need help here ... I think my boyfriend is bi but wont admit it

[justleggs]

I'm a dw (with teenagers) and i've been in a great 2-1/2 year relationship with a wonderful man. i've always believed that he loves me dearly and our life has been awesome together ... we share many hobbies and the sex is fun and very frequent. i accidently came across some information about 6 months ago that leads me to believe that he is bi or at least bi curious. i asked him about it and he denies being bi or curious. however, since that time, I've done more poking around and have found a posting he placed stating that he was bi and looking for someone to hook up with. i'm not sure if he's ever hooked up with anyone since we've been together, and he continually denies being bi, writing emails. or ever having sex with a man. the thing is, I love him so much and our relationship is so good in every other way, that I just want him to be honest with me. i want him just as he is. i don't want him sneaking behind my back with other people (men or women) but I'm open to helping him explore his curiously. how do i get him to level with me? he wants to marry me but I can't marry him until I can totally trust help.

[evilpanda]

okay, not to hit the panic button here, but it sounds like you've found evidence that he is searching for someone to hook up with and do not know if he has been successful. if this is correct, the first priority is to start protecting yourself health-wise.

then again, he may not be looking for another bi person for sex. if he is trying to find himself and the courage to come out, one of the best things to do is to find someone who has been through the process before. i myself figured it out by talking over the phone with a bi girl, then chatting with other queer guys on and off. it was a full four years before i had my first same sex experience, mainly because i was in a straight relationship for most of that time. i didn't cheat, just sought out other queer guys to talk to.

LGBTs go through the process of self discovery and coming out in various ways, and not always by actual experimenting. No need to assume he followed the Larry Craig/ Ted Haggard/ Mark Foley route. what he needs from you is knowing that when he does come out, he won't be facing a hostile reception. other than that, i'm afraid there's not much you can do but be there.

still, better safe than sorry. stay healthy first.

(unfortunately, i know a lot about bi guys, a lot about safe sex, but virtually nothing about how to make a relationship work. i only hope this helps somewhat.)

[Lonewolf76]

I'm a dw (with teenagers) and i've been in a great 2-1/2 year relationship with a wonderful man. i've always believed that he loves me dearly and our life has been awesome together ... we share many hobbies and the sex is fun and very frequent. i accidently came across some information about 6 months ago that leads me to believe that he is bi or at least bi curious. i asked him about it and he denies being bi or curious. however, since that time, I've done more poking around and have found a posting he placed stating that he was bi and looking for someone to hook up with. i'm not sure if he's ever hooked up with anyone since we've been together, and he continually denies being bi, writing emails. or ever having sex with a man. the thing is, I love him so much and our relationship is so good in every other way, that I just want him to be honest with me. i want him just as he is. i don't want him sneaking behind my back with other people (men or women) but I'm open to helping him explore his curiously. how do i get him to level with me? he wants to marry me but I can't marry him until I can totally trust help.

Well first my disclaimer- I am NOT a therpaist or a professional counselor - but heres my humble opinion... You have probably come across your discovery of his bisexual curiosity at a very early stage of his discovering it himself. That is a very delicate/vulnerable period for the individual, they are answering questions deep inside themselves and the LAST thing you want to do at that point is come to to ANYONE. You're asking yourself - what if I am bi? What if I'm not? Most people want to try it once before and see how they feel... Why come out to anyone that you are Bisexual if you were merely curious and once you try it you find it repulsive?

