hurt and confused

[hurt and confused]

Hi everyone, I just recently found out that my husband of 22 yrs may be bi-sexual or gay. Not sure about anything any more. I'm confused because he's extremely homophobic ( please excuse the phrase, I mean no disrespect) and he's had affairs in the past with women. I've got phone records with hundreds of calls to gay chat lines also hundreds of texts. He watches gay porn and straight on a daily basis or more frequently when I'm not around. I over heard a call where he was talking to a man he apparently knew and made reference to his "cock" and " he remembered it used to hang low" He made several references to them getting together. He said " you said you were going to show me about the f***ing part. My husband is 51 and this man is much older. Does this mean he's acting on urges, is he curious, is he gay, bi-sexual.....what. He was raised in the south with a very strict up bringing. We've always had a good sex life but seems like the last year or so something has been off. I'm sad for him and mad at him because he couldn't tell me. We've always been able to talk about anything (so I thought.) I'm the open minded one. I have a couple female friends who are gay and I'm constantly getting on to him about his derogatory comments about them. So you see why I'm confused. In the conversation (mentioned earlier) he appeared at ease, sure of himself. My gut tells me this has been going on for some time. I will be filing for a divorce. Although I do love him and I know he loves me, I tired of the affairs regardless of who it's with and if he's having unprotected sex with strangers then my health is at risk. I welcome any input.....I've been on a roller coaster of emotions and can't seem to wrap my head around it. If you met my husband you would think I'm making all this up but I'm not. I have proof. Also, how do you think I should approach him with this because I'm going to....

[hurt and confused]

I apologize for intruding on your forum but I'm going through so many emotions. I didn't know where to turn so I'm hoping I can get your input whether it be positive or negative.

[dafydd]

hullo hurt and confused. welcome. tough situation :( did you confront your husband with his infidelity? what was his response?
it's okay to use the term homophobic. its not an offensive word.

[Gearbox]

It's a bit hard giving you advice coz you have already decided to divorce him anyway, so what's the point?
He's not likely to confide in you if you come at him with that. He's not likely to stop wanting men for sex either, and judging by his past affairs with women, he'll go ahead and have hookups with men regardless. It's so very much easier to find a man for sex.

You'd get a load of advice if you were going to attempt to stay with him and deal with his extramarital sex, if that's what you wanted. Or how to deal with divorce. Or how to get your head around your husbands recent dip into his bisexuality.
But I doubt many here could advice you on how to stop your husband from having affairs with either gender or turn hetero.

You could just tell your husband all that you know of his sexual activities and try to get him to open up to you. If you are really serious about divorcing him, you have nothing to lose.
But if you really want his honesty you need to tell him that you love him regardless of what he is and will stand by him. That would obviously be a lie, but it's the only way IMO.
Good luck!

[tenni]

Hi
You write that you plan to divorce him now that you have overheard him talking about sex with a man and found bills for sex calls. It seems that this is the last straw for you. You post that you believe yourself open minded but it is the same sex behaviour that brings you to a point of divorce?

Some men hide their same sex desires under bigotry and homophobia. Does that seem to be a possible explanation for your husbands behaviour? He may have hidden this from himself as well. He may be in deep denial and refuse to admit his sexuality. Sometimes when men reach forty or so, they can no longer resist their needs for same sex. Whether he is gay or bisexual may be important to you if you decide that you want to continue the marriage. Presently, it doesn't seem to be part of your plan. The unfortunate point is that it is his same sex activity that is creating your last straw approach and you may not be as open as you thought?

Your concern about STD from your husband's behaviour is a valid concern. Many people believe that it is the married bisexual man who carries HIV and STD to their partners. Recently, there was a review of various studies that reported that bisexual men are at no greater chance of transmitting STD than heterosexual men. Although there should be concern on your part and you should go to get tested, it may not be the end of the world if you wish to continue your marriage.

You may want to calm down a bit and then sit him down for a conversation. As I wrote he may deny it and not really have admitted it to himself. As awful as this is for you, try not to be condemning and judgemental if you want to help him and you as a couple. If you are firm on divorce, it won't matter. Since he has a history of sex outside your marriage with women, he may have a lot of issues beyond his sexuality.

