Invisibility

[Azrael]

This is one I seem to wrestle with quite a bit lately. I miss being manic because I was coming out to certain family members and friends and not giving a shit how they took it. Politely of course. My mom always says she doesn't care what I am but asks me why I have to "wear it on my sleeve" and talk about it. Noone who hasn't been in the closet knows how insane it can make you. Where the invisibility comes in is here. When I was seeing a guy for a while my mom was telling my family I had a new "friend". I have a girlfriend now, so aside from goofy slightly effete mannerisms I pass for straight. I find myself in so many situations where simple minded homo/biphobic nonsense makes my blood fucking boil. What makes this worse is how much of a pussy this makes me feel like for not asserting mine and other "deviants" rights to exist. There's a lot more to this. I want to spit and scream in the face of every person who's ever made me feel like shit about myself. In a lot of respects I've given up on my family. There are, however a few dear souls that give me hope for the future. My real family. My friends. I'll be back working in the trades before too long. I had a friend I used to install with who was also bi. Extremely homophobic environment we were in. He always told me not to let it fuck with me but to fuck with 'em back. There's gotta be a better way besides that or suck it up and self destruct. It's not that I can't handle the hard truth of what a painfully stupid world we live in. My spirit's just been somewhat broken by psychiatric medications. Gotta stop giving a shit about what people think. Arrgh :eek:

[Lorcan]

Ditto

Makes me feel like getting BISEXUAL tattooed on my forehead.

[LoveLion]

Aint it the truth.

So many times I just want to scream from a mountain that Im Bi, but I cant.
Damn all the ignorance and unaccepted. It has prevented me from coming out. I cant wait to get away from my family and home. Other then my sister, who I love more then anyone else in the world, everyone in my family is generating these fears in me and keeping me form begin honest with the world. I am dying to break out of this oppressive environment but just cant at the moment.

[Herbwoman39]

Hmm...and here I was wondering if anyone else but me felt like just blurting out. "I'm Bi so shut the @#$% up about it already"?

What got me to thinking about this is that at the end of January hubby and I are going on a 4 day cruise with my parents (the same parents that have no idea that I'm (a) Bi or (b) pagan). Then my mother is driving back from the port to spend 5 days with us. I have decided that I will not be hiding any of the books I keep in my bedroom bookshelf or on the shelves in the library/bird room.

I know at some point while we're on the cruise that some gorgeous bikini clad woman is going to walk past while I'm around my parents and I'm going to stare after here exclaiming quietly "Damn!!!!". And if they don't realize something is up then, Mom's probably going to see the books.

Since I refuse to hide who I am, it's likely to be an uncomfortable vacation for my Mom. *I* refuse to buy into any of their hangups and/or bullshit.

Thus I am tempted to say something like, "I'm bisexual. @#$%-ing deal with it."."

[twodelta]

My my, we're feelling awfully militant today. Can't say that I blame anyone though! And HerbWoman, You go girl! If at any time during Your time with Your Mom You find Yourself needing a hug, You know where to come - Dave

[IanBorthwick]

The whole hiding thing is beginning to grate on my nerves also. Can't stand the feeling of tiptoeing around other peoples dogma and "sense of morals" all day. I think I am a good, likable person...doing their part to remove as much suffering at I can from the world day after day. I give laughs and good advice, make people smile when they are down. I ask for and get NO reward for my hard works. More often than not I get a bucket of manure and a spoon for my troubles.

So I am back to the same old question: What's so wrong with me being me? This also means being, along with all that people take for granted, both Bisexual and not Christian. After all, when they assumed I was straight and Christian they took all I had offered and used it to benefit themselves well, healing their hurts or sickness. What is the goddam difference if I am not what they assumed? Is the failing on my part? NO!

On Pride day anyone around me is going to get an earful and if I hear one ounce of crap from anyone, even the gays who are supposed to be on our side, I am going to make sure they know what I am all about.