In the body of your own message lies the key. You love him, you want to marry him, you're open to helping him explore his curiosity (Do you know how rare and awesome that is!!!) and you just want him to be honest. My two cents is COMMUNICATE and tell him all of that - then tell him you realize he has some things to work out - but you ARE supportive, willing to let him explore and there for him. That will go lightyears in helping him work through things knowing that you are there for him. Then give him some space and let him come to you. You have the basis for a strong loving relationship - Best of luck and blessings to you both. LW

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

I know this an unsettling thing and you want to get to the bottom of it. Perhaps he is denying it because he is afraid of how You and others will persieve him.
The key to Any relationship is as Wolfie said, Communication. Communication is Paramount. Sit down with him and Talk, away from the kids, away from everyone else that matters. This is between you two and simply ask him again; then tell him your veiws on this, good or bad. I'm Hoping you'll find it for the good, but if not, then good luck to you both.
Never close the doors to communication, tho. Keep those wide open at all times. :}
Cat

[sparkmaster69]

I would agree that to protect yourself from stds is a good idea.
You sure are special if he cant take you up on your offer to explore his and I guess your sexuality than 'Da 'Duuuude.Whats wrong with you. Bi, straight ,gay(is possable) . To have a person that is willing to be there is cool ,Just dont push it. :flag3:

[evilpanda]

at least you are accepting of bisexuality, i didn't give you credit for that one.

when i came out, a lot of my friends were, like, "dude, you're not bi," or "you've just been in hollywood too long." that's so damaging to queers who are struggling with their self acceptance and have just barely worked up the nerve to say it aloud.

the best responses are the ones that said, "yeah, we figured it out ages ago. we were just waiting for you to say it." someday, your man will probably say it aloud and you will be able to make it much easier on him.

[Biguybob]

Ok I am going to offer some advice to find out how he feels. Porn. Rent some porn videos. Let him "pick" the first couple of times then you "suggest" some Girl on girl flicks (guys like those) then a transexual or Bi porn. Let him think that you are turned on by guy on guy action like guys are turned on with girl on girl action. Move the talks to the possibility of you doing a three way with another woman for him if he does a three way with another man for you. If he is only Bi-curious then this would give a guilt free chance and might be willing to talk more. More so if he feels that you are a Bi-curious woman. Of course there is the chance that he is ashamed of his feelings and will respond with anger so be careful if you follow my advice. But if you do let know how it works out

[Sexual_soujourner]

I agree with some of the posts here. I am going to guess that he is as stated in the stage of exploring. It would be speculation, and really provide you with no answers.
I'll go out on a limb here and guess his fear is loosing you if He was to admit to any thoughts of feelings of being Bi or at least curious.
It is you that needs to confront this issue with him. I would be careful how your suspisions were arised. I would jsut tell him you trust your instincts' and that you love him, and support, and are not in any way concerned abuut the stability of the relationship.
The rest will be up to him.

[evilpanda]

the porn idea is a good one. you know you can't force him to come out. but, you can tempt him too.

also, he should know that being bi isn't wimpy or 'faggy'. it doesn't make him a sissy or any less of a man. in fact, in makes him sexier. bi is hot and he should know it. :cool:

[alegrias]

Ok I am going to offer some advice to find out how he feels. Porn. Rent some porn videos. Let him "pick" the first couple of times then you "suggest" some Girl on girl flicks (guys like those) then a transexual or Bi porn. Let him think that you are turned on by guy on guy action like guys are turned on with girl on girl action. Move the talks to the possibility of you doing a three way with another woman for him if he does a three way with another man for you. If he is only Bi-curious then this would give a guilt free chance and might be willing to talk more. More so if he feels that you are a Bi-curious woman. Of course there is the chance that he is ashamed of his feelings and will respond with anger so be careful if you follow my advice. But if you do let know how it works out

I agree that porn is a good idea. I got a bisexual porn video from adamandeve.com (Bisexual Variations, or something like that). My husband and I watched it together and that's how I came out to him. It also made him more comfortable with admitting to me his bisexual interests (even though he doesn't like to be called bi).

[nudeorphic]

I like biguybob's idea-having the woman being pro-active does turn guys on. And, if you find that you're comfortable watching MMF threeway he might open up. Many possibilities could occur.

[Lonewolf76]

Never thought about the watching porn angle - very good point. It could open many doors for you. And I agree with the others - a supportive - proactive woman is uber hot!!! LW

[wolfcamp]

I just want him to be honest with me. i want him just as he is. i don't want him sneaking behind my back with other people (men or women) but I'm open to helping him explore his curiously. how do i get him to level with me? he wants to marry me but I can't marry him until I can totally trust help.

