My boyfriend is bi!

[biboyfriend?]

Hello everyone, I need advice! FAST! I'm a straight woman with a situation, Im trying to keep an open mind. I just came to the realization that my boyfriend is trying to tell me he is bi. He didnt say it straight out but the story he told me indicates that he wants me to know without losing me.
Story...
He went to hang out with one of his guy friends the other day (we'll call him D-man) and was four hours late to pick me up. I asked him what happen and why are you so late. He said D-man wanted him to hang out longer. I asked, why didnt you just tell D-man that you had a date with me.
He said, D-man would be so jelous cause he's gay and he likes me. I said, doesnt he know your not gay, havent you told him about us yet. He said, he finally told D-man about us after D-man tried to kiss him and that D-man got mad and threaten to call me and tell me everything.
I said "what is everything" He said, D-man asked him to have an orgie with him and another guy. My boyfriend agreed and told me that was the last time he would do that with his "guy friends" cause he only wants to be with me and be commited to only me.
I didnt know what to say, I was calm and tried to be understanding. I told him I need some time to think about what I just heard. I said to him that I love him and dont wanna lose him but I really dont know how to react to this situation. I told him, not only did you cheat on me, but you cheated on me with 2 men! :eek: He took it all back and said he was joking and that it was a test to see how much I loved him. He said he was fucked up cause he drank alot. (why would a straight man tell a story like that to try to test my love? He's bi!)
I didnt leave and we made love that night. But I am still confussed and Im pissed off at him for cheating on me. (if he loves me why would he cheat on me) Did he need a last orgie session with his boyfreinds or is cheating, cheating?
Can I trust that he really wants a m/f relationship with only me! Can I have a realationship with a bisexual man.?Signed,
a confused girlfriend :(
(We are crazy in Love and I dont wanna lose him either. He says he's never felt these feeling with anyone else. Im his first true love and he wants to marry me. I said yes. But Im scared now because I dont know how to react to his bisexualality.)

[TrimBeardHairyBod]

You're trying to keep an open mind about this which is great. It's the easiest thing in the world to believe what you want to believe. We all do it to some extent.

I would however advice you to bear in mind the old saying, 'Actions speak louder than words.'

It looks very much as if your boyfriend is bi. Between the black and white of gay and straight are a million shades of grey. What I'd say you both have to determine now is to what extent he's bi. It might be that he only goes with men for the sake of a cheap thrill. If that's the case, you may be able to accept his nature in time. Repeated encounters with the same guy may however indicate some sort of emotional involvement in which case, you would have to reassess your relationship with him.

There are no instant answers but I hope I have managed to the suggest a way forward. Good luck!

[biboyfriend?]

thanks for the reply.
I think my boyfriend does have and emotional attatchment with at least 2 of his friends. He told me that he was not going to be with them anymore.
Before he came out with his story, I met one friend and he was really weary of me. He wasnt rude but just asked me alot of questions. He and my boyfriend went somewhere for 20 min. when they got back my boyfriend didnt wanna hang out anymore with him. when me and my boyfreind left I asked him what was wrong and he said he was getting jelous cause me and his friend were talking and laughing alot.
Can it be possible for my bisexual boyfriend to break it off with these 2 friends for good to be with me?
He said he has. he even discontinued his phone.
Is it possible for a bisexual man to fall totally in love with a woman and be faithful and not lead a secret second life with his friends, just cause I want him to be faithful?
Still confused,
The girlfriend

[biboyfriend?]

I posted the tread about how my boyfriend cheated on me and is trying to tell me he is bi. More replies would help me!
So my boyfriend has a couple of bi or gay boyfriends that he has been with sexually. He's known them for 2-3 years.
He said he has fallen totally in love with me (a straight woman) and want to marry me!
Can I trust that he won't live a secret life. And that he really has stopped his realationships with his friends?
I love him and want to marry him. But I need more advice to get a better idea of what I want and what he wants!
Thanks
confused girlfriend

[Brian]

Hi biboyfriend?

