to do the right thing!

Thank you all, my life is better because of knowing you.

[littlerayofsunshine]

When I was young and dumb and full of you-know-what, I was married to a lady I did not love. We were probably the two least compatible people on earth. But instead of divorcing her, I stayed because of appearances.

I had a job where I met a lot of people of both sexes, who were willing to play. At first, it was a mindless thing, but soon I began to get a nagging feeling of doing wrong. Still, I continued to cheat. I began getting paranoid and went to great lengths to keep my secrets. I was continuously looking over my shoulder, trying to be careful of what I said, or did, afraid I might reveal myself. It was hell! Finally, I came to my senses, revealed my secrets and divorced. Even today, the things I did haunt me.

I married again, once again to a woman I did not love. This time I did not cheat, but holding back my desires and thoughts were not easy. Finally, I decided that I would cheat if I stayed married, so I divorced her, too.

Finally, I met and began a relationship with a great guy, who was gay. He was loving, compatible and extremely sensuous. However, he had difficulty accepting that I was bi and the friction became too much for us, so we both moved on.

Fast forward to last year. I joined this site and the advice about being honest and being true to one's own needs and desires, was a reoccurring theme. I began to reveal my bisexuality to prospective suitors......but I admit that I felt I'd never find a lover who would accept me. I continued to be honest and several ladies said their goodbyes as soon as I told them.

Then, I met a wonderful bisexual, polyamorous lady here, who lives closeby! Even though she's much younger than me, we began to write and grew closer and closer, until we decided to meet. (I kept telling her that because of our age difference a relationship would never work; she insisted we meet, anyway)

We became friends; each of us were honest about our pasts and so many similarities between us began to cement our relationship. To say I was amazed at finding a soul so akin to mine, is putting it mildly. The difference in our ages faded as love grew and, as I write this I know that there is someone for everyone. No one should ever settle for less than they really want, or need.

If you're honest and faithful, you will not have to look over your shoulders in fear of being caught....or dealing with the lies. No longer do I feel the sickness in the pit of my stomach that cheating put there.

I am free to love either gender (within reason) and be who I really want to be. And, I owe it, in part, to the wonderful people, here, who took the time to encourage me to do the right thing!

Thank you all, my life is better because of knowing you.



That was beautiful hun. Really beautiful.. I'm happy for you :)

[rissababynta]

When I was young and dumb and full of you-know-what, I was married to a lady I did not love. We were probably the two least compatible people on earth. But instead of divorcing her, I stayed because of appearances.

I had a job where I met a lot of people of both sexes, who were willing to play. At first, it was a mindless thing, but soon I began to get a nagging feeling of doing wrong. Still, I continued to cheat. I began getting paranoid and went to great lengths to keep my secrets. I was continuously looking over my shoulder, trying to be careful of what I said, or did, afraid I might reveal myself. It was hell! Finally, I came to my senses, revealed my secrets and divorced. Even today, the things I did haunt me.

I married again, once again to a woman I did not love. This time I did not cheat, but holding back my desires and thoughts were not easy. Finally, I decided that I would cheat if I stayed married, so I divorced her, too.

Finally, I met and began a relationship with a great guy, who was gay. He was loving, compatible and extremely sensuous. However, he had difficulty accepting that I was bi and the friction became too much for us, so we both moved on.

Fast forward to last year. I joined this site and the advice about being honest and being true to one's own needs and desires, was a reoccurring theme. I began to reveal my bisexuality to prospective suitors......but I admit that I felt I'd never find a lover who would accept me. I continued to be honest and several ladies said their goodbyes as soon as I told them.

Then, I met a wonderful bisexual, polyamorous lady here, who lives closeby! Even though she's much younger than me, we began to write and grew closer and closer, until we decided to meet. (I kept telling her that because of our age difference a relationship would never work; she insisted we meet, anyway)

We became friends; each of us were honest about our pasts and so many similarities between us began to cement our relationship. To say I was amazed at finding a soul so akin to mine, is putting it mildly. The difference in our ages faded as love grew and, as I write this I know that there is someone for everyone. No one should ever settle for less than they really want, or need.

If you're honest and faithful, you will not have to look over your shoulders in fear of being caught....or dealing with the lies. No longer do I feel the sickness in the pit of my stomach that cheating put there.