I am Sean Gonzalez, Thaumaturgist, Nutritionist, Comedian, Write and generally an all around nice guy who also happens to be BISEXUAL! Who has been stomped on like those boys in that school since I was 12! I beat the bullies, I beat the teachers and I'll be damned if I let anyone tell me I can't beat the attitude I've been getting because I don't measure up to their yardsticks because I am not Mono-sexual!

I may not be handsome but I have love to give and I WILL give it! No one is going to tell me where and when to show love! Whether it is my co-worker who is down in the dumps and I am the only one who understands her plight to the person buying vitamins with a frown that leaves with a smile I gave them.....right down to whether I love a man or a woman....

This is who I am! Love me or leave me, either way don't you dare try to stop me. Life is too short and I am sick of your rules tying knots in my chest, making me dance around like a monkey.

Who's with me? :bibounce:

[MrFahrenheit]

Hm. I'm lucky that my parents don't really care, nor my friends. Coming out to them was pretty easy in my case. Other people though, it's not really any of their business. I don't feel the need to let random people know of my sexual preference. They'll figure it out sooner or later.

As for homophobes, I just don't interact with them. A couple of my classmates are pretty homophobic, I just kinda ignore the fact they excist. Sometimes they'll ask why I'm being such a dick to them, and depending on how they react I'll either accept their apoligy or punch them in the face. :rolleyes:

[Herbwoman39]

WOW! YOU GO SEAN!! Don't take crap from folks. Life is WAY too short to spend one moment of it being unhappy. More importantly it's too short to spend not being yourself.

And so I say I am Maria Myrback, a 39 year old mother of two teenage sons. I am a Pagan, Hypnotherapist, Herbalist and Aromatherapist. I also just happen to be bisexual and I'm sick of this CRAP and I'm NOT gonna take it anymore!

Dave: Militant? No, just sick of feeling like I have to pretend to be something I'm not. I can guarantee you I'll probably be PMing you in late January asking for that hug :) Thanks sweetie.

Mr. Fahrenheit: I don't generally come out to perfect strangers either. I agree that it's not their business. You're lucky that you knew your parents would be accepting. I think mine will be too. I'm just not looking forward to explaining about stereotypes and all that crap if the topic comes up.

[MrFahrenheit]

Mr. Fahrenheit: I don't generally come out to perfect strangers either. I agree that it's not their business.

I think coming out to strangers or people you only vaguely know is much like a heterosexual person walking up to you and saying "Hey, I'm straight.".

In most cases it's simply not relevant.

[LoveLion]

Its not the strangers that bother me about coming out, but the people close to me. My parents say that they are open to things like homosexuality and gay marriage so I assume that tolerance extends to bisexuals as well. When i do tell them I think they will say they are ok with it, but Im terrified that my friends and family will act differently towards me. I wanna say things like "Im Bi and I dont care what anyone thinks of me and if you dont like it then shove it!" but Its really not all that true. I do care what the people I love think of me, and I dont want the time we are together to be awkward. My best friend who I have been loyal friends with since primary school is quite Christian, homophobic and someone of a prude. I dont know how he would take it but Im guessing it would not be well. I cant imagine breaking off my friendship with him and I am certain that if not completely dieing, our friendship would be severely damaged by me telling him im Bi. I dont know if it is worth losing such a long and meaningful friendship over. I also know my brother will not take me well, as he is somewhat of a homophobe as well. The only person Im sure will accept me and love me fully no matter what is my big sister, whom I am planning on visiting in Scotland later this year. I am fully planning on telling her first and going from there, but it is so far away (geographically and time wise), i dont know if I can last till then.

[Lorcan]

I think coming out to strangers or people you only vaguely know is much like a heterosexual person walking up to you and saying "Hey, I'm straight.".

In most cases it's simply not relevant.

It's not exactly the same because straight people don't have to fight "straight-ophobia".

