bisexuality or bullshit

[Long Duck Dong]

strange title I know.....

I was sitting with some friends tonight, and we were talking about sex, sexuality and our partners ( i am celibate and single )

the remark came up about how bisexuals have little regard for their partners and care mainly about their sexuality... at which I fumed.....for about a minute....

damm thing is that they are correct....a lot of the bisexuals I know, would much rather cheat on their partners, than be honest, and use the excuse that they have needs but their partner is biphobic

hell I have need of one million dollars, but I don't rob banks.... I just learn to tighten the belt a little.... tho if I tighten it any more, I am gonna cut myself in half

but it made me think back to the people I have betrayed, lied to, shit on, screwed over etc....in the name of bisexuality....
its not a case of them not accepting me as much as it was a case of me putting my cock ahead of their heart.....they couldn't accept my bisexuality, I couldn't keep it in my pants

if I look back at things now... I gave them a reason not to accept my bisexuality.... as I was not saying I am bisexual, please learn to understand me...I was saying I am bisexual, please sit back and watch me tell you I love you then share beds with other people.......
that is like a slap in the face for most people...... I love you but I don't love you enuf to stop sleeping around.... is it any wonder that some people just don't wanna deal with bisexuals......

I never realised what it could actually mean to a person until a G/F said to me, how many partners have you had......and I had to borrow a calculator....

would I handle it if my g/f had been honest and said something like she had 2 g/f's, 3 b/f's, couples and 10 fuck buddies, but she loves me........
yeah I quess I would have handled it, but it would mean that her saying she loved me, would have a hollow sound to it......

I remember when I spoke to another ex and said " what is it about bisexuality that you find good, bad and unacceptable.....the answer was simple

good in that you can understand things that others may struggle with

bad in that I have no objections complimenting people on looks and physique..but I have no idea if you intend to shag them

unacceptable in that you will either love me, treat me like a queen and treat others like used condoms or that you will treat them like equals to your own partner and remove that special something that you and me share

as my stepfather once said to me, " bisexuality is not the issue..... its how your destroy others in the name of sex, that is the issue "

that remark is one I now understand.......

my sexual activities, betrayal of partners, breaking of hearts, risks of aids / hiv / std / pregnancy, broken marriages, helping others betray their partners etc, using the excuse of * i'm bisexual, I have needs * is not a aspect of my bisexuality or my bisexual nature.... its simply me acting like a total asshole and using a excuse, that is utter bullshit, to justify everything

now I am still bisexual, celibate and single and doing a lot of apologizing to a lot of people.........some have forgiven me, some have walked away... some have just looked at me and smile and some have stood there, shook their heads and said " you are no different to other people around the world that use their sexuality as a excuse...... the only thing is that now you are not using your sexuality to apologize, you are using your heart "

I am bisexual ... a person with a bisexual nature.... and also a person that learnt the difference between bisexuality and bullshit.....

many of my friends respect me highly as a person now....as I am not afraid to be honest and talk about my feelings for other people, and also cos i am not afraid to tell others that I am not interested in their fun and games......not cos I am celibate but cos I just don't wanna deal with the bullshit excuses about how they are bisexual and have needs, so that entitles them to treat others like shit

eating humble pie is hard, but it sure beats the bullshit I fed to others

[kitten]

LDD -

Thanks for sharing and baring something other than your ass! :)

I appreciate your life lessons. I have learned something new today through your perspectives.

Thanks again,

[Skater Boy]

Well LDD, I consider myself Bisexual and have done very little of the negative things you wrote above. I guess that makes me an "Ethical Slut".

[the mage]

Why are you taking the sins of the world upon yourself?
Why is seeking the satisfaction of a primal drive some sort of crime in and of itself?

did you actually spread disease around or catch any?
If no , good for you..if yes take the pills..
Did you leave the encounters feeling relaxed and ready to go on living or did you feel filthy and antisocial??
Most are the first....if the second they do not seek it again.

No Sir do not get sucked into that quasi religious quilt crap....
You get one fucking shot at life. If you risk all in the need to satisfy that gawd awful strong drive that will not leave you alone in your loneliness that it must be important.
To a hell of a lot of people!!!!!

