I SO need to laugh... anyone got any jokes

[biandu]

I ran across this one recently---

YOU GOTTA LIKE OLD PEOPLE!

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."



okay I know.. i normally prefer rauchiness.. but damn..at 87 if i can still push someone off a 20th floor balcony... I'd fore go the pushing..and i'd join the couple in the bed! Just my thoughts about it!...

[biandu]

oh man.. i was hoping for some more jokes..

nasty raunchy jokes...

[NWMtnHawk]

When I was 14 all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.

When I was 16, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and
threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

At 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She
rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad,
impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met.
She made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I
decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground and married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now I am 42, and all I want is a girl with big breasts.

[NWMtnHawk]

Two cowboys are drinking in a bar that has a restaurant when a woman sitting at a table eating her dinner stands up obviously in distress. One of the cowboys walks over and calmly asks' the woman, "Are you all right?" She shakes her head no. He asks', "Can you talk?" Again her head shakes no. "Can you breath?" Same shake of the head, so he promptly drops to his knees, turns her around, lifts her dress and proceeds to lick her from the back of her knee, up her inner thigh, up the crack of her ass, and into the small of her back. She is so shocked she coughs out the piece of food stuck in her throat. The cowboy goes back to the bar and sits down next to his partner. The partner says, "You know, that's the first time I've ever actually seen that 'Hind Lick' maneuver performed."

[NWMtnHawk]

THINGS YOU CAN SAY AT THANKSGIVING AND GET AWAY WITH.

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip Time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

[smokey]

George Bush Dies and goes to hell where he's greeted by the devil who says:
"I don't know what to do with you. You're supposed to be here but we're full up and have no more room. I guess what I'm going to have to do is find someone who hasn't been as bad as you, let them go and have you take their place. To be fair though, I am going to let you chose who it will be."
"Cool! I can handle that." Says Bush.
So, the Devil opens a door and there is Richard Nixon waist deep in a pool of water. Suddenly a clawed hand reaches up and pulls Nixon under. There is a thrashing about and Nixon comes bobbing up to the surface gasping for air before the clawed hand pulls him under again.
"Bush scratches his head and say: "Well ya know I've never been much of a swimmer so I'll pass on that one."
"Very Well" says the Devil and closes the door and opens another one. There stands Tony Blair with a big pile of rocks and a sledge hammer and he spends eternity breaking rocks.
"Bush rubs his shoulder and says: "Well I got this bad shoulder so I think I'll pass on that one as well."
"Very well" says the Devil and closes the door and opens another one.
There is a huge bed in the room and lying nude on it is Bill Clinton and bent over him is Monica, doing what she does best.
Bush smiles and says, "I can hang with that."
The Devil smiles and says "Very well...Monica, you can go now."

[biandu]

George Bush Dies and goes to hell where he's greeted by the devil who says:
"I don't know what to do with you. You're supposed to be here but we're full up and have no more room. I guess what I'm going to have to do is find someone who hasn't been as bad as you, let them go and have you take their place. To be fair though, I am going to let you chose who it will be."
"Cool! I can handle that." Says Bush.
So, the Devil opens a door and there is Richard Nixon waist deep in a pool of water. Suddenly a clawed hand reaches up and pulls Nixon under. There is a thrashing about and Nixon comes bobbing up to the surface gasping for air before the clawed hand pulls him under again.
"Bush scratches his head and say: "Well ya know I've never been much of a swimmer so I'll pass on that one."
"Very Well" says the Devil and closes the door and opens another one. There stands Tony Blair with a big pile of rocks and a sledge hammer and he spends eternity breaking rocks.
"Bush rubs his shoulder and says: "Well I got this bad shoulder so I think I'll pass on that one as well."
"Very well" says the Devil and closes the door and opens another one.
There is a huge bed in the room and lying nude on it is Bill Clinton and bent over him is Monica, doing what she does best.
Bush smiles and says, "I can hang with that."
The Devil smiles and says "Very well...Monica, you can go now."


omfg.. that was great.. laughing out loud..

[biandu]

THINGS YOU CAN SAY AT THANKSGIVING AND GET AWAY WITH.

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip Time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?


BABY-- all of those jokes.. were great... just what i needed....
and now I'm completely armed for thanksgiving!.... wink..
damn fine.. humor.

mmmmmmmm

[gotastiffy]

2 gay guys were walking down the street heading to the store to get some items for dinner. All of a sudden, one exclaims excitedly, "I SMELL DICK!!!!".
The other one replies. Nah, I just burped.

[mrandmrs]

Answering the age old question.....

A chicken and an egg are together in bed, the chicken rolls over and strikes up a smoke and says..."Well I guess we answered that question".

:bigrin: :eek:

[yoyo4u]

oh man.. i was hoping for some more jokes..

nasty raunchy jokes...

I think I can handle that........