[FerociousFeline]

Hmmm....what can I say?
I've been "Invisible" all my life. I'm fairly used to it at this point. I agree that sometimes I experience an overwhelming urge to just shock the living bejesus out of everyone around me who has even hinted about the fact that they are unevolved one dimensional cortex's, but in the end, I find they aren't worth my effort. As a matter of fact, they aren't worth my pain, either. I live in a world (speaking about my local personal sphere of influence) where it isn't a question of a few homophobes here or there, it's pretty much ALL of the people I live and work around. For me, it's really about freedom. Don't get me wrong, I am not hiding from them. I'm just not ASSISTING them into putting me into any of their nice neat little BOXES with a colorful label attached (you know, the one that says: Don't take this person seriously, or, Damaged Goods, or too strange for promotion etc.)

On the contrary. I find that I can actually do MUCH more damage to their little minds if I am accepted, then I am free to bend their minds many many times over. ; ) I'm like the little devil on their shoulder, and when they start talking homophobic shit, I tell them how attractive they really are. I remind them of what a good person they are and how I'm REALLY HAPPY to be able to be around them and learn from them. The more I make these people realize I am no different than they are, the less threatened they are of me. The less threatened they are of me, the less they will be freaked out if any of them ever gets wise. If I find my own kind, then there usually isn't any need for any type of ritualistic ceremonial territory dance. I just look them in the eye and watch the way that they move, and I know. (or at least I think I do) Meanwhile, in a world that seems to want to strip every single bit of mystery or mystic away from us.....I find I am mischieviously happy to have my personal little secret. It's a way of saying to them, "Uh huh yeah yeah yeah....you'd know one of those weirdos a MILE AWAY would ya? Gosh! I'm glad!....and be sure and TELL ME if you see one of 'em okay?"

In this mannor I treat those small minds who are not WORTHY of knowing the details of my personal life with the relevance that they richly deserve.

or maybe I'm just evil? LOL
^..^~

[bigirl_inwv]

I came out to all my friends here at school. The way I figured was that if they didn't like it they weren't very good friends to begin with. My fiance GLADLY accepted it. lol.

I never officially came out to my parents. I had been blogging about it on Myspace and they read it. They never said much about it. My mom said "For someone who is bisexual, you write alot about how much you hate girls." Which is true, a good percentage of my blogs say something along the lines of girls being vindictive and evil. lol. (But damn if I dont LOVE having sex with them!!)

So I guess they accept it. I don't know. They haven't treated me any differently. I just assume it's like the military: Don't ask, Don't tell.

[twodelta]

Dave: Militant? No, just sick of feeling like I have to pretend to be something I'm not. I can guarantee you I'll probably be PMing you in late January asking for that hug :) Thanks sweetie.

perhaps "militant" was a bit harsh, but it was said tongue in cheek. :bigrin: Hope you have fun in January, hugs are standing by - Dave

[IanBorthwick]

Personally, I have no plans to shove it in anyone's face. I will not, however, hide it from anyone except my Boss. I need my job and one day I will tell him since if he wants to fire me over it I'll end up owning his business.

The whole point of the Pride festival in Long Beach last year was the theme "We Belong". Even in the gay community we seem tolerated more than anythign despite the fact that we are treated as badly as they are. But it's true...We Belong. We have a place even the Christians have to accept. I forget which part of the Bible it's in, but I am sure someone can find it. It went something like,"Who are you to question what God has wrought?" then it goes on to talk about people who are different, ugly, malformed, mad, and even sexually different depending on the version you read.

So even for those who Bible thump, they have to admit We Belong.

Is that too much to expect?

[MrFahrenheit]

It's not exactly the same because straight people don't have to fight "straight-ophobia".

What I was talking about was the relevance of someone's sexual orientation when talking to someone you only vaguely know. The biphobia issue shouldn't even come into play when talking to strangers, because there's no reason for them to know about it.

The "Hey, I'm straight." thing was merely an example I used to show how odd it is to tell random people about your sexual orientation, seeing as there's no reason for them to know.

