New to site - recently learned husband us bi

[cgtar]

After 23 1/2 years of a good marriage, my husband recently confessed that
he is bi. He acted on it a couple of times when he was a teenager, then for many years surpressed it. I never had a clue until a couple of years ago. In 2003 he met a guy, fell in love with him and carried on with him for 18 months. It ended last December. I knew something was very odd about their relationship and I continually asked him what was going on. The guy he was seeing was also married and his wife was clueless. After much tension in our relationship he finally confessed in July. Surprisingly since the confession, our relationship has been wonderful. We talk like we never have, have great sex all the time and enjoy each other a lot! I know that I can't change the way he is, but I am concerned because he has had a taste of the other side and enjoyed it so much. He feels such a sense of relief that he can talk to me about it now. He says he is going to try to supress the urge to be with a guy, but I don't know if he can. He sometimes drinks too much and seems quite vulnerable when he drinks. He tells me a lot of details when he is drunk and he gets quite horned out. What if I wasn't there for him to talk to and it was a guy instead? He says he loves me, wants to remain married, etc.....During one of his drunk evenings he asked me if I would consider a threesome - me, him and another guy. I might, but then again I might not. Pardon my stupidity, but what goes on during a threesome? I want him to remain faithful to me, we do love each other. Are there ways he can satisfy his urges without having sex with a guy? Please give me your thoughts.

[arana]

Cgtar, my heart goes out to you, it really does. Even though I'm the bi half of my relationship I can understand your point of view very well. Just because someone is bi, doesn't mean they can't have a loving, one on one relationship with their spouse. Supressing the urges you have for someone when you are committed is not only a straight thing. If you find someone you want to spend your life with and agree to only being with them, striaght, bi or gay, that's the choice you made and should stick to unless something else is agreed upon. It sounds like you are doing the most that you can do and you've even left yourself open to at least the idea of a 3 some, by getting facts before committing and so on. That's far more than a lot of spouses would do in your situation. Your husband is a very lucky man and I hope he repays you with that same kind of respect.

Good luck to you with everything!
Arana

[Sparks]

My father used to recite this little joke/riddle when I was a kid to his friends. Name a four letter word for sex? Of course, as you might imagine, the mind would run amoke with four letter words, and laughter would abound. Yet there was a correct answer. A four letter word for sex? TALK.

It sounds like you're ok about this? Get to the point "Freddy" (that's my real name by the way).

:2cents: If you still love him, support him. But by all means don't get involved in a three way of any kind. You're emotionally not ready, and tell him that. And tell him you heard this from a guy!

However, you first concern should be the alcohol. If you want to keep your relationship alive, this is ground zero. I'm certain that he loves you beyond imagine; otherwise he would have left. Supporting him in his bisexuality with a threesome is not in your best interest kiddo. For lack of a better term, start here. Booze, fantasy, etc. . . you get the drift. Deal with the sex only when it's within your comfort zone.

Take good care, and I hope this has helped you.

[Bi-ten]

Cgtar,

You are truely an amazing and open minded person. I'm not sure I have anything more helpful to add than the good people before me... except to be as open as you can about your feelings.

You have a right to be hurt or angry or possessive of him, don't abandon yourself for his sake. If you can handle his occasional wanderings, let him know, if you can't...well let him know that too.

Hopefully you can find some sort of compromise that will work for both of you.

All the best,

[Lorcan]

> Surprisingly since the confession, our relationship has been wonderful. We talk like we never have, have great sex all the time and enjoy each other a lot!

Good for you two! Many women would simply throw the guy out of the house, but this confession actually deepened your relationship.

Just your knowing will help him stay faithful to you. For example, if i lust over anyone, and don't tell my spouse it would be easier to fall into the trap of cheating. I always tell my spouse, and i never cheat.

And for what goes on in a threeway, if you choose to go that route... what goes on is exactly what you determine. Discuss it beforehand, and lay down the rules. If there is something you're uncomfortable doing or viewing, tell him.

