"One-sided" jealousy

[little clown]

Hi everyone,

I'm in a curious mood, so I thought I'd bother you with a few silly (?) questions. It's very well possible that someone has asked these questions before, but I'm too lazy right now to read everything that's ever been written in this forum to find out. :)

Scenario I:

You identify as bisexual and you're involved with someone who knows this.
Your lover gets jealous when (he/she thinks) you're interested in a man, but doesn't get jealous when (he/she thinks) you're interested in a woman.

or *:

You identify as bisexual and you're involved with someone who knows this.
Your lover gets jealous when (he/she thinks) you're interested in a woman, but doesn't get jealous when (he/she thinks) you're interested in a woman.

Questions:

Has this ever happened to you?

If so, how did you respond?

If not, how would you respond if it would happen?

Scenario II:

You're involved with someone.
Your lover gets annoyed when a man shows an interest in you, but doesn't when a woman is interested in you.

or *:

You're involved with someone.
Your lover gets annoyed when a woman shows an interest in you, but doesn't when a man is interested in you.

Questions:

Has this ever happened to you?

If so, how did you respond?

If not, how would you respond if it would happen?

* = Yes, I know I could have written "or vice versa" behind the examples, but I decided to type it all out. I guess, I'm in a less lazy mood than I thought I was :)

(In case you're curious. Scenario II has happened to me, but not recently.)

Take care,
Dani

:bibounce:

[Long Duck Dong]

lol ok

Scenario I:

You identify as bisexual and you're involved with someone who knows this.
Your lover gets jealous when she thinks you're interested in anybody, but she thinks she is entitled to show interest and sleep with anybody

for 6 years I dealt with this partner.. and the fights were very much one sided... i can develop a extraordinary ability to go deaf at times...
her argument was that I was her partner and so I had no right to look at other people....which i accepted, was a reasonable request...lol... until the affairs started... now i have a hide like a rhino, and a level of patience that saints pray for...

i was aware of her affairs... not that i cared.....but i started having my friends around... and of course she went off her nut over this...and my friends turned on her and put her in her place.....now my friends know that any partner of mine is under my protection and off limits, so my partner enjoyed a run of shit stirring behind my friends backs until the day i cut her lose....needless to say, my friends have watched her hit rock bottom and start digging lol

the thing is I have no issues with my partners having affairs... i choose not to have affairs... all i ask is for a lil respect and consideration for my partners and i will give back 10 fold.... but the day they walk out the day, they find the world has a bone or 6 to pick with them lol

Scenario II:

You're involved with someone.
Your lover gets annoyed when a person shows an interest in you

i have had this a number of times and I ain't no oil painting believe me....but i am told there is something about me that defies explanation and yeah i have people from around the world, ring me, travel to nz to visit etc... which i don't mind as long as they understand its strictly friendship only

my simple answer to my lovers is that they wanted to share my life, and the people are part of my life.. nobody is making my lovers stay, they can either stay and learn things, or leave of their own free will

now don't think my lovers are mistreated .... they are taken care of financial, i help them in any way i can... i help set them up for the day that the relationship ends and they move on... i will counsel them, help them with personal. friend and family matters etc....and in return, i simply ask that they don't try and change me... i am who and what i am and have been for years...they have only been in my life for a short time

i have decided that i don't need lovers / partners anymore.... i don't need the hassles tho i miss the special hugs and kisses that only love can bring.....but i also have a 16 year old cat... loyal as hell...and my best friend...he brings a smile to my face, a joy to my heart and a peace to my mind, that no partner can lol

[little clown]

Hi Long Duck Dong,

(...interesting screen name. It makes me see ducks in a completely different light ;))

I'm sorry to hear you've had such negative experiences in love.
Some of what you wrote seems quite familiar to me. The difference is that I have only put up with that kind of behavior for a brief period.
When I notice I'm dealing with someone who doesn't trust me, I break up with that person.
I probably have a lot of character flaws, but I am honest and I will not waste my time on people who don't trust me, so to me 6 years of fighting, disrespect and distrust seems like an eternity
I guess you used to love the woman you described a lot, huh?
Although I've been in several "relationship-like" situations, I haven't been in love yet (despite the fact that I'm 34) and it's probably a lot easier to say goodbye to someone who treats you badly when you're not in love with him or her. (But to be honest, I'm having a hard time imagining myself falling in love with someone who's insanely jealous and suspicious.)

