Seeking Advice on How to Support a Friend

[Remetan]

Hey everybody.

Last night my best friend told me that she is going to go into the convent. She's an ex-catholic, thought about going into the convent once before, when she realized she was gay and was scared to come out to her family. That has been almost fifteen years ago, so when she told me that last night, she scared me, and I told her I would talk to her about it today, because we had been drinking.

I spoke to her today, and she finally told me that she wants to transition to being a male, but is too scared to tell her family. She thinks that she can never do it. So she said she thinks that if she goes into the convent and becomes a nun she will stop thinking those things.

I told her that I felt that was the wrong decision for her. That she needs to talk to someone who has done it. That she should find a support group. That she should try going out in public as a man where no one knows her.

But mostly, I told her that I love her, that I would support her in any decision she makes, but that the decision I would support the most is the one that would make her feel most herself. The one that would make her the happiest.

Then she told me to stop crying because I was going to make her cry.

My question is, where do I go from here? She has never told anyone. She has never even said it out loud. She didn't when she was on the phone with me, and I just assumed it and she didn't deny it and then we talked about it.

I finally told her that she needed to at least allow herself to think that it might some day be possible, to at least give herself that little thought.

What can I do for her? How can I support her? How can I help her? I know that now that we have talked about it she is going to have some serious emotional backlash, as she has never told anyone. So...

Any advice would be great, any personal stories or insight, anything you guys can tell me would be so appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

~Remetan

[MarieDelta]

First make sure she knows that you dont think s/he is weird or strange.

You might give them some space to experiment with cross presenting, if you can, if they need it.

This person needs to talk to some FtM's, drag kings, and some other gender non-conforming folks. Let them figure out what works best for them, it cant be for you or anyone else to decide.

In addition, if they can possibly aford it, a gender counsellor.

Go here ( http://epud.net/~bears/resources.html#Counselors ) for a list of counsellors in the Portland, OR area.

Please feel free to send me a note or contact me via PM.

Marie

[Stargazer1417]

I think you are right in emphasizing that you love her and will support her no matter what, because ultimately it is her choice. Doing anything other than loving and being there for her would probably just push her away, and cost her a friend with whom she felt comfortable being honest.

Based only on this little clip of the situation, I agree with you that joining a convent is not the way to go. No matter what she does, the feelings she has will most likely not go away, and instead, she may just feel frustrated, confined, repressed, etc., at being unable to express the person inside of her.

It is terrible that she feels so unable to speak of these feelings to anyone, particularly her own family. The very best thing in the world that you can do is be there for her, be her friend, and encourage her to just be who she is inside. I'm sure she is feeling a little lonely and isolated, because she can't share this side of herself with her family or anyone else. I know she has never discussed this with anyone, but since it is out there between the two of you, I think you should just go ahead and openly engage her in a dialog about it. It may be refreshing for her to talk so plainly about something she is otherwise attempting to hide or remove from herself. Maybe that would allow her to vent some of the concerns she has about being completely open, and perhaps even show her that her true, desired path is not so completely out of reach.

For what its worth, I think you've handled it well so far, and are in the right direction.

[DiamondDog]

You did an excellent job.

Tell her to talk to transsexual people (FTM/transmen) as well as seeing a therapist that has worked with transsexual people in the past.

I'm not saying that your friend isn't transsexual; but she should make sure that she really is trans with therapy before she goes the whole 9 yards with taking testosterone, getting top/possibly bottom surgery, identifying as a male/transguy, and there are people who do go the full way with hormones/surgery and then they discover that they're not transsexual at all, or that they are transsexual but don't want any of the hormones/surgery/change in personal gender identity at all.

Some people do take the hormones on their own or get the surgeries done by doctors/surgeons who will do it in certain countries to anyone who has the desire and cash.

Years ago a friend of mine told me while very drunk, that he wanted to transition and have the full SRS to become a woman.

He went through therapy (for other issues that don't relate to his sexuality/gender) and he discovered that while he's VERY femme/androgynous, he's not a transwoman/transsexual at all, and he doesn't want to alter his body with hormones/surgery at all, and he'd rather just sometimes do heavy femme drag, and be a femme/androgenous bio male the rest of the time.

[12voltman59]

Remetan--I don't know much at all on the subject of a person taking steps to changing their gender----so I won't comment on that--but I do know something about the going into a convent, monastery or similar sorts of things like that--from time to time I take a few days and go stay at a Catholic monastery in western Kentucky that was one of the first ones to be established in America.

To go into such a life because of her feelings about her gender and such is the wrong reason to make such a committment as that and to be honest--if she tried to join for that reason--there is a very good chance the sisters of that order would find this out during the process of her making that transisition and reject her on that basis alone--this is not something an individual should undertake lightly and the respective orders of sisters and brothers who operate these places do not take lightly either----when one is going to consider doing something like this--one has to be totally dedicated to whatever reason one wants to undertake such a life--and once done--is not something readily undone either.

Just my :2cents: on that part of what you talked about.

Information on the monastery I periodically visit:

http://www.monks.org/aloneingod.html

[raistkit]

i think everyone else who has posted before me has given excellent advice. i am in your friend's shoes, the best thing you can do is just be there for her. to hold her hand, or just to listen. let her know that you will be there for her no matter what her decision is. i got lucky, and found my best friend, by accident. without his support don't know where i would be right now. all my friend did was listen, and hold my hand, and let me know he would always be in my corner. sometimes that's the best you can do, and trust me knowing someone is there for you makes all the difference in the world.

kit

[MarieDelta]

I too thought about joining the monastery/monastic order in order to get away from my problems>

Instead I did something worse, I got married. At the time the thoughts/ feelings /urges were easy to manage. Over time they became almost uncontrollable / unbearable. It broke her heart and mine.

These feelings will not go away, if s/he is TS they will only increase over time. Transfolk have been known to do some pretty desperate things to transition. But bear in mind too, that the only thing transition cures is gender identity disorder.

It wont:

Make your bills disapear.
Make the person you love , return your affection
Cure anything else

Here is a link to NWGA - Northwest Gender Alliance (http://www.nwgapdx.com/index.php)

All the best,

Marie

[MarieDelta]

There is also FTM International (http://www.ftmi.org/)

Which might be able to give them someplace online, that they can check without "outing" themselves.

~M

[Lorcan]

Joining a convent will NOT make her stop thinking about it. Just like marrying does not make you heterosexual. I agree with all the posts.

We used to have a FTM support group around here. See if there's anything like that where you live. At the very least, you know of some people online who are like that....let her talk to them. You have my email.