Have you told him exactly what you have said here? If not, you should.

He is probably in self denial. He can't admit his sexuality to himself. How can he admit it to you? Maybe he doesn't trust you. Don't take that personal, but he might think you are trying to trap him into admitting something that he can't admit, nor does he want to. It's hard to say what his motivation might be for doing this, but there is a good chance that he isn't doing it for love or affection or emotional support.

The best thing I can suggest is to reassure him that you love him no matter what. Tell him you want to encourage him to just be himself, and that you just want him to level with you.

[vittoria]

Damn I wish Neil Patrick Harris came out as bi instead of gay...

*sigh*

oh well.....

[onewhocares]

Well first my disclaimer- I am NOT a therapist or a professional counselor - but heres my humble opinion... You have probably come across your discovery of his bisexual curiosity at a very early stage of his discovering it himself. That is a very delicate/vulnerable period for the individual, they are answering questions deep inside themselves and the LAST thing you want to do at that point is come to to ANYONE. You're asking yourself - what if I am bi? What if I'm not? Most people want to try it once before and see how they feel... Why come out to anyone that you are Bisexual if you were merely curious and once you try it you find it repulsive?

In the body of your own message lies the key. You love him, you want to marry him, you're open to helping him explore his curiosity (Do you know how rare and awesome that is!!!) and you just want him to be honest. My two cents is COMMUNICATE and tell him all of that - then tell him you realize he has some things to work out - but you ARE supportive, willing to let him explore and there for him. That will go light years in helping him work through things knowing that you are there for him. Then give him some space and let him come to you. You have the basis for a strong loving relationship - Best of luck and blessings to you both. LW


Yet again Lonewolf takes the words right out of my mouth....Listen to him. I can tell you from personal experience that it takes a loving and communicating partner to ease your boyfriends mind. Knowing that you are open, understanding, caring and wanting to explore this new road with him should give him a sense of comfort. Let him know how you feel...and I do think that once he gets used to the idea that you know...he will slowly share this thoughts and feelings with you.

If you need to talk to someone who has been in your shoes, please do not hesitate to contact me. Wishing you the best.

Belle

[tristancir]

You should not under any circumstances discuss this with any friends, family member etc. If he is keeping this private from you, he sure does not want your mom or sister knowing.

Now that he has denied it, it is hard for him to go back now and admit that he wasn't open and honest. That might be a relationship issue.

80 percent of communication is non-verbal. Tone of voice, facial expressions and body language are huge in this situation. Be careful of what message you are really conveying.

Do not approach the subject as if it were some life and death situation. No heart to heart, soul exposing, deep emotional discussions. Most men don't like those and find it really painful to have them. Going after it in that manner sends an underlying message that you perceive this to be a problem that has to be dealt with. Despite your words, you may be sending a subconscious message that you have found something he did wrong in his past or present and you want him to confess. I'm sure you can see how he might become defensive.

Make comments in a light fashion, in passing. For example, while driving, with a smile, you can tell him that if he is bi or might be bi, that you are perfectly comfortable with it. Give him an unconditional opening.

Some(most?) women are not able to deal with knowing that their boyfriend or husband is bi. I cannot tell you the number of bi guys who have told me about their wives or girlfriends freaking out in that situation. I get the impression that they think their boyfriend will leave them for a guy.
You don't sound like one of those and you are a gem, let me tell you.

Being attracted to both sexes does not mean being active with both. Being bi does not mean one is actively bi.

He may be sorting this out in his mind or he may know full well he is bi and wants to keep that private. If he is keeping it private, it is may be because of a perceived reaction from you. He is dead wrong, but he perceives you will react negatively. If he is sorting it out, then he would want you to leave it alone. Men do not like to talk about their internal challenges. This isn't bad. This is just how we are.

[Intimate_Light]

Hi Ms. JustLeggs,

To me, perhaps the most important part of your posting was...