It is up to you. His sexuality whether bisexual or gay is not important if the reason for divorce is his promiscuity. No one here can tell you for sure what his sexuality is. He may love you and bisexual men can love their spouse and still have needs for m2m sex. In your case, with his promiscuity issues no one can tell you if he still loves you. That may be part of your conversation with him if you want to remain in the marriage.

If you have specific questions about bisexuality, I'm sure that some people will try to answer them for you. Good fortune with your decisions.

[elian]

I like tenni's advice.

Bearing in mind that I know only what you've written ..

Infidelity is a seperate issue from sexual preference..it is a matter of what is agreed to when you enter into a relationship. If the understanding I had with my partner was that we were committed to each other when we entered the relationship then I would be hurt if i found out they were cheating, or I wouldn't feel right if I had strong feelings for another person and didn't tell my partner. It is a matter of discussion for all of the partners involved and it should be discussed as often as necessary to keep the relationship healthy. Some people are happy in open relationships, some people are happy when the partnerss are known, some people really only want a manogomous relationship. Children may complicate the issue as you have more to think about than just yourselves - in that case some men will hide their desire because they don't want the family to suffer shame.

As far as sexuality, like tenni says many men will hide their true feelings and desires out of fear of judgement.. There are a lot of different theories about what causes same sex attraction, and there are different kinds of attraction - some people are interested in physical acts only, some seek out emotional connection.

Personally I've always known I was "different", and certain circumstances in my life worked together to prove to me very early on that I liked boys the same way I liked girls. Not every man is that lucky, some deny it or push it away or they don't realize it until many years later..perhaps it is hormonal, or something in their life has changed. I don't know if this is true in your case and I'm not trying to make accusations but many men on here report that their wife is no longer as interested in sex as she once was.

There is pressure on all of us to conform to gender roles. For me one of the most erotic things about being with a man isn't the sex but rather that for a little while I don't have to pretend to be a monolith of strength the way society dictates..I can show all of my emotions, I can be myself, and another man accepts me for that.

People say well, it's a choice, you can choose not to sleep with men. ..and that is true, I can choose who I have sex with, but it's a lot harder to choose who I fall in love with and I do love men..some of them very much. For me that desire for an emotional connection is something that is hard to ignore. Some men really aren't interested in that at all, they just want to feel good physically.

In any event, being in relationship means that each of you have a say..you need to communicate honestly and openly and try not to accuse each other - instead of saying "You lied" say "I don't know why you couldn't tell me.."

Whether you consider porn or a sex chat line to be cheating is a matter of opinion; if your expectation is that you should be the sole fullfillment of your husband's sex life then I suppose it would be. A lot of guys look at magazines but they recognize it for what it is, a fantasy .. and they are more than happy to come home to the real thing. In a truly committed relationship I might have a problem with it if I couldn't share in the experience beacuse that would mean that all of that erotic energy is going someplace else rather than my bedroom..

[Meliss]

Your husband is getting older. He has less testosterone and especially if he has some extra padding he likely has extra estrogen. You on the other hand as an older woman are having less estrogen and more testosterone. You are becoming more like he was and he is becoming more like you were. He may truly just need a jump start to feel good about himself. Some one to tolerate him and maybe even praise him.

I think you would be shocked if you knew how many men who were married for decades simply got tired of the woman having less need and desire for sex. As a man ages it is harder for him to have an erection. If you are unwilling to assist him there and someone else is willing, he may feel best about himself when he feels sexually worth while. Many actions in life occur from fear.

He may feel unloved from you as well and your communications over time may have slipped. Please look up the ideas of Love bank where we get points for nice and romantic things but lose points from deceit an angry outburst and alienating a spouse.

Yours may be the first marriage in human history where all the problems were the blame of your spouse. I am sure your husband has always came first in your life and you have maintained your youthful curves while he has not.

I said some of the above just to have you think about things because only he and you know the gist of the realty between you two. Best of luck with your future.