I have no problems with polygamy either. I don't have a jealous cell in my body. I've had lovers who were seeing others and that was fine with me so long as they don't use double standards.
I've never been involved with more than one person at a time, but I want the freedom to do so.

I'm celibate too.
Although I've always loved life, and I've never felt sorry for myself about anything, I used to be extremely shy, insecure and self-conscious.
Although I wasn't promiscuous (I've "rejected" several people) I ended up having sex with (near) strangers, simply because I was stunned by the fact they wanted me. Not that I felt I owed them sex for wanting me, but I did have sex with people who didn't really turn me on because I wanted to be liked badly
To my surprise (I'm really not THAT great a person! ;)) most of my lovers wanted to see me again and in most cases I said yes. Wanting to be liked badly, I went out of my way to be there for them. (travel long distances, accompany them to events I didn't like at all, refuse to let them pay for anything, etc.), but as I got to know them better most of my lovers turned out to be people I wouldn't want to friends with To me, it doesn't make sense to be involved with to someone I can't relate to, so I broke up up with them. Some turned out to be jealous creeps and as I explained, I do not waste my time on people like that.
The others were friendly, but they wanted something from me I couldn't give them ....romantic love. I can be a friend, I can be a lover, but apparently I can't fall in love. I had no choice but to end it, I won't pretend to feel something I don't. It would be disrespectful toward both of us.

A few years ago I decided it was time for a change. I wouldn't have sex again until I felt comfortable about myself. And I would only have it with people who knock me off of my feet.

Nowadays, I feel a LOT better about myself, but despite this, I'm not ready to give up on my celibacy yet. Like you, I miss the kisses and the hugs (and sex itself), but I've learned I like things the way they are at the moment. I feel much more relaxed when I'm not involved with anyone and I'm not the kind of person who'd pick up a stranger just so I can have sex.
I'm not sure if I want to be celibate for life, but I do know that if I ever do decide to have sex again, it will be with someone who turns me on like crazy and it will be someone to whom jealousy is an alien concept :)

Best wishes to you and hugs to your cat ;)

Dani

[arana]

If you know you're bi when you get together with someone, you should let them know what it is you want. Don't make commitments to one person if you have a need for others.

If you are with a person who is ok with your bisexuality and you make a commitment to them I think it's natural they'd be jealous if you had a desire for another person that is the same sex they are. After all you chose them and they should be able to fill your needs for the opposite sex, it's the same sex needs they wouldn't be able to fill.

Communications is a big must and respect for each others feelings. Sometimes you just can't help what you feel. :2cents:

[little clown]

Originally posted by Arana:
If you are with a person who is ok with your bisexuality and you make a commitment to them I think it's natural they'd be jealous if you had a desire for another person that is the same sex they are. After all you chose them and they should be able to fill your needs for the opposite sex, it's the same sex needs they wouldn't be able to fill.

(Sorry, somehow I still can't get the "quotation box-function" to work.)

Hi Arana,

I think jealousy's an ugly thing, but I know most everyone get jealous from time to time.
Most people who are in love want a person to love them exclusively (sexually and otherwise). I guess being in love just triggers this in most people.
It might be part of our "biological programming".
Maybe I'm wrong to think that I couldn't be jealous of a "sexual rival".
Perhaps I'd get jealous of someone after having fallen in love. Who knows?