I know some gay men who are very vocal about their sexuality. I dislike them. The problem is not the fact that they like men, it's that they feel the need to reassure people they are different. The way I see it, it's almost like they are boasting about it. My straight friends (who know I'm bi and have no problem with it) get the same idea, so we are 'homophobes' when it comes to these two gay men. So in a way, unnesecarilly expressing your sexual orientation can provoke dislike towards bisexuals/gays.

I think "straight-ophobia" doesn't really excist, but think about the overly hetero guy. The man that comments on every pair of tits he sees. A lot of people dislike this type for being way too heterosexual (I think there's a thread on this subject too...). He's being annoying by expressing his interest in the opposite sex too much. Just like many bisexuals/gays annoy others by expressing their interest in the same sex too much.

Let me define "too much". Too much is when you let a random person know you are bisexual. You are directly expressing your sexual preference. Which will probably have the same effect on non-biphobes as a straight man commenting on every single woman in the room. He is indirectly expressing his sexual preference. The other person is being confronted with your sexual preference. No matter if you are straight, bi or gay this could make people you only vaguely know uneasy.

Of course, this is different from plain bi/homophobia.

However, this is just the conclusion I've drawn based on what I've observed and personally experienced. I'm not claiming it's the absolute truth. :tong:

[izzfan]

Yeah, I was well and truly in the closet before I went to university and I know what you mean about it being able to make you go mad (I noticed that I am a bit less paranoid about things these days, but I am mostly still in the closet about being a TV/CD and this still gets me a tad paranoid)...so ignore any comments about "Wearing it on your sleeve" after you have come out, most of the ppl who say this have never had the chance to come out in their lives (as they are usually totally 'straight' or they are very deep in the closet themselves).
As for biphobia, it is damn annoying. I have never experienced violent, hateful biphobia, transphobia or homophobia but I have experienced the subtle form of it numerous times and some of the time it is out of ignorance but other times, people think that it is funny. Here are a few examples:

- One of my mates from home calling me a 'poof' when I told him over MSN that I now wear nail polish (nail polish is very cool...it shouldn't just be for girls lol)
- Comments from various gay blokes I know when I told them that I was Bi, sort of "You're confused", "Oh, I guess I'll try not to make too many comments about it [this was said mildly disdainfully]" and one time when I came out to someone (at a LGBT event, albeit a rather small one...but the first one of what would be many others) that I was a TV/CD he just said "oh no, not one of them" before apologising.
- The WORST form of biphobia for me is when people sort of say "Oh, you're not bisexual, you're gay"....this pisses me off a lot! Its as if they know my sexuality a lot better than I do... some of the ppl who have said this to me have only met me briefly one time before and don't even know me well....although one of their comments prompted me to join this site [eg; when someone guessed my sexuality just because I requested a song by 'the offspring' at an LGBT disco]. I mean, ok I have only been with men so far but I still find women attractive and I would hardly say that I am 'only attracted to men'...therefore I am bisexual.

Yeah, let's get militant! Sort of actually flying the Bi flag at LGBT events might be a start. As for whether I am vocal with my sexuality, I am at LGBT events...people usually assume that I am gay/straight and I need to correct that, but I don't generally make a huge show of it unless it is necessary. But yeah, the point about 'straight-o-phobia' (heterophobia) is that it isn't widespread in society and str8 ppl dont understand what it is like having to be in the closet or have comments made about your sexuality (both srt8 and gay ppl have made comments about my bisexuality).

Just my :2cents:

Izzfan :flag3:

[Azrael]

(I noticed that I am a bit less paranoid about things these days, but I am mostly still in the closet about being a TV/CD and this still gets me a tad paranoid)...so ignore any comments about "Wearing it on your sleeve" after you have come out, most of the ppl who say this have never had the chance to come out in their lives (as they are usually totally 'straight' or they are very deep in the closet themselves).
Yeah, my mom threw away all my women's clothing while I was in a mental hospital, and my uncle gave me some stupid book emphasizing "traditional values" and drove across the state just to insult me and say "Really, Tom, it's not natural". Knowing oneself, it is the sweetest pain, no?