Hansel and Gretel walk in the forest, when Hansel pleads: "Hold on Gretel, lets lay down for a minute".
She suspectingly replies with a firm "NO! YOu know Mom said not to stop".
"OK" he further tries "Lets sit down than for a quick moment"
The answer remains the same........
Final attempt: "Gretel, lets squat than, hopefully you can do that?"
"Oh I gues I can do that" and she did.

There was not a second passed, Hansel was already in her panties trying to find the prize, when absolutely stone-faced he screamed: "Gretel! You are a boy!"

"NO, I thought since I squat, I might as well take a dump" she replied


love to be at your service
yoyo

:)

[Bi_Jay]

3 ducks die and go to heaven, they walk up to the gates and there is a man standing there. The first duck walks up and the man asks "befor I let you into heaven do you have any sins that you would like to confess?". And so the duck sais "I blew bubbles in the pond." The man sais "gas is not a sin, you may inter" and he lets the duck into heaven.

The second duck walks up to the man and the man asks the same question, "do you have any sin that you would like to confess?" And the duck sais "I blew bubbles in the pond." once again the man tells the duck that gas is not a sin and lets him inter heaven. Finaly the third duck walks up and is dressed like a pimp and sais to the man standing by the gate "Hi im Bubbles!"

[biandu]

2 gay guys were walking down the street heading to the store to get some items for dinner. All of a sudden, one exclaims excitedly, "I SMELL DICK!!!!".
The other one replies. Nah, I just burped.


Haha.. ah burrrrrp.... don't remember eating tuna.. ewwww! oh wait... oooopsss sorry honey!

lol
thanks for that

[biandu]

Answering the age old question.....

A chicken and an egg are together in bed, the chicken rolls over and strikes up a smoke and says..."Well I guess we answered that question".

:bigrin: :eek:


LOL... ty mr&mrs. nice to see you here... and about.

[biandu]

love to be at your service
yoyo

:)




Okay forgive me.. the joke was great.... BUT that line.. gave me a tingle..

yummm... just call me Mistress Biandu! wink!

mmmmmmmmmmmm

[biandu]

3 ducks die and go to heaven, they walk up to the gates and there is a man standing there. The first duck walks up and the man asks "befor I let you into heaven do you have any sins that you would like to confess?". And so the duck sais "I blew bubbles in the pond." The man sais "gas is not a sin, you may inter" and he lets the duck into heaven.

The second duck walks up to the man and the man asks the same question, "do you have any sin that you would like to confess?" And the duck sais "I blew bubbles in the pond." once again the man tells the duck that gas is not a sin and lets him inter heaven. Finaly the third duck walks up and is dressed like a pimp and sais to the man standing by the gate "Hi im Bubbles!"



NICE..... thank you. G-d you know this community always comes through for me... have a great one baby..

[GreenEyedLady(GEL)]

This woman walks into a tattoo parlor says shes wants a tattoo of Elvis on her inner thigh.. The artist says sure. No Problem...So they go thru the whole process , she looks down at her thigh and says ."This doesnt look anything at all like Elvis" So..trying to please his customer he offers her a second tat on the opposite thigh free of charge...After going thru the entire process a second time , the lady starts to bitch saying the second tat looks identical to the first, and leaves pissed off. So shes walking down an ally , see's an old drunk fella sitting against a building. She walks over to him and says " Hey Mr. " lifting up up her skirt , spreading her legs a little " Who do these tats remind you of " he looks at her oddly , thinking....Finally he says " Im not sure about the twins there, but the one in the middle with the beard and bad breath reminds me of Willy Nelson"

[biandu]

OMFG

that was great greeny.... damn sure made me laugh out loud...

thanks for that.. kisses.. lots of em

[yoyo4u]

This woman walks into a tattoo parlor says shes wants a tattoo of Elvis on her inner thigh.. The artist says sure. No Problem...So they go thru the whole process , she looks down at her thigh and says ."This doesnt look anything at all like Elvis" So..trying to please his customer he offers her a second tat on the opposite thigh free of charge...After going thru the entire process a second time , the lady starts to bitch saying the second tat looks identical to the first, and leaves pissed off. So shes walking down an ally , see's an old drunk fella sitting against a building. She walks over to him and says " Hey Mr. " lifting up up her skirt , spreading her legs a little " Who do these tats remind you of " he looks at her oddly , thinking....Finally he says " Im not sure about the twins there, but the one in the middle with the beard and bad breath reminds me of Willy Nelson"

So what happened to Don King?

:bigrin: :bigrin: :bigrin:

[bivision]

An old cowhand and the new greenhorn on the ranch were riding along the fence line one day. The old cowhand spots a sheep stuck with her head in the fence. He gets down off his horse and walks over to the sheep. He looks back at the greenhorn and smiles as he unzips his pants and begins to hump the sheep. A little while passes and the old cowhand finishes and begins to pull up his pants. He looks up at the greenhorn and says "I bet you would like some of that" the young greenhorn responds " I sure do! but I aint sticking my head in no fence!"

[Bi_Jay]

This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.

The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".

So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"

So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.

So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"

The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .

When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"

[biandu]

" I sure do! but I aint sticking my head in no fence!"