I have merged the above post into your old thread since they are very similar in topic - to keep the boards as smooth flowing and easy to read as possible.

- Drew :paw:

[yngstud99]

I can tell you how I feel. I'm married and Bi. My wife has a very hard time dealing with it, even though she knew it b4 we got married.

I try to suppress my feelings, but it is very difficult. I do love her very much, and my sexuality has nothing to do with it.

My suggestion to you is to do what I wish my wife would - embrace your boyfriend and his sexuality. The best way to support him is to participate, and he will love you even more. If you go in willing I firmly believe you will discover a whole new and fullfilling sexual relationship.

If that does not happen, then tell him. But give it a true and open opportunity. Let yourself go.

If you can't handle it, better to find out now.

[jo69guy]

I told my ex-wife before we married, and she was fine with it then, but later resented it. I applaud you for being open minded enough to stay with the relationship. I wish you both the best of luck! :flag4:

[thedarknight72]

I am a Married Bi Male. Yes my wife knows all about it... She actually helped me come to terms with it. She too is bi. I love my wife completely and totally but I do love the company of another male as well as another female.

[biboyfriend?]

Thanks so much to everyone for your replies!
Okay this is the situation now! I am trying to passavley talk to him about this situation and I asked him when he was going to see D-man again. He said he see's him every week. Cause he's just a buddy. Well I asked him if I could meet him cause I feel uncompfortable with him having such a secretive relationship with d-man. He still refused to let me talk to him or meet him.
So I told him. Its okay to have your friends but with this one friend (d-man) I feel jelous and I feel like he is having an affair. (even if he's not gay or bi) So I asked if he told D-man about us yet and how deep our relaitionship is. he says he knows about me. And my boyfriend says I have nothing to worry about cause he's not gay or bi! I kinda gave him an ultamatume at that point. I said either I meet d-man or He needs to make a choice. Its gotta be me or D-man. Unless he lets me meet him. Im hoping that if he starts to realize that I know he is bisexual and that Im okay with it that he'll let me in! But I cant deal with him having another relationship that he obviously doesnt want to give up. I said he cant have his cake and eat it to. He cant have the best of both worlds. I expect someone who has confessed there love for me to be faithful and commited to me!
I want him to know that I am open to releasing our sexual needs once in a while but only if its together. I have explored my sexuality and I have been with m/f/f and it was great. but I prefer a male female relationship. But seeing my boyfriend fully enjoy a sexual experience of his choice would also make me hot! (once in a while) its the secretave life and cheating I cant handle.
How can I tell him its okay to open up to me?
I also know he would get very jelous if I said I wanted to have a 3some with him. So he has got to let me in first!
Your replies are really helping me. I just need to know how to approach him with this issue again without him repressing!
Thanks,
the open minded girlfriend! :) :cool:

[hudson9]

Girl, just tell him exactly what you just told all of us. You are both going to have to be completely honest, with each other and with yourselves. He may be wrestling with the idea of wether he can give up male partners and be faithful only to you -- it may be scary and he may be trying to convince himself that he's not "really" bi. He's got to understand that you 2 have to deal with this together. If you 2 love each other, you have everything to gain -- and everything to loose(!) if you don't deal with it together.

Good Luck!

[24play]

I totally agree with hudson 9 - he will never know exactly how openminded you really are, if you don't tell him.
Better even still, try to find a way to SHOW him. My hubby thought I'm just saying things to keep him from not dating me in the beginning. But the minute we had some sexy fun with another girl, he realised I was truly openminded.

