Funny things that have happened to you

[BikerJimLV]

I was experimenting with a suction cup dildo on the edge of the tub. The first two inches are manageable but then it gets thicker. I'm a bit of a novice but I was doing my best to get the entire length inside. Well, I can't seem to get over the hump (pun intended) after 20 minutes so I give up and take it out. I stand up in the shower then I hear plop plop. I look down and realize that although I took a shit earlier I wasn't completely clean. I started laughing and realized how lucky that it happened in the tub instead of my man cave. I would have had a hell of a time trying to explain why there's poop on the carpet with no pets.

[KDaddy23]

The first time I used a dildo on myself, I... had a hard time getting it out of me. I realized that it wasn't as well lubed as I had thought and I'd been having so much fun with it that it never occurred to me to re-lube it. It took me almost ten minutes to get it out without hurting myself. I was just glad that my wife wasn't home; if she had seen my predicament, I would have never been able to live it down.

[Jozyxt]

Looks like dildo stories are the funny thing. I played with many things that I shouldn't have in places that I shouldn't have been doing it but sadly have no embarrassing story to tell.

[BikerJimLV]

KDaddy, you got me cracking up. Plus I appreciate the tip.

[KDaddy23]

KDaddy, you got me cracking up. Plus I appreciate the tip.

Trust me, it was only funny after I got it out; what would make it even funnier was recalling something we used to say as kids when someone (another kid) asked how old we were and the answer was, "Old enough to fuck without getting stuck!" And here I got stuck... fucking myself. And, yes, getting stuck in a girl was a real thing but one rarely got stuck fucking a guy in the ass.

[Long Duck Dong]

Used methol lube on a female when she wanted anal sex..... and yes methol lube is sold by durex.....

She moaned the next day about still feeling the effects of it, and I replied with why? having minty fresh farts ????


It did not burn her but it did create a interesting feel for her

[hung4you]

I was feeling naughty and adventurous one day and put in my trusty butt plug, and decided I was going to wear it to town to do some shopping, as I walked around the WalMart it was tickling my prostate and I cummed in my pants and once it starts I can’t stop it. There was a huge wet spot in my crotch and I knew other people were noticing it as well. I won’t do that again. LOL

[BiProbeBabe]

Yes, use copious amounts of lube!

[cornholejoe]

i was fucking my girlfriend in the ass and then i felt a tonugelicking my asshole if was her poddle

[KDaddy23]

i was fucking my girlfriend in the ass and then i felt a tonugelicking my asshole if was her poddle

I was chowing down on my lady's pussy and our cat had gotten into the room and wanted a close-up look at what I was doing. I'm eating her and the next thing I hear is... purring in my ear!

[mtnmen2]

It's not a dildo story but I was out of town on a business trip in PA and had met a guy on doublelist and he wanted me to wear the dress when he showed up. So he came to the back door and I went out to let him in and it shut behind me. My key wouldn't open it and I had to walk all the the way to the lobby and past the night clerk, which gave me this wry little smile and back down to let him in. Oh well the cock was definitely worth the embarrassment.

[BikerJimLV]

Cornhole, you gotta stop putting peanut butter there. Lol.

[BikerJimLV]

Mtnmen, it doesn't have to be a dildo story. Anything you feel that was funny and feel like sharing.

[Long Duck Dong]

I was chowing down on my lady's pussy and our cat had gotten into the room and wanted a close-up look at what I was doing. I'm eating her and the next thing I hear is... purring in my ear!

cats are too bloody nosy lol..... we have had to remove them from the bedroom when having sex because they either put their nose where it should not go, decided to curl up on us and go to sleep or a few times, thought that balls were something to bury their claws into.....

I have even had the fun experience of being fucked anally and had the cat jump on my stomach just as I shot.....and the cat got a faceful.....