[DiamondDog]

very well written LDD.

I too think that a lot of people use their bisexuality as an excuse in order to not work on mending their relationship with their partner, slut around, or cheat on their partner with others.

I'm open to the idea of an open relationship but most of the time it's better in theory than in reality and it just causes everyone a broken heart and a big headache/frustration, and most of the men I date are serial monogamists which is more what I'd want in a male partner.

While I do get cravings for sex with women or male/male/female 3 ways when I date/get involved with gay men I know that they'll NEVER happen and I don't want to cheat and fuck up my relationship with wonderful men and anyway these are gay men so they don't want sex with women at all and also while I do find other men sexually attractive and want sex with them (as I'm sure my male partners do too) neither of us cheat.

I'd also NEVER enter into a monogamous relationship with a man and somehow expect that our relationship has to be open so I can sleep with women and maybe other men and if it's not an open relationship it's all his fault and he's not letting me fulfill all of my sexuality.

[truelove201]

Thank you for sharing LLd...your words very clearly identified some of my fears about opening up a marriage in order for my Husband to feel fulfilled. We are no where ready for that and what you have shared gives me much to think on further...
:female:

[fallenpandora]

Well im bisexual and i would never do that to a person i consider both girls and guys a potental relationship. if i wanted to date a girl and i was in a relationship id break up with him or her before i pursued the next relationship.

so many people consider bisexualty as being u like to have SEX with boys or girls but really its about LIKING boys and girls. i mean if u were hetro and u liked a girl you date her its the same with girl and girl relationships. i think people that only have sex and dont even consider the potental of having a realtionship with the same sex should really look at them selves and ask am i9 bisexual or do i just really like sex any kind of sex cause there is a big difference, if you have sex with lots and lots of guys and ur a girl u dont explain it by calling yourself straight its usually explained by relizing u have a sexual addiction.

thanks :)

p:s: im not trying to have a go at anyone so i hope i didnt affend anyone.

[dafydd]

Well im bisexual and i would never do that to a person i consider both girls and guys a potental relationship. if i wanted to date a girl and i was in a relationship id break up with him or her before i pursued the next relationship.

so many people consider bisexualty as being u like to have SEX with boys or girls but really its about LIKING boys and girls. i mean if u were hetro and u liked a girl you date her its the same with girl and girl relationships. i think people that only have sex and dont even consider the potental of having a realtionship with the same sex should really look at them selves and ask am i9 bisexual or do i just really like sex any kind of sex cause there is a big difference, if you have sex with lots and lots of guys and ur a girl u dont explain it by calling yourself straight its usually explained by relizing u have a sexual addiction.

thanks :)

p:s: im not trying to have a go at anyone so i hope i didnt affend anyone.

Well actually that's what I was just thinking. Surely what the OP, LDD was describing was about being a horny male not nec. about bisexuality.

d

[Long Duck Dong]

sorry mage, but the sins of the world are not my problem to deal with.... I create my shit and I deal with my shit...
nor is what I think, anything to do with quasi religious crap, as you put it

I have fond memories of past partners.... and the memories of their tears and crying as they walked out of my life, after I betrayed them
I have a warmth in my heart from loving people.... and more scars from broken hearts, than I care to remember
I have enjoyed the touch and caress of some awesome partners, and now I sleep alone in a empty bed

what finally dropped me to my knee and made me truly realise what I had lost.... was when I lost my cat to cancer......
for 16 years, he was my friend, confidante, lap thief and bed hogger....and the only one that stayed in my life and made it clear that he loved and adored me......

then I had to have him put down..... and that night, I went to bed alone.....and realised that I had shown my cat, more love, caring and respect than any of my partners for the last 20 odd years........

regardless of what anybody thinks of me.... I still have to deal with my shit, that I created...... and if I remain celibate and single for the rest of my life, I only have myself to blame......but I would rather stay that way, than tear another heart apart cos I am horny and not honest

[bigyrl6971]

