To Be Bi or Not to Be Bi

[maddog52]

This is a question I have been pondering for some time now and I feel that maybe I am a crossroads with this bisexual thing. I would appreciate some honest input.

Is being bisexual both emotional and sexual or just a sexual orientation. I really like sex with both men and women equally and I think that I could commit to a relationship with another man but deep, emotional love, I'm not sure.

[darkeyes]

Ya cant consciously stop bein wot ya r hun.. our sexuality often evolves inta summat else.. but at ne moment in time yas wot ya r.. ya can decide not 2 act on wot ya r.. but yas still r...:)

[TheKnaveOfHearts]

Mad Dog, a lot of men are in your situation. Even though they long for some kind of connection with another man, they can only conceive of being "romantic" with women. It's *very* important to make the distinction between an emotional bond and a romance because I think the confusion between the two is what turns men off to the idea of anything more than a physical relationship with another man.

Romance is essentially a series of rituals men and women perform in hopes of coming together and eventually settling down and forming a family unit. Emotional bonds are something completely different. They're not linked to reproduction, marriage or anything like that, but they're just as integral a part of human nature and just as strong as traditional "romance".

You say that you can see yourself committing to another man but not loving him. Perhaps by love you really mean a traditionally romantic relationship with candlelight dinners, flowers, etc. If that's the case, then it's completely normal for you to have a hard time seeing yourself in that kind of relationship with a guy. Granted, some men can and do enjoy traditionally romantic relationships with other men, but there are other ways for men to express their feelings for each other without mimicking heterosexual courtship rituals and customs. The kind of romance I'd like to have with a man is what I like to call an erotic friendship. It's just a male bond just like any other, only it's made stronger by physical and sexual intimacy. Perhaps something like that may be a better fit for you.

As for bisexuality being purely sexual, purely emotional or both: I'll just say what most people here would say, which is that everyone's sexuality is nuanced and completely unique.

:flag4:

[darkeyes]

...everyone's sexuality is nuanced and completely unique.

:flag4:...wen it cums 2 sexuality.. no more need b sed....:)

[bityme]

This is a question I have been pondering for some time now and I feel that maybe I am a crossroads with this bisexual thing. I would appreciate some honest input.

Is being bisexual both emotional and sexual or just a sexual orientation. I really like sex with both men and women equally and I think that I could commit to a relationship with another man but deep, emotional love, I'm not sure.

This is just another aspect of attempting to define ourselves with labels. I know I am bisexual and a practicing one for over 40 years. I enjoy friendship with both sexes. I also know that deep, emotional love with a man is not in the cards for me.

Each person has to decide where they are about all aspects of life. There is a very wide spectrum of sexuality and a very wide spectrum of emotional involvement. I would not expect that anyone could be defined either sexually or emotionally with just a single term. The label should be nothing more than the starting point for conversation and discovery.

You are not alone. Just be yourself.

[Realist]

I agree with Bity, MD.

I have known I was bi since about 13. But at 68, I have only been with 9 guys. All of them were LTRs, not one a stranger, or someone I didn't trust. Some might think that if I was in a relationship, for any amount of time, that I would have loved each deeply. That was not ALWAYS the truth, but, on at least two occasions I was deeply in love with a male lover and could have lived with them for the rest of my life.

You can't MAKE it happen, but if and when it does happen, you will know it. Just relax and enjoy whoever you're with and take things as they come.

[dickhand]

So far , for me at least , it is just sexual . I have been in love with a woman . I have never been in love with a man . I love being with a man or a woman or both at the same time .

[Bi_Druid]

from the sounds of what you've written maddog, this sounds an awful lot like how I myself used to feel. I used to feel I could never be long term romantic with another man, but still enjoy having purely sexual relations with them.

Now, I'm in a beautiful relation ship with my male partner, and looking back I could wonder how I could have ever not imagined such as this happening.

I still identify as Bi, as I still like having sexual and am even open to the idea of romantic relations with a female partner as well.

It's one of those things that can be both blessedly and annoyingly fluid, changing from one day to the next. You may not feel you can romantically commit to another male partner now, but somewhere down the road that may (or may not) change.

[Intimate_Light]

Maddog52,

As most have stated in this thread (and others where this subject constantly comes up :), there is no right or wrong way to be bi. The only thing that matters is being respectful towards self and others:

-- Be honest and clear with hetero mate if one has one as to nature of relationship with same-sex. Just fun play or more, whatever it is.

This applies to those who are gay or lesbian also:

--- Always be upfront with them for as with hetero, the issue of deep/romantic commitment may be far more in the cards, so to speak.

Both hetero and gay/lesbian can sometimes accuse bi people of being non-committed or superficial. But that usually comes from a place of inner wounding or fear of abandonment, regardless of orientation.

So as I apply it:I'm always upfront with a potential intimate friend of my gender that I am bi, not gay because I do not want to mislead him.

So far, I have never felt the the yearning of romantic companionship I have towards men as I have towards women. Meaning that my attraction to bi is more of a playful sensual friendship, not romantic. I simply am not longing for the same thing as a gay man.

This doesn't mean I'm not ethical, caring, compassionate and honorable.

Could I one day feel more romantic/etc. towards a man? Who knows, it would greatly depend on the person for sure.

And last, as stated by others, bi attraction is a fluid thing -- from not feeling anything at times to being borderline obsessed by it. Sexuality goes in cycles just as everything in life.

In short, you may feel bi some times, other times not, but as long as you still treat yourself and others with respect, it's all OK.