As for biphobia, it is damn annoying. I have never experienced violent, hateful biphobia, transphobia or homophobia but I have experienced the subtle form of it numerous times and some of the time it is out of ignorance but other times, people think that it is funny.
Gotta love being the only person not laughing, eh?



- Comments from various gay blokes I know when I told them that I was Bi, sort of "You're confused", "Oh, I guess I'll try not to make too many comments about it [this was said mildly disdainfully]" and one time when I came out to someone (at a LGBT event, albeit a rather small one...but the first one of what would be many others) that I was a TV/CD he just said "oh no, not one of them" before apologising.
- The WORST form of biphobia for me is when people sort of say "Oh, you're not bisexual, you're gay"....this pisses me off a lot!
Been there, done that.


Yeah, let's get militant! Sort of actually flying the Bi flag at LGBT events might be a start. As for whether I am vocal with my sexuality, I am at LGBT events...people usually assume that I am gay/straight and I need to correct that, but I don't generally make a huge show of it unless it is necessary. But yeah, the point about 'straight-o-phobia' (heterophobia) is that it isn't widespread in society and str8 ppl dont understand what it is like having to be in the closet or have comments made about your sexuality (both srt8 and gay ppl have made comments about my bisexuality).
Exactly. Fuckin' A right! I'm Tom Mitchell, a skilled tradesman, mental patient and a proud bisexual. Fuck silence, fuck being a sheep, fuck living in fear
:cool:

[izzfan]

Thanks for the reply Azrael, it is really inspiring, I especially liked the line :"Fuck silence, fuck being a sheep, fuck living in fear " that should be a mantra for everyone. But,I feel like I should be the one that should b giving u encouragement cos u had a much worse time than me...as for relatives, some can be traditional. Personally, I blame organised religion . I've never experienced it to the extent that you have.... eg: I think my mum knows about my CD/TV side but she is more tolerant than accepting...also my parents seem to hold some outdated ideas eg; when I originally told my mum [I try not to talk about LGBT stuff to my dad cos although he isn't probably homophobic/biphobic/transphobic, he would probably be 'disappointed' in me...I doubt that he would hate me about it tho] that I had a sex life she seemed ok with it, the instant that I mentioned that other men were involved...she seemed to think that I would instantly get AIDS [I mean, you can get AIDS from women as well, you know and I had to tell her that I have never had anyone cum inside of me (to put it so frankly)]. At least my parents aren't full of 'traditoinal family values' or any of that crap. As for my mates back home, I have only come out to one of them and he is on a gap year at the moment. Again, my mates from back home kept on pestering me over MSN and asking me if I was still a virgin [I was somewhat asexual in college due to being in the closet and in the early days, probably in denial of the fact that I didn't actually want to shag women, I was still attracted to them...hence bisexual, then there was the self-loathing/paranoia about my TV/CD side which I knew about since I was 13! I only realised how good same sex encounters can be when I was 17/18...not a good experience overall and something that thankfully most youth won't have to experience] finally this annyed me to the point where I described a few of my sexual experiences in non-gender specific terms just to stop them pestering me and viewing me as an asexual [I wanted to get away from THOSE days once and for all] they assumed that I had been with women so I was faced with a choice and I reckon that I made the wrong decison by going along with this cos I'll probs have to meet them at Christmas and end up living a lie once again.....fun. Then there is the hangover from repressing the TV/CD side [ I have only dressed in public 2-3 times in my life and all have been since I have been @ uni, in the past 11-12 weeks...back home it was my secret 'shame' and I always used to dress in my room, at night, in secrecy. For me, buying clothes was probably more scary than buying drugs is for some people, I was actually trembling when I bought my first dress at the age of 16]... the dislike/distrust of women, many of my fantasies involving the suppression of the feminine [basically 'straight' BDSM... which hasn't exaclty helped me in terms of getting rid of self-loathing or gaining confidence around women. Seriously, women have asked me why I can never seem to look them in the eye, I can't tell them the real reason why ], always being very secretive, excessive masturbation (eg: actually leading to bruising) etc.... the closet can really fuck you up! Which is why we need more support for Bisexual and Trans youth [gay and lesbian youth still face problems but are more likely to be able to get support] and the only way that we can do this is by gaining more visibility of bisexual and trans issues. SO as I said before, fly the Bi Flag! Fly the Trans flag! and show people that we do exist!