[trickster232]

Hello. I am in a similar situation. After 30+ yrs. of marriage i found out my husband was bi two yrs. ago and after two yrs... i am still in a similar situation to yours (minus the drinking). Stalemate, lol. Can you satisfy his urges? Yes, you can. But, at least in my case, i have tried everything but standing on my head and turning blue and it has not satisfied his BI urges. He has been waiting a long time hoping i will give him the go ahead to find a "buddy". Thus far, i am still unable to do this. I am going to have decide soon tho cause i sense he is not going to wait forever. Good luck in whatever you decide. Trick

[mike9753]

I agree with with Sparks, especially about the alcohol. That can really get someone into trouble - with AIDS and HIV out there - booze tends to evaporate your judgement and make you stupid - ready to take chances when you shouldn't.

I also think that you should capitalize on the improvement in your relationship - TALK, TALK, TALK, LISTEN, LISTEN AND LISTEN some more. Listen to what he is saying and to what is not said. Do not be judgemental, if you can avoid it.

BUT, don't be afraid to talk about what scares you about what could happen between the two of you. There are a lot of dangers here. You both should be aware that this could blow up in your faces and you could lose the wonderful relationship that you have together.

Use us, if what has been said here is helpful. Don't be afraid to share here as a rehearsal for what you might want to say to him.

Mike

[cgtar]

Thank-you all for your support! :) I plan to visit the site often for advice. I love him so much, but I am so angry. The bi part is OK with me - I can deal with the fact that he is attracted to men. The 18 month affair is what is killing me! I know the details. In some ways that is good, other ways not so good. I will look at him and try to imagine the two of them together and it makes me sick. They got together the second time they met at a party in my car! Oh, that makes me mad. The wonderful thing that has become of this is our relationship now. It is the best ever. Weird or what.

[nakedambrosia]

Hi cg: I read and re-read your intial post. Has his drinking increased after the confession or did he drink heavily before....if after, then he is still wrestling with a very sensitive topic and perhaps feels that the only way to talk is through the relaxing effects of alcohol. One way to discourage his drinking is talking openly with him when he is sober-that would give him permission to open up. What I have read a lot in the responses is communication, talk, talk and more talk. Alcohol creates a false sense of security- it acts as a comfort blanket however, eventually, one sobers up...then where are you at? Your initiation then is critical. You also mention anger in your second post- a normal reaction. You are going through some type of grieving...you have found that your husband is different- again, communication is the best, and better without the influence of alcohol. It's going to take some work on your part-he is trying to reach out from a very difficult situation. He feels it is safe to express himself with the use of alcohol. Attempt to bring him out without his security blanket while letting him know things will be all right.

[m.in.heels&hose]

Hello cgtar
I am the bi person in my marriage and i told my wife ALL about me when we were dating, i felt that she needed to know, only because i knew she would find out sooner or laterm, and the longer i waited, the messier it would get
Her reaction to this news was very surprising to myself, she told me she still loved me and this did not change the person i was, the person she fell in love with.
We have been married for nearly 12 years now, and we have an open marriage (i know, not a common situation) however, we do have a few rules, we do let each other know when we are going out "on a date" and that we both have to be be safe (in this day and age, should go without saying)
as a couple, we have the same everyday disagreements other marriaged couples have, but they have never included the openess we share (no jealousy)
now, i am not reccomending this type of lifestyle to you, but i am just letting you know that in my case this lifestyle has worked very well for us!

as for the alcohol being involved too, i am not going to dwell on it, but your hubby could be using it as a crutch, meaning, he is drinking to either better express himself and he feels its easier to talk about such a "tabboo" subject, or he could be hiding behind alcohol to exscape his problems and fears
(It is my hope its not the latter!!!!!)
Cgtar, i truly hope you can find the answers your looking for! , and if you ever have any questions for me, please feel free to ask!


sincerly m.in.heels&hose
P.S. arana is right, your hubby is lucky to have such an understanding wife, i hope everything works out for the both of you!!!!!! :)

[wellred]

Dear Cgtar,

I do not know how you found your way to this site, but congratulations! I have found that many of the people at this site are genuinely supportive, offering wise counsel, and having a keen sense of humor – all vital to the healing process.