The thing is, he has to realise that he is bi - and come to terms with it. :)

[Starshine]

Ok so at least you are trying to stay open minded. Is it possible for a str8 person and a bi person to have a good and true relationship? Absolutly!! It just takes time and work. My husband is str8 and I am bi the first "rule" we have is honesty,the second is PROTECTION, I see no reason the two of you can't work through this if he is willing to be honest and you are willing to have acceptance he is still the same man you fell in love with it has just now come to a point where that love has enabled him to open up a very personal part of himself to you. I will admit I don't agree with his method of telling you but I am not him. I think I can safely speak when I say it is very scary at times to tell a str8 spouse/lover that you are bi especially if it is someone you want to keep around. for me I was honest before the first date so that made it a little easier but the decision to tell a signifigant other is very personal and varies from person to person. the other side is if you really do love him and want to be with him you can't ask him to change he will always be bi wether he has a same sex lover or not but he also must be HONEST and use protection with any "playmate" to protect both of you I don't know if this helps or not but if you have any other questions don't be afraid to ask . :female: :2cents:

[phoebe]

Geez. This seems to be a really sensitive time for your relationship. Out of the immediacy and confusion of the issues (the unknowns, the marriage promise, the lack of open communication etc.) can emerge a desparation from the fear of loss.

It seems like there is so much charged emotion going on that it might force the situation into a highly-charged climax with both of you coming out of it spent and drained. and perhaps only slightly closer to a result. (or potentially further away from one another!)

If fear drives your actions then you will not be the best you can for yourself and your boyfriend. Its times like these that we are able to learn the most about ourselves. Its really great that you have already been open with yourself enough to have explored your sexuality, but like another member mentioned, sexuallity is different for everyone. With this is in mind, you are potentially equipt to be an understanding FRIEND (most important to the basis of your relationship right?) to him, but its important to remember that your realizations about your sexuality may be very different than his own. Unlike you he may feel in the long run that he really DOES need the companionship of a male love(r) as well. So it is vital to truly listen to him without assumption and perhaps (if you can) without thinking the entire time about what it means about YOU. It will take time and patience. Its important to keep your head clear and take some time for yourself.

Allowing yourself the space to consider what it is that you ultimately want and need in a relationship is crucial to your happiness. (and sticking by it! not always an easy thing) It is also possible that you may be avoiding this due to the fear of loosing him??? (after recognizing your needs apart from him- you can perhaps more clearly state things to him, like "I need total honesty from my partner and I will give total honesty." etc.) Let him sit on what you have told him.
Thankfully you are flexible and intelligent enough to consider alternate realities of your future and your identity which may be different from what you have been envisioning up until now.

I wish you the best luck as it seems that this is a major turning point in your life, regardless of the result.

I am sure you will emerge a wiser and stronger person.

Be strong and loving!

-Phoebe

[leizy]

Good luck - this isn't easy. I'm bi, married, and my wife knows - like others here, she helped me to accept my sexuality. HOWEVER, I'm not having sex with men, and we are working hard to be monogamous. Not easy. I'm working to find ways to accept my bisexuality, express it and explore it, w/out having sex with men.

Is it possible for a bisexual to be monogamous? Sure. Just as possible as it is for a heterosexual to be monogamous (and remember the divorce rate is 50%, and rates of infidelity are way high as well). Is the monogamy/nonmonogamy question more complicated for bisexuals? Definitely. Even if I give up dark chocolate, and only eat white chocolate, it doesn't mean I don't still get a craving for dark chocolate. It also doesn't mean that white chocolate means any less to me, or is deficient in some way. The two things are just different.

And isn't the saying "you can't have your cake and eat it too?" the absolutely most popular thing every bisexual has ever been told? WHY? Why have a cake and not eat it?

david

[emmauk]

"I'm working to find ways to accept my bisexuality, express it and explore it, w/out having sex with men."

Wow. I can't tell you how reassuring this and related threads are to me. My partner and I are working to understand what his being (actively) bisexual means to our relationship, and the words above could have come from his mouth, so I now know I'm not on my own. One of the things I find hardest is understanding what it means for me. It's selfish, but part of coming to terms with a partner's need to explore same-sex relationships outside of our relationship is feeling alone and that no-one understands. For example, the thought of sharing the truth of my relationship with friends or family terrifies me, because I know their instant reaction will be to tell me to get the hell out of there as fast as possible. (This has happened before and I lost what I thought was a really good friend over it: it was the only way to stop her trying to fix me up with straight guys.)

