Why the disappearing act?

[karma803]

I'm sure we aren't the only ones to experience this, but I'd really like an honest answer on why some people do this. So here's the scenario.....You are a couple looking for a single bi-oral guy or a couple with a bi-oral guy. You find a profile for a single guy that seems to match what you are looking for. You send him an email, he looks at your profile, likes what he sees and contacts you back. You exchange some pics and spend the next several weeks chatting almost daily on Yahoo. You aren't pushy but you let him know that you are willing to meet in person anytime he wants, so you can all get to know each other better, and see if you click in person like you have on line. He says that's what he wants but never actually commits to a time to meet. Meanwhile, you chat back and forth about all the things you all fantasize about happening if you meet in person and everything clicks. Then suddenly, he just stops all contact. You can see he's been on line, so it's not like he's been kidnapped, or hospitalized, or even that he's actually married and the contact stopped because the wife caught him. He is literally gung ho one day and pulls a disappearing act the next. So you wait a couple of weeks, just to give him the benefit of the doubt. When you don't hear from him, you finally send an email which very nicely says, hey if you've found someone else you are more interested in that's cool, we are happy for you. We would really just appreciate you letting us know that, so we're not just left hanging and we can move on. Still nothing, so obviously you stop wasting your time and move on at that point. Why, when it comes to this lifestyle, do so many people lose all thoughts of decency, honesty, and manners? If they treated people in their every day work or social life that way, they certainly wouldn't be very popular and might not even have a job, so why is it OK to treat people here any differently? To me it indicates that they think people in this lifestyle are less worthy of being treated with any sort of decency. If that's their reasoning then they need to remember that they are living the same lifestyle. So what does that make them?

[DesertRat]

I've been wondering this same thing myself. Somewhat different circumstances but why can't there just be at least a "I've had a change of heart......or mind or whatever". I wonder if it has something to do with people not having fully committed to the idea and they get cold feet. I would like to think most of us would even be ok with that answer, at least we'd know.

[void()]

Not sure if it can fully qualify as a valid response. Still, here is
some thought on the issue.

People do not see communication on the Internet/Web as being part of, or
real life.

There is a sense of disconnect for these type of people. They rightly,
and wrongly discern that other parties they engage with, are robots.
"Well, I was chatting up a robot last week. I'll just go back to regular
life."

I have seen both the right and wrong in this. I once did literally
chat with a robot, or scripted chat agent. You know, a spamer, only
interested in getting your credit card number. Had thought they were a
very nice guy, genuine, interesting.

This left me to really question who I spoke with on-line. Not difficult
in seeing it could effect others in the same manner.

Then, you also have human robots. These people are what could be
described as mindless drones. Yes, you might get them "into" topic xyz
for a bit. Topic xyz may be all you get too. No depth beyond the stated
and obvious topic can be jarring to say the least.

Ultimately, it keeps returning to a zero sum point. This point is based
on fear & disillusionment. Folks are afraid to admit, or consider others
may not be "real" people, or they themselves may not be. This lends to
becoming disillusioned with conversing with others. "Even if they are
not a bot, what does it say that I can only talk over a wire?"

As for not having courtesy to express that, well, they figure you just
"get it". After all, you're supposed to be human like them, you've
grappled with these same issues. Even if that is not the case, it does
not matter anyway, the Internet/Web is not "real life" and only fools
would bother investing into it as such.

Yeah, I know it makes "total sense". At any given ymmv and this is jmho.

[Meliss]

I think different people have different levels of boldness. If you have ever seen penguins on those Antarctica nature films they will huddle around a hole in the water pretending to dive in multiple times before one actually does it. Then they all dive in.

Life is very much like that for some of us. To achieve a goal some study, plan, chicken out, then try again. Sort of ready, aim, stop , stop, ready, aim... until finally completion. Others Ready, fire..

Pretty sure these people are telling you more about them selves than about you.

On a similar matter, people leave chat suddenly because real life injects itself.

Anyhow with the things you desire, it seems to me that your supply of willing partners and couples will be inexhaustible. Happy fun times.

[Gypsy_Rose]

I have to agree with all the insightful responses you've had already. Love the penguin analogy.

I have to constantly remind myself that people's actions/reactions are indeed more telling of themselves, than of me. I have never been more thoroughly mistreated and abused by any individual or group of people than by men on the internet. Disappearing has been the gentlest form of cruelty.

You at least seek out continued and escalating levels of contact. That you find someone willing to chat before escalation is amazing enough in and of itself. My experience has been that if I'm not on the phone or in cam w/in 48 hours, I am treated horribly, called terrible things, and have insults hurled at me with unrelenting cruelty. (I just want to get to know someone first via email/messages/chat before going to phone in order to establish trust, and get to know a person better, including assessing intellectual capacity and emotional maturity. Anyone can talk a line of BS, but if they don't have the patience to wait a mere few weeks to speak on the phone, are they really going to have the patience to satisfy me sexually? I've had wham bam thank you ma'am lovers and don't want to waste my time with such anymore.)