Unfortunately, when you post your thoughts here, you get responses whether you want them or not, whether they are useful or not. If the responses are not useful to you, perhaps they will be to another reader. So with our armchair attempts at psychology, we have to do so only on the fact that you present and do not usually have the full picture, so often we miss something important. But we mean well.

I agree with what the others have said to you, so why am I still writing? Because it was your “voice” that I heard at 4:00 this morning. (Yes, I am a bit of a nutcase.) That said, I have three observations and then some suggestions.

Observation I
You have been married for more than twenty years, so much of that relationship is not likely to change. That may give you bedrock to push against; yet it also makes it harder to renegotiate a new way of being with each other.

Observation II
Given the length of your marriage, I assume that you both are in your forties. Unfortunately, there is not likely to be significant change in either of you without some strong, outside leverage (like counseling). We all have patterns of thought, feelings and behavior that become more entrenched as we practice them over the years.

Observation III
You are feeling angry and he is drinking. Anger is a good way to protect ourselves from the more vulnerable feelings of hurt and fear. Alcohol serves similar purposes of protecting the drinker from owning and dealing with his more core feelings. Both of you have a "shield of choice" that is protecting you from dealing with more intimate issues. While they serve a protective purpose, they also keep you at a distance from one another. Maybe distance in your relationship, at this time, helps with some of the healing. But in the long run it will be determental.

Both of you are dealing with loss, not unlike a death, loss of a job, or divorce. As I read your posting, I envision two drowning puppies, trying to make your way to shore. I believe that a plan may help you find your way.

THE PLAN

Forget About Him

Nourish your soul. Do you have people around you that love you? I am not suggesting someone to complain to or feel sorry for you, but people who will remind you of who you are and celebrate the wonderful gift that are within you. "A friend is someone that remembers your song when you have forgotten the tune."

The more that you heal the less guilt your husband will carry -- making it easier for him to deal with his own issues, so you will be helping both of you if you focus on your own well-being. Your own inner strength will help you cope with the situation in hand.

Get Angry

Expressing anger at your husband feeds is low esteem and gives him fuel to drink or have sexual relations or otherwise be a victim. However, getting the anger out of your system is important. Some suggestions: write a letter and shred it or post is here, go to an abandoned area and scream, kick and pound, find a punching bag and work out regularly, etc.

Set Some Boundaries

Marriage is a contract that can be renegotiated. What has been said about drinking rings true. So make some rules about what you will tolerate (what is acceptable behavior) if you are to stay in this marriage. Sex, in my opinion, is not a bargaining tool. So like others here I recommend that you not take on threesomes or any other form of emotionally laden activities. Sex with your husband should be an opportunity to express feeling good about yourself and sharing those positive feelings with another…a time for connecting, for fun, for pleasure.

So what is the foundation of your needs? What do you need to thrive in your marriage and what is toxic to you? You cannot change his sexual orientation, nor what has happened; but you have a right to establish some boundaries as to what is acceptable to you. And so does your husband.

Ask the Universe for What You Want

Being clear about the image that you want will help you reach your goals. Imagining him with someone else only feeds your angry, hurt and fear. Imagining how you would like life to be with him sets you on a new course. The more you rehearse the vision of how you want life to be the more real it becomes. Tell your husband your vision; ask him for his image. (He may not be able to provide one, yet.) Again, as others have said – keep communicating with each other. Not preaching, but listening, reflecting and responding.

Where is He

You are here, seeking outside assistance. What part does he play in his own healing? What responsibility does he play in renewing his marriage? What does he expect of himself? He likely is caring a lot of pain…long-term pain…and has probably been victimized throughout his life. He will need help from you and others to find the resources to dig out from under.

