Bisexual, but want to get married - now what!!

[kevin612]

I have been with my gf now for over 3 years (we are both 27 y.o.) and I am very seriously thinking of getting engaged to her. That said, I have also been in therapy for over a year now and really trying to understand my sexuality better and how I fit into this crazy world. It has been very confusing, upsetting, and anxiety-filled for much of the time. It wasn't until very recently that I have really come to grips with who I am and that it is ok.

One of my problems still is feeling isolated....like most "normal" guys are completely straight and have zero interest whatsoever in other guys.

My other big problem is that I want so badly to make a commitment to my gf and get engaged and have a life together and a family, etc. etc., but I feel like everyday I use my attractions to males as an "excuse" to not do that. Like, "I have these attractions towards males....how can I possibly commit to a woman???" I am really kind of tired of feeling this way, and I think I have come to a point where I can say to myself that it is ok, it is part of who I am it doesn't have to threaten my relationship with my gf. Incidently, she knows all about me and my desires, but unfortunately has no bi tendencies and doesn't really feel comfortable really exploring them with me or like looking at gay porn with me. She isn't disgusted by it by any means, she just really doesn't have an interest.

I just wonder how other men who are married deal with the day-to-day? How do you find complete and utter happiness with your woman everyday? Do you have to beat off like once a week to gay porn in order to maintain a balance? Do you do other sexual things with your wives to make it all work?? I am just wondering how to really have a happy and fulfilling straight sex marriage and not swing and do things like that. Do couples out there have any tips? I really just consider myself a normal guy who goes to work, loves his career....wants to have kids and a family.....live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood...go jogging....etc. etc. and have a great wife who takes care of me and I take care of her. I am certainly not opposed to gay relationhips or unexposed to them, I just love my gf and think this is most likely the path I want to take with my life.

Thanks in advance for any advice - people on this site are usually very helpful.

[allbimyself]

First step is to talk to her.

[rissababynta]

"I have these attractions towards males....how can I possibly commit to a woman???" .


so, let's say you are completely straight and attracted to only women. there are a hell of a lot of other women in the world besides your g/f. would you be tempted go around sleeping with all of them simply because that is who you are attracted to? cause it kind of seems like the same situation. if you have no plans for being with anyone but her, it shouldn't matter what sex you are attracted to.

if this is truly how you feel, then i hope that i helped ya out atleast a little bit. but if this really is just one of the excuses that you talk about, than maybe you aren't ready for marriage. if you were truly ready to marry your g/f, you wouldn't be coming up with excuses. maybe this is something to talk about in therapy, that is if you are still involved in it.

also, if she doesn't fully know what you are feeling right now about how deep your feelings are, it might be a good idea to tell her. not only would your marriage have a good start with no secrets, but the honesty could help things A LOT. my husband and i are both bi and we have an agreement that i can be with a woman, and he can be with a man. and we are ok with it because he knows i'm the only woman in his life and i know he is the only man in mine. we don't exactly go off screwing other people all the time but, it's nice to know that the option is there for us. maybe if you sit down with her, the two of you can come up with an agreement where if you feel the need to be with another man, have a boyfriend, etc. it would be ok. don't get me wrong, i'm not talking about going off and screwing every guy you see either lol.

it also seems to me that if she is totally ok with who you are...then there shouldn't really be any problems.

[seafer]

so, let's say you are completely straight and attracted to only women. there are a hell of a lot of other women in the world besides your g/f. would you be tempted go around sleeping with all of them simply because that is who you are attracted to? cause it kind of seems like the same situation. if you have no plans for being with anyone but her, it shouldn't matter what sex you are attracted to.

if this is truly how you feel, then i hope that i helped ya out atleast a little bit. but if this really is just one of the excuses that you talk about, than maybe you aren't ready for marriage. if you were truly ready to marry your g/f, you wouldn't be coming up with excuses. maybe this is something to talk about in therapy, that is if you are still involved in it.

