Marital Dilemma (long)

[red_rose129]

Ok, so I've been on the site hard for the past week or two...seeing that everyone is polite and for the most part non-judgemental, I've decided to open a bit of myself up in hopes of finding a plausible solution.

I'm 29, and have been with my husband since I was 14. We have 2 children, one in heaven, and a 4 1/2 year old. We've been married since I was 20. He was my first, however I have had a total of 3 partners (ok..."technically" 4 but we wont get into that...lol) [all male] Anyway, we are from the same small town and moved to nyc. a couple years ago..we moved upstate. Last year, while doing karaoke, I saw a lady, with whom I became infatuated with. She doesn't have a clue. My closest friends know her by name only..and only 1 person who knows her knows I had a crush on her. One night i wrote a poem. I probably shouldve been a writer because it comes so easy to me. Well..when I read back the words my fingers danced out, I was quite surprised. It was quite explicit. I didn't think I could be so sexually turned on by a woman. I also didnt think I could be sexually intimate with a woman, prior to this. So I started doing some soul searching.

I started remembering things, that i forgot...on purpose, from my childhood. Like as a very young child...experimenting...with other girls....and I remember licking another girl "down there". I remember being a tomboy and everyone calling me "manly" when i was in intermediate school..and the time when i was in highschool where I fingered and went down (for a very quick time... oh jeez...it was very "talc-y" lmao!!!) on my best friend...who was dating my boyfriend [husband] best friend while watching a porno. I also thought about the time in the locker room...i snuck peeks at the other girls.....and how i always had an attraction for sexy ass women. I "forgot" all of that because where I'm from there was no such thing as a lesbian, bisexual, or open person. you were hetero, you grew up jesus fearing in the church, and you did right by your parents (or whatever that meant) me, I was the goodie goodie, too. Anyway, this girl I saw and eventually befriended was the first lesbian I met.. I guess she sorta reminded me of me as a young adult.

After speaking with an adrogenous male, who i also find extremely attractive in his women's clothing...especially this pair of boody huggers...i wowed myself again. but he really let me know its ok to be me. At first I though...oh i must be getting tired of my husband....but our sex is still bangin....we have fun...and we definately have our ups and downs...lol...like all married couples. and these feelings I've had for a very long time...i just hid them because i thought it was "wrong" or perverse for that matter.

so, I realize it's me...and that's ok. so I've been doing a lot of research because it felt soo good to "remember" all of those things...and say it and be ok with it...and its not wrong..and im free. so i started joining a lot of different blogs. a lot of lesbian blogs...and bi blogs..and open blogs .........now i have a serious burning desire to be with another woman. but not just sexually. I wanna date them....etc. i came out to my husband...and asked him if I could have a girlfriend. without a thought he said no. it is sooo not an option. and now i dont know what to do. now that i have alllowed myself to think about it & "remember" it...and know it....i've been really wanted to have a relationship intimate & sexual with a woman. so much so...at work today...just listening to the podcast...and i almost had to excuse myself in the bathroom. (its been a while since ive done that.... although its something...every couple months when i get insatiable i have to do just to maintain sanity and not fuck everything that moves) I made it thru the day.... but i still dont kno what to do. my friends, including the one i USED to have a crush on [a very intimate conversation with her girlfriend....and seeing how much she loves her...has completely changed the way I view her] have taken me to a very open bar catering to the lgbt community....and i enjoy myself. I dont go to meet anyone and its public. Well, they've invited me to a "girls only" party..and I'm SOOO not going. because i think its tooo intimate...and me feeling the way i do I dont want to do something I'll regret.

BOTTOM LINE (sorry this is long):

I dont want to leave my husband. i do love him.
I dont want to cheat on my husband.
I dont want to meet anyone....(and i make it known on all my boards that im not looking for a relationship)

but, I just want to know if anyone else is in a similar situation and how are they handling it or what did they do?

Does anyone have suggestions/thoughts??

thanks for listening

red:)

[graytwo]

Ok, all married couples. and these feelings I've had for a very long time...i just hid them because i thought it was "wrong" or perverse for that matter.

.........now i have a serious burning desire to be with another woman. but not just sexually. I wanna date them....etc. i came out to my husband...and asked him if I could have a girlfriend. without a thought he said no. it is sooo not an option. and now i dont know what to do. ... so much so...at work today...just listening to the podcast...and i almost had to excuse myself in the bathroom. (its been a while since ive done that.... although its something...every couple months when i get insatiable i have to do just to maintain sanity and not fuck everything that moves)......

