love vs sex, the curiousity dichotomy?

[TorontoGuy2007]

ok, i'm new here.. and just wanted to run this idea by everyone to see if anyone else went thru similar feelings.

i've always thought i was straight and always wanted love before sex. heck, i'm 32 and still a virgin. never been in a relationship that was serious enough to go all the way (although i have had some oral and other sexual contact with women who i dated, and i totally loved it!)

but anyway, i've had thoughts and "curiousities" about getting sexual with a guy. and not only do i find it strange that i am finally admitting to myself that i may be interested in guys too...

but, the big difference here is.. well, it's just a sexual thing. i'm curious and fantiasizing about doing something with a guy that i would never do with a woman.. that being, a simple physical or sexual fling..

not saying i will ever actually follow thru and try to have a fling, but i find it strange that i don't want sex without being in love first with a woman, but this guy curiousity doesn't seem to have anything to do with love or romance.. it's just a physical facination.

anyone else out there have any thoughts on this?

[FalconAngel]

There is definitely a difference between love and sex. One is not required for the other.
As a male, there have been plenty of times in my life that I have had sex without having a romantic relationship with my sexual partner. Granted that a romantic relationship with your sexual partner is always better, more complete, but that doesn't mean that a purely sexual encounter cannot be fun.
I am predominantly interested in women but, I have had a few male lovers in my life and all of my long-term male lovers have been friends before we got involved sexually. I have had quite a few flings in my life with various guys that were purely sexual, with no emotions (outside of lust) attached to them.

So, yes there is a real difference between love and sex. Sex, in and of itself, requires no emotional ties, but love is all about emotion and feeling.

[twodelta]

There is definitely a difference between love and sex. One is not required for the other.
As a male, there have been plenty of times in my life that I have had sex without having a romantic relationship with my sexual partner. Granted that a romantic relationship with your sexual partner is always better, more complete, but that doesn't mean that a purely sexual encounter cannot be fun.
So, yes there is a real difference between love and sex. Sex, in and of itself, requires no emotional ties, but love is all about emotion and feeling.

Couldn't have said it better myself. I am a 4, and have had flings and romantic relationships with both guys and gals. The flings were exciting, while sex in relationships are more caring and satisfying. So, to answer the original question, there is nothing wrong with wanting recreational same-sex sex. However, if You actually do act on Your desires, keep in mind that it will not be the same as sex You will have with someone that You deeply care for. - Dave

[someotherguy]

I think the dichotomy is false, from making an "either-or" question out of a "both" situation. It's going to happen that with some people, men or women, you'll have feelings along with sex, but not with others, and even sometime feelings and no sex involved at all. The fact feelings and sex are related doesn't dictate how they go together or when they do. I suggest saving yourself the hassle of trying to figure out your own innards, and save your strength for all the explaining you have to do dealing with people whose minds tilt like pinball machines when they encounter bisexuals. We live in odd times of sexual repression and ignorance. Enjoy it while you can!

[spartca]

"i've always thought i was straight and always wanted love before sex."

These would be the assumptions in our society that you have internalized. Perfectly normal.

"heck, i'm 32 and still a virgin. never been in a relationship that was serious enough to go all the way"

Maybe you're not as straight as you thought you were.

"but anyway, i've had thoughts and "curiousities" about getting sexual with a guy. and not only do i find it strange that i am finally admitting to myself that i may be interested in guys too..."

You're coming out to yourself. That's all part of the overall coming-out process. Again, totally par for the course.

"but, the big difference here is.. well, it's just a sexual thing. i'm curious and fantiasizing about doing something with a guy that i would never do with a woman.. that being, a simple physical or sexual fling.. "

You did not receive the same messages about same-sex relationships that you did about opposite-sex ones. As you said before, you internalized the notion that you would fall in love and have intercourse with "the one," and that this would be "for real."

One might go so far as to say that same-sex relationships are negatively defined by these stereotypical societal messages about "real love" as to be "fucking around." So of course you are pursuing same-sex encounters in the way that you have been taught by society.

It might take you a while to be able to attach fully to a same-sex romantic object in a meaningful emotional way. A lot of men never make it that far. It would just cost them too much, both intrapsychically and in the eyes of society. But practice makes perfect, so I suggest you start sucking dick as soon as you can arrange it.

Setting aside the social constructivist whine, the politically correct thing here is to say that everyone is different, and you are no exception.

"not saying i will ever actually follow thru and try to have a fling, but i find it strange that i don't want sex without being in love first with a woman, but this guy curiousity doesn't seem to have anything to do with love or romance.. it's just a physical facination."

Fritz Klein adapted the Kinsey Scale in his famous book "The Bisexual Option" to include the many dimensions of relationship. This Klein Sexual Orientation Grid can help you to identify how you feel about both men and women in past, presesnt, and future terms. Have fun!:

http://www.bisexual.org/en/klein/index.php

[Dougie]

Hi

Over the last few years I`ve fantisied about making it with a man, having and giving head as well as having and giving anal. I like to watch gay porn in all its forms as just about all of it turns me on, even a man coming in another mans mouth. I`ve never been with a man and I think that if I do it would be for quick sexual pleasure only, I would not want a loving relationship with a man I sill like women too much. Its my opinion that if most men were honest I think they, we all have gay or Bi thoughts, they say the difference beteween a gay and staraight man is a six pack ,I thgink this is more true than most men will admit. Finally does having Bi thoughts about sex with another man or even having casual sex actually mean your Bi or even Gay, does anyone know the answer?

Dougie

[spartca]

Dougie-


I would not want a loving relationship with a man I sill like women too much.

Why does loving a man make you less able to love a woman? Why couldn't you have a loving relationship with both a man and a woman?

Lots of bi folks are totally monogamous, they have loving, committed, long-term relationships with either a man or a woman, depending on who they fall in love with.

Then there are some bisexuals who are polyamorous, and enjoy loving relationships with both men and women simultaneously.

There are lots of possibilities in life!


Finally does having Bi thoughts about sex with another man or even having casual sex actually mean your Bi or even Gay, does anyone know the answer?

As Kinsey noted in his famous study of sexual behavior in the human male, the three terms straight, bisexual, and gay are insufficient to describe the incredible range of human sexual diversity. That's why he used a seven-point scale to identify people along a more subtle continuum from totally straight (0) to gay-only (6). Everyone else (1-5) is to some degree bisexual, and Kinsey found that the majority of the population actually fall somewhere from 1-5 on the scale.

People often choose a label for political reasons, but the label often doesn't tell the whole story. There are "straight" men who sometimes have sex with men, "lesbians" who sometimes have sex with men, and even "gay" men who sometimes have sex with women.

Only you can decide what's right for you!

Check out the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid to explore this more in depth:

http://www.bisexual.org/en/klein/index.php

[TorontoGuy2007]

thanks for everyone who replied.

spartca, i especially enjoyed your commentary.. i think you are totally right about how i may have been brainwashed by society's views of things..

never thought i was susceptable to brain-washing, but looks like that's exactly what happened..

[spartca]

Thanks TorontoGuy! :)

You know I visited Toronto in June for 9icb.org and it's a really great place to explore your sexuality...

Aside from your awesome gay village, there are really good bisexual and polyamorous communities there! Check it out:

http://www.torontobinet.org/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TorontoPoly/
http://www.sensualforyou.com/poly/welcome.htm
http://www.bcholmes.org/poly/tpsg.html

Oh, and there is a surprisingly huge Human Awareness Institute (HAI) community in Toronto (so far away from Marin County, CA...;) - but let me save you some grief - they're not very inclusive to bisexual men...

Too bad you missed 9icb...