[fredtyg]

I'm confused because he's extremely homophobic.

Just goes to show another example of the biggest homophobes often being bi or homosexual themselves. I've gotten to the point where I pretty much assume a guy is bi or homosexual if he regularly makes disparaging remarks about bi or homosexuals. He might be very closeted, and not admit it even to himself, but it's inside him to to some extent.

[by~his~side]

h&c,
I'm confused too. Which part of your husbands behavior are you having a hard time wrapping your head around?
I see it this way- Somewhere along the way in your 22 years of marriage, you taught your husband that you accept infidelity, deceit, and promiscuity.
I would think wondering why (or if) he has sexual urges towards the same sex would be a distant second to wondering why he treats you with such disrespect.

Good luck.
~D~

[hurt and confused]

Thank you for all the responses and I do understand you guys have not heard everything, that would take me days. I do love him and care very much about him but at some point I have to love myself. His infidelity is the issue regardless of who it's with. He's gone lot and when he's home he's not. I'm lonely and tired. I just don't think it's going to change. I am a very vibrant female, our sex life has been great up till about a year or so ago, seems like he's making excuses not to be intimate and he's never been affectionate in the public either. He seems like he's happier when he's away, calls me constantly, tells me he loves me, but when he 's home it's like a switch has flipped. I heard him tell another woman that after 22 yrs of marriage sex is just a convenience (he was flirting with her) and that hurt too. I ask myself if he's unhappy because he can't be who he really wants to be, if that's the case it's not fair to me nor him. That's why I'm having so many emotions. I have always ( it seems) to be the one who cared the most in the relationship, gave more, tolerated more but regardless I don't want to hurt him no matter how much he's hurt me. Call me stupid or gullible or naïve but that's how I'm wired. I would never approach him harshly about this and I'm definitely going to have all my facts before I do. Believe it or not my heart hurts for him, knowing that he may be in anguish over his identity and I'm mad at the same time for him hurting me. Thank you all for your honest opinions and letting me vent.....

[tenni]

h&c
Thanks for the new information. So, it is not his sexuality that is the main issue for you?

As I read your last post two ideas came to me.
1/ You may be a rescuer ? Do you find yourself being empathetic to others and try to help them? (or it is just hubby?) If it is hubby only, are you enabling him? They are both similar. There is nothing wrong with being a rescuer but it can get out of control and cause you pain even when you just wanted to help. (I'm a rescuer and it can be good and bad) You are probably correct about time to take care of yourself.

2/ You may benefit from some one on one counselling or couples counselling…or both? It seems that you may need some help in understanding your own behaviour and then you may better approach your husband with his issues.

It will be easier to avoid the counselling and just make a decision to leave. Even if you leave him, you may still benefit. As by his side states what have you done to let him think that treating you this way is acceptable? That does not excuse his slutty rude behaviour but again, take care of yourself now.

[hurt and confused]

There's no doubt I'm an enabler. I've tried to not be that nagging wife. I wanted my husband to know that I could trust him. Maybe I went to far the other direction. I agree that maybe I might need to seek counseling. For as long as I allow him to get away with it he'll continue to do it. I filed for divorce years ago and we went to counseling, that was a waste, he had no interest in helping us, told us it sounded like we had it worked out. My fault for not seeking another counselor, so I forgave him and took him back. So here we go again.

[semibi]

I don't post much here, although I have recently.

I am married, monogamous and bisexual. Marriage is difficult. My sexuality is a big issue for me. It is a small issue for my wife. I am aroused by gay porn. I had an emotional affair with a woman, who I was in love with. My attempts to address these issues in my marriage were ineffective. I have had to adapt to the reality that I care a lot more about sex and intimacy than my wife does. That has not changed my view on marriage.

In my experience, marriage is primarily about commitment. Love, positive emotions and good sex are of great importance. But, keeping those things going well throughout a marriage is perhaps beyond challenging for many of us. If we want successful marriages, I think we have to stick with our spouses through sickness and health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse.