also, if she doesn't fully know what you are feeling right now about how deep your feelings are, it might be a good idea to tell her. not only would your marriage have a good start with no secrets, but the honesty could help things A LOT. my husband and i are both bi and we have an agreement that i can be with a woman, and he can be with a man. and we are ok with it because he knows i'm the only woman in his life and i know he is the only man in mine. we don't exactly go off screwing other people all the time but, it's nice to know that the option is there for us. maybe if you sit down with her, the two of you can come up with an agreement where if you feel the need to be with another man, have a boyfriend, etc. it would be ok. don't get me wrong, i'm not talking about going off and screwing every guy you see either lol.

it also seems to me that if she is totally ok with who you are...then there shouldn't really be any problems.


I went through the same thing with my husband when I first met him. he told me at first he was gay.. so we were like the closest of friends for a year. then one day we kissed and ended up in bed.. I asked him about being gay and he told me that he just said that because he felt guilty about wanting both sexes.. Thats when I told him i was bi.. we both are.. we got married almost a year ago after being together for 4 years.. I love him and he loves me.. we both enjoy the sex of both parts.. that is we are both loyal to each other when it comes to the oppisite sexes.. we both see the same sex as much as we want.. I have no need for anyother men and hin the same with other women..
lets hope your is as good as I was...Be happy and relax..

[welickit]

Your entire post was about "YOU", what about her? If you can't openly discuss the issues with her then you aren't ready to say for better or for worse. All it will do is get worse. I met my wife 40 years ago, we are both bisexual and love each other more everyday. We have sex with others but we love only each other. We are also open and honest with one another.

[kevin612]

Thank you for the advice. I guess my post did talk quite a bit about me. Although I do have to say that my gf understands and isn't very threatened by my attractions towards men, but at the same time, she really can't relate. She feels 100% straight and just doesn't really have an interest in the same sex. So, for that reason, it can be difficult for her to completely understand or share the same kind of confusion and frustration at times. It seems that everyone who gives me advice is in a relationship where both people are bi and they can talk about it very openly. And while I do think that I can talk to my gf at any time about it, because it is not really part of who she is...the conversation can really only go so far. But, like I said, she is not disgusted by it or thinks its weird or anything, she just doesn't necessarily share the same desires and therefore it isn't a major part of our relationship. Therein could lie the big problem for me.... But, I would hate to think the fact that she is not bi is a reason for us not to be together. I would just be interested to hear about how couples with one partner who is bi and one partner who is not deals with it and how they approach the day-to-day.

[rissababynta]

you say she isn't disgusted by it and isn't threatened by it. so, i'm sorry but i don't really see the problem. it seems like you almost need her to be bi for you to be accepted. there are a lot of people in the world who are not lucky enough to have someone who loves them for everything they are. personally, if i were you, i would be happy with what i have.

[onewhocares]

Well maybe I can give you a different view point. I am the straight wife of a bi man. I knew he had been with men before we were married and it never really came up until about three years ago. I always knew that something was missing. We it turns out it was that Bill wanted to be with a man.

For the most part I was ok with it. I loved being with the men he was with too. Recently and issue came up which sort of surprised me. I watched HIM make love to our lover...and I saw him light up. He was a far more attentive lover to the man, than to me. (or so I thought) I found that I was envious of the lover. Not for what he did, but rather the intensity and desire for a man that he did not have for me. I was equating my relationship with the lover. Well, hello Belle, you bright bulb. I said to myself. No matter what you can or want to do...there is no way you can make Bill feel the same way a man does. NEVER. Once I came to that understanding, I was ok with it all.

[Mrs.F]

Just like Belle, I am also a straight wife who has a bi husband. But unlike Belle, I had NO idea when I married him 11 yrs. ago that he had been with guys or that he was bi. He had put that part of himself away....however, that part of him didn't stay hidden. When I found out I was shocked and hurt and scared but then figured out that it didn't matter if he was bi or not. I, like your gf didn't find anything wrong with same sex so it wasn't that, that bothered me, it was more....he might leave me, in no way shape or form can I make him happy when I don't have a penis!!! But then I joined this site and learned alot.

