confused.....but glad i found this place

[james1715]

Im 20, Ive had a girlfriend for 2 months now. Shes beautiful and i like being with her but it feels difficult sometimes. When i am not afraid things are great because im carefree and love is easy when its like that. But sometimes i will freak myself out and worry about this or that and i will think i will not be able to get an erection or it will go away. Granted we have sex 4 or 5 times a week (or weekend ;) ) but it seems like im trying too hard....trying to be ready for sex when all i think i would have to do is be relaxed and confident.

The main reason for this is that i am pretty sure i have something for guys too. Ive never been with a guy like that, but sometimes my sexual urges move between girls and guys like a fluid (i just read that good article about that in this forum). So it feels like im holding a lot back with my girlfriend and naturally thats a problem. Coincidentally talking about this seems like it would not be good. I dont know what i would say to her.

It feels like im almost always uncomfortable in my own skin. Like walking into a party, what does one do? I have a very hard time making friends with guys because im like purposefully trying to act tough, because im afraid of who i am, afraid of not knowing who i am.

I have a sexual attraction to women, and though less common but still strong at times i desire men. Im tired of having to define myself for myself, i just want a way to live my life without fear so that i can be happy and actually love.

Does anyone understand this?

[UnclearOnItAll]

For what its worth, I do have one thought...you are really, really young. I know at that it may not feel like it, but believe me, you are.

Take advantage of the fact that time is totally on your side. Don't push a relationship that doesn't feel right, and do not commit to something that only feels "half right."

It sounds to me like you need to take some time to experiment, find out if your issues are related to gender, the person you are with, or something else completely that might be going on with you. This is your time to enjoy the things life can offer. Unless this person is totally the love of your life (which I believe you would already know), then there will be other chances.

I'm not saying that you end anything, just that you put yourself in a position where you are free to explore. So many of us remember that time when we committed to a life we were unsure of too quickly because we did not understand that there will be so many other opportunities.

Like I said, just a thought...

[Reprob8]

It's the human condition, allot, if not most peoples sexual desires are fluid and there is nothing worng with the way you feel. Now the question is what to do about it and to that I suggest you do nothing that you can't undo untill you have had a chance to come to grips with this new side of yourself. The most important thing is to protct yourself and your g/f and or sex partners.

For me the decision to tell my wife once I came to grips with my bisexuality was a no brainer, I owed it to her to be honest with her and allow her the choice of how to handle it. I was scared of how she would handle it but she has been wonderfull.

[Azrael]

It feels like im almost always uncomfortable in my own skin. Like walking into a party, what does one do? I have a very hard time making friends with guys because im like purposefully trying to act tough, because im afraid of who i am, afraid of not knowing who i am.

I have a sexual attraction to women, and though less common but still strong at times i desire men. Im tired of having to define myself for myself, i just want a way to live my life without fear so that i can be happy and actually love.

Does anyone understand this?
I think I do. I'm finding myself to be rather socially akward these days. That said, welcome to the board. I'm always around if you need to talk about it.

[canuckotter]

Does anyone understand this?
Yarr. :)

You're not sure what you feel, and you're not sure what your feelings mean. Which in turn means that you're not sure of the world or your place in it, which is not a comfortable situation.

My suggestion is to just not worry about it too much. If you really are attracted to guys, you should tell your gf, because hiding it is a recipe for heartbreak. If she's good with it, then great! If not, well, you've saved yourself a lot of trouble down the road. ;) Not to sound cavalier about it or anything, it's just... yeah. (I'm a wee bit overtired, I can only hope I'm making sense.) As for worrying about whether or not you're bi... You're attracted to who you're attracted to. Let other people worry about the labels. You are who you are and the more you worry about who that is the less time you'll spend simply being yourself.

[Diane54]

just take it easy. don't rush anything. Take the time to sort things through. wha twill be will be naturally you do not need to force anything. As long as you are unsure make no hasty decisions. You love being with this girl, enjoy your time with her. Feelings cant be forced but they can be ignored, don't ignore them as long as you are unsure but be sure before you do anything. When I KNEW i was bi there ws no doubt and previous feelings that I had ignored were explained. Take time.