"... i want him just as he is. i don't want him sneaking behind my back with other people (men or women) but I'm open to helping him explore his curiously. how do i get him to level with me? he wants to marry me but I can't marry him until I can totally trust help."

As others of stated here, communication and trust is essential, and so is the fact that he is most likely in the discovery pangs of all this. Some of the advice given above is right on, too.

Maybe one way of approaching this is related to what you said, including the word "...help" - which was addressed to members of this community. It may be that if you phrase it to him that you need his help in sorting this out, it may feel far less threatening for him to start to share more info.

In that way, it changes the dynamic of him feeling interrogated/insecure/unsure to being the one able to offer something to you (being the one helping you understand him trying to sort this stuff out for himself).

Your profile is very new and you chose to not state your own leanings though it sounds you are hetero, but obviously open to working through this with him.

While I'm more "ahead" of this realizing I have bi leanings than your partner, there is something that you may ask yourself that I've had to come to terms with regarding the next woman I get intimate and close with:

---- Am I a hetero woman who is willing to just tolerate (but never really like and feel threatened by) the fact that my man is or could be bi, or could I truly accept, love and maybe even admire him for being that within mutually agreed conditions?

There is no wrong answer.

But only the second will fit into a genuine marriage or relationship. Accepting a mate's orientation is far more intimate and emotionally charged presence in a relationship than say, a mate's hobbies such as mi nature trains, origami, knitting, etc. :)

Woven within in that is also the issue that is sometimes discussed here: degrees and forms of bi-sexuality:

--- Some people are happily married and one or both mates have playful, respectful yet not emotionally charged experienced bi partners and they keep these separate (i.e. not asking about what they do or with whom). Though of course, safety and AIDS, etc. has to be discussed.

--- Others have a far more open marriage in which the partners meet each other and are all good friends, or more.

Others only have the urges once in a while, and on and on. In other words there are all kinds of paradigms of how one is bi and how one integrates one or more of the partner's bisexual expression and experience.

Maybe a bit more than you need on your plate right now, and considering he's doesn't seem to be sure of much within himself, kind of moot or premature. But at some point if you two keep your hearts joined and start down this road of intimate mutual trust and communication together, these kinds of things will come up and have to be sorted out.

This challenge could very well be another opportunity for you two to get even closer. Things happen for a reason, and the timing seems perfect to me: better now than after the wedding.

Hopefully insights given by other members and myself (or anywhere else you find them) will turn out to be helpful to turning this into something beautiful--not just "tolerable" for both of you.

-----------------------------

And last, let me put it in a lighter way that can give you a sense of how this could actually work out to be fun. A year or so into your marriage, you and he are talking stuff. Then the subject come up about oral sex, and he says to you:

"You know, this is kind of cool how this worked out. I know you say you like having me hard and throbbing in your mouth and how sweet that is. What's so great is that you understand why I love THAT sensation too. Another shared interest! Isn't this freakin' great?"

Wishing you the best outcome.

[welickit]

You are quite vague on the information you claim he posted. In addition you want him to be totally honest while you "poke around" behind his back in his private messages. Bite the bullet and admit you are a sneak and don't place trust in anyone. We tend to agree with him for not sharing anything with you. You invade his privacy and expect trust and respect in return. You both need to open up because if you don't then you need to part company. It is easier to get rid of one person than a different lie every week. :2cents:

[Intimate_Light]

While I stand with my gentler voiced suggestions, Welickit has a good point: "You invade his privacy and expect trust and respect in return. You both need to open up because if you don't then you need to part company."

While in different ways, both of you are acting out of fear, and it's understandable. I don't need the details of what you "poked" into, that's your business. However, hidden stuff (i.e. poking into stuff or denying things) will always eventually reveal itself--and until then, these things first subtly and then less subtly poisons the loving space between people.

But again: Ass sticky as this is getting, it IS an opportunity to clear up stuff between you and to actually strengthen your relationship. But it takes two to do that tango.