Finally, your relationship has much to build upon. The journey is worth the prize. I wish you every success and much happiness.

Hugs,
Red

[csrakate]

I realize that we have talked privately about the sex issues, but I forgot to discuss one very important issue with you and that is your hubby's use of alcohol and it’s part in his being honest with you. I'm not preaching nor do I condemn those who drink (I partake of a few myself, LOL), but I am a bit concerned that he tends to get a little more open and honest with you while drinking. I realize that alcohol lowers inhibitions and makes it much easier to talk, but it is your statement about his vulnerability while drunk that concerns me the most. I’m glad that he finds it easy to talk to you albeit drunk, but what is most important is whether or not he can be as honest and open with you while sober. Having a discussion of this magnitude while drunk isn’t advisable. To begin with, he may interpret your words to suit his “hoped for” response and may not actually “hear” what you are really saying. And it is also quite likely that he will have very little memory of it the next day. You need to make sure that you make YOUR needs known to him, that he in no way misunderstands your desires, your boundaries or your fears. You say he discusses things in detail and gets "horned out" while doing so. Well, I hate to say it, but he isn’t showing very much respect for you by doing that. He should understand that this is very new territory for you and just because he is discussing bisexual sex as opposed to heterosexual sex, it doesn’t give him license to flaunt the details in front of you any more than it would had he been with another woman.

My hope for you is that the two of you can find the time to discuss things while both of you are clear of mind and of alcohol. I hope that you will have the opportunity to explore this new development in your relationship without pressure and without shame and guilt. But now is the time for you to make your needs and desires known, before any possible anticipation on his part goes unfulfilled and before you commit yourself to something that you simply cannot or will not be able to do. It is possible….believe me…I know!

Kate

[jazzer]

Dear Cgtar, I have spoken to a lot of married men on the internet that are just like your husband ie unable to tell their wives about their bisexual urges for fear of wrecking their marriages. They all say pretty much the same thing, they love their wives and families, but are very fearful of talking about it. So the predictable happens, they find another man in a similar situation and cheat on their spouses.
My bisexual desires only became known to my wife in my late 50's when she caught me chatting online with another bisexual guy. Basically I thought I was turning gay because images of men on the internet were getting me very aroused. So I found other people who felt the same and chatted to them about my feelings. I suppose the internet released sublimated sexual desires in me.
How did she deal with my bisexual desires? With difficulty at first but we talked about how I could satisfy my curiousity, but not go behind her back. I think she was marvellous actually, but we had been married for over 30 years and were soul mates, I think that helped.
Our solution was for both of us to be involved in a male/ male/ female threesome. Surprisingly that has worked for us and she enjoys watching me with another man as well as having fun herself.
Basically that is what sex should be, fun and enjoyable for everyone involved regardless of their personal sexual needs. I subscribe to the view that what consenting adults do in the privacy of their own home is their business. However you resolve your personal situation must be acceptable to everyone and the key to problem solving for us has always been communication and mutual agreement. Having an open mind can be invaluable too.
I hope you both find common ground and happiness too. :)

[cgtar]

I am learning so much from all of you. I really appreciate all of your kind words. Right know I take each day at a time. I am enjoying my husband, he is the love of my life. As I said, we talk alot. Many of you stress the importance of that and we do talk when he is sober as well as when he has had a few too many drinks. I must admit I am glad that I haven't known this all of our married years. It came as such a shock to me and while I feel I am dealing quite well I don't know if I could have handled it at 21 when we first married! He says he wants to remain married and committed to me and I want the same, so I hope we can get through this. We have both gone to counseling (separately) to talk this out with professionals. I have confided in my best friend (ironically she is gay! used to date men) so she is a good one to talk to about it if I need to. All of you are great, too. Please keep the advice coming. Chris

[bigregory]

Where is He QUOTE;

