Social Anxiety Issues

[ziggybabie]

I'm 29 years old and most of my life, I have struggled with extreme social anxiety issues. It's weird, but even when I try to socialize in group settings, I often dummy up and have nothing to say at all. Or I often am inept at knowing what to say, even online, or I'll deliver retarded comments/jokes that have people rolling their eyes at me.

I have a hard as hell time, identifying with many women. I probably would have an easier time identifying and talking to girls who are kinda tomboyish or "dorky" quiet down to earth types like me. And I'm usually better one on one with anyone, but just not with groups or cliques. I really don't like going to bars that often.

I know things will be easier for me to overcome when I graduate and go from school-work-work-school-errands-repeat to just work-work-work-free time. Right now, I think being stretched too thin and stressed out is a large part of what's making me the way I am. The bi thing is fantasy, but it's kinda a fargone thing, when I've never been on a serious date with a woman. I've had sexual experience with about 2 women (and 4 guys), in my years, but both times were VERY brief. Nothing serious.

I do know what I want, but it seems so far off, at the moment. At 29, it feels like a time clock is clicking, and I should be worried. I AM, but I am telling myself currently to be patient, until things are going more in my direction. Then, it will fall into place.

I just thought I'd put this out there. Advice?

[unum60]

I think you have just taken the first steps in changing the things that make you uncomfortable -- communicating to others how you feel! I applaud your courage!!!!!!!!!

In time I have learned to accept what others see about me and accept how I define myself. The operative word here is "time" and the clock started when I began to communicate and express to others how I felt.

I relate to your feelings of social awkwardness. I no longer feel socially awkward, in fact I am quite comfortable and at peace. However, at 29 I was very much feeling just like what you wrote.

Keep communicating :)

Peace

Jason

[sexybicplinwv]

Dear Friend!! I to have stuffer from Social Anxiety. Sometime i feel so out of place. I have to tell myself that am ok at times. And that i can let this take over me that am very strong. And so are you.(((Alway be true to yourself))) :female: :flag1:

[Solomon]

advice... i don't know, to me your post says that you're probably putting a bit too much hope in what your career's going to be like, and you seem to have a fear of public speaking.

the fear of public speaking is an easier one according to wealthy people lol. you'll get at least %50 better at it with.... ya ready?

speaking it into existence! start telling yourself that you ARE great at speaking in public! avoid saying that you are going to, you want to, you would love to, etc... very literally tell yourself that you are great at speaking in crowds.

at least that's according to millionaires, and scientists.

oh, and also tell yourself that things are GREAT now! Not just when you graduate.

the subconsious has NO sense of time, or humor (even sarcasm). i.e. your subconsious doesn't know what you mean when you say that at graduation you'll feel better, because it's a reference to a future event. your subconsious also percieves the phrase "I want graduation" as just "want graduation" in other words don't ever graduate, just want it.

anyways that according to many books, scientists, millionares, etc... hope that helps. :cool: :cool:

[yoyo4u]

... Advice? ...

Welcome to the club, some people even think the symptoms you describe is an epidemic!

Study this master (http://www.gurdjieff.org/) for some answers.

Personally.....?
It could be that you are at the wrong place, at the wrong time!
I think you have to be more choosy which group/environment you want to be in.

yoyo :cool:

[Azrael]

I can relate. I've been diagnosed with an autistic spectrum disorder(Asperger's Syndrome) so naturally I'm akward as all hell socially. I don't like making eye contact for long periods of time so after a while I start looking away when I talk to people. I get a lot of anxiety from not understanding what's happening around me, I'm really bad with interpreting body language or non verbal cues. This causes people to think I'm overly distant or rude. Neither is really the case, I've just got a few quirks.

[Solomon]

it absolutely is an epidemic lol

is an epidemic of programming the mind to be faulty.

most of the comedy on tv i think is full of sarcasm, outright put downs, and laugh at the appropriate times.

most of the news would depress Ghandi, Mother Teresa (bless their resting souls), and Susanne Somers all rolled into one.

and the 'reality shows' are full of shock therapy from my understanding.

not to mention the radio, but at least they admit they're opinionated, unlike the journalists that proclaim unbiasedness and are the first to accept the award for the most complexes given.

then there's the job... absolutely great recognition when ya fuck things up, no hope of advancing until someone dies, and a pat on the back when you make the company millions. and bosses wonder at things like stress leave lol!

this does indeed sound like an epidemic (or the Simpsons) to me lol.