From my experience (so far) I would back up what everyone here has said as honesty being the most important thing for a couple attempting to make this work. If your partner has cheated on you, okay, you can understand that perhaps he was afraid to tell you how he felt, but I'd say he has to accept that now his feelings and intentions are out in the open you've entered a new phase in relationship. Whatever the nature of relationship, whether bi/bi, bi/str8 etc. you have to be able to trust your partner and feel nourished by your relationship with them. And that means compromise and understanding on all sides. When this all started for us there was a tendency for my partner to think that his was the most challenging situation (he's coming out as bi, his is the struggle, I need to accept/understand, etc.) but as time has gone on I've helped him to see that I need some of this acceptance and understanding too. If you biboyfriend? are willing to give a little, don't be afraid to ask for a little in return. You're not being unreasonable. Just be strong, fluid, openminded, get to know and understand yourself a bit better so you can communicate this to your partner and see where you end up.
Emma

[swyve]

First and foremost, you need to sit down and have an open, honest conversation with your boyfriend about the expectations of your relationship. Is it an open relationship? Try to be as open as possible about your sexuality and experiences. Are you able to seperate love and sex? Based on your post I would assume that your boyfriend is bi. There is nothing wrong with that at all. But he does need to be honest with you. Do you want to continue your relationship with him if he is indeed bi? How will you react when he has another encounter with his friends? Do you wish to incorporate his sexuality into your relationship? There are so many variables, but first thing first. Sit down and be open and honest with each other about what you expect from each other, both sexually and relationship wise.

[hupamone]

Well, it looks like a few of us str8 ladies are in the same boat, out on the high seas with bi boyfriends. I'm still trying to accept/understand what his being bi means for our relationship in the long term. What is really ironic to me is that I am able to accept he is bi, but he seems to have a really hard time accepting I am str8. He says I'm "bi-curious" when the truth is I have no interest in other women (sorry, don't want to offend anyone!).
Can you trust your bi boyfriend? Nobody can answer that question for you. You have to answer that one on your own. I'm having to answer that question myself. For me, I think I can trust him. Does that mean I don't have a few insecurities? Oh you can bet I do! I think for me, the hardest thing is this bizarre jealousy that I feel. I'm not jealous of anyone in particular, but the thing is when we walk into a place, I sometimes wonder who he is attracted to --- another guy? another woman? Both! But I will be quick to state when we go to a bar or something, he is very attentive towards me.
As for sharing a m/m/f experience with your guy, I can't say that will improve the relationship but at the same time, I won't say it'd hurt either. I guess it would depend on how your guy would feel about it. The BIG thing to me is that he be honest with you and if he's having sex with someone else, then YOU need to be aware of it. Protect yourself! There are too many diseases out there and not all are curable! You might tell him that if he wants to have a m/m/f encounter with you being the female involved, he might think that'd be OK because it'd kind of let him have his cake and eat it too. My boyfriend's approach is that he's not having a relationship with anyone else unless I am there. We "share." That is still a new concept to me, but gotta admit it is definitely interesting.
If you have doubts about your relationship, then this is my advice, take it for what it's worth. :2cents: If you have doubts now about whether or not you can trust him, then don't get married. Those doubts will likely only grow over time. That's just the way it is. Either you trust someone or you don't. Obviously he lacks the courage to admit to his own sexuality and he has been willing to cheat on you in the past. Do you really trust he won't cheat in the future? Can you live your life with the doubts and questions? If you can, then great! If not, then think twice, three times, 40 times before getting married. It's easy to enter into a marriage and painful to exit from one.
Don't let yourself be forced into situations/relationships that you are comfortable with. Whether your future includes him or not, there is ONE certain thing, you DO have to live with yourself and your own actions. Try not to do anything you'll truly regret.
I wish you the best of luck. May your future be a happy one, either with or without your bi boyfriend. :)

[bifocalx]

Hi BiBoyFriend,

I'm an old fart that has been through this situation. I'm in agreement with hupamone, get it squared away immediately ... or ... pass. No doubt about it ... it's not easy to walk away from a relationship, but neither is it easy to live with one where there's jealousy.