[Tight1-4u]

so this happened 2-3 years ago.. I had been seeing this guy for about 3 months.. was seeing him 1-2 times a week.. all our encounters had been in his office.. he invited me to come to his home one Friday evening saying his wife would be out all night with the girls.. he said that he wanted to mess around at his house.. so I show up and we proceeded to his man cave or office.. he had gay porn on the big screen and a new bottle of my favorite whiskey.. he pours drinks and we smoke some really good weed.. we are kissing making out and things are getting heated up.. I in my normal routine showed up in a tank top tshirt and very loose fitting very short shorts.. g string panties.. he had kinda pushed me to the edge of his large desk when he removed my shorts and panties.. I went to my knees and got his semi hard cock out and started sucking him.. with the booze the weed and the fore play I was already buzzed and my pussy was moist and wanting!! He has a very very nice cock.. 8.5” and kinda thick with a big mushroom head.. that mushroom head is the thickest part.. so while being fucked you feel it moving inside you..
when I got him good and hard I told him I wanted him now.. he took me to the couch and laid me down and fucked me for a couple hours and then filled my pussy with the first load of the night.. it was about 10pm at this point.. after another drink and more weed and more sucking we were ready for round 2.. he had me kneel in the seat of one of his big padded chairs facing and leaning over the back.. lifting and pushing my pussy out to him.. he entered me and starts fucking away.. during sex my breasts engorge and puff up and my nipples are very sensitive.. he reached up and puts both hands on my breasts and starts kneading them and my nipples.. he uses them like handles pulling me back hard agents him as he drove forward.. the whiskey the weed were doing their job he was really pounding away in me.. I was on fire.. my body builds heat during sex and I was hot!!! About 12:45pm we hear noise but didn’t think much of it.. a few min later we hear someone at the door.. then hear the door open.. the his wife yells hony I’m home.. he is still fucking me hard.. she moves around down stairs then starts up the stairs.. my mind is racing as he is still in me hard.. then with a couple big thrusts he unloads again deep inside me.. he pulls out and we rush to get our clothes.. I barely got my shorts pulled up when she walked in the room.. she look at me and smiles and asked her husband who I was.. he introduced us.. they say goodnight and she walked over to me and kisses me on the cheek and says good night.. gives me a kinda weird little smile and a wink and as she turned her hand rubbed against my cock.. she clearly smelled of alcohol but still.. there I was wearing very short shorts.. very flushed in the face with her husbands cum running down my legs.. and she kissed me and basically copped a feel as she turned around..she told us to have fun so off she went.. about 20 min later he went to check on her and come back and said she had passed out.. so he fucked me again on his desk and filled my pussy one last time that night..
it wasn’t very funny that night but as I think back on it I have to laugh.. we were so busted..

[KDaddy23]

I'm thinking the wife knew what was up...

[Tight1-4u]

I'm thinking the wife knew what was up...
yes I am of the same opinion.. or she really was that drunk that she just wasn?t aware and didn?t care!! Either way looking back it dose make me giggle inside!!

[DD788Snipe]

yes I am of the same opinion.. or she really was that drunk that she just wasn?t aware and didn?t care!! Either way looking back it dose make me giggle inside!!

Damn, sounds like a really good time.

[Tight1-4u]

Damn, sounds like a really good time.

it was .. he was a really nice guy and very good at using what he had.. he used me 1-2 times a week for a couple years.. we had a lot of mind blowing sex to gather.. we only stoped when he got transferred elsewhere for work..

[DD788Snipe]

:thumbu::thumbu::thumbu::thumbu::thumb
:"Liked" it was .. he was a really nice guy and very good at using what he had.. he used me 1-2 times a week for a couple years.. we had a lot of mind blowing sex to gather.. we only stoped when he got transferred elsewhere for work.
:thumbu::thumbu::thumbu::thumbu:
Loved it.

[19biman61]

When I am really horny for cock I will go to the local ABS, change in my car into my outfit and go inside and hunt for older cock. My out fit consists of women's low heeled shoes, thigh high stockings, lace panties, a pair of jeans shorts that I made into a very short skirt and a sweater. No wig or make-up. The skirt I made by cutting the shorts off where they meet at the crotch and then I cut the side seam up to the waistband. Now it looks like a skirt but is really just two flaps of denim barely covering my cock and balls in front and my ass in the back. I pay the clerk and head to the booth area. I slowly walk around to get seen and felt up by the men there then head to the theater. There are some men standing at the back watching for any action going on so I join them back there and bend over and slowly remove my panties. There are now hands on my ass and balls and a cock at my lips. Now I'm bent over sucking a cock, someone is standing on my left and jerking my cock and someone has a finger up my ass when, for some strange reason it hit me; I LOCKED MY KEYS IN THE CAR! I completed the blowjob on the cock in my mouth and swallowed his load then I went to the lobby and told the clerk what happened. He called a locksmith and when he got there I had to go out and show him the car. He got it opened quickly and I paid him plus a generous tip (yes, it was more money). I retrieved my keys, went back inside and gave the clerk a blowjob for helping me out then I went back to the theater for more fun!