BTW, thanks for providing that link to 'the master', my wife thinks highly of him. I don't know anything about him, but from flexuality's (my wife) description, i'll hafta read through it. :cool:

[Tommy2020]

I can relate. I've been diagnosed with an autistic spectrum disorder(Asperger's Syndrome) so naturally I'm akward as all hell socially. I don't like making eye contact for long periods of time so after a while I start looking away when I talk to people. I get a lot of anxiety from not understanding what's happening around me, I'm really bad with interpreting body language or non verbal cues. This causes people to think I'm overly distant or rude. Neither is really the case, I've just got a few quirks.

Az....
The finest public speaker I ever knew also had Asperger's Syndrome. Unfortunately, he knew of no singular definitive diagnostic tests at that time and his diagnosis was based on several, several behavior exams. However, he was a super motivational speaker and his trick.... was looking over the heads of his audience and never looking into any one audience member's eyes. He was very successful, married, had children and the last time I heard he was still doiing motivational speaking in Houston, Texas.
Have a great day,
Tommy2020

[Lorcan]

I can relate. I've been diagnosed with an autistic spectrum disorder(Asperger's Syndrome) so naturally I'm akward as all hell socially. I don't like making eye contact for long periods of time so after a while I start looking away when I talk to people. I get a lot of anxiety from not understanding what's happening around me, I'm really bad with interpreting body language or non verbal cues. This causes people to think I'm overly distant or rude. Neither is really the case, I've just got a few quirks.

Sounds like me. Except i remember learning when i was real young to look people in the eyes, so i can handle that unless i don't want them to speak to me. It's getting better for me now... i "woke up" when i was 28, and i'm 40 now. By "woke up" i mean i could suddenly overhear people talking in conversations that weren't directed at me, and i could see people clearer... not just shadows. You would understand unless you've been like me.
Still takes me longer to decode what people are saying than for normal people.

Yup if you can't figure people out, you're not alone. :grouphug:

[ziggybabie]

advice... i don't know, to me your post says that you're probably putting a bit too much hope in what your career's going to be like, and you seem to have a fear of public speaking.

the fear of public speaking is an easier one according to wealthy people lol. you'll get at least %50 better at it with.... ya ready?

speaking it into existence! start telling yourself that you ARE great at speaking in public! avoid saying that you are going to, you want to, you would love to, etc... very literally tell yourself that you are great at speaking in crowds.

at least that's according to millionaires, and scientists.

oh, and also tell yourself that things are GREAT now! Not just when you graduate.

the subconsious has NO sense of time, or humor (even sarcasm). i.e. your subconsious doesn't know what you mean when you say that at graduation you'll feel better, because it's a reference to a future event. your subconsious also percieves the phrase "I want graduation" as just "want graduation" in other words don't ever graduate, just want it.

anyways that according to many books, scientists, millionares, etc... hope that helps. :cool: :cool:

Actually, it's not so much putting hope in what my career will be like. It's more hope that once I have a lighter schedule, I'll have less stress. I mean, I know there are always things to do. That's life, but school work-work-school-errands isn't helping.



And I do think I just HATE working with the public. I feel too censored and nervous working and always look either pissed off or nervous. I thought after graduation, I might find ANY other job, even unrelated, to the degree, if I have to, like factory work. Not to mention I also hate my current curriculum. (Too late to change it now though-long story---I might end up deciding to go back after grad for a second degree)

Yeah, that's great advice though about telling yourself that everything's great. That actually seems easier when I've had a few to drink. That's pppprobably not a good thing to start being dependent on that to socialize, though. lol. When sober, I tend to overanalyze things. I just gotta work on it. Thanks for the advice.

[ziggybabie]

Welcome to the club, some people even think the symptoms you describe is an epidemic!

Study this master (http://www.gurdjieff.org/) for some answers.

Personally.....?
It could be that you are at the wrong place, at the wrong time!
I think you have to be more choosy which group/environment you want to be in.

yoyo :cool:

I actually thought about that, with the environment. I'm hoping that will change in the future. It's the main thought that motivates me, now. Patience.

I'll have to check out the site later. Appreciate it.

[ziggybabie]

Thanks, everyone else for the comments.

[wildangel]

I have the whole anxiety spectrum. My family and friends think I am the most anxious person ever. I don't talk to people I don't know, I vomited on many occasions while taking public speaking in college (needless to say, I failed miserably), I attain a speech impediment while talking on the phone, and when talking I usually say the dumbest thing I can think of.