I am free to love either gender (within reason) and be who I really want to be. And, I owe it, in part, to the wonderful people, here, who took the time to encourage me to do the right thing!

Thank you all, my life is better because of knowing you.

When are people going to stop telling me that I make their lives better!? Sheesh, I know that I'm absolutely great in every way but come on now, must I hear it all of the time?? :tong: Hehe

That was a very honest, thoughtful, and sweet post. Love you dear.

[AlternatingRed]

Bi married, here. My question to the group: How do you deal with the guilt/fears of disease with a wife/family at home you hate to hurt? My biggest fear was when a guy gave me crabs. Totally freaked me out. That was back in November. I avoided detection or spreading to my wife/family; no idea how! But it reminded me how dicey hookups can be. Anybody?

I am sorry to be so outspoken about this, but it really disgusts me that you would deceive your wife and family in this way. For gods sake, your wife is completely innocent in this, she has been given no choice, and you could end up literally killing her through an STD. Frankly, you really deserve a slap.
If you know your partner would disapprove or for any reason you can't tell them, then don't do it or get out. It's as simple as that. No excuses.

[guycurious]

That's a lot of what if's, stormy. I again repeat the options:

1) Tell your partner
2) Separate w/o telling your partner why
3) Forget your desires
4) Cheat


I'm still waiting for someone to explain what the other options are. I never said they were easy choices, but they are the only ones. Just because telling isn't something you are prepared to do, for WHATEVER reason, doesn't automatically mean that cheating is what is left.

Furthermore, while all of what you said may be true, are any of those consequences worse than one partner being devastated by the other's infidelity?

I really am tired of bisexuals using their sexuality as an excuse for their infidelity. And I am EXTREMELY offended that someone new to this site (I'm referring to the OP) would come here and ask the question he did and expect a sympathetic audience because this is a site for bisexuals. "Oh! These are bisexuals, I'm sure they have advice on how to get away with fucking around!"

I agree 100%. Would it be any different if the OP was straight and simply looking to hook up with another female ? Would any of your sympathetic folk who are defending him still hold the same position ? I doubt it.

Doesn't matter if you are straight or bi, running around behind your spouse's back is cheating. I don't give two *hits if you can't control your 'urges'. I see lots of beautiful women (some hot guys too) that I'd love to screw around with but I don't because I TOOK A VOW TO MY WIFE !

I don't get the bi playtime that I desire but I'm grateful for the time I do (with my wife there of course.)

You go right ahead and keep rationalizing it with the excuse "my spouse wouldn't understand, he/she would leave me". All you are doing by cheating is showing how little respect you have for your spouse.

[rob11224]

Never said it wasn't "cheating." It's also lying (something I abhor) and sneaking around (something I hate doing.) There's the moral compass and the sexual compass -- both often go in different directions. Add the male/female component to the mix (at times attracted the opposite way, based on a genetic twist that creates urges you wish weren't there) and you wind up with a major conflict. I actually agree with everything said here. Easier in principle than in practice and certainly (and sadly) not as black and white as some here would suggest. My guess, lurking in the wings here, there are some men (and possibly women) who understand what I'm trying to say but obviously having a hard time articulating. But that's ok! As the offending "OP" I do believe that discourse is good.

[rissababynta]

*Face palms*

[TaylorMade]

*Face palms*

yer doin' it wrong. . .

I'm Riker, you're Picard, K? :D

http://www.fallen-legion.eu/news/data/upimages/DoubleFacePalm.jpg

If we can find a Captain Harkness Facepalm, that'd be great. :p

*Taylor*

[rob11224]

Funny, I was thinking the same thing.... about what you were saying, Rissa. You've got quite the attitude!

[rissababynta]

Funny, I was thinking the same thing.... about what you were saying, Rissa. You've got quite the attitude!


Psh...no shit.

I really don't care what a lying nasty cheater thinks of me anyway.

[rissababynta]

yer doin' it wrong. . .

I'm Riker, you're Picard, K? :D

http://www.fallen-legion.eu/news/data/upimages/DoubleFacePalm.jpg

If we can find a Captain Harkness Facepalm, that'd be great. :p

*Taylor*

Lol, works for me! Next time I'll be sure to do it better :-P

[rob11224]

I will say this for you, rissa, you have a great smile.

[rissababynta]

I must say I've never had anyone look at my pictures here and the first thing they mention is my smile

[azirish]

I'm sorry to read this. I was hoping everything would work out for you. If I didn't find this site a few years ago, I would have never believed someone like yourself existed. Things have a way of working out in the end, in due time.



UGH.

I just broke up with my boyfriend tonight. Reason? He was not going to let me be with a woman on my own,among other things. I wanted to go places he wasn't ready to follow and well, I'd rather roll by myself than be on the down low. This is what makes it even sicker for me. . . I'm paying a cost here while you hurt people? AND YOU WANT SYMPATHY?

Fuck. that. noise.

*Taylor*

[Polyamerious Phoenix]

I fair with the others that you NEED to be open with your partner.

Adn for thouse of you who say "he / She cant take it" then your with the wrong person. If they dont love you enough to stand by you and "share" with you you need to move on any ways. Doing somethign behind there back is the WORST thing you could do. Being up front and honest is the best. IF that that point they want to turn a blind eye to it ignore it and let you do as you wish thats their choice BUT its their CHOICE at that point.

Some one else said it.. What if they had Aids?? That personally scares the bloody hell out of me and I break into tears at the very thought of it. Not only are you placing your self but your whole family that you say you care about at risk.

PLEASE for their sake rethink your habits.. this is NOT the 1950's...the more people stay in the closet with who they are the longer things in this world will stay the same

If you look back in History Pre Victorian times.. It was very common not only for the men of the house to have lovers but also the women many times the two just "shared" lovers.. I think this is true today as well but people hide it liek dirty little secrets.. Thats What wrong with the world...

[tarzanthejungle]

I am thinking. So your response is it's better to fuck up her life by cheating. Got it. BTW, I didn't say he should divorce her if she refuses to let him play, only that he should do that if she refuses and he CAN'T help himself from fucking around.

His options are:

1) Tell her and hope for the best.
2) Divorce her without telling her why.
3) Suck it up and forget about sex with men.
4) Cheat

Anything I missed? I think not.


Actually, there are more options, but it takes tuning down the judgment and turning up the sympathy to recognize them. Seek the logic that is separate from the emotions, or else one risks entering the same category as those who murdered Matthew Shepard and Lawrence King. Besides, if there is one lesson I have learned in the history of Woody it's that my judgments come back to haunt me to a worse degree than my lovers. Honesty is the best approach in every relationship, but nobody is 100% honest, no matter how self-righteous he or she feels; we are not even 100% honest with ourselves. Besides, few spouses cannot even deal with 100% honesty. 30 years is a long time to be married, and when it comes to sex, honesty is the best policy, but when it comes to health, honesty is the only policy that should even be considered; love does not endanger another person's health, especially not a spouse. Obvious to me is that after 30 years, the friendship is far more valuable to each spouse than the sex, so eliminate the risks by stopping the sex with your spouse. Regarding the original question, I would suggest that you let love guide you, and make the right choice: do not give your spouse a disease, instead I recommend choosing an option not yet listed-open the marriage and choose to be friends instead of lovers. People change that's true, and deception is the result of fear, so I would recommend that you stop having sex with your wife if you are risking her health by having sex with others. By the way, if she still loves you and you love her, then it is possible to negotiate the passage to an honest and open marriage through a series of respectful dialogs negotiated with the help of a poly-friendly marriage counselor, which is a recommended strategy. I had a friendship with a couple in which the (straight) husband went out of town on a month-long business trip, returned home to the (straight) wife, who was diagnosed with herpes a week later. After two years of abusive interactions they divorced, which was the best thing for the two children since they were being programmed that spouses must fight and make each other sick. Each one of them eventually found someone to start over with, and children are resilient: they observed that mommy and daddy did not get along, and now they get to travel more than they did before the divorce.

Personally, I only date bisexual women now, and only those who have already expressed interests in bisexual men and open relationships. While this limits my "score", it does free my conscience. While I am not out (for the sake of my family), I can say this without reservation: I am grateful for the freedom from fear that I now enjoy; I am grateful that deception is not a part of my sexuality. Even though this is the 21st century, there are still a large number of people who are controlled by their emotions, and would love to carve another notch in their pistol grips that would represent the execution of their judgment of me because of my bisexuality. It is the perverse pursuit of liberty and freedom of speech that many use to justify their persecution of others for "sins" they do not fully comprehend, much less understand.