I just wanted to say, thank you for this post. I think that a lot of bisexuals (both male and female) use this excuse to *cheat* on their partners - the "I have needs that *you* can't fill because you're male/female" excuse - to step outside of the relationship. It does hurt a lot of people including the person who is doing the stepping out, as you've discovered. I am guilty of that myself as well. And I don't like myself for doing that to a person I cared very much about, that I hurt and who lost all trust and faith in me and our relationship. My feeling now is if I've made a commitment in a relationship to be with one person, regardless of gender, I wont' step outside that relationship. Hey, can always use it as fantasy in our playtime! :bigrin:

I also wanted to tell you I'm sorry for the loss of your cat. Animals love us unconditionally and I always have thought of mine as part of my family, not as a pet.

[Skater Boy]

There's NOTHING wrong with being sexually active. Just make sure that your partner agrees with everything that goes on, and that you can justify it to yourself. otherwise, don't do it. :)

[Annika L]

I'm with Skater Boy on this.

I don't believe in using bisexuality as an excuse to cheat on your significant other behind their back. If they are ok with it, then it's not cheating.

The problem that I've encountered most in talking about this subject with others is that many people are afraid to admit their bisexuality to their significant other...and they want to experiment without their partner's knowledge. I truly feel for people in this position, but I still believe that gambling on communication and openness is far better than gambling that you won't get caught.

No reasonable person should be angry with you because of your sexuality...but any reasonable person will be hurt if you violate their trust. And if you are not with a reasonable person...get the hell out fast (my bias *smile*).

Communication and honesty are always the key!

[Huey_durden]

If the question is bisexuality or bullshit then it's bullshit becasue being bisexual is just an excuse.
If you cheated you cheated. How many heteros or gays and lesbians cheat? How many women have ever said or heard he cheated just because he was a man?
How many men have ever said it. Don't drag bisexuality into it. I never heard anybody say they cheated with somebody because they were straight. It's cool for a hetero guy to sleep with a lot of gals but if a bi guy sleeps with both he is a dirty man whore? fuck that. That statement is as fishy as a $5 whore. Unless it's bangkok. the exchange rate is excellent.

Have I cheated in the past..yep. Was it because I was bisexual or was it because I was too chicken shit to take potential screaming ,crying and knife throwing from said mates. I admit I was chicken shit. Fucked up actually. Would I do it again. I would have to in order to discover that I don't want to be monogamous, but that doesn't mean I can't love more than one person in a committed relationship. Realizing that was a bit more difficult than realizing I that I didn't have to choose either gay or straight. Just because society made a bunch of rules doesn't mean we can't redefine them. If we can challenge being straight and being gay we can challenge anything.

People cheat because of different reasons. Some may be legit and some maybe not. (That's a different long thread right there)
But blaming bisexuality sounds shallow. I get what you are saying but personally I think it's deeper than that.
Being bisexual doesn't make you more prone to cheat, it just gives you a lot more targets. Bang.... Bang....

[biwords]

If Long Duck Dong is right, the only ethical options seem to be:

1. Be celibate.
2. Be monogamous.
3. Obtain your spouse's agreement to an open relationship.
4. End the relationship with your spouse (but then choose celibacy or monogamy with someone else).
5. Accept that you're a "total asshole".

This seems entirely too harsh and dogmatic an approach, and LDD leaves the impression that it hasn't brought him much comfort or happiness, apart from the bleak satisfaction of no longer actually harming anyone else.

I also don't accept that it is, in general, less moral to cheat than to end a relationship that may have excellent reasons to live. Will the spouse necessarily be happier for being dumped than for being cheated on? As Sophocles pointed out long ago, you won't know the answer until the parties are dead.

The root problem here, I suggest, is the cultural assumption that love is monogamy and monogamy is love. Evolutionary biologists argue that women in particular have an interest in reinforcing this belief. Whether that's so or not, it's a belief that too often leaves both sexes miserable.

[spartca]

There's NOTHING wrong with being sexually active. Just make sure that your partner agrees with everything that goes on, and that you can justify it to yourself. otherwise, don't do it. :)

I would amend this to say:

Just make sure that you are honest with all of your partners, and maintaining your agreements with them as well as your own good boundaries.