[Long Duck Dong]

ok james ...lol welcome to bisexual.com..

what you are sharing, is a situation common against bisexuals.... the indecision and confusion, but lets not tattoo you with the words * bisexual * on your head just yet lol

i say that cos having the label of bisexual is easy to apply, harder to confirm
lol

ok if you have privacy and the chance to learn about your desires a lil more than please do it....things like buying a dildo or butt plug is a idea.... your sexual desires surface far stronger during sex than at most other times.... and anal stimulation in private by yourself, can tell you if you could * top * or * bottom * during sex... it can also serve to help you get a feeling on if you would go as far as to allow another male past ya personal zone and into a intimate situation with you

telling ya gf ???? lol man thats a differcult one to do... specially if you haven't been with a guy at all..... trouble is, if you are not bisexual, you may be opening up to your partner about something thats not actually a reality.... but on the other hand... you may be laying the ground work for somehing that may be very true... you may well be bisexual

now, take things like low self esteem, low self confidence etc and throw them out the window, and please try to answer the following questions.... you don't have to answer them in the forum.....

do you feel like your personality changes around groups of people and sometimes you are the rambo type...other times you are the submissive type

do you feel that sometimes feel like males around you are trying to push their authority on you

do you sometimes feel the need to be dominated during sex or times where you wish to dominate your partner

do you spend much time alone or feel like you are alone, even in a large group of people ??

do you find yourself talking out your thoughts out loud when alone

do you sometimes feel like you know what your girlfriends wants during sex and try to become that ??

and last one.... you mentioned trying too hard during sex......do you sometimes feel neutral during sex.... like you are there to play a role as the male part

now the questions are not to define your sexuality, nor diagnosis a issue with you....you are a perfectly normal person with feelings and emotions, wants and needs... but you are describing something I see in a lot of people.... its nothing bad... but i will wait for you to reply.... if you like you can just say how many questions you said yes too... the exact questions don't matter

[james1715]

ok james ...lol welcome to bisexual.com..

what you are sharing, is a situation common against bisexuals.... the indecision and confusion, but lets not tattoo you with the words * bisexual * on your head just yet lol

i say that cos having the label of bisexual is easy to apply, harder to confirm
lol

ok if you have privacy and the chance to learn about your desires a lil more than please do it....things like buying a dildo or butt plug is a idea.... your sexual desires surface far stronger during sex than at most other times.... and anal stimulation in private by yourself, can tell you if you could * top * or * bottom * during sex... it can also serve to help you get a feeling on if you would go as far as to allow another male past ya personal zone and into a intimate situation with you

telling ya gf ???? lol man thats a differcult one to do... specially if you haven't been with a guy at all..... trouble is, if you are not bisexual, you may be opening up to your partner about something thats not actually a reality.... but on the other hand... you may be laying the ground work for somehing that may be very true... you may well be bisexual

now, take things like low self esteem, low self confidence etc and throw them out the window, and please try to answer the following questions.... you don't have to answer them in the forum.....

do you feel like your personality changes around groups of people and sometimes you are the rambo type...other times you are the submissive type

do you feel that sometimes feel like males around you are trying to push their authority on you

do you sometimes feel the need to be dominated during sex or times where you wish to dominate your partner

do you spend much time alone or feel like you are alone, even in a large group of people ??

do you find yourself talking out your thoughts out loud when alone

do you sometimes feel like you know what your girlfriends wants during sex and try to become that ??

and last one.... you mentioned trying too hard during sex......do you sometimes feel neutral during sex.... like you are there to play a role as the male part

now the questions are not to define your sexuality, nor diagnosis a issue with you....you are a perfectly normal person with feelings and emotions, wants and needs... but you are describing something I see in a lot of people.... its nothing bad... but i will wait for you to reply.... if you like you can just say how many questions you said yes too... the exact questions don't matter


the low self esteem and confidence you said not to consider are big issues, because i believe they affect me the most as far as moods go.