[BikerJimLV]

I bet the locksmith was very surprised when you met with him.

[19biman61]

The locksmith was quite surprised when he saw me. He quoted $65 over the phone and that's what he asked for after he opened it. I gave him $100. That was his second and final surprise from me.

[SilkyHoseLover]

Prior to my recognition and acceptance of being bisexual, my wife and I experimented with swinging for a couple/three years, most of which we indulged in at house parties with a small group of friends who were regular attendees.

At one of our parties, I went to play with a woman who, at 61, was several years older than I was at the time. As it was quite some time ago, most of the details have slipped my mind, but a couple of humorous moments remain.

The first thing happened as we started to undress to get into bed. The woman asked if I minded if she took off her wig. I didn't know she was wearing a hairpiece, but went along with it. She unclipped it, and set it aside, revealing a very sparse head of gray hair with bobby pins. This really showed her age, but so be it...

I wasn't exactly a hot-damn lover, but I was always pretty good at foreplay, so we had a good time. I was licking away at her clit, probably with a finger in her pussy or ass -- or both! -- when she suddenly stiffened, quivering slightly, but otherwise being totally silent. To me, her body felt stiff as a board, and given her silence, I began to worry about her. "Are you ok?", I asked, concern rising in my voice.

She opened her eyes and smirked a little. "I should have warned you", she said. "I cum hard!" What a relief... My wife is a heavy cummer, too, but she's very vocal and active, with 'Oh God, oh God, oh Gods' aplenty and a lot of thrashing around. Seeing this woman totally passive made me fear she was having a medical emergency of some sort...

Another part I remember about that night was that she later rode my cowboy-style. She was lighter and slimmer than my wife, and it was one of the most enjoyable fucks I'd ever had that way.

[stevelover]

My wife and I were hooking up with another couple. i was going down on her, she's writhing around and moaning, I'm thinking "Good, she's getting close" and then NOTHING! In my head I go WTF!?!? So I keep licking her, this time I put my finger in her pussy and my thumb on her taint so I can feel the contractions when she cums. Moaning, wiggling, NOTHING!!! I do this a few more times, then after she goes silent I ask. SO that was an orgasm? She looks at me, completely cum drunk and nods her head, "Several" she says. Awesome.
For reference, my wife is a SCREAMER! Like I'm sure the neighbors know when she's getting off. I fuck her, she has more of what I expect orgasms to look like, when I go to dipsose of the condom my wife joins me in the bathroom and says she's done, let's GO. NOW. Turns out every time she was getting close he would stop, or change, or something and kill her orgasm. We guess because she is so very vocal that he thought he was killing it.
When in doubt, ask...

[KDaddy23]

In the early days of my relationship with the woman who'd become my second poly wife, we'd had a hellified afternoon and night of sex. She was an animal in bed; intense, and, whew, intense and a woman who knew what she wanted to do to me. She... had me screaming and yelling like I was being murdered. The next morning, we come out to go somewhere and a lot of her neighbors were outside and... were clapping, giving me props about "tearing that pussy up" and making her scream and beg all afternoon and night.

"That was me," I said. "I don't wanna talk about it." Her neighbors were shocked; she'd come out to get in the car and now they're looking at her like she was a murderer. Now, what I didn't tell them that I was tearing the pussy up but she'd go into sensory overload and... pass out. Scared the shit out of me! I was about to start CPR and call 911 when she opened her eyes, smiled, and said, "No one has ever done that to me - what happened?"