Bi men and women will create severe jealousies, if you're not entirely comfortable bisexuality. Try to remember this relationship as a pleasant man with a taste that you simply could not come to grips with.

IMHO ... bisexuals are much happier with other bisexuals where both partners understand the role that sex plays in their lives. Only a bisexual will understand a bisexual and be comfortable with it ... a gay or hetero partner simply can not comprehend the inevitable hurt feelings and feelings of inadequacy.

:2cents:

LT

[dash2us]

the hardest thing to do is let your wife know your bi,and since you came across as not bien able to accept him,he could think it is a set up to get him to admit it out right since your reaction already got him scared you were gonna walk,rent some bi porno acidently of course leave it where he can see it,or confess your experinces to him,once he opens up to your side of things just let him know point blank you want to join n think it is hot,,he needs the reasurance it isn;t a set up for you to get grounds to walk,,

[sailin]

Bi or not bi, cheating is cheating. Four hours late, cheating, lies, shows a heart breaking pattern that probably will continue. A relationship with a person you can't trust is hell....Pure hell!

[evilpanda]

just remember this about being an LGBT:

coming out is not the end, it is the beginning of the LGBT experience. people in your position think that when a gay person comes out and openly admits it, that everything is fine now and that person should shut up and let life get back to normal. but it doesn't work that way. that would be like putting a genie back in its bottle.

i was not with my last girlfriend when i came out, but, if i had been, we would have had problems because, even though she knew i was bi when we were dating, i kept it on the down low back then. now that i am very open and pretty political about it, she gets annoyed with me very easily.

just bear in mind that being bi is about more than wanting to fuck guys. being an LGBT has a trickle down effect into all facets of your personality and social interactions. for the unprepared in a relationship with one, this can lead to a lot of unexpected complications. it takes a lot of patience to hold hands with a queer person through what is a more difficult transition than it needs to be.

[Neutrality]

I would be curious to know where "My boyfriend is bi!" -- is now standing some five years later - in her life and life choices. My boyfriend is bi. I have been w/him for several years now - not always easy because of the journey through getting to know someone and getting to know onesSelf - a journey that never ends. There is always the issues of honesty and trust......and sometimes they are diffucult to receive and convery because we do not yet know ourselves what we are thinking and feeling about something. I have recently had a sexual interlude w/my boyfriend and a guy that he has become deeply attracted to. Once before we had a one night encounter that came about by surprise. This was different. I consider myself Str8 and it is interesting to observe myself in relation to this. I have come to feel that somehow.....many of us are being asked to go beyond our fears....to open our hearts further and expand all our ideas about the capacity of the heart to love -not only unconditionally - but to include the possibility of what it is like to love more than one person simultaneously. I know that in the past this was very frightening thought for me.

I feel strongly that it does require a few things. 1st......Honesty/Openness - on all fronts - to oneself as well as to the others. 2nd.....Trust (Absolutely) - this means letting go of control. 3rd......Allowing....the person to be who they need to be instead of the hidden manipulations that we have learned in family and society. 4th......Unconditional Love....means you don't try to change them (goes w Allowing)...........(and although there are many more considerations) - the 5th and last I will share is the one that is my favorite - because this was an idea I read somewhere and it freed me up immensely........they called it "Relationships by Choice" versus Fear based Monogamy.......Monogamy, Polygamy, Poly-Fidelity are all by "conscious" choice (sounds simple)......... It is....it means whatever you choose -- you choose it for Self - and Entirely for YOU.....and ONLY for you.......it is not a requirement that your partner must choose the same thing....And we can still Love. :three:

[wifeluvesmebi]

Hi thanks for asking out and I want to add my 2 cents. first off you are a strong and courageous woman for asking out and not overeacting. I commend you. I am bi. My wife knows and has since we were dating. I haven' been with other men without her knowledge since we met. and won't.

