Boyfriend Cheated, Now What?

[ladyD]

Hello all,
Have quite a difficult situation here. Here's the scenario. I'm heterosexual, and have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years now. Being away from him for the summer was tough on both of us. But when I came back, he revealed to me that he's bisexual AND that he slept with 2 guys. Guys that were just hook-ups from online sources. Obviously, I was crushed. I still am. He said he wants to try an open relationship, and that he's not even sure that if I allowed him that freedom, would he even act on his sexual desires like that again. I'm the last person to judge him and his needs/wants, and though he says it's a purely physical experience for him, it scares me to death that he'll develop an emotional attachment to someone he's having sex with if I stay with him.
The worst part is that I am devestatingly in love with him. :( I saw myself marrying this guy. But I'm a very committed and monogamous person...how could I bring myself to "share" him with other guys? As of right now, I'm staying with him and trying to be understanding and strong and supportive. But inside I'm still broken in half. I needed to get advice from a community of people that may know how to deal. Will he be able to give me everything that I need if I stay with him?

[MikeW]

Hello all,
Have quite a difficult situation here. Here's the scenario. I'm heterosexual, and have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years now. Being away from him for the summer was tough on both of us. But when I came back, he revealed to me that he's bisexual AND that he slept with 2 guys. Guys that were just hook-ups from online sources. Obviously, I was crushed. I still am. He said he wants to try an open relationship, and that he's not even sure that if I allowed him that freedom, would he even act on his sexual desires like that again. I'm the last person to judge him and his needs/wants, and though he says it's a purely physical experience for him, it scares me to death that he'll develop an emotional attachment to someone he's having sex with if I stay with him.
The worst part is that I am devestatingly in love with him. :( I saw myself marrying this guy. But I'm a very committed and monogamous person...how could I bring myself to "share" him with other guys? As of right now, I'm staying with him and trying to be understanding and strong and supportive. But inside I'm still broken in half. I needed to get advice from a community of people that may know how to deal. Will he be able to give me everything that I need if I stay with him?

Working backwards on this reply... Yes, a bisexual spouse is very capable of giving the other all the emotional and sexual needs they need. I'm married and I am now out to my wife. I have the same desire as your bf claims. That is, it's the sex with a guy that I desire. It's not the same as the sex I desire with my wife. For me, the desire is strong enough to compel me to seek out a male partner for sexual contact. I have no intention of creating a relationship beyond the mutual sexual enjoyment. Up to this point, I can understand your BF's thought possess but that's were I have to raise an eyebrow... If he tried it twice in recent months and wants to try an open relationship with you how can he say he doesn't know if he'd do it again? Personally, I think he has every intention of doing it again. If not, why would he be lobbying for an open relationship?

And the final straw with me... cheating... if your BF went behind your back I'd have to assume he'd do it again. If there is one piece of advice I could give any bisexual coming out to a straight partner it is: BE COMPLETELY OPEN AND COMPLETELY HONEST. It's a hard enough situation to deal with without dishonesty. When you include lying and cheating you're really making things difficult. Once a person cheats or lies how can they be trusted again? Especially with something this personal and emotional. It's not impossible, but it makes trust very difficult.

[glantern954]

I think it is a good sign that he was able to admit to you that he was bisexual and that he had explored it in your absense. That is a huge step, especially if he did it without interrogation by you.

He may not require further exploration in your presence. But, if you don't think you can do an open relationship then you really need to say so. If that is what he really wants in a marriage then you won't be doing either of you any favors by just going along with it, especially this early in the game.

Communication is very important here.

[Reprob8]

My wife after realizing this was a serious issue for me and that I was afraid that something may happen told me to go out and buy condoms and keep them with me at all times. This was not a license to go out and screw around but was just another indicator of her love for me and concern for the health of both of us (BTW I have still not needed the condoms but I feel better with them).

Just be carefull and protect yourself.

[Mystery123]

Hey I am in a simular siuation although my husband has said he hasn't done anything yet It still hurts to know I am not enough for him. I know you have been in your relationship for two years and want to marry him feel good that he has told you he could have said nothing it shows he must have some feelings for you and wants your understanding. As soon as my Husband was able to admit it to himself he told me but we have been married for 20 years and this was only recently that he told me. I am still hurting inside but I love him with all my heart. Sometimes I wish I didnt Mybe It wouldnt hurt so much! But I've loved him for too long to give him up now. So we talk and talk and talk until we cant anymore. With me I have told him that if I can do this It would be on my terms such as I dont want him to go out byhimself I want to be involved. so I said that if we need to we can have a threesome although he is reluctent to do this ( he doesnt know if he can in front of me) I also said if one day it just happend I would want him to tell me even though It would hurt me. Hey I dont even know If I can do a threesome never has before come up. My point Is if you love him and you know he even loves you a little you need to at least try.Try to find a way that will make you both happy before you give up. you never know you might just find your love life even beter for it and you find yourselves loveing each other more. there is always room in a persons heart for one more. I hope what I have said has helped some. maybe we can keep in touch and talk about how things are going for the both of us. BTW Reprob8 is my husband.

[Herbwoman39]

First, I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. As the bisexual partner of a hetero spouse, I can only speak from my perspective.

I think it's wonderful that your boyfriend thinks enough of your relationship to be that honest with you. It's terrifying to bare your soul that way, especially when you've made mistakes.

Please understand, I don't feel that he went about what he did in the right way. He should have talked to you first. But it IS out in the open now and the most important thing that the two of you can do is keep the lines of communication open. Find out what he needs and compare that with what you need and then find some kind of middle ground that you can both agree on. If the two of you can't find common ground on your own, find a couple's councelor that deals in bisexual issues.

Know, too, that you can always come here and talk to us. These folks here are an amazing bunch of supportive people.

[Mystery123]

Hey forgot to tell you our sex life is great now even better.