[BikerJimLV]

I hung out with a couple in my early 20's. They were in their mid 30's. The husband, J, gave me the green light to fuck his wife, D, because I did them a big favor. J felt like this would be a good return. He ran to the store and while D was at the sink, I started rubbing her shoulders to get things moving. J returned and D was sucking my cock. We dropped a couple Valium for each of us. So J pulled her jeans down and commented on how wet she was. I gotta say that woman could give a bj. J stops fingering her and starts fucking her. We about 15 minutes in and there's a knock at the door. It's my friend, S, who was going to give me a ride to my girlfriend's house. I used to have to sneak over there cause her mom didn't like me. Talk about bad timing. I went into the bathroom, D dashed for the bedroom and J frustrated pulled up his pants and answered the door. I ended up leaving to go back to house but when I arrived, I was so fucked up by the Vals. I told my girlfriend that I couldn't make and passed out in the living room. Well, fast forward, we didn't talk about it for a long time. I ended up getting married and we finally talked about it. Well, D comes out in lingerie and starts giving me the best bj to this day. I nut like a geyser. She swallows and stands over my spent cock and starts rubbing herself with her ass facing me. I'm enjoying the show when she says Oh jeez I'm gonna nut. Then she lets loose. It was like someone dumped a 5 gallon bucket of cum in my lap. I hadn't seen anything like that before. I was blown away, and a bit freaked out. She went to go clean up and I ended up leaving. I felt half guilty because of my recent marriage. I do regret leaving I hurt her feelings. She was a good friend. They moved away a couple months later.

[marine20]

in 1968 when i was a marine in vietnam , a couple of my friends found a local hooker that would give us some pussy for a low price. now being marines , we were always watched and had very little freedom , so in 13 months, i only got two pieces of ass the whole time , except for R&R in japan. anyway when it was my turn to fuck her , there was only one place to go. it was on an open field on a bright sunny day. so there i was on top of her fucking like a pro , with my white ass gleaming in the sunlight. well , just then a huey chopper flew over me and hovered over me watching me fuck. it was embarrassing , and i thought , JESUS CHRIST , can't a guy get some pussy without becoming a fucking show.

[csreef]

I was living with my GF in Walden NY, the armpit of the Hudson Valley in a 400 sq ft. "studio" . One day when we were trying to get the lock on the door to open, a lady tried to walk past us, she introduced herself, and said that she lived in the apartment above us.

Her child was "challenged" and said "You two are the people who keep moaning and growning at night and keep me up when I want to sleep!" He then started to moan loudly.

My GF turned Crimson red, the mother turned beet red, and then hustled the child upstairs.

[jjourneyman]

I was between my junior and senior year in college and had taken a summer job as a paralegal with a large law firm in downtown LA. After a few weeks at the firm, I managed to spark up a romance with one of the partners. She was an older (early 50s), stunning brunette who had been with the firm for 20 years. She was also very married, which made for a bit of a problem for us to meet. What started out as harmless flirting soon blossomed into a full blown affair.

To make matters worse, I was living in Orange County and had a roommate at the time, so getting private alone time with her was at best a hit and miss situation. After a couple of months of meeting up at various hotels, things began to get expensive for the both of us. Eventually, we decided to give her minivan a try.

We would meet up at a parking garage most mornings for sex, then she would go back home to shower and dress while I went to the gym for a quick workout and shower. What we didn't count on was that the parking garage had cameras on every floor. Although her van had tinted windows, it was still possible to make out that there were two people having passionate sex inside.

I'll never forget, it was on a Friday morning before the Fourth of July weekend. The garage was virtually empty because most of the people who worked in the nearby buildings were off for holiday. We started making out as usual. It wasn't long before we were both naked and I was fucking her as hard as I could.

Then we heard a couple of loud taps on the window. A security car had pulled up behind her van and the guard was knocking on the window with his flashlight and looking in.

Without making a sound, we both grabbed a blanket that was lying on the seat and pulled it up over us. Both of our hearts were pounding out of our chests. I was sure he had seen us and would be calling in to the police. Not relenting, he went back to his car and got on the loudspeaker and told us to exit the vehicle. We quickly got dressed and complied, both of us thinking this might be the end of her marriage and both of our careers.

Fortunately, after taking our names and issuing us a stern warning to "just get a room," he told us to leave and not come back.

By the time we met up at the office later that day, we had both regained our composure and even had a laugh about it. Later that afternoon, we both took off work early to meet at one of the local hotels to celebrate our good fortune for not having been arrested.

[KDaddy23]

When my first wife and I got married, it was at my mom's house (and where I lived) because we didn't want a "big church wedding" and couldn't afford one even if we wanted one. My mom cooked up a little reception for us and then it was up to my room so we could... consummate our marriage.