I don't claim to be an expert, nor do I have any secrets to fixing a broken marriage. I have not done marital counseling, although I have done individual counseling. If you have reached your breaking point, perhaps divorce is the right answer for you. It seems as if you would be justified, if that's what you're looking for.

It is interesting that you came to this site to discuss the situation, if you are planning on divorce. My assumption is that you are seeking understanding. Maybe you are open to reconsideration.

First, I think you should face the reality right off that sexuality is far more complicated than most people admit. Male sexuality is not near as simple as it is described in popular culture. The part popular culture gets right is that men are often horny and they want sex, although that is not always true, of course. The part that popular culture can't begin to explain is what turns men on, let alone why. If you try to dig into that here, you will find that there is a HUGE range of male sexuality. And, this site focuses on bisexual men.

Chances are good, from what you described, that your husband has been dealing with sexual desire that makes little sense to him and that causes him discomfort and fear and perhaps self hatred. Backing him into a corner, giving him threats of divorce or attempting to force him into an acceptable box is not going to do you or him any service. I suspect that he does not understand all that is going on with his sexuality. I suspect that being honest with himself is a challenge, let alone being honest with you.

It is clear that you are in a very difficult position. So is he. Bisexuality is no walk in the park. The question is what are you going to do about it? The choice to be loving, accepting, caring and committed is not an easy one in any marriage. It certainly is not easy in the face of these challenges. You have to decide what you are willing to do.

Best to you.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Hon. Take a deep breath...step back and THINK before you act. You are talking all about deciet. yes? HOW did you find his texts on his phone? How did you over hear his conversations?(I missed the part somehow about him paying for sex calls...) Let us think about this for a moment....

All I can tell you is: Sit down and TALK to him. Openly, honestly, without getting upset. Simply tell him what you know or suspect, but be prepared for him to get pissed when you tell him you know about his phone. Trust works both ways, Babygirl.
But, communication is the best key for Anything.
Good Luck.
Cat

[Realist]

Yep, that was really delicately put, Pennsylfanisher (http://www.bisexual.com/forum/member.php?154948-Pennsylfanisher)
!! You're about a subtle as a hand grenade!

It's beyond my comprehension to understand why anyone would be so antagonistic toward someone obviously hurting and seeking legitimate advice. At no time has she said anything about wanting to be with a woman, sexually. Your lack of tact and vulgar response speaks volumes about your lack of empathy for someone in pain.

hurt and confused (http://www.bisexual.com/forum/member.php?155030-hurt-and-confused), there has been some thoughtful and viable advice given, here. I hope you will take what you need and ignore the rest. In the end the decision is yours to make. I can only hope that whatever you decide to do is the best for you. Good luck.

[zigzig]

Just goes to show another example of the biggest homophobes often being bi or homosexual themselves. I've gotten to the point where I pretty much assume a guy is bi or homosexual if he regularly makes disparaging remarks about bi or homosexuals. He might be very closeted, and not admit it even to himself, but it's inside him to to some extent.
I agree. My male friends, who are 100% straight, don't bother about gays or bi at all. If your husband reacts to it, then he probably gets sexual desires and feels ashamed. He must ,,reach balance'' in his life and admit his sexual desires, because a happy person usually don't get angry, irritated by others and gives his positiveness to others.

[tenni]

Penny
You are not addressing a roughneck. You are addressing and attacking a woman who is upset by her husband's behaviour. You suspect her as a troll?..lol I read your words and saw that you joined the site around the date that other trolls were put in cooing off. With your attack on this woman and as a newbie, I checked your other posts. They are nothing like how you addressed this woman and I am leaning towards that you are not a troll. Still you looked like you were personally attacking her…like a troll might.