Sorry if this ended up going a little off topic

Izzfan :flag3:

[ancestral]

ok, this is a tough one for anyone to deal with, i know it pisses you off that people are prejudice, that people cant accept the way you live, and you cant decide whether or not to come out, to suck it up, or to start knocking people out.
my question is, why would you want to work so hard to change peoples minds? prejudice is naturally rebellious, the more you fight, the tighter people grab hold of their beliefs. my saving grace is i have accepted the fact that there will always be someone out there who hates you for something, you cant avoid this, and you cant change these peoples minds, what you can do is drive yourself insane or worse, sink yourself into serious depression by trying to fight these people, prejudice is comprised of fanaticals who dont understand why they hate, they just do with all their being, kind of like terrorists. my advice, lovingly accept those who openly accept you, do you need to scream to the world what your preferences are? no, that just begs for trouble, think about what would happen if people started screaming they were hetero.. everone would assume they are closet fags.....forgive those who blindly hate, walk away, forget about them and live your own life in whatever manner makes you happy, if your busy thinking about them your giving them power over you because your life is focused on what they are doing, meanwhile, most likely, they arent thinking about you one little bit except when they actually see your face. <shrug> just my opinion.

[twodelta]

my advice, lovingly accept those who openly accept you, do you need to scream to the world what your preferences are? no, that just begs for trouble, think about what would happen if people started screaming they were hetero.. everone would assume they are closet fags.....forgive those who blindly hate, walk away, forget about them and live your own life in whatever manner makes you happy, if your busy thinking about them your giving them power over you because your life is focused on what they are doing, meanwhile, most likely, they arent thinking about you one little bit except when they actually see your face. <shrug> just my opinion.

Well said ancestral, I agree with You 100% - Dave

[Azrael]

The whole "out" thing is a fine line indeed. I was more driving at being out insofar as standing up to people who try to make others feel like shit about themselves. This quite often takes the form of family. I have no interest in changing people's minds, as this would lead me on some insane egotistical revamp the world in my image trip. Rather, I want people to be respectful, plain and simple. As respectful as they expect others to be. I don't care if people are put off by my manic depression, my sexual preferences or even the fact that I haven't gone to college or that I have long hair. Even people who sort of look down on me for these things I can have fruitful conversations and relationships with, provided they're tactful about how they express themselves. We're not all going to agree or get along or especially like one another. We can, however carry ourselves in a civilized manner as an example for the younger generation to follow. I don't scream "I'm Bi!!!", but I'll be damned if I deny it. That led to my first psychotic episode. Vive le difference!

[LoveLion]

I just "Came out" to my first person today. I havent told anyone else but her and she is going to keep it a secret. She was a friend who called me on the weekend and told me she really likes me and wants to start something. I told her that I wasnt really sure about how I felt right now, but that I would certainly like to go on a date or two to see what happens. I also felt that I owed it to her to tell her I was Bi, and thankfully she seemed totally cool about it. I dont think in scared her off or anything. Anyways it was a good step towards "Truly coming out". Still not sure If I really like her romantically though (More details on my topic "More then Friends")

[ancestral]

well done lovelion, im glad she took it well, azreal i do agree with you, it would be great if everyone on the planet could look past all our differences and treat each other with respect and kindness, will it happen? one can only hope that someday it will, i do see more and more tolerance throughout the years, its nice to see and does give at least some hope that humanity has a chance to thrive instead of just surviving.thanks dave, its a pleasure to meet you.