I could not understand your problem better. I didn't really have a problem dating men-they're easy to come by and generally speaking they'll carry the conversation if you let them. Dating a man isn't much work at all (at least for me it wasn't). I didn't have any contact with my bisexual side until I was married with a kid. And I haven't had any since then. I am introverted and anxious.

Let me know if you figure out how not to be socially inept. Because my social circle is quickly dwindling and I am horrible at making friends.




Azrael~My 4-year-old has autism. I only hope he is as articulate and friendly as you are when he grows up. Right now, the autism is obvious. I hear it can get better as you progress into adulthood?

[Azrael]

People with Asperger's are usually referred to as having a touch of Autism. My younger brother has been diagnosed with classic Autism and he's responded very well to his schooling. He's a teenager now, but he's much better off than when he was a kid. Autistic people can do damn near anything but people usually have such low expectations of them. Sad, really.

[flexuality]

People with Asperger's are usually referred to as having a touch of Autism. My younger brother has been diagnosed with classic Autism and he's responded very well to his schooling. He's a teenager now, but he's much better off than when he was a kid. Autistic people can do damn near anything but people usually have such low expectations of them. Sad, really.

I grew up with a sister who is blind and has autism, two of my kids have autism (one is far more affected by it than the other).

As autism is a spectrum disorder, there is a huge range of ability along that spectrum.

To say that all autistic people can do "damn near anything" is very misleading. My sister and my kids have extremely different ability levels. It has nothing to do with schooling, either. Matter of fact, schooling in the case of my kids made it worse.

I am glad that your brother has a lot of ability. Not all are so fortunate.

[Solomon]

ziggybabie,

When I heard this advice, I had a very similar reaction lol. I actually told the guy that I just don't smile alot, and who the hell cares? Then he told me that if I truly want to have a better life, then I better care. If he wouldn't have been smiling when he said it, I probably woulda kicked him outta my house lol.

Before I gave this advice an honest shot I didn't smile alot, I was sarcastic as hell, didn't take myself seriously at all, didn't take anyone else seriously, and basically was just plain anti-social.

What I found out when I gave it an honest shot though was that I was giving myself so much non-stop negative feedback about my environment, my work, my family, and so on that I was literally just creating my very own hell on earth lol.

It's still not easy to choke out the good words about how I see things being sometimes, but I don't have anything to lose by bending over backwards a bit, and I'm told by those that have a HUGE part of the lifestyle that I want that I have the world to gain.

So far, I'm right on track to gaining this new world that I create.

BTW, I'm not in any way saying to just put on rosy colored glasses and 'pretend' everything's just honkey dory!

But there are TWO sides to everything, a bad side yes, but there's also a good side!

I also remember it being pointed out to me once, that of course you're busy... you'd hafta die a few hours a day to not be busy lol.

[Azrael]

I grew up with a sister who is blind and has autism, two of my kids have autism (one is far more affected by it than the other).

As autism is a spectrum disorder, there is a huge range of ability along that spectrum.

To say that all autistic people can do "damn near anything" is very misleading. My sister and my kids have extremely different ability levels. It has nothing to do with schooling, either. Matter of fact, schooling in the case of my kids made it worse.

I am glad that your brother has a lot of ability. Not all are so fortunate.
Point taken, I overdid it a tad. But even some people on the low functioning end of the spectrum have some remarkable abilities. My humble apologies for that embellishment.

[TorontoGuy2007]

i am way behind schedule in terms of developing social skills and experiences, as well as romantic and sexual skills and experiences.

as tough as it may be, you just gotta be patient and take life one step at a time. there aren't really any short cuts.. there is a learning curve for developing social skills and feeling comfortable and confident in doing it.. it just takes tons of practice.. try to open up and make friends with as many people you can. don't be afraid to tell them your deepest thoughts and deepest fears.. once you can do that, you will gain confidence in yourself.

i had to learn how to open up and be totally vulnurable before i could learn to accept myself and feel comfortable with myself..

[flexuality]

Point taken, I overdid it a tad. But even some people on the low functioning end of the spectrum have some remarkable abilities. My humble apologies for that embellishment.


No apology needed, but thanx anyway. :)

My sister has some amazing savant abilities. I'll probably go into that more in the Autism thread I see someone started.

Amazing site....who'da thunk it on a bisexual site! lol! :cool: