Is it what you thought it would be?

[onewhocares]

Over the past several months I have wanted to start a thread like this but believed that perhaps I was but the only one in this situation. Conversation with others from this site gave me insight to the fact that I was not alone in my thoughts….

When my husband and I came upon this site nearly three years ago (where has the time gone ?) we came primarily to find a man for him. I was not ruling out the possibility of me joining…I kept saying that I would sit in the corner and knit or read a book. The sexual aspect of this site was for him. I came looking for understanding of the whole lifestyle, having thought provoking conversations and perhaps answers to questions I might have. I never really had a preconceived notion of what I was to find. In all honesty I thought that I would be shunned as I was not bisexual, but just the spouse.

What I found here was not just a sexual playground atmosphere, but rather a true community, one which embraced me and welcomed me as well as my husband. I remember some of the wonderful conversation I had with people I met in chat…those overnight conversations with Volty remain the cornerstone in my staying here. People whom I met in those first few months remain important to me today. I found that I indeed was not alone…that there were other wives who were here ( I have since found and chatted with straight male spouses of bi women also) and whom we could turn to both support and garner understanding of our mates w ho needed more in their lives…in my husband’s case …a man to be exact.

While I can not say that dealing with this lifestyle has been easy,I have come to wonder if there should not be a little guide on what to expect when you enter into this life style? I remember one of the first people who PM’ed me from my area. It was while chatting with him (a psychology professional) that he made the comment that it is going to be an emotional turmoil for us; that it may bring us closer together or divide and separate us. Now looking back over the past three years, I see that he was oh so very right in his prediction.

I am not sure if many will want to share their emotion journeys publicly, be they both positive and negative, but I do think that we can learn from or find solace in what has happened to others in our situation.

I know in our situation, my husband wants to find a man to build a relationship with…one of communication and then both finding time for each other and not just a sexual relationship. That has been SO hard…finding a man for him who just does not want to have sex and only sex. I on the other hand have had the pleasure of developing friendships, most on line and several in person with people from this site. It has been hard for him to see me and having a man in my life when he does not, even though my friends are friends and not just sex partners. I never ever would have thought way back when that I would be the one who had found another man and he has not.

BelleI


Thank you for reading this ramble……..would you like to share your thoughts and comments on how you have dealt with the emotional strains and stresses or joys and happiness of being in the bisexual lifestyle?

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Sweet Belle, thats what friend and comrads are for, to share and discuss and enlighten each other. :}
You are a very lady and I think the world of you. You know that you can come to me(or one of the many others in this community that you know and trust) anytime, and we will give you straight-forward, honest answers Every time. ;)
Hugz to you my Friend.
Cat:rainbow:
:paw:

[onewhocares]

Thank you Cat...for your nice comments, but what I was trying to do by initiating this thread was to try and get people to comment on their experiances dealing with the emotional stressors of being in a bi relationship...be it two males or two females or any combination there of or a spouse that knows about them. A few folks and I have been speaking and it seems it is not all the glamour and wonderful hookups that people would imagine.

I, like you, are blessed with SO many people that I can turn to with my thoughts and concerns...not everyone is that lucky. So I thought this might be a good place to share if they wanted to.

Belle

[jeancarleo]

Yeah, we all come here to find help and share our thoughts and opinions about every issue and help in a way we can.

I was married for 6 months back in 2003 and after 3 months of marriage I told my wife I had sex with men and that I feel attracted to them. She was shocked when I told her this and she didn't believe me but when we used to go out she was jealous if I looked at men or if they looked at me and I looked back. She would get jealous to the point where got mad. Well She loved me since I was 12 and she was 9. She always had a crush for me and when we got married she thought it was gonna be forever and that our love will grow but it decayed from my side. I didn't feel the love for har at her same level so after I told her about my sexuality she said she accepts me because she loves me but she even told me I could date a guy and have a bf if I wanted to. I didn't agree on that. I was wrong, I guess I realized I was meant to get married to a woman but then that was not right because now I want it the other way. I want to be with a guy in a serious relationship and have a female lover.

So we're all different and unique. I just wanted to share my story. Hope it helped in a way and thanks for sharing your story.

[mindfinding]

Agreed,....

I did not come here to get laid, but to help find answers,...hence my name.

Ya feel a sence of community here.

[void()]

"to find a man to build a relationship with…one of communication and then both finding time for each other and not just a sexual relationship. That has been SO hard…finding a man for him who just does not want to have sex and only sex."