But I think both of our experiences come down to that which was already touched on. Far too many people don't take the internet or the people they are interacting with on it as reality. They are anonymous, with no accountability for their actions. Many, many people use it as a place to play out their fantasies, without having to actually make that leap into reality and the fear it may bring for them, especially for the many many bi-curious, or bis with only limited experience.

When it all of a sudden gets real, those who are only role playing and testing the waters panic and withdraw. Frustrating at the bare minimum, painful at worst. I know it took me a long time and several online personae playing at being submissive and gay/bi, before moving that aspect of myself into reality. My online friends would tease me because I was always afraid to meet people. But that was about me, being afraid of judgement and rejection, because I wasn't comfortable in my own skin yet. I say you're better off, as frustrating as it is, that these people are disappearing on you, because they are not ready, for whatever reason, and no one needs that kind of emotional baggage in their living or bedroom.

It's impossible to know here on the internet exactly who one is talking to and what their level of commitment is. I would suggest trying a website that offers member verification. This way you at least know the person is real, and they are willing to expose themselves for who they actually are to at least some degree. You might have better luck meeting someone who is serious and committed to pursuing their fantasies in the "real world".

I wish you much luck in your search.

[Ja&Ve]

Al lot of it is fantasy vs. reality. They like the idea in the heat of a moment, but when faced with actually doing it, they decide against it.

[Rambigent]

I agree, for many the fantasy is hot but then the reality of actually meeting someone in real life for the express purpose of sexual activity becomes too scary and they back off. At that point it's too uncomfortable for them to continue the online interaction.

It seems really difficult to find real people on the internet that are ok getting to know you over a couple of weeks or more, and then meeting in public, and THEN possibly having sex if everyone is on board. So often people either list interest or chicken out after chatting for a bit, or they want to meet up RIGHT NOW. Sigh...

[centillini]

It happened twice to me and come to find out, both times the people knew me and freaked out.

[Country Guy]

All of the above is true. In addition, people don't have any manners any more. Being considerate and polite is a thing of the past.

[Jorja]

What Gypsy Rose said, bang on! :P

[chtampa]

We get wannabe's more often than not. Usually when we set up to meet. Now we set up to meet promptly and they get lost quicker.

[cuttin2dachase]

Not all solo swinging bi men are disappearing acts or no shows. It can be a two-way street. I enjoy meeting bi couples and bi men after a mutual comfort level has been established. I am not pushy and am very patient and will chat online or via text or phone for however long it takes to arrange a meeting. Once I commit to a meeting with anyone, I can be depended on to honor that commitment. I have been stood up a few times by people who didn't RSVP and who promptly broke off contact with me. There have also been a quite a few times when people I really did want to meet invited me to meet on short notice when I had other plans I couldn't break. I thus had to ask for a rain check. In every case the couple or guy promptly lost interest or disappeared. Some even sent a parting text or email accusing me of lying about my other commitment or cursing me for not changing my plans to suit them. Impatient people are my biggest pet peeve and the largest impediment to successful hookups.

[matutum]

some guys have to hide from wives prying eyes. Not all of us have a partner who is open to this. Then there are just fakes and flakes, and then ones who really want to do this but aren't brave enough to do it. Then u have the ones who just don't have manners or what it takes to be honest, you don't want them anyway.

[cbb83]

It's also entirely possible the pictures are fake and the person is not who or what they seem. A LOT of teenagers also prowl the internet and seek sexual communications as part of their natural explorations. In my opinion, go straight to webcam before pictures, and do not show until they do. This way you can be (relatively) sure you're not communicating unknowingly to a fake or a child. You've got to be really careful when communicating online lest you wind up wasting your time or doing something illegal unknowingly.

[elian]

Hmm, well seems to me that when this was all very simple and you all knew that you were going to grow up and get married to the opposite gender, because that's what EVERYONE did that that you would find some nice partner in town and perhaps have a period of courting or friendship where you actually knew the person because you grew up in the same community. You got to know each other even more, and then maybe got to know each other intimately (and I'm still not talking about sex) and then maybe you decided to live together, get married and have a relationship.

As all of you have said very eloquently - the internet is not real life, it brings complete strangers together that would normally be thousands of miles away, in different classes, ages, races, genders, etc. It is anonymous, it allows people to role play, it is very tempting, but it is not real life, real life is scary, it leaves you vulnerable - it tests your confidence, faith and will..

Of course the corollary to that is despite what each person has been through on their own we ALL struggle, fail and succeed and the person next to you, were it not for any of those differentiating physical characteristics - is pretty much the same as you and doesn't know your past or anything about you "from adam" -or "eve" .. if we all approached one another from a position of trust, love and respect this world might be a lot different, but many people approach the world with fear..it actually breaks my heart in some respects because we have those people over there in the so called "Holy Land" who truly seem to be "anything but" right now.