It would have been wonderful if it weren't for my family members constantly knocking on the door and asking if we were already, giving us the bizness about what we were doing, and we had barely gotten out of our clothes! But we get into it and... they're all outside the door and cheering us on and even worse, my mom is with them and I can hear her laughing and giggling and saying how proud and happy she was for us - and saying that now we can do all the stuff we weren't supposed to do. I can hear my older sister at the door saying, "Eat that pussy! I know you're eating it!"

We... stopped trying to have sex. I put my pants on (she hid under the covers) and I yanked the door open and my brother and sisters fell into the room and into me; we're all on the floor and my older sister had the nerve to ask me why we stopped because they were enjoying the show. We actually left and went to her house because her parents weren't home; we... really consummated. Just as I finished cumming I heard, "Now that's how it's done!" I looked and... her parents are standing in the door and smiling at us! Her mom said, "I finally got to see why she loves you so much!"

But keep in mind that one day when the two of us bagged school so we could have a day of sex, I wound up screwing her mom - remind me to tell you that one (if I haven't already). My wedding day is a day I will never forget and it still makes me laugh.

[Fiddlestyx]

In the early days of my relationship with the woman who'd become my second poly wife, we'd had a hellified afternoon and night of sex. She was an animal in bed; intense, and, whew, intense and a woman who knew what she wanted to do to me. She... had me screaming and yelling like I was being murdered. The next morning, we come out to go somewhere and a lot of her neighbors were outside and... were clapping, giving me props about "tearing that pussy up" and making her scream and beg all afternoon and night.

"That was me," I said. "I don't wanna talk about it." Her neighbors were shocked; she'd come out to get in the car and now they're looking at her like she was a murderer. Now, what I didn't tell them that I was tearing the pussy up but she'd go into sensory overload and... pass out. Scared the shit out of me! I was about to start CPR and call 911 when she opened her eyes, smiled, and said, "No one has ever done that to me - what happened?"
Many years ago I had a girlfriend who would pass out briefly when she came... but - the first time we did anal she came so hard she was out for over an hour. As you said, scared the shit out of me! She's still breathing, heartbeat is regular, "kiss of life" has no effect... what to do? We were more careful with anal after that, let me tell you. I had my own "almost" experience before Christmas when my bi friend was using my dildo vibrator on me and I had an anal orgasm so intense my whole body was quivering and on fire and I was close to passing out. He noticed and stopped before that happened as he was afraid I'd goi into cardiac arrest!

[KDaddy23]

@Fiddlestyx, yeah, when she'd pass out, I'd just get a cold washcloth and apply it all over until she came to. The first time she passed out and scared the shit out of me, she told me that it had never happened to her before but she had also told me that she'd never had an orgasm before. She... cried because she said that no one had ever taken the time and care to give her an orgasm and, nerd over here, I realized that her orgasms just overloaded her brain and... out like a light.

She had a similar effect on me: She could give me orgasms that would make me stop breathing and make me believe that I'd busted a nut - and I hadn't.

[Fiddlestyx]

@Fiddlestyx, yeah, when she'd pass out, I'd just get a cold washcloth and apply it all over until she came to. The first time she passed out and scared the shit out of me, she told me that it had never happened to her before but she had also told me that she'd never had an orgasm before. She... cried because she said that no one had ever taken the time and care to give her an orgasm and, nerd over here, I realized that her orgasms just overloaded her brain and... out like a light.

She had a similar effect on me: She could give me orgasms that would make me stop breathing and make me believe that I'd busted a nut - and I hadn't.

My girlfriend's ex-husband had a enchant for raping her anally so I'd avoided even discussing the idea. One day she said she wanted to try it again so we did, with me taking a lot of care and a very gentle, long path. Once we did actually move to intercourse she came in about two minutes and passed out - for a very long time. We learned to control things so the rsult was a little gentler, but she still never took more than a couple of minutes to go over the edge no matter what.

[csreef]

When I was shagging, err, um, dating Mrs. Robinson, she would have multiple Orgasms. Over time, when she would hit the Big O, her orgasms would increase in strength to the point where her eyes would just roll back into her head, and then her mouth would drop open... Imaging seeing this happen in just candlelight...