[Annika L]

If Long Duck Dong is right, the only ethical options seem to be:

1. Be celibate.
2. Be monogamous.
3. Obtain your spouse's agreement to an open relationship.
4. End the relationship with your spouse (but then choose celibacy or monogamy with someone else).
5. Accept that you're a "total asshole".

This seems entirely too harsh and dogmatic an approach, and LDD leaves the impression that it hasn't brought him much comfort or happiness, apart from the bleak satisfaction of no longer actually harming anyone else.

I also don't accept that it is, in general, less moral to cheat than to end a relationship that may have excellent reasons to live. Will the spouse necessarily be happier for being dumped than for being cheated on? As Sophocles pointed out long ago, you won't know the answer until the parties are dead.

The root problem here, I suggest, is the cultural assumption that love is monogamy and monogamy is love. Evolutionary biologists argue that women in particular have an interest in reinforcing this belief. Whether that's so or not, it's a belief that too often leaves both sexes miserable.

Biwords, your list seems limited to me, but some amendments to (3) and (4) might make it more complete:

Replace (3) with "work out an agreement with your partner that is satisfying to both of you".

Replace (4) with "End the relationship with your partner, and choose a partner with whom you can work out an agreement that is satisfying to both of you."

Then I believe then your (1-5) would include a sufficient set of ethical options, and I think they would agree with LDD's morality as well.

[wanderingrichard]

i'm inclined for the most part to agree with huey here, but with one additional comment;

LDD , sorry the loss of your cat had to bring about your epiphany but we each have our triggers and limits.. mine came when i literally lost everything i had, except what was in my van or on my back at the time..to lose a constant companion like you did, i may... well it may have been too much and i wouldnt be here..

[Long Duck Dong]

bi words, you forgot one thing......

I am not suggesting that what I am done in my life, suits everybody.... its simply sharing my experience, my choices, and my regrets...

therefore what I have written, is right for me.... but may not be right for others

sorry but for me, I would rather grow old being loved and loving somebody, than grow old, fucking my brains out until my dick dies, than spending the remainder of my life having no sex and no relationship

btw the most ethical option that you left out was this one :
* give your partner the same rights that you want for yourself....the right to choose if they stay or go, and open or closed *

[parkwings]

I personally agree with all LDD's posts on this thread, as well as Annika's post. :tongue:

[Lisa (va)]

As usual , another thought provoking thread from you.
And I believe that all that have replied are correct: as what works for some may not for others, I especially enjoyed Annika's ammendments -satisfying for both.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[biwords]

bi words, you forgot one thing......

I am not suggesting that what I am done in my life, suits everybody.... its simply sharing my experience, my choices, and my regrets...

therefore what I have written, is right for me.... but may not be right for others

sorry but for me, I would rather grow old being loved and loving somebody, than grow old, fucking my brains out until my dick dies, than spending the remainder of my life having no sex and no relationship

btw the most ethical option that you left out was this one :
* give your partner the same rights that you want for yourself....the right to choose if they stay or go, and open or closed *

Fair enough, LDD. I agree entirely about giving one's partner the same rights one lays claim to.

"I would rather grow old being loved....." etc. Yes, if those are the only two choices. I still think that people go very wrong in making monogamy the paramount (or sole) litmus test for whether love exists or for whether a couple should split up. And I do wonder about the sort of person who finds a spouse's lapse unforgivable. That just doesn't seem very sane to me (if the relationship has other strong positives).

[Annika L]

I do agree with you there, biwords. Love does not imply monogamy, and monogamy does not imply love.

Monogamy should only exist when both partners have agreed that it should. But if monogamy has been agreed to, then I can fully understand how a breach in that trust can shake a person's level of trust to an extent where the relationship is jeopardized.

[biwords]

I do agree with you there, biwords. Love does not imply monogamy, and monogamy does not imply love.

Monogamy should only exist when both partners have agreed that it should. But if monogamy has been agreed to, then I can fully understand how a breach in that trust can shake a person's level of trust to an extent where the relationship is jeopardized.


I agree, Annika. The trust issue is a huge one. But that's separate from the love/monogamy equation, as you recognize.