You are here, seeking outside assistance. What part does he play in his own healing? What responsibility does he play in renewing his marriage? What does he expect of himself? He likely is caring a lot of pain…long-term pain…and has probably been victimized throughout his life. He will need help from you and others to find the resources to dig out from under.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey Chris it's great your getting some outside intervention.
The other outside help that i think might be a great help is alcoholics anonymous.
alcoholism is a disease,I wish it were not but trust me it is.
All the talk and council will not stop a drunked up guy, from rembering what he and his wife talked about the night before at the council session.
I truly hope the booze is not a big problem,but if it is it might be the best place to start.
:2cents:

[csrakate]

Chris,
I think you have taken a very important step by coming here and making an honest effort to learn more about your husband and his bisexuality and yourself. It is a step that I wish I had taken years ago...but I didn't and hindsight is 20/20. Anyway, to answer your question about whether or not I feel that my husband looks at men when we're out. I'm not sure if he does or not and if he does, I am no longer concerned about it. There is an old saying, albeit crude, "It doesn't matter where they get their appetite, as long as they come home for dinner". I have finally learned that just because they look doesn't necessarily mean they want them...it's no different than admiring a painting...or a pretty dress...and if your husband is claiming to love you and want you, why should you worry about it either? Heck, I look at men all the time...and occasionally I admit that I will find a woman attractive. It doesn't mean I want to sleep with them. LOL

As far as letting family and friends know....why should you do that? As I said in an earlier post in the forum, I see no reason to inform my mother that my husband is bisexual anymore than I would feel compelled to tell her that I have hot, passionate heterosexual sex with him either. Your sex life and your sexual preferences and those of your husband are private and there really isn't any reason to tell them anything at all. I am glad, however that you do have a friend that you feel comfortable confiding in. That will certainly help you to have a place to vent, to cry and to heal.

I would like to suggest that perhaps you and your husband seek some sort of marital counseling. The best part of counseling is that you will have a safe place to air your fears and express your concerns with a non-partial person mediating the sequence of events. Neither one of you would have to fear that if you speak your mind, you wouldn't be heard. And I would also strongly recommend that you encourage your husband to seek individual counseling as well. He has been suppressing a secret for many years now and especially since he acted on it, he may be suffering with feelings of shame and guilt. As much as you love him, there aren't enough words that will convince him of that you are determined to work through this issue in your marriage unless he has the outlet to work out his own issues.

My sincere hope for you is that you one day find a way to reconcile this situation without compromising yourself. As I said, my husband loves me totally and completely and I never, ever doubt his love for me. But I would have never reached that point unless I trusted him and for you, there are some serious trust issues that YOU need to work through before you can even begin to deal with the bisexuality. Do not shove those issue aside...you need to deal with them head on and please, whatever you do, don't let him ever guilt trip you into suppressing them. He's the one that made the decision to go outside of his marriage and he's the one that knowingly violated your trust. He needs to give you permission NOT to trust him before he can expect you TO trust him.

Keep coming to this site, keep posting and keep asking questions. We are all here for you and I think you may now already know that we have a lot of people here who have been there and done that! And we are all more than happy to help another person find their way to happiness.

Take care, Chris and let us continue to hear from you.

Kate

[cgtar]

Kate and everyone, you have some many good points to offer. Gives me a lot to think about. He has been going to couseling, too. As far as the alchohol goes he doesn't see that as a problem, so he feels he doesn't need help. I disagree. I work on that from time to time. He doesn't drink every night, but usually a couple nights a week. And when he does, it is not in moderation, it is excessive. He does not drink and drive. He knows better than that. Not only do I have to deal with the fact that he is bi, but I have to deal with the fact that he is an alcoholic. He is a great guy, so he is worth the effort. One day at a time.... :)

[csrakate]