-- Belle


I understand how that is. Seems my wife often 'sits in the corner and knits', too. Grateful to have such a lady. But yes, finding guys interested in more than sex for the sake of sex is difficult.

"All human wisdom is summed up in two works: wait and hope." - Alexandre Dumas

That's also the bit of advice csrkate offered me, wait and hope. I do but at the same time life moves along. And so it fares.

[12voltman59]

I think the reality of relationships--irrespective of the genders of those involved is always somewhat complicated and not all is always easy--but that is life----when it comes to relationships---you have the same issues come up whether a male-female, male-male or female-female or any combinaton thereof--

I am glad that we had our great conversations belle and that they were important to you as they were to me-----

I know you have changed and grown in the time you have been here and I am glad you have met some good friends here too.

[*pan*]

well i'm bisexual and my 2 wives are straight, we have had foursomes in the hopes that i woulld find that certian someone always single guys, with no luck, most just into it for the sex or into the woman more then me, and the girls became disinterested in other men because most coulde'nt perform they way they said they could, it has been extremely hard for me to find someone for more then sex. but i always keep my hopes up and keep trying. seems that everyone i make friends with are too far away. maby i'll get lucky one day. sex is easy to find but relationships are another story. one reason for me is that i refuse to go with, have sex with another guy who is married and his wife dosen't know. to me thats like cheating and i refuse to be a part of that. i live by the harm none rule and that would harm his wife and their relationship. most bi guys i find around here are like that, in denial and in the closet sneaking behind their wives. so that makes it double hard for me to find someone. no it's not a glamorus as one would think.
i believe bisexuals have it harder then gays, as i was speaking with a gay friend of mine he agreed although it's hard for a older gay to find a lover it's twice as hard for a married bisexual to have a relationship because of the spouse not accepting, fear of being discovered by friends, and neighbors, doubts and denial about their sexuality, uncertainty,fear of becomming gay lol ect.... ect.... ect....
so the answer is no it's not what i thought it would be, but thats because i can't seem to find a trueful bi guys with simular interestes i guess.

[Mrs.F]

:rolleyes: Oh my....Why did I not think of this thread, I've thought about this a million times!

Is it what I thought it would be???? HELL NO! I've learned that it's very easy to become full of confusion, full of emotions, full of feelings towards someone else, not my husband. It's very hard on the mind and the heart to try and help your spouse who is bisexual be who he wants to be. The stress can really tear apart a relationship.

I came to this site as Belle did except that I had JUST found out my husband was bi. I didn't have a clue as to what I was dealing with or would deal with and I was scared shitless! I too, like Belle found much more than just a bi site to find hook ups. I found some wonderful people who wanted to help me get through the shock and teach me that having a bi spouse did not mean the end of my marriage. After the first yr. I thought I was doing great, had accepted him, accepted what it was he wanted and was all for him having that "friends w/ benefits". But as one fantasy and desire would come out, another would come out and soon it was not all about him, but about me too. He felt that letting me be with another man would allow me freedom and help in the desires he wanted. What neither of us bargained for was me falling inlove with this other man and he inlove with me. All because I didn't grow up thinking I would marry one man and soon sleep with others. That, in my mind was not what a marriage was or was it, and I just didn't catch that all in the vows!? I gave my husband the freedom and he's taken it and done a few things that he wanted, but to him it's just sex. To ME, it's a whole nother ball game!

So.....is it what I thought it would be???? HELL NO! And now I sit here and don't know what to do, where to go and who to love. I sit here now loving not one but TWO bisexual men and am more confused NOW than I was when I found out my husband was bi 3 yrs. ago.

How do I fix this? I have not a clue. I know it's not easy being bisexual. But it's not easy being married to one either!

Thank you Belle! :)

[onewhocares]

Thank you for the replies to the thread so far. Also, thanks to ALL who have sent me private messages also. Perhaps I have not sufficiently expressed my desire in posting this thread. I guess I wanted us to try and share what may be the unique emotional and psychological complications we may run into sharing our lives with bisexual partners, spouses and friends.

For example, when we first came here after a few months we met a man who was a really nice fellow. Since I was the one who did most of the writing in the beginning, he and I developed a nice bond. ( Even though I was not planning to be part of the intimatcy...hence the knitting comment above) At our first meeting, I remember sitting and having coffee with he and Bill. In talking about his past as we also, I remember him commenting on how he felt being bisexual and desiring a man made him feel dirty and shameful. How he at times hated himself for the way he felt. I recall looking him in the eye and taking hold of his hand and saying that I never ever wanted to hear those words from his lips again. I said that being bisexual was a part of him, part of the man he was and would always be. Those who cared for him that day would not change their feelings if they knew or did not know about these desires. He was so thoughtful in his response saying no one ever felt that way about him.