HAHAHA!.... excellent..roflmao..

[biandu]

This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.

The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".

So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"

So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.

So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"

The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .

When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"


OMFG.. I laughed out loud.. so loud... my kid is wondering wtf is wrong with me... LOL..

you folks are cheering me the fuck up! and i thank you.
maggie.

[biandu]

Don King... to me the name itself is redundant.. doncha think?



Hi yoyo... glad to see you around. best wishes baby. maggie.

[billy_campbell]

http://tinyurl.com/4yx2z

[yoyo4u]

A car pulls up to the curbside and the following quick and loud conversation is overheard by a little boy on his scooter.....

Guy: "Wanna fuck?"
"NO!" she replies
Guy: "Then get out of may car!"

The little boy doesn't understand it at all!

Rides up to the neighbors' little girl and asks her:"Wanna fuck?"
Without any hesitation she says "Yeaaah!"
Confusion sets in and a few seconds later the little boy says: "Well, than here is my scooter!"

yoyo :tongue:

[izzfan]

A bloke goes into a bar and orders a shot of tequila, he drinks it quickly and then orders another one. After his sixth tequila, the bartender comes up to him and says "Wow, you're drinking a lot, are you celebrating something?", the bloke turns to the bartender and says: "Yeah, I had my first blowjob today". A smile crosses the bartender's face and he says: "Well done mate, here have another tequila on the house" the bloke knocks back the free shot of tequila.
Finally, the bartender turns to the bloke and asks: "Just one question, why are you drinking tequila to celebrate? Usually people drink beer to celebrate things"
The bloke turns to him and says: "If this won't take the taste away then nothing will"

[biandu]

http://tinyurl.com/4yx2z



HAHA!.... clever... thank you baby!

[biandu]

A car pulls up to the curbside and the following quick and loud conversation is overheard by a little boy on his scooter.....

Guy: "Wanna fuck?"
"NO!" she replies
Guy: "Then get out of may car!"

The little boy doesn't understand it at all!

Rides up to the neighbors' little girl and asks her:"Wanna fuck?"
Without any hesitation she says "Yeaaah!"
Confusion sets in and a few seconds later the little boy says: "Well, than here is my scooter!"

yoyo :tongue:


he's lucky he got away with just handing her the scooter.... wink..

[biandu]

"If this won't take the taste away then nothing will"


OMFG
that was great.. laughed out loud.. hard!


thank you so much.

[meteast chick]

This is an oldie but a goodie...

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.

I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[biandu]

This is an oldie but a goodie...

I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."



Yes, classic. Classic for a reason..it's good!


thanks for this baby.

[NiagaraMan]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were sitting in a bar drinking a beer when a man comes in and says, "Who owns the big white horse outside"? The Lone Ranger replies, "I do...Why"? The man says, "He looks pretty sick Mister". The Lone Ranger and Tonto rush outside and there is Silver laying on the ground panting and sweating. "Tonto...Go find some water quick", said the Lone Ranger. Tonto goes and find some water and pretty soon Silver is standing and looking better. "He still looks pretty hot Tonto", said the Ranger, "Run around Silver in a circle and see if you can create a breeze to cool him off". "Yes Kemosabi", replied Tonto. He starts running real fast around the horse so the Lone Ranger goes back inside to finish his beer. A short time later a man walks in and says..."Who owns the big white horse outside"? "I do", said the Lone Ranger...."Why"? The man says..."You left your injun runnin'".

[biandu]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were sitting in a bar drinking a beer when a man comes in and says, "Who owns the big white horse outside"? The Lone Ranger replies, "I do...Why"? The man says, "He looks pretty sick Mister". The Lone Ranger and Tonto rush outside and there is Silver laying on the ground panting and sweating. "Tonto...Go find some water quick", said the Lone Ranger. Tonto goes and find some water and pretty soon Silver is standing and looking better. "He still looks pretty hot Tonto", said the Ranger, "Run around Silver in a circle and see if you can create a breeze to cool him off". "Yes Kemosabi", replied Tonto. He starts running real fast around the horse so the Lone Ranger goes back inside to finish his beer. A short time later a man walks in and says..."Who owns the big white horse outside"? "I do", said the Lone Ranger...."Why"? The man says..."You left your injun runnin'".


FUCKER!
funny.. totally not pc... and i'm okay with that..
talk to you later.

[codybear3]

I believe I've posted this one here on this site on another thread, but here it is for you anyhow... :paw: :paw:

These two gay guys are taking a shower together. One
guy is giving the other the business from behind.
The phone rings and the one guy says, "I have to take
this phone call. I"ll be right back. But while I'm gone,
don't come, okay?"
So he goes to take his phone call and when he goes back
there is cum all over the walls, all over the shower
curtain. Just cum all over the place. He says to the
other guy, "I told you not to come." The other guy says,
"I didn't. I farted"...

[biandu]

O h
M y
F cking
G-D

that was fucking funny!

it stopped me in my tracks.. thank you baby... long time no see -btfw!