But hold off on the marraige. No rush for either of you. Talk things out. work it all out and THEN get married if you still think you should. There is plenty of time.

Being bi doesn't make him a bad person and shouldn't neccesarily be a "deal-breaker" talk it through. Encourage him to be as totally as honest as he can. If he can and if you can live with his bisexuality and even embrace it. Then you guys can have something really, really special for years to come. He is what he is. he won't change but will only mask it if you aren't understanding about it which will lead to problems down the road and that will only lead to disaster and eventully a split. Being bi is not a bad thing and could open up a lot of fun, exciting dooors for your relationship. But talking about it is key. The communication is SO important, even if he is reluctant or you are at first. Be open minded when you do and then go from there. Good luck. It could be a really, really good thing for you both.

[Branbran78]

I know this is from a very long time ago , but if you see this I was wondering how you and your wife are getting along now? Is she more secure in your marriage ? I am asking this because the man I love is also bisexual and I am totally understanding and supportive of his sexuality and wouldn't change him for anything in the world :) and I hope your wife is doing the same !

[Cinnamon2013]

I know this is from a very long time ago , but if you see this I was wondering how you and your wife are getting along now? Is she more secure in your marriage ? I am asking this because the man I love is also bisexual and I am totally understanding and supportive of his sexuality and wouldn't change him for anything in the world :) and I hope your wife is doing the same !

Since Branbran seems to have been the most recent poster, I will direct my question to you in the hopes that you can help me understand all of this. My newly ex boyfriend is bisexual. We are still living together until the end of the month. And the reason for our breakup is the fact that he would continue to lie and cheat. He would promise not to go online trolling craigslist and others for "guy fun", and would inevitably end up back online again. His bisexuality doesn't bother me, it's the lying and the cheating. He would even lie about things that were of no consequence to our relationship. Do I think he still loves me? Yes. Do I still love him? Yes. Has he been the one to always bring up matters of marriage and the future for us? Yes. Even though we have split up, we are still very close, and he has asked me if there was any possibility for us to be together in the future. My response to that was, "you have to change". And by change I don't mean sexual preference, I mean no more lies, no more cheating. If the relationship is one of him and I, there shouldn't be instances of going outside of the relationship. Am I naive to think this way? I have been reading a lot, and most things I've read lead me to believe that if someone is bisexual, then they can't be monogamous. Somehow I find that had to believe. And using bisexuality as a reason to cheat, I find that hard to swallow.

So my question to you is, how do you do it? How do you stay married to someone that you know is having sex with others? I've been trying to wrap my head around all of this for the past year, and I keep coming back to the fact that having sex with others, even if your partner knows about it, is still wrong. I hope you can help me.

[BiRobb]

I found this post very arousing... even though I know it was not meant to be. That being said what your boyfriend did was wrong, but I don't think he did it deceitfully. He obviously wants you to know and not only approve but be involved with him and other men. I would think if you had sex that same night you are turned on by what he did or else how could you get aroused that quickly after he "cheated" on you. And while this is just my opinion I think if you are turned on by this type of thing you should tell him. However, the first thing you should establish is that if he ever does anything like that again without your knowledge and consent it's over and then let him know how you feel if that is actually what you desire.

If not I would end it asap because he is obviously not gonna stay true to you if his lust out weights his ability for fidelity. And moreover what about condoms do you know if he used them because if he's not admitting that it really happened then you can't even talk about the experience to find out if he played it safe. I'm not saying I think he was that irresponsible, but a lot can happen when lust takes over and you need to know these things. You should probably ask him what happened be positive about it so he will feel comfortable and honest about what happened not to deceive him into thinking you are going to be OK with it but just so you can know what happened for your own sake. If he thinks your reaction might be negative he might lie again in order to avoid admitting any wrong doing.

Once you know the truth search your heart and if you are aroused by it then you might be in for wonderful and erotic experiences as a couple. If not move on and find a man bi or straight that is responsible enough to put you ahead of himself.