As a bisexual community, we are better served if we set aside judgments in our "encouragement" of others. Be expressive, yet realize that the audience is larger than the room one occupies, and the situation is much larger than the few words used to describe it ~ and the dynamics will never be communicated effectively through the snapshot a paragraph provides.

Honesty is always the best strategy in long-term relationships. Judgment is the worst strategy when offering advice to others; personal growth is a much better one.

"The love in our loves begins with us." (affirmation from Louise L. Hay's web site)

I presented several options in this message; an option I would recommend is to invite her to visit a poly-friendly marriage counselor with you. That is what I would do if I found myself in your situation, based on the little bit of information you have chosen to share with us.

Also, let's remember the posting rules, which are visible right beneath the green menu bar at the top of the page. "Be polite - flame the idea if you feel you must, but not the person."

[rissababynta]

hey Taylor...ready when you are for that double face palm ;)

[allbimyself]

Tarzan, you need to read your post and figure out how anything you offered doesn't start with coming out to his wife. You are right in that there are a multitude of options AFTER that option is chosen, but until then he still only has the four I outlined. Perhaps he could stop having sex with her without telling her the reasons but wouldn't that cause other problems?

BTW, I will continue to pass judgment on those that think their sexuality excuses cheating. You can continue to pass judgment on me for doing so if that's what you want.

[Realist]

My GF has a thing about wanting to "get caught".

She'd love to be spread-eagle and having another girl, or guy, going down on her, when I came in unexpectedly.

Thinking of kneeling at the edge of the bed, licking her girlfriend, when I slip in, when she least expects it, makes her wet! Her dream is for me to do that and enter her as she was in that position. It drives her mad to even discuss it!

She'd also love to catch me. She's never been allowed to watch two guys before. When we talked about a guy going down on me, or me on him, while she watched, she became so aroused that she shamelessly began to spontaneously masturbate.

To love someone and be able to tease and titillate them, until they are aroused, then interact with them, is a great thing. However, to be caught doing something that is neither agreed upon, or even taboo, while you're engaged in a monogamous relationship....that is wrong.

If you are not free to do something you're compelled to do, I think it's best that you see if you can sway your partner's permission, or separate, first.

I failed to do that in a previous marriage and I can tell you the guilt I generated still bugs me to this day. Never again! She didn't deserve my infidelity, no matter how distant and aloof we'd become with each other.

[akaroses]

Alright I know I am going to take a lot of heat here because I am new to the site . . . but I got on this site because I am struggling. You see I understand Taylorbird's spot, but I also understand all the other positions. I am the "wife" of the bi-sexual man. However, we haven't taken formal vows. I love him and accept his bi-sexuality. I accept him having sex with others. I do not consider it cheating when I am aware of what is going on. The problem is, he has hidden his bi-sexuality for so long and had a hidden life that he has trouble always being honest. Recently I found out he hooked up with a couple behind my back that he had know before we were together. He lied to me and tried to cover up his "indiscretion'" for lack of a better word. I was hurt, I was angry, I was devastated by his dishonesty. I am not sure how I would have reacted if he had told me before that he was going to do this as we have always satisfied his bi-sexual "needs" together. We have decided to go to counseling to help us . . . him to be honest and for me to trust. Taylorbird - I know "coming clean" with your wife is frightening and that there are a lot of factors that need to be weighed in but for the sake of your relationship with her and for the sake of not carrying the guilt and fear of hurting others, find a therapist to help you in "coming clean" or whatever you need to do, because if you wait and she finds out, she will question and worry about every moment the two of you are not together. That is the place I am in and I don't want to be here. I want to trust again, but I am hurt and afraid of being hurt more. Good luck to you - no judgment attached.

[Realist]

I certainly wouldn't give you any flack over this! You have gone the extra step to help him satisfy his bi-side and even was there with him. I don't understand why he felt he couldn't tell you about this other couple.

I was wondering if his being with both genders? Are you OK with him being with a guy, but not a female? Whatever it is, his lying has apparently taken a huge bite out of your trust.

[dalton307]

Does she play with you and who ever?