People come to this site to ask questions about bisexuality. Clearly this woman hit a button of your's. Try to tone down attacks on people asking for advice a bit please. I understand your suspicion though. Go play at the campsite now..you're a lovely flirt and didn't show any roughneck behaviour there.. ;)

[dafydd]

I'm sorry Realist. It's true I have all the social graces of a Bulldozer. I find it difficult to sympathize with this poster. My Instinct detects a Troll. If my wife divorced me for my vocabulary then I'd be divorced a Billion times. That's how roughnecks talk to one another. Get that Fucking crane over here". "Who's dick do I have to suck to get this truck fixed?" "Blow me". Then she condemns him for porn. Does me watching two chicks munchin muffs make me a Lesbian? See my point? This person went through all the trouble to find this site, join this site then post to this site just to jerk us off. Now in all fairness she should make us cum or leave it alone. I'm not trying to be nasty and I'm sorry if I come off that way but if I'm wrong about her being a Troll, I'll suck your dick (See what I mean? That's how us guys talk)

What is a roughneck?

[Tuo2014]

I agree with some of the other posts in that you've already decided what to do. You're divorcing him. I'm sure that will be emotionally difficult but you will get through it. Hopefully, you'll both be able to be respectful of each other through the process. Then take some time for yourself and then move on.

[steve10557]

Penns, your posts are greatly entertaining and valid for a whole bunch of reasons. Whether the OP is a troll or not is not really a concern, this situation may apply to someone reading all this. If the poster has decided to leave the relationship, then I believe it's the only right choice for both of you, but that doesn't mean that friendship between you has to cease. A lot of us have gone as far as we can in our relationships and they have come to the end of their term, sometimes this is a natural occurrence and we should accept that some people don't mate for life, but keep it friendly and give it time to let the dust settle. Good fortune to you.

Things my old Dad said: "If you think no one cares about you, try missing an instalment!"

[csrakate]

Roughnecks are Iron workers, Steel workers, Welders, Pipe fitters, Oil Rig workers, Dozer Jockeys, Sand Hogs* And many more. They're guys who take a plane to work, clock in Monday morning and don't clock out till the job is done Two years later. They can take a word like "Fuck" and use it as a verb, noun, adjective and descriptive adjective all in one paragraph. When these guys get a tattoo it's their Union Local. They can wipe their ass with 80 grit sandpaper and make John Wayne look like some Sissy La La Nancy boy. I could go on but I think you get the drift. As I said, I'm not attacking anyone. It's just how I talk and can only imagine what you will think of me if I ever really do rip into someone. I talk the same to women as I do to men. I don't discriminate. I haven't had my ass kicked by a girl since the Fourth grade and aside from an occasional spanking I'm not looking forward to it again. It just makes me Fucking mad, no it doesn't upset my politically correct sensibilities, It makes me Fucking mad that I finally find a place in this world where someone might, just might understand and one of the first thing I find is this woman's post. Now I'm going to have to take 16 tons of shit just for me being honest? This is my last honest post. Before I post again I'll put on some Pink panties and shove a Tampon up my ass so I don't forget who I'm speaking to.

*Sandhogs dig tunnels. Their* almost all from South Boston but I don't know why.

*I meant "They're"... I went back and added this before the dreaded grammar proctologists crawl up my ass as well.
No one is asking you to silence yourself nor do we expect you "to shove a Tampon" up your ass....It's just that your tone was a bit harsh to someone who may have been seeking some answers and/or understanding. I don't agree with her views, but then again, she has apparently been blindsided by something she does not understand and she has come to this site to perhaps seek some guidance. I was full of fear and frustration when I first came to this site in 2005 and it is because of the warm acceptance that I received that I was able to put aside my fears and learn more about bisexuality. I have noticed, however, that we receive a great deal of "I just found out my husband is bi" threads that don't seem sincere and they are simply a way to put down bisexuals, but for every bad thread there is one by someone who truly needs help. It's amazing how a few kind words can help pave the way to understanding and acceptance and it behooves us to try and be a bit more tolerant of those less informed.

[elian]

Yeah, actually for a long time there was a legitimate thread on here almost every other day that started out, "I just found out my husband is Bi" so there are folks who legitimately sign up looking for answers.

With the shock of finding out, divorce may be the first thing she can think of, but maybe if she gets a few good answers it will give her some more options to think about. Personally IMO if he has cheated before and I couldn't tolerate it I probably would want out of the relationship too but that's not my decision to make.

[void()]

I was going to reply this thread. After some consideration, thought it best to not reply. Excuse me.