When the time came for intimacy…I knew that it was important for Bill and Tom to be together alone for the first time. I remember watching as my husband pulled out of the driveway and was headed toward a meeting that he longed for for nearly twenty years. I said to myself…Belle; you may just be watching your solid marriage fall apart. You may have lost Bill. Then I remembered the saying…. If you love them let them fly, give them wings…for they will return to those they love. I ached over if he would return…and yes he did return a more fulfilled man as he had found someone to fill that void in his life but perhaps to put aside all those years of desires that he had placed on the back burner so long ago. It was not to last, but I will be forever changed by the wonderful people we have met on this site. I also realize that we all may be uncomfortable in what we keep within us.

I really do not want this thread to be about me, or hubby and I, but rather am using us as and example hoping it will spur others to share their experiences so that OTHERS can learn from each other and perhaps let them know that they are not alone. I guess I want to give back to others what I have been gracious given. Understanding, advice, compassion, education, a sounding board when I rant and rave…. a smile, a hug, those bells in chat that Allbi likes to ring. I have learned so much from you all. Like Quiet1, I have found someone I really never knew I was searching for…. in my case it was ME.


Belle

[Mrs.F]

I totally understand Belle. I have been the one to start most conversations with men for my husband because he is just NOT a talker and says I am just more natural at it. The first man we met at a restaraunt....both of us nervous as hell, felt like we were back in our twenties dating again except doing it together....just felt odd. We met that guy a couple of times but nothing really became of it and we no longer have heard from him.

The one I will never forget is meeting the gentleman I myself met on here and formed a wonderful friendship with. He got me through alot of tough times and helping me understand my husbands feelings, desires, fantasies. He was a true Godsend to me. After 2 yrs. of talking via phone and yahoo or here he flew up here to meet us. It was this man that I was intimate with...the only since I have met and married my husband 17 yrs. ago. It felt odd to be attracted to another man but at the same time it felt very natural because I knew him so well. It was a true friendship, nothing based on sex because we were so many miles apart. It was then that we had a our first 3some. Was that what I thought I would be....NO! Do I want to do one again....Not really! I'm still a little confused on my feelings towards watching my husband with another man. I guess it's me and in my mind that being intimate should be between 2 people, not 3 or 4. I don't know that I can change that feeling either.

As time has gone on though.....I do wonder if I can handle this lifestyle. I don't think I'm cut out for it like I had hoped I would be for my husbands sake. And there have been times that I have questioned my love for my husband. It's a struggle everyday for me. For the people who do this so easily and have a blast....I envy you. For that is how I wish I could be.

[void()]

Sounds about on for us, too. My wife saying she'll find a man. So far she hasn't really made much effort, though I know she loves and accepts me as is. Of course, I also need to take action and do try. Yet I wind up fumbling things or meeting guys who are straight or otherwise uninterested.

Then I come to this site hoping to find a niche in which to be myself, enjoy the company of like minded, like spirited folk. But that doesn't work out either. I find extroverts tend to fare much better. Introverts like me often get lost behind walls, or scattered to the winds of obscurity.

In short you come here in hopes to find a place to fit but you don't fit, and you get told you're a narcissist and need psychological help or drugs. You can not even ask for help to have fun and enjoy the site. Perhaps then in having fun you'd meet someone. But it's not about one person, and I understand that. Apologies for even bothering.

That frustration keeps me from trying. You try and stumble, ask for help and get told to fuck off basically. So ... not sure I'll be paying much mind to this site or any other bisexual site online. They don't help in some cases. Some of us just need to be bisexual but celibate on one side, which yes does tend to make one a bit 'off kilter'.

[darkeyes]

Belle.. Mrs F. I suppose my story here is a little twist on yours.

I understand entirely what you are saying, not because I have ever had been in a position such as yours but because Kate goes through what you are every day with me. Its not that I have or intend to stray the nest, for I don't, with any woman, and certainly not any man. Kate is simply incapable of accepting my wants when it comes to a need to be with other people sexually. She believes in the old fashioned virtue of a partnership for life, exclusive and true. Once, a few years ago I struggled with this, and didn't cover myself with glory..I didn't actually be unfaithful in the physical sense, but it was enough... it lost me her. She walked away. Its a long story which need not be related but its the story of millions of us. A great deal happened to both of us in the time she was away, not least her getting married and pregnant. That she came home is the most wonderful thing which has ever happened to me apart from possibly meeting her in the first place..