Kate and everyone, you have some many good points to offer. Gives me a lot to think about. He has been going to couseling, too. As far as the alchohol goes he doesn't see that as a problem, so he feels he doesn't need help. I disagree. I work on that from time to time. He doesn't drink every night, but usually a couple nights a week. And when he does, it is not in moderation, it is excessive. He does not drink and drive. He knows better than that. Not only do I have to deal with the fact that he is bi, but I have to deal with the fact that he is an alcoholic. He is a great guy, so he is worth the effort. One day at a time.... :)
Bless your heart, you could really use a big hug and a shoulder to lean on right now. You probably feel very alone in your situation and a bit overwhelmed with all that you are having to face. But guess what? Been there and done that too!!! I haven't shared this before but I truly believe that a lot of my healing began when my husband quit drinking. And by the grace of God and the program of AA, he has been continually sober for more than ten years now. I can definitely attribute his becoming sober as a starting point for us to find the tools to work through this situation together.

I found that drinking made my husband much more compulsive. Granted he wasn't out bar hopping and hooking up with nameless sex partners....lucky me, he chose to do his drinking at home, and there were many nights I would find him on his computer, oblivious to me standing right behind him, traveling through the wonderful cyber world of bisexual sex. I felt humiliated and degraded and I hate to admit it, those feelings would soon turn to anger and I would lash out at him the next day. Of course, that did little or no good since he would promise not to do it again while he was sober and ashamed of himself the next morning, and then that very night, drunk once more, he would lose his inhibitions and forget his promises and go right back! It became an endless cycle of promises and broken promises and leaving me fearful that he might even pass out and be found by one of our kids the next day.

I am thankful that the day finally came that he recognized his behavior as being a serious problem and he chose to seek a recovery program on his own. As a classic enabler, I had allowed this situation to continue because I didn't give myself enough credit to realize that I had every right to demand a change. I often blamed myself because I felt guilty for making him feel more ashamed when I would confront him. It was an eye-opening day for me when he confessed that he knew all along how I felt...that he used that to turn a blind eye to his own problems for years. Alcoholics are very manipulative and they will do anything to cover their own inadequecies by deflecting the guilt and shame off to a loved one.

While I understand that you feel powerless at this point to initiate any sort of change, please know that you do not have to put up with his behavior. You don't have to leave him, you don't have to kick him out, and you don't have to end your marriage but you don't have to allow him to continue down this path while taking you and your marriage with him. I encourage you to seek the guidance of a program such as Al-Anon. They can't help you get your husband to quit drinking, but they can give you the tools you need to empower yourself so that you don't have to go down with him when he finally reaches his rock bottom.

Best of luck to you and I am still here if you ever need to talk.

Kate

[csrakate]

Just an added note for clarification:

I do hope you realize that I am talking about his problem with alcohol only. I would never refer to my husband's bisexuality as a problem that he needed to fix. But once sober, my husband became much more aware of my wants and needs and began to work WITH me to find a way for us to forge ahead. I don't think we would be where we are today had he not taken that courageous step to deal with his alcoholism.

[Sparks]

Kate and everyone, you have some many good points to offer. Gives me a lot to think about. He has been going to couseling, too. As far as the alchohol goes he doesn't see that as a problem, so he feels he doesn't need help. I disagree. I work on that from time to time. He doesn't drink every night, but usually a couple nights a week. And when he does, it is not in moderation, it is excessive. He does not drink and drive. He knows better than that. Not only do I have to deal with the fact that he is bi, but I have to deal with the fact that he is an alcoholic. He is a great guy, so he is worth the effort. One day at a time.... :)

Dear Chris,
It's always one day at a time, alcohol, or not. Continue to disagree with him. It's ok to do that. You care for him dispite your hurt. And, he cares for you. But you must also care for yourself. I admire your strength, Chris. My offer remains open to you, whenever the time is right. Take good care.

Fred

[cgtar]

Kate, You are great! You are so kind and I love reading your posts. So your husband is an alchoholic, too? Thank God he got the help he needed. Take care - I am off to my daughter's Open House. Will talk later.