Coming out

[The Barefoot Contess]

I really don't know where to start. Let's see. I have always identified myself as (mostly) heterosexual. In discussions with friends and stuff I have always admitted being attracted to members of my same sex as well of members of the opposite sex, but I have never explicitly said I am bisexual. I think if you were to ask my friends, they would probably say I am heterosexual who would enjoy to explore bisexuality.
Some history now. My first sexual experiences / explorations were homosexual, all of them in my early teens. Since them, I have never had homosexual experiences, but, as I said, I have never denied that I feel attracted to people of my same sex. That is something only close friends know, since it is not something I speak about out loud, but if anyone were to ask me (which I doubt, because I "look very straight", if there is such a thing), I would probably tell the truth.
Now what I am wondering is: I have recently noticed a "shift" in my "preferences". I used to think I was mostly heterosexual but open to bisexuality, sort of "I like men, but I would try women", whereas now I would say "I like men as well as women". It is obvious that right now I am having some trouble defining myself to myself and to others. In other words, being categorized as "open-minded heterosexual" is still a very comfortable position, whereas being "bisexual" is a different story.
I am fortunate because I have wonderful friends, some of them gay, some of them bi, some of them straight, who would understand my doubts and fears perfectly and would be a great support, but I don't think that my family (with the exception of my brother and his girlfriend) would give me the support I need. At best, they would ignore the issue. As far as work is concerned, I am sure no one would come up front and ask me anyway, and I don't really care much for them anyway.
I don't really know what I am looking for with this post. Perhaps some advice on how to/if I should talk to my friends about this or seek counseling to help understand and resolve my own public insecurities. I guess another way of posing my fear is: do I "have to" come out? I know people will say that I should not be "forced" to come out, and that if I do come out, I will have to be ready and not under pressure. Maybe it is me that puts the pressure, I don't know...
Ok, sorry for the messy post. I am a little bit confused.

[LoveLion]

This must be a confusing time for you. ITs never easy when your preferences shift, and coming out is probably the hardest issue for any bi/gay.

Id like to address your question "do I have to come out?" The awnser is no. The way I see coming out is that people do it for 2 reasons.

The first is to prepare loved ones for your new lifestyle. If you are planning on beginning to live the bi lifestyle or having a serious male partner in the near future, coming out is a way of preparing those close to you for the change. Its almost like shock protection for them. If you were to just suddenly bring a man home for dinner, it would be quite a shock to your family right? Coming out is a way to buffer that and keep the shock in a controlled environment that will hopefully lead to better understanding and acceptance from loved ones. So you need to ask yourself a question now: Are you ready to/ are you going to start living the bi/gay lifestyle more? Fi your not going to yet and arnt ready for it then there is no real reason to come out.

The other reason people come out (as I see it) is for self-definition and self acceptance. Alot of gay/bis see coming out as the ultimate step, almost like the end of the journey of your sexual self. Once you come out, youve reached some kind of solid pinacle of truth. The fact is that this isnt really true. But sill most gay/bis dont come out until they have (or at east beleive they have) a fairly decent grasp on their sexual orientation. By the sounds of things your not quite there yet. It would be unwise to come out to everyone as something your not even entirely sure you are yourslef yet, right? Give it some time, do some more self exploration, find yourself a little more, theres no rush to come out.

So I guess my best advice is open up to your friends first. They sound like a diverse and open minded bunch who could help you along the way. Talk to them about how you feel, ask them about how they felt when going through the same kinda thing, and ask them how they came out and how they felt about it. As for people like your co-workers, while theres no real need or reason to hide your sexual orientation from them, nor is there any reason to express it more then normal to them. It shouldnt really affect your work environment, and its not like they have a big part in your social/romantic life.

I know to well the desire to open up and come out, and the frustration that comes with being in the closet, but in the end its better to wait until you are good and ready, then to jump the gun and possibly regret making a misjudgment about yourself.

[shameless agitator]

I would agree that the place to start is with the people you know will be supportive. It sounds to me like you've been coming to this point for a while and have been fairly open. Based on that, I suspect your coming out experience will be similar to mine where the most common reaction was basically "well duh" followed closely by "that explains a few things". I'm a huge proponent of coming/ being out since I just can't see living a lie. ( I won't go into my rant on the social politics). I think your signature is very appropriate to the situation. Have the courage to be true to yourself and make people accept you for who you are.

[The Barefoot Contess]

Thank you, guys, you are wonderful.
I have a question: when you say "live the bi lifestyle", what do you mean exactly? Sorry if this sounds stereotypical, but my lifestyle is only heterosexual to other people because I have not been with women in my adult life. I am gay/bi-friendly, talk about gay/bi issues with people, have gay and bi friends, go to gay/lesbian bars and dance and flirt with people of both sexes, I am a member of LGBT groups... but all that does not out me, most people would say I am a committed ally with an open mind because they have not "seen" me with any woman. To me that does not make much difference, because if we were to judge both sexual preferences fairly, I am neither hetero nor bi, but a closeted bisexual, since I it is been a while since I have been with anyone, lol. What I mean is one does not have to "act on" (i. e. have a (sexual) relationship) one's desires to be considered bi or gay.

[the mage]

Spend less time wondering what label fits you and more time creating your own life story and you'll be happier.

Your sexuality will ebb and flow with time. Simply seek out people who turn your mind on and your body will follow if you let it.

[Danielle B]

Spend less time wondering what label fits you and more time creating your own life story and you'll be happier.

Your sexuality will ebb and flow with time. Simply seek out people who turn your mind on and your body will follow if you let it.

Quoted for truth.

One thing I'm starting to get more comfortable with is that I'm me, and I don't always fit into a nice, neat little box. It's just easier to do what feels right and good and not worry about which label I belong to.

But from what you describe about your friends, it doesn't sound like you would have much to worry about as far as coming out anyway(which, by the way, you don't ever HAVE to do before you're comfortable doing so).

[Azrael]

Thank you, guys, you are wonderful.
I have a question: when you say "live the bi lifestyle", what do you mean exactly? Sorry if this sounds stereotypical, but my lifestyle is only heterosexual to other people because I have not been with women in my adult life. I am gay/bi-friendly, talk about gay/bi issues with people, have gay and bi friends, go to gay/lesbian bars and dance and flirt with people of both sexes, I am a member of LGBT groups... but all that does not out me, most people would say I am a committed ally with an open mind because they have not "seen" me with any woman. To me that does not make much difference, because if we were to judge both sexual preferences fairly, I am neither hetero nor bi, but a closeted bisexual, since I it is been a while since I have been with anyone, lol. What I mean is one does not have to "act on" (i. e. have a (sexual) relationship) one's desires to be considered bi or gay.
Lots of people think bisexual and swinger are interchangeable. I know, it annoys me. As does talk of lifestyles, but whatchyaguhdo guhddamnit?

[The Barefoot Contess]

I don't know, maybe labels are what gives a sense of belonging, of not being alone, of being part of the world as a recognizable entity. It might also help people to understand themselves, even if it is through the lense of a social category with which they might even disagree. I'd say most people need labels, but some people don't. I don't see either option as intrinsically better. If you know what you are and there is a label that describes you well and you want to use it, why not? If there is not such a label, but you still need definition, then there comes the anxiety.
The question of coming out has a lot to do both with public acceptance and with personal freedom, two ideas that oftentimes are in conflict. Many people say they need to be out because otherwise they would be living a lie and therefore would not be free, but on the other hand there are people whose reasons to come out have more to do with finding a place in society and being accepted as a valuable member (in other words, they don't want to be left out, not necessarily free).

Just some random thoughts.