I want to have the kind of relationship with Kate that is open, free and fulfils my need for the sexual experience and the kind of relationships with people I want as a part of my life. I want her to have that too, with man woman or Martian, that doesn't matter. She isn't me however, and it is not within her to play that game and who am I to blame her? My life has been one terrific and enjoyable search for life's little pleasures. In the end, even during my marriage as I grew more and more frustrated living with a man with whom the only things I had in common were our surname and our species, I began once again to play the game. He would never have countenanced it and so it was covert as it had to be. With Kate it is different because we do have so much in common.. love of music, loathing of the dross on telly, love of literature, love of fun and laughter, love for her children and the banter which goes on between us incessantly. I wont mention sex since that is rude..and you know me..I'm never rude..(but she loves that and all.. tee hee)She even likes, though doesn't love football and that can't be bad. We talk all the time about our world, THE world, what we care about and what we need. We are different in many ways and that is good too. She isn't quite so sure about things as I can tend to be, and says so.. and tells me when I am talking bollox. She knows what I want from life, as I know what she wants in hers.. we give and we take from each other, teach and learn. That she is unable to grant me the wish of an open relationship is something I regret, yet is not something I am resentful of.

Maybe some day she will change and/or its possible some day I will see things more in her way. Whether or not that happens isn't important. What is important is that we respect each other's opinions and feelings, and as people. That the love we have remains. I know what I want. I know what she wants from me. That she can't give me my wish, I live with more or less happily, because the alternative doesn't bear thinking about. I lived that alternative once, and it was just too much, for all the fun I had in that time. The hole in my life and my heart was just too great. Most of all I live happily because every morning she is there when I waken up. I continue to flirt mercilessly, and get a bit too close to the knuckle sometimes. Kate knows that and gives me grief in my ear hole sometimes when she thinks my knuckles are bleeding, but thankfully she knows and accepts that I am still me, and enjoyment of life remains, although within certain parameters which she set, limited, but still great, great fun.

Reading this over I am not too sure whether it is entirely appropriate for this thread, but I think does have relevance. I showed this to Kate before posting because the last thing I want is to put pressure on her to allow me to completely run my life without restraint and she gave it the nod even though she is a much more private and circumspect person than me. I'm not the most disciplined individual.. (cept mayb in restraints..tee hee..but that's anotha story) and Kate does curb my worst excesses, and as my beloved and hyper critical mum says.. no bad thing either..

[CuddlyKate]

On first meeting Frances I met a bubbly talkative irrepressible girl who could and does still talk the hind legs of a donkey. Some things never change I am happy to say. She has been called dogmatic, irresponsible, slutty and worse. And she is or can be those things too and more.

She always made it plain to me what she was like. When we first began to have a relationship, I made it clear as it grew more intense my feelings about things. Without dragging up the past indiscretion which almost destroyed us, she has more or less accepted my view of our relationship, and if it is to survive I see no alternative to it being one to one, not one to however many for either of us. Goodness knows I am not a prude, nor very judgemental about others. I have a view of what we, Frances and I should be to each other, and that is exclusive. It is not a comment or rebuke on how anyone else chooses to live their lives.

That Frances accepted the limitation placed upon her when I know it to be so difficult is one reason I feel so deeply toward her together with a tremendous sense of gratitude and some relief too. I am no dragon, and not one for restricting anyone's freedom, except in instances where that freedom of action is restricted voluntarily. We have made a commitment to each other and our children which I take to be absolute. Unlike Frances I am a bisexual woman, still strongly attracted to men but my commitment to her means I have surrendered my right to have a relationship sexually with any man as much as any woman, and because of how I feel about her this I am glad to do and have no qualms that it is the right decision for me.

I believe we are for each other and no one else, and that is how it must be. Other people, Frances included have a different way of thinking. I respect that and accept that people should be allowed to live their lives unhampered by convention save in circumstance such as we have agreed for our lives. The thought of sharing her with another is intolerable to me but that is how I feel, and because of that the way we live is the only way we can live together.

Often I think that my demand of her is a wrong which some day I must right. I feel that I am being selfish and that it all runs my way, and yet the thought of Frances with another is anathema to me and fills me with a dread that leaves me cold. She never puts pressure on me, and never complains yet I know how she feels. Feelings are something which we share and talk about a length very often. If we are to survive as a couple it is something we must never lose.