What I don't really understand is why people would feel more threatened by a "rival" who's the same sex as they are than by "rivals" who aren't.
To me it doesn't seem like a natural thing, but I guess that says more about me than anything else.
I keep reading in this forum how some people miss being with a man when they're with a woman (and vice versa), but I don't have that.
Due to anatomical differences, having sex with women is different from having sex with men (some of it, not all of it, and it's not better, not worse, just different).
Yet emotionally, I don't feel different about sex whether I have it with men or women.
What I'm trying to say (type actually :)) is that when I'm with someone, the fact that that certain sex acts cannot be performed due to the person's gender don't make long to be with someone else.
I can imagine myself having several lovers* at the same time, but not for "gender reasons". (if I decide to have sex again that is )
(* = I'm not referring to sex with more than person at at time, although I don't object to that either;))

There seem to be a lot of bisexuals people who have different feelings for men than for women, sexually and otherwise.
Obviously, there's nothing wrong with that, but I don't feel I want something different from men than I want from women.

On of the reasons why I visit forums is because I find it interesting to learn how others experience things.
I notice that in many cases my feelings and opinions differ from those of the majority. This applies to all kinds of subjects, not just topics related to love and sexuality. Now, I don't know why this fascinates me, but it does....

I guess, I went a but overboard with the use of parenthesis and quotation marks ...sorry about that.

So, I think I've typed everything I had to type on this subject...
(Are those sighs of relief I'm hearing? ;) )


Take care,
Dani

[arana]

Originally posted by Arana:
If you are with a person who is ok with your bisexuality and you make a commitment to them I think it's natural they'd be jealous if you had a desire for another person that is the same sex they are. After all you chose them and they should be able to fill your needs for the opposite sex, it's the same sex needs they wouldn't be able to fill.

(Sorry, somehow I still can't get the "quotation box-function" to work.)

Hi Arana,

I think jealousy's an ugly thing, but I know most everyone get jealous from time to time.
Most people who are in love want a person to love them exclusively (sexually and otherwise). I guess being in love just triggers this in most people.
It might be part of our "biological programming".
Maybe I'm wrong to think that I couldn't be jealous of a "sexual rival".
Perhaps I'd get jealous of someone after having fallen in love. Who knows?

Dani
It's good you keep your mind open and question things. Maybe when you fall in love it will answer some of those questions you have. Then again it may give you even more.

Sex and Love are two different things. When you put them together they can be magic. I wish I were the type that could say I don't get jealous and can separate the two when need be, but what your brain says and what your heart feels are often two different things and until you experience it you don't really know how you'll react to something. No one can tell you how you'll feel, only how they do. I do know one thing that holds true for the majority and that is jealousy can destroy a relationship if the people involved do not communicate and deal with it.

I wish you all the best Dani. I hope you have a lot of interesting adventures in your quest.

[darkeyes]

I do know one thing that holds true for the majority and that is jealousy can destroy a relationship if the people involved do not communicate and deal with it.

I wish you all the best Dani. I hope you have a lot of interesting adventures in your quest.

Trust me Rana is rite. Relationships can b beautiful and yet are always such fragile things that even the slightest misunderstanding far less hint of jealousy can tear them apart and the beautiful can become a tragic ugliness the scars of which we must carry until our dying day. It matters not whether there is foundation to the jealousy for jealousy is an unpredictable emotion which we can all so easily suffer and has been the cause of the end for so many loves and friendships. It has to be dealt with quickly and expiditiously, and with compassion or it will simply get out of hand. Some people are more prone to jealousy than others, and however meritted or illogical we must either end the relationshp or do all we can to allay the fears of our friend or lover if the relationship has any chance of survival. That means talking, reassuring and never doing ne thing which can give rise 2 any justification for a jealous reaction.

Some people are of course jealous by nature or conditioning for whatever reason and such instances are so difficult to deal with and to be honest short of therapy (of which Im not really a great enthusiast) Im not sure there is any other way.

I am not a hugely jealous person, but have suffered a few twinges of it in my life but have never allowed it to control my mind or my heart, and conseqences have been negligible. However I have been the cause of great jealousy and the consequences were such that the guilt and pain will forever stay with me. This tragedy was caused by my fear, and my selfishness, my inability to speak honestly and openly with the others involved. I was warned and advised by people who care for me that what I was doing was the pits, but I was led in the only direction I could see where the least injury would be caused. At least thats what I told myself. I lied to myself and to people I care so much for and my life led inexorably to disaster and loss. I had wanted my cake and eat it.. my experience shows what that gets us... mouldy bread and strichnine butter.