BOTTOM LINE (sorry this is long):

I dont want to leave my husband. i do love him.
I dont want to cheat on my husband.
I dont want to meet anyone....(and i make it known on all my boards that im not looking for a relationship)

but, I just want to know if anyone else is in a similar situation and how are they handling it or what did they do?

thanks for listening

red:)

Whew! look at the 3 things you said:

I dont want to leave my husband. i do love him.
I dont want to cheat on my husband.
I dont want to meet anyone....(and i make it known on all my boards that im not looking for a relationship)

All were based on "I don't". More importantly think about your kids and how they'll be affected. Sorry to drop the female burden on you, males only provide and walk, hunt and some other things.....

1. keep the kids first!
2. why the husband said no! - not any male that I knew of - really dumb! Not that he'd get to do the porno 1 guy/2girls stuff, just if he knew his lady was happy. [old world concept for ladies]
3... cheat.... Hmmm? Does, fishing, golf, hunting, get away, backwoods sound familiar? Whether they go off to only watch porn. Or do they JO and do male suck and fuck? You'll never know? Why worry?
4. .........now i have a serious burning desire to be with another woman. but not just sexually. I wanna date them....

My thoughts,
go with #1 and #4. Don't mess up #1 since they'll understand and blend with whatever you do. As for #4, hint - females are tough dates.......... ;)

-graytwo

[12voltman59]

My advice to you at this point RR--don't take any action as far as going to the event you were invited to --even though I think it would be a fine thing to do---and don't get involved with anyone--I say--if you can--find a source for some sort of counselling--see if you have a GLBT type center in your area---and go to them--see what sort of help they have in the counselling/therapy area----I recommend going to them since your desire to be with another woman is core to your entire delimma.

I hope this works for you---and once you do open this door--be strong and accept whatever it is you find out about yourself.

Good luck----

[bityme]

Your problem is you are under 30 and you have already spent half your life with one man. You never gave yourself a chance to find the "YOU."

People grow in different ways. You are experiencing the loss of some good things you remember and the fear that any renewal will drastically alter your life.

I agree with the prior post that you have stated what you believe to be your options using the phrase "I don't want." You need to create another set with "I want." Once you have the two lists, then you have to analyze them and determine the existence of conflicts.

You will need to decide what is necessary to resolve the conflicts. In some cases, the price may be too great and you will decide against change. Possibly, in other cases a resolution can be found.

Before your husband said "no," did you tell him about your prior experiences and their effect on you today? It might be a good starting point. If he is understanding about those experiences and emotions, he might be able to help you to resolve the conflicts as opposed to being dictatorial. If he is not helpful or understanding, you may have a whole new set of decisions to make about your future.

Only one word of advice. Never stay with someone "because of the kids." It never works out for you or the children. The children recognize the conflict and it screws them up more than a split home.:2cents:

[Intimate_Light]

Red Rose,

First, I commend you for having the integrity to want to find a fair solution. Sometimes it feels that there is so much wanton promiscuity these days. As far as the emphasis put on the "don't" vs. "I want" by a couple of the responders here, I understand what it being suggested, but whatever the use of verbs, it's clear you want to do the right thing.

I also noticed that all of us responding so far are all male. Aside from the possible advantage of getting some counseling if needed, it seems that you would also benefit from clear-headed and compassionate advice from women in your situation, i.e. long term or married.

Passing Phase and/or Blossoming as You

Now, one word that jumped out at me in your description of attractions was "infatuated." This is not question that there are some long-standing bi-leaning surfacing, but let me share something a lesbian friend told me during one of my own surfacing periods:

I had started a relationship with a woman a few years ago and not too far into it, I started having bi fantasies. At one point, I sat down with this friend explaining what was going on (while it was only a new lover relationship with a straight woman, I was dealing with the same moral issues).

At one point my lesbian friend gently asked me, "Is it possible that this bi thing is more of a fantasy and/or possibly a subconscious way that you don't actually feel connected to this woman?"

What she meant by the first part was what has been discussed here at the board too -- that there are all levels of bi-ness. Some heteros never venture into acting things out sexually, yet still have fantasies.

(In fact, you may want to contact csrakate (she lives in Georgia, USA) here this site--they are married, she's bi and her husband has bi leanings but chooses not to act them out).

What my friend had meant by the second part actually turned out to be true - I was sensing the initial tip of incompatibility with my new romantic partner, though it didn't surface until a little bit later.

Your situation is quite different, but perhaps there is something that is not being met by your marriage in emotional/spiritual/deep connection terms with your husband. As you and others have pointed out, you are a "young bride" who is now only starting to surface and develop into discovering who you are as you, not just as a wife and mother.