[veganbigmac]

Well, I feel like I am in a unique position to offer a bit of insight. I just broke up with my girlfriend of 2 1/2 years. It was incredibly challenging. One of the main reasons we broke up is because I have been struggling with my bisexuality. I came out to her a year after we started dating. I waited because she was fairly homophobic and I cared about her so much that I was afraid I'd lose her. When I came out we had a long discussion that was basically me assuring her I wouldn't cheat on her. I thought the issue was resolved, but then things got dicey a few months ago.
Out of the blue, despite my best efforts, I couldn't stop thinking about guys. So I changed the porn I watched and tried to reign in my thoughts. But when my attraction towards men started to affect things in the bedroom it got more difficult. I had to fantasize when we made love. That's when I knew things were going South fast. I kept trying to focus my mind on other things and keep busy. Eventually things became untenable. I was a wreck, all day, every day all I would think about was how to break up with her without hurting her. It went like that for about three months, until finally I realized that I had to end the relationship because it was unfair to both of us. So I kept trying to come up with other reasons for the break up.
Then we broke up, it was extremely painful. We fought for about forty minutes over the issues I had other than my bisexuality, in planning the conversation I told myself I wouldn't mention that I was struggling with being bi. But in having the conversation I realized I couldn't lie to her about such a huge, and legitimate relationship issue. So I told her I'd been preoccupied with men lately. That I couldn't stop thinking about having sex with guys. I even told her that I had to fantasize during sex to get off. That had to be the hardest thing I've ever done. But she said something amazing, "I wish you would've just told me about all this earlier and avoided putting yourself through all this." I couldn't believe she accepted what I had told her, and it made me feel like such an asshole for not telling her.
I'd like to write that everything went hunky dory and we are enjoying a great open relationship. Sadly, that's not the case. She believes in monogamy, and told me she could never be in a sexual situation with me and another man. We broke up three days ago now, and while it's a relief on the one hand, on the other I now have a lot of introspection ahead of me.

I realize that was probably way too much of a preface to my advice, but I think it's important for you to see a similar situation to yours from the other side. If you have some decent evidence that your boyfriend is bi, and he denies it, it's probably because he thinks the world of you and is afraid of losing you. I know that's why I wasn't forthright with my ex. It's one of the toughest issues in the world to be facing, and there isn't a lot of help out there. Probably the most important thing is that you let him know that you love him, and support him, even if the end result is him leaving you. I wish I had some better advice to give, but I haven't gone about my situation in the best of ways. If I had to do it over again, I would've been honest and open about everything.

I'm sorry if this post is too gargantuan, I was just so excited to finally find someplace to talk about these things. Good luck my friend, I hope everything works out in the end.

[justleggs]

I want to thank everyone for all the emails ... it really helps me. It is interesting that several of you mentioned porn, we've recently been watching porn and have both really enjoyed it. He's always made me choose so I've been chosing different things to see what he likes best. I've actually just ordered a varation DVD from adamandeve which has multiple situations in it to include man on man ... I am very curious to see how he likes it. oh, also something mentioned my orientation .. I am hetro ... however I would be open to bringing a 3rd in (male or female) if he would want to once in a while.

I should also add that for 2 years I was 100% trusting of him ... no doubts about anything. He is very open with me (or so appeared to be) and I believe he loves me very much. I believe our relationship is at a much deeper level than he has ever had. We were both still going through the final stages of our divorces last year and his seemed to be dragging on and on. Only than did I get concerned that something was going on. I've never been anxious to get remarried -- it took me too many years to get out of a bad marriage, but he has always talked marriage from early on. So, I couldn't understand why his very uncomplicated divorce (as opposed to my complicated divorce) took so long. When I said I poked around, I went into his email and I saw were he sent body/cock pics to another man. I saw another email where he emailed another guy to see if he was interested ... another email accout where it was obvious everyone in the address book was bi/gay/or curious. I've since found an add on men4sexnow etc where he posts that he is looking for someone to teach him ... so I think it is clear that there is some interest or exploration going on. However, I never saw anything to indicate that he actually did ever have sex with a man.