She doesn't have to be bi to understand your desires. You have a relationship with her and if you want to continue that relationship then you will have to do alot of talking to make sure you both understand each other's feelings. YES...marriages do work with only one partner being bisexual....but communication and honesty is the ONLY way it will work.

Good luck!!

[Lisa (va)]

Just another perspective: from a bi woman married to a straight man.

Prior to even consider getting married you and her really need to sit down together and discuss what each of you want (and expect) from it. There are marriages where the couple is completely monogamous as well as those that allow for other bed partners of the same sex or even both sexes. The thing is that both must be willing to set guide lines that both can live with, neither one is right or wrong - it's all a matter of individuality.

I didn't so much read your posts as all about you, but more subtlely about she's not bi. Ask yourself if that is really important to you or more a way of validating your own bisexuality:she may not share the same frustrations or confusion as you concerning your sexuality but don't sell her short as far as understanding you have that part of you. But like most areas of the realtionship it boils down to being able to talk honestly with each other.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[kitten]

I agree that communication is of utmost importance.
I am a bi-female married to a straight man. I have my desires and longings. I belong to this community to be with people like me completely with his knowledge and agreement.

Yet, he has his own kinks that I don't completely understand and am learning to appreciate! Some of his desires were a shock to me and I work at learning techniques that bring him fulfillment outside of my comfort zone.

It *IS* all about communication and the desire to make your partner exactly that - a partner.

A saying goes that it is not enough to give 50/50. Partners should be prepared to give 100/100 and then it will all balance out in the long run.

hugs and best wishes to you,

[someotherguy]

Marriage can be daunting no matter what your sexual preferences, interests, etc. because of the idea of limiting yourself to that one person, and because marriage itself has a bad record. Unless one has a rock solid ideal of marriage, doubts will be normal. So from that side you can't lay all of this on being bisexual. You would be as confused and doubtful straight.

The bisexual aspect is just one other factor to consider. Some married people deal well with it, others do not. It rests with your basic ideal of marriage.

Marriages tend to work when both people have similar, compatible ideals and expectations of marriage, and life, that are realistic. They know what they get out of it, know what they give up, and like the bargain. You can apply this recipe to yourself no matter what your sexual orientation.

When you are too confused and conflicted and doubtful to believe in and want marriage, it becomes the arena for battling your demons. Your spouse can become their champion, just because of convenience.

Therapy is great and all, as a gentle path towards simple truths, which matter as decisions. In this case you will eventually embrace or reject the fact that you like sex with other men despite what kind of reaction that evokes from others at times. That issue will percolate through whatever decisions you face, until you resolve it one way or the other. I recommend not making a habit of wrestling that particular problem. Solve it, move on. Time is flying by.

There are good open marriages and good closed ones. The answer is not in that question. You would need the marriage to suit both of you. To figure that out you need to first be yourselves.

In my ideal relationship and in my actual past experience, when I am with someone I find there is more than enough to content me, and so other people do not seem interesting sexually anymore. I much prefer the benefits of exclusivity to whatever variety or adventure I could find with multiple partners. First among the benefits is the sense of belonging, of being devoted, of having a special bond, which is a sanctuary for love, and a gift of acceptance, an embrace without threat or fear of distraction, loss, and so on. If I was worried about whether I would be able to maintain interest in just one person then I would take that as a sign I was not with the person who was right for me. I would figure out what was wrong or just keep looking. That is me, and you are you, so take it or leave it.

The real danger as I see it is that people can and do easily make all kinds of unrealistic assumptions about marriage, married life, and their partners, even the other gender entirely. Then marriage becomes a kind of fantasy place where magical thinking erases all problems and doubts. Marriage is see as the cure-all. Then of course it falls apart because a ceremony doesn't somehow magically make life easy. Marriage will not shut the door on confusion. It will just give it a new social status.

[the mage]

You must talk openly and completely to this woman before wedding her.
Your sexuality will rear its head in future. You both must know.
It is too too big to hide in the closet.