So whether a passing phase of attraction or infatuation and/or a signal of your own growth and expansion--including actual bi-ness, this needs to be walked through with loving patience and understanding. This not only towards yourself, but your husband, of course.

Honoring Boundaries with Love

We're all wired differently and some of us can handle more than others: whatever one's gender, I know that it can be very threatening that a mate or spouse have an intimate connection with another person.

While there is this stereotype that the male is more promiscuous/hunter/etc. and so would be less vulnerable to a woman cozying up to another woman or even dip into the have-two-women at one time sexual romps, people are still people. Some of us have more fragile or sensitive egos.

Let's say you two somehow worked out an experiment stage whereby he let's you try it out, so to speak.

-- Do you feel that your emotional connection with a woman would end up taking away from the intimacy (not just sexual) with your husband (i.e. substitution/replacement) in some way -- or not?

You obviously have enough of a mature marriage to feel safe enough to have come out with him about this -- not every marriage is by a long shot. But is there enough of a solid foundation for you to be able to:

a) Know in your heart of hearts that he would not be "subsituted"?
b) If so, be able to lovingly convince him of it?

These may be premature questions to consider or not. But of one thing I am pretty sure: whether he has or has voiced it out loud, there is a part of him that is feeling threatened consciously or subconsciously now that you've talked about it.

I'm sure you don't want him to feel that way and this surfacing/blossoming of feelings isn't easy. But as suggested above, take it slow and work through things in a fair way towards yourself and him.

As to what's blossoming in you about all of this, you may want to check out the thread "Emotional needs vs. Physical attraction" (http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6927) (the aforementioned member, csrakate, shares her husband's choice in there too). This may be helpful in gaging what kind of attraction is developing for you (there is no right or wrong or one-only answer for life is fluid).

"Teach Your Children Well"

As far as children is concerned, having none myself, I'm not in a position to say anything except that I totally agree that children DO pick up the undercurrents of lingering disharmony in their parents. My parents divorced early in my life and it wasn't pretty long before that.

So whatever is to unfold between you and your husband, it is not so much what the result but the process that will have the most impact on your child. Both of you have to be examples of how best to resolve differences, stoic or passive/aggressive drama doesn't fool any child.

In other words, wouldn't it be cool if your child were to say to a friend years from now...

"You know, my parents went through some stuff about all of this and it got a bit dicey here and there. But the truth is I learned so much from how they worked it out. Through it all, loving respect for each other still prevailed and I felt it. I'm proud of them."

Not only would it be beautiful that your child would feel this way, but his parents about themselves, too :)

Last but not least, I am not and have never been in your particular situation, so all of the above is offered as just another fellow human being only, not some self-appointed counselor or therapist.

So whatever you take or leave from this scribble, I wish you the very best.

[red_rose129]

wow! for some reason, I never subscribed to this post! i guess it's only been almost 3 years later, lol.

Ok, so in jan of 2011 I started dating the most amazing woman ever. we are still dating. My husband knows about her but has never met her or her husband. I hang out with her & her husband every couple of months. my daughter has met her and calls her "auntie" we spent last years pride together in a hotel but have not been completely intimate. we have been "very touchy" but due to our schedules (both of us are married and work full time AND now i'm in school full time) we havent figured out when. We have decided to get a hotel room, being it's been over a year, but it's just a matter of our availability: particularly mine since i'm a mother as well. I like her A LOT. She's incredible, understanding, amazing, etc. I wish she lived a little closer, she lives an hour away, but we try to see each other at least 1x a month.

My husband: i dont know what to say about him. he knows, isn't extremely happy about it, he says he "understands". I think as more time passes he'll be ok, though. that's another reason I haven't taken things to another level, I wanted to make sure having sex with someone outside my marriage couldn't be used against me. But I'm feeling a little more confident things will be ok.

I'll be seeing her sexy self this sunday and i'm super excited. we are going on a date with another bi couple and i'm hoping the weather is decent enough to get a little alone time in (raising eye brows) but not enough time to have sex, lol. but we both can not wait. spending all night with her in the hotel room....one of the most beautiful experiences ever. the shower, the bed, smelling her hair, cuddling, watching her get dressed, her smell, everything it was amazing. she agreed and we both cant wait for more :)

i think this is almost as long as my original post, lol!!!

ttys!

[w00ki33]

Okay, I'm trying not to be douchy about this, but am I the only one who thinks that RR's husband is perfectly within his rights to be upset about this? Don't get me wrong, it would be good if he was entirely okay way it, but I don't think it's dumb or wrong to want a monogamous relationship with your spouse.

RR, I'm very glad that you have been open with your husband and discussed this, but make sure that he's really okay with it and not just resigned to the fact. It sounds like he's not a bad guy.