I did admit to him that I went into his email ... once again, I believe that you cannot have a relationship without trust so I had to tell him and deal with the consequences ... he denied the emails ... said it was him that sent them ... said that the one of him sending his pic was joke. I asked him if he was bi and he said no. He said that when he got sober (11-1/2 years ago) he questioned his sexuality. He said that he no longer questioned it. I asked him what he did to work through the process and he said he put it to pen and paper (which I don't believe). I asked him if he ever had sex with a man and he said no. He said that he would do anything and give up anything to be with me ... I told him he doesn't have to do that, just be honest with me. I explained that if he's not honest about some things, than we cannot have a trusting relationship -- how will I know what is true and what is not. I've told him that I will be by his side always if he is always honest with me. I really don't know what else to do.

Sometimes I think I can continue to take it day by day ... other times I really stress. We've lived together most the 2-1/2 years and we spend ALL of our time together - we truely enjoy doing things together (we both volunteer at the firehouse - I'm an EMT and him a FF, we have season tickets for hockey, etc). Our relationship still has the 'newness' fun, exciting factor to it. We both have strong sex drives and the sex is very often and very good. Everything is awesome about our relationship except that fact that I believe he is not totally being honest with me.

I am going to stay by his side because I cannot image life without him. I will continue to take it one day at a time and make him feel as safe as possible (he tells me he feels so safe with me) and I hope that eventually he will be completely honest with me. It really, really helps to be able to 'talk' to you all. As you all mentioned, I don't want to talk to family, friends etc because this is so personal and I don't want to taint their view of him and our relationship.

[Lonewolf76]

I want to thank everyone for all the emails ... it really helps me. It is interesting that several of you mentioned porn, we've recently been watching porn and have both really enjoyed it. He's always made me choose so I've been chosing different things to see what he likes best. I've actually just ordered a varation DVD from adamandeve which has multiple situations in it to include man on man ... I am very curious to see how he likes it. oh, also something mentioned my orientation .. I am hetro ... however I would be open to bringing a 3rd in (male or female) if he would want to once in a while.

I should also add that for 2 years I was 100% trusting of him ... no doubts about anything. He is very open with me (or so appeared to be) and I believe he loves me very much. I believe our relationship is at a much deeper level than he has ever had. We were both still going through the final stages of our divorces last year and his seemed to be dragging on and on. Only than did I get concerned that something was going on. I've never been anxious to get remarried -- it took me too many years to get out of a bad marriage, but he has always talked marriage from early on. So, I couldn't understand why his very uncomplicated divorce (as opposed to my complicated divorce) took so long. When I said I poked around, I went into his email and I saw were he sent body/cock pics to another man. I saw another email where he emailed another guy to see if he was interested ... another email accout where it was obvious everyone in the address book was bi/gay/or curious. I've since found an add on men4sexnow etc where he posts that he is looking for someone to teach him ... so I think it is clear that there is some interest or exploration going on. However, I never saw anything to indicate that he actually did ever have sex with a man.

I did admit to him that I went into his email ... once again, I believe that you cannot have a relationship without trust so I had to tell him and deal with the consequences ... he denied the emails ... said it was him that sent them ... said that the one of him sending his pic was joke. I asked him if he was bi and he said no. He said that when he got sober (11-1/2 years ago) he questioned his sexuality. He said that he no longer questioned it. I asked him what he did to work through the process and he said he put it to pen and paper (which I don't believe). I asked him if he ever had sex with a man and he said no. He said that he would do anything and give up anything to be with me ... I told him he doesn't have to do that, just be honest with me. I explained that if he's not honest about some things, than we cannot have a trusting relationship -- how will I know what is true and what is not. I've told him that I will be by his side always if he is always honest with me. I really don't know what else to do.

Sometimes I think I can continue to take it day by day ... other times I really stress. We've lived together most the 2-1/2 years and we spend ALL of our time together - we truely enjoy doing things together (we both volunteer at the firehouse - I'm an EMT and him a FF, we have season tickets for hockey, etc). Our relationship still has the 'newness' fun, exciting factor to it. We both have strong sex drives and the sex is very often and very good. Everything is awesome about our relationship except that fact that I believe he is not totally being honest with me.