going down the list.....
yes it does because i dont feel comfortable in my own skin, usually, if i drink than i am king so to speak, i never like to be submissive. either i am being dominant or i wont speak. being pushed around usually makes me angry and i wont do it.

occasionally i will feel like they are pushing authority, but if i sense this i dont like it and i might try to assert my own just to make them stop. i was the leader of my friends growing up, people say i still am.

when my girl gets on top i dont like it, its actually somewhat of a turnoff. She is kinda big but still, i dont think i like being dominated.

from my childhood and what that gave me, yes i feel alone often but lately i wouldnt call it lonliness. I guess as long as i know my girl is out there i dont feel alone. Friedns are good in moderation, i dont like anyone knowing too much about me except her.

out loud thoughts, sometimes.

from how she acts i can guess pretty well how she wants it

last one...sort of, other times i just want to give it to her and thats that, but others im cognizant of tons of things running through my head that i dont want to be. Sometimes i will just think of things randomly and they will get stuck in my head, usually things that mean nothing.


i liked your article Azrael.

[DiamondDog]

Just concentrate on being yourself right now, not an orientation label as they're nice and can give you closure; but you might not need one in the long run.

It can be confusing being bi since there's not really a set and static definition of it, unlike being het or gay.

Anyway, you don't even have to have had sex with a member of the same gender in order to be bi.

There are varying degrees of bisexuality, and you don't have to be "50/50" or even romantic with both men and women.

I found that reading people's personal stories helped me a lot because I found others that I could personally relate to.

[Long Duck Dong]

in the immortal words of one gentleman..... I think therefore I am lol
hence the list of questions i wrote out for you

bisexuality is not always confined to sexual attraction for both sexes from birth.... it can be triggered by a desire to be accepted and loved by a male fiqure ( father fiqure )... it can be caused by depression, low self esteem, low self confidence ( hence i said to throw them out the window it makes it easier to work out ya sexuality )... and it comes down to finding the pattern of the urges towards males and the sexual pattern with females, as to finding your own sexuality

the questions were not out of a counselling book or a psych test... i wrote them out as a type of self help quide as only you would know when you are more likely to feel drawn to males and why.... but cos the hardest thing in the world to do, is to decide anothers sexuality for them, i decided to throw in the questions for you to read and look inside yaself for the answer and possibly find some answers about ya sexuality for yaself

my answers were similair to yours and I am a 36 year old bisexual male... i was sexually abused by a male in my early teens, and lacked a loving father fiqure
and after counselling for low self esteem, low self confidence and reconciling with my father and step father.... I realised that my bisexuality was still there
but i was still at heart, a loner, a strong type personality, i was a leader amongst friends. a teacher amongst the spiritual community and considered a brillant writer..... but i struggled with my personal life.. and still do....in relationships, i was sometimes very loving, sometimes very standoffish... but always closed off

what drives me to be a loner and closed off... is I wanna live my life how i want.... and not live under a label... i don't wanna be put in a box and labelled
and i do feel that calling myself bisexual is putting a target on my head and giving people a false idea about me and my life and I HATE THAT.....lol.... but cos i am in the forum, I will call myself bisexual.....outside the forum... I am more inclined to call myself celibate lol

ok enuf waffling from me....lol.... i would dare say that within my post, you may find answers that may help you without you having to share too much info....lol.....

[james1715]

thank you.

[Azrael]

i liked your article Azrael.
Which one?

[Bella.T]

I understand, reverse the situation tho (i have a husband who i love tons). but i undertand, completely and utterly. u not alone.

[animalat54]

Yo,James,I'm 54 years old I can feel your pain.I spent 13 years in the MARINE CORP.I was a drill instructer for two years.I have spent my life trying to figure out my sexaulty.I know now I don't have to be a tough guy to make it lin life.All you need to do is be a compassionate and caring person and life will come to you.I hope I have gieven you some kind of insight to help you through.If you need anything or some kind of help.Please feel free to contact me.