There is no forgiveness, only people with body parts missing and souls destroyed .. At this point I really don't care which side you're on - the "bad people" are the ones committing the violence..which seems to be from both sides. They're so friggin numb to it that they don't even seem to care .. just push the button and get it over with - let's see how low we can go as a species.

Sorry, what were we talking about? Oh cowardly perverts - that's right..well maybe people ought to have confidence in themselves, and confidence in their community to do the RIGHT thing.. if you hold people accountable for their actions it creates a higher standard to live up to.

My favorite are the straight zealots who like to drag out HIV statistics to show how the gay and bisexual population is harming the human race because LGBT folks are "more promiscuous" .. number one, not all LGBT people are promiscuous and number two - if you would allow same sex relationships and transgender people a legitimate place in public society maybe there wouldn't have to BE any "sneaking around" ..

Of course adultery is a function of evolution so I suspect there will always be cheating, even if it's not "socially acceptable" it keeps the gene pool more diverse..

[lookn4fun64]

Very nicely stated Elian. Society in the 1940,50,60,0's expected a certain behavior out of everyone. To be different immediately raised suspicion, and yes danger even from peers. Fortunately, in many places expectations of men and women, and homosexual relationships have changed. wish my partner and I could have been married. Society would accept such behavior. It is no longer breaking the law in almost all states. Time and beliefs have changed.

[elian]

Yes, and I never thought I would see "gay marriage" in good 'ol Pennsyltucky in my lifetime but it is here (for a limited time anyway), that still doesn't mean technology is an excuse to abuse people. I hate the way we use technology in this world - it's a friggin hood ornament and yet another way to take advantage of people. For lack of a better way of saying it, the -people- (the society, the community) ought to come before the technology, not the other way around.

You know how many people would rather bury their head in their phone than even acknowledge another person in the room?? Ok, personal interaction is painful if you are introverted - get over it and get some skills.. I hate being in a room full of people I don't know but I learned to at least say "hello" .

Sorry, I'm going to go back to my "grumpy old man" cave now..


Very nicely stated Elian. Society in the 1940,50,60,0's expected a certain behavior out of everyone. To be different immediately raised suspicion, and yes danger even from peers. Fortunately, in many places expectations of men and women, and homosexual relationships have changed. wish my partner and I could have been married. Society would accept such behavior. It is no longer breaking the law in almost all states. Time and beliefs have changed.

[stonebow]

What frustrates me most are the married (and closeted) old FWBs of mine or my partner's who hook up once and you don't hear from them for months...even years. I know they have very busy lives and they have to hide their secret life from their spouse but honestly...we can't get together for a beer?....not even a "Hi ..how are ya?" text?.....seriously?

[elian]

It's really none of my business but they have to get their "fix" - this is me, this is who I am - I made up my mind a while ago that I can't pretend to be something I am not. I tried to please people that way for the first 15 years of my life and it just takes too much energy and it bugs the crap out of me. I realize that not everyone has the ability to be open like that, it's a shame really. If someone ltruly loves you to the level of a committed partner, they ought to love ALL of you. I guess life is just complicated. I was fortunate enough to figure out that I was "different" very early on.

[leodecatur]

I agree, for many the fantasy is hot but then the reality of actually meeting someone in real life for the express purpose of sexual activity becomes too scary and they back off. At that point it's too uncomfortable for them to continue the online interaction.

It seems really difficult to find real people on the internet that are ok getting to know you over a couple of weeks or more, and then meeting in public, and THEN possibly having sex if everyone is on board. So often people either list interest or chicken out after chatting for a bit, or they want to meet up RIGHT NOW. Sigh...

Totally agree. Best not to spend lots of time especially on "hot" topics as most of these "no shows" are only looking for JO material. If they are not willing to meet in public soon after the first or second contact best to move on as they are not really interested

[CaArmyGuy]

I will admit to having been one of those flakes. The online back and forth was exciting, but I couldn't bring myself to take the next step.
Eventually I took a chance and did meet. It was amazing. But I had to work up to it. Yes, I probably could have done better in how I flaked out those first times.

[Coastocoast]

I think one problem that many have is they talk with someone and fantasize a bit too much and often when they do and they see the reality does not match the fantasy it gets rough to back out. My thing is I want to make sure both are on the same page as far as desire and what we are looking for. Once you rule out the obvious frogs exchanging pictures and sitting down for a cup of coffee or something simple with a time frame on the first visit helps. IF after you are back home you feel you want to take it to the next step you know what you are getting into, but if there is nothing there you can let them down gently. Yes I have had a couple people including a couple tell me they were not interested and it hurts but it beats a high pressure situation where someone gets stood up.