I am going to stay by his side because I cannot image life without him. I will continue to take it one day at a time and make him feel as safe as possible (he tells me he feels so safe with me) and I hope that eventually he will be completely honest with me. It really, really helps to be able to 'talk' to you all. As you all mentioned, I don't want to talk to family, friends etc because this is so personal and I don't want to taint their view of him and our relationship.

Leggs - It's never easy and you DO have issues to work through - but if you both love and respect one another - those issues are just bumps in the road. Communicate - Communicate - Communicate! And remember - we are all here for you if you need to talk, need a shoulder etc. I'll send positive energy your way. Blessings. LW

[AmericanBeauty]

You're asking yourself - what if I am bi? What if I'm not? Most people want to try it once before and see how they feel... Why come out to anyone that you are Bisexual if you were merely curious and once you try it you find it repulsive?

But the fact remains, most people if they're heterosexual or even gay/lesbian, are not curious about what sex is like with the same gender (if they're straight), or opposite gender (if they're gay).

justleggs-If he has cheated on you, dump him, and DO NOT marry him, as he'll do it again if you marry him and you can't and won't change him. Tell him how you've found his ad looking to hook up with other people or men, and ask him to tell the truth.

[Lonewolf76]

But the fact remains, most people if they're heterosexual or even gay/lesbian, are not curious about what sex is like with the same gender (if they're straight), or opposite gender (if they're gay).

justleggs-If he has cheated on you, dump him, and DO NOT marry him, as he'll do it again if you marry him and you can't and won't change him. Tell him how you've found his ad looking to hook up with other people or men, and ask him to tell the truth.

Totally disagree with AmericanBeauty -

"But the fact remains, most people if they're heterosexual or even gay/lesbian, are not curious about what sex is like with the same gender (if they're straight), or opposite gender (if they're gay)."

This statement is absolutely TRUE from a strict hetero or Gay Lesbian viewpoint. However - Bisexuals are NOT and never have been strictly Hetero or Gay or Lesbian - that is exactly why we are BIsexuals! From a Bisexual view - I know from my OWN experience and that of several others - that you really did want to have an experience with the same sex to see how it went - were you repulsed? - if yes then you were probably just bicurious and you're really hetero - why out yourself!! Did you like it more with the same sex than you have with the opposite sex? - then you are probably predominantly Gay or Lesbian - or like me... did you find you liked sex with men and woman fairly equally - then you are bisexual. You drive a new car before you buy it! Why NOT test the waters an see where your sexuality lies??

"justleggs-If he has cheated on you, dump him, and DO NOT marry him, as he'll do it again if you marry him and you can't and won't change him. Tell him how you've found his ad looking to hook up with other people or men, and ask him to tell the truth"

Totally disagree with this as well. You don't have to CHANGE him - you just have to love and accept him for who he is, nd you sound prepared to do that. The approach suggested by American Beauty is not only confrontational and hurtful - but destructive as well - there are FAR better approaches to handling this (many already suggested by previous posters).

The bottom line here Leggs is that you love him and he's human - he's in a period of vulnerable discovery and as mentioned in your own post - you are open-minded and willing to support him on these issues and that just shows what a loving/awesome woman you are. Don't listen to someone who wants you to throw that all away - listen to your own heart and head - you know yourself and your partner better than anyone on here. Also listen to the MAJORITY of experience here - not someone who wants to box us all into gay/lesbian/straight - we get enough of THAT already! Best wishes to you! LW

[Intimate_Light]

Has JustLeggs taken in some of the thoughtful advice offered here? It would be nice if she at least came back and said, "Hey, thanks for taking the time to give me some stuff to think about."

So if you have come back and read this stuff, let us know, even if just a short note. Everything is take-it-or-leave-it, but it's always a lift when someone knowledges help being offered. We're human too :)