I find it much more difficult than Frances to expose my feelings to the world and am not convinced I am right to do so now. Exposing my soul to her is one thing to you and others quite a different matter. I live my life as I believe it best to be lived, and best for us as a couple and for our children. Time may yet prove me wrong, but until that day it is how it must be and thankfully it is something the woman I love has accepted.

[Mrs.F]

It does amaze me how we grow up being told how our lives should be and we dream and fantasize how we will marry and have kids and live happily ever after. Oh, how nieve we are when we are younger and only have our parents and grandparents to look upon and see how life is lived. You find your mate that you feel you want to spend the rest of your life with, someone you love so unconditionally and live for a house full of kids and happy times. And then all of a sudden one day..............WHAM, BAM....your life has done a 380, and your lost somewhere on a wrong turn not knowing which way to go and if you do, will it be the right way?!

I have accepted Flounder being bisexual. He is what he is and he should be able to live as a whole man and a happy fulfilled man. But, I cannot change my views on how MY life should be. I need the full attention of the love in my life and right now I have two of those. And I'm still at a loss as how I even did that. How did I let this happen? I don't even know if what I'm saying here makes any sense...I'm so confused and lost that I babble uncontrolably. Flounder can be with many people and just that...BE with many people and he doesn't have to attach feelings, emotions or LOVE. It's just a good time to him. Add me to the picture and nobody is touching me at all unless I care about you, and love you. This lifestyle doesn't work for me. Flounder and I are way different when it comes to all this "friends w/benefits" and 3somes and swinging. It's just not me.

I have accepted Flounder and his need for this but I don't think he understands that I cannot continue this with him. And because I have been so confused...our communication has somewhat haulted and if we lose that, we will lose each other.

No, none of this is what I thought it would be!!!

[BreeIsMe]

I, like Belle, am amazed by this site. I came here looking for something.... I wasn't even sure.... in fact, my previous name included the part "searching" I thought I might simply be bisexual but when I opened up to some of the members of this site (which I did only after finding out how truly caring they are.... Belle, you being one of them) I finally found myself. This has made such a difference in my life. I am now calm and clear-headed about myself. This is not to say that life is a rose....anything but. There is so much turmoil now but I find myself coming back here when I need support, advice and just a chat with a nice person (male or female). It's like coming "home" I hope everyone stays here, despite the recent insurgence of troubling personalities. I also hope that Drew will continue to support us and even improve the site. I have some so far with the help of people from this site (both online and in person) that I would hate to face the future without you.....


Bree

:grouphug::grouphug:

[vittoria]

I found friends.

Comraderie.

A kewl bf.

Eat yer heart out eHarmony and Match.com!

And a happy happy BOOYAH to True.com too :tong:

[kitten]

Another twist with my story...
I am bi and hubby is straight. He is the one that wanted an open relationship for both of us. Through those experiences many years ago, I confirmed being bi and had to learn all about myself while trying to understand what hubby wanted to gain with having an open relationship. I identify with the ideals that are set up for us as children and that when it wasn't that way...there was (and still is)a sense of loss and confusion.
Interestingly enough, he wanted to have relationships with other women, with other couples and he encouraged my search for other partners but he wanted to share those, too.
I finally realized that this was all about him and fulfilling his needs not our needs. We worked through it and have maintained a good marriage with two lovely daughters. As they grow and are reaching an age of sexual curiousity and maturity, the questions are hard. The guidance we give as parents is so important. The trust we have with each other and how we show our love and appreciation is watched every minute.
Once the children are independent and on their own. I have some serious thinking to do. Some hurt feelings to resolve from many years ago because he is the one that wanted more and different and yet keep me as his partner.

Thanks Belle for a great thread.

[texasman6172003]

Well this site has been a blessing to me. Ive made many friends here. Really have more friends here,than in my life here in my hometown..That has been the best thing about this site. As Vitt said,the Comaradarie. The only thing that would make my life a complete Utopia,is if i could tell my Wife about myself,and she would accept it.But alas that's another story as many of you know.. But i myself love this site,and the people it has on it....

[brighteyes73]

I came here looking for articles or forums to help me a new faze of my life. I just found out last night that my boyfriend of 4 years is bi-sexual. I confronted him and I know that if I hadn't he never would have told me. We met on an adult website and have had I thought an open relationship (we have had MFF and couple swaps, etc.) so I consider myself bi and very open to anything. I am still scared and confused though. It is a comfort to read some of the posts here - I love my man and do not want to lose what I thought was an open and beautiful relationship. Why did it have to happen this way and where do we go from here? Any words of advice or comfort will be greatly appreciated!