Came out as bisexual to wife

[BiMaleAB]

Hi everyone, I am (or was, I suppose) a long time off and on lurker here.
I guess I decided to register to simply share this personal story and maybe become a decent contributor to discussions here; but I digress:


I have been married to my wife for 7 years and we have been together for almost 10 years. I disclosed experimenting with male partners in my teenage years and a couple times very recent to us initially hooking up, but never came out as full fledged bisexual (honestly was not sure at the time). Anyways after brief initial shock, she was fine with it (she has no problem with the those who are LGBT).


I have never cheated on my wife in anyway, however I fanatasized about same sex encounters, watched gay porn a couple years after we were married. A few years ago I knew I was a full fledged bisexual guy. Was going to come out to her but lost my nerve (I love my wife and was scared of the consequences at the time). Now we have 4 kids (one just hitting preschool age and three one year olds), but I decided early last week that I could no longer bear keeping it from her and came out to her on Sunday night. I reassured her of my fidelity and commitment to her and our kids, but her initial reaction was shock that night; the next night fear, anxiety, sadness and madness set in, and she cried a lot, but we ended up having a good talk. The next day she felt better about all that and seems to have accepted it, and here we are 5 days later and the home life is more or less normal.


Sexually, I am not sure where things will go with our relationship, but I can now engage her honestly about my desires. I am hoping that after we sit down and go over the "wants, wills and won'ts" of our respective sexual feelings, that she is open to letting myself--and her for that matter--better explore our individual and mutual sexuality. It is a little soon, so I am prepared to be patient for this broader discussion. What I know is that I love my family unit and am not prepared to do anything to put it in jeopardy for my own short lived pleasures.


Anyway, I feel much more at ease with her knowing my preferences especially since she has seemingly accepted it so well. I now regret not coming out to her sooner, and I would strongly recommend to others to come out with their partners when they are ready and avoid putting it off.


Thanks to all those posters I have read over the past year here that unknowingly with their discussions helped me get to this point.

[Basin_Bouy]

Good on you! Glad you took the honest approach. I hope all works well for you and your very accepting wife

[bi_mitchell]

I reassured her of my fidelity and commitment to her and our kids, but her initial reaction was shock that night; the next night fear, anxiety, sadness and madness set in, and she cried a lot, but we ended up having a good talk.


I wonder what a man's reaction would be, if his gf/wife were to sit him down one night and confide in him, that BEFORE their relationship, she experimented sexually with other women? Would he be shocked and hang his head low? Would he fear the end of the relationship or marriage? Would he experience anxiety, sadness, madness, and be brought to tears? I'm betting on high fives all around!

The more I frequent forums like this, or others, that pertain to mens sexuality or variations in lifestyle. The more I see that it's always met with such immense drama, fear, anger, distance, and of course the constant threat to the end of the relationship, any time a man tries to be open and honest. The power and authority that woman have over men and their emotions is amazing to me, and I wonder if men will ever stand up and demand some equality in these area's of their lives.

[NMCowboys]

I wonder what a man's reaction would be, if his gf/wife were to sit him down one night and confide in him, that BEFORE their relationship, she experimented sexually with other women? Would he be shocked and hang his head low? Would he fear the end of the relationship or marriage? Would he experience anxiety, sadness, madness, and be brought to tears? I'm betting on high fives all around!

The more I frequent forums like this, or others, that pertain to mens sexuality or variations in lifestyle. The more I see that it's always met with such immense drama, fear, anger, distance, and of course the constant threat to the end of the relationship, any time a man tries to be open and honest. The power and authority that woman have over men and their emotions is amazing to me, and I wonder if men will ever stand up and demand some equality in these area's of their lives.

My partner and I know bisexual and heterosexual men who have told us that they refuse to partner, have a relationship, and certainly do not want to marry with a bisexual woman.

These bi and hetero men said that they want a completely monogamous relationship with a woman and that a bisexual woman would eventually desire to have sex with another woman and they would worry or have anxiety that she would cheat on them with a woman or a man, and that they would not be enough for her.

Both of us have also encountered bisexual women who have said how they do not want to partner, have a relationship or marry a bisexual man. There are probably men on this site who are married or with bisexual women who have said how they are OK with a woman being bisexual but they do not like it when a man is bisexual or gay.

[Hypersexual11]

bi_mitchell...I hear you but I think you are assuming no differences in a man and woman's sexuality. The reason AB had to deal with this is because his wife sees sex as a full on emotional issue where he is probably thinking of this side of his sexuality, less in cuddling and kissing and more in spread ass cheeks. This is why my wife and I MMF rather than swing. She knows I'm not going home with the dude I'm blowing. And she goes insane with jealousy at the thought of me with another woman. So we do what works for us.

The key to most relationships is communication and that key is in the back of the junk drawer for most of us, me included. I bottled up being bi for 30 years. I commend your brass balls AB to throw this out there. You got through one hard part, now it just gets harder for awhile. You will want to talk about this, make it a part of your life. She will want to forget about it. Based on her reaction, I doubt she will initiate any discussion. She will be very uncomfortable every time you bring it up. She most likely won't be open to any aspect of this being an active part of your lives.
10 years seems like a long time but really it isn't. When you bring up this subject, you need to be paying VERY close attention to her reaction. It may be subtle and you may not know her well enough yet to recognize the signs. I can read my wife like a book. An eye movement can give away her feelings and I can direct a conversation to more comfortable areas. If you push it, you can damage the relationship. She may see this as being more important in your life than you describe to her. I know you feel like a weight is off your shoulder but it's not a time to relax. Your wife is in a very delicate area right now, please tread lightly. my 2 cents.

ps In order to make my bisexual.com experience more enjoyable, I have added nmcowboys to my ignore list. I have no idea what he said but if it is to generate a response, please for the sake of us who have ignored him, please refrain from quoting him in your posts. Since I plan on following this post, I'll end up having to read his.....comments

[NjbiGuy01]

I told my wife years ago about my bi history starting in middle school through the years before we married. Lately, when she gets a couple of drinks in her or smokes some weed, she loosens up and asks questions and wants more details. What initially was somewhat hurting almost revolting to her has now slowly starting being discussed...It's amazing how she gets soaking wet during sex while asking about things I did and with whom....seems she's coming around. Last night I asked "would you love to see me suck a cock or suck one with me ?"...she said "I'm not sure...". Well, it wasn't a NO !

I've often said that if she wanted another man, woman or couple I would support it. She said she "gets why a woman might be bi or gay, on an emotional level", in that woman better understand women emotionally. I told her I suspect that a woman likely understands a woman's body awfully well too. I don't know that I see her going there, but who knows ?

Last night I worked a rather realistic rubber cock in and out of her as I licked and sucked her clit and she sucked me. She clutched the covers and moaned something hella serious...I said "so you like another dick in your pussy don't you ?"....She just said "oh man, that was amazing ! "...who knows....

[semibi]

Hello AB,

I am bi, married, with kids, monogamous, and never tried same-sex sex. I attempted to talk to my wife about my bisexuality a few years ago. I got some of the information out. She wasn't interested in hearing much of it. I didn't want to force it on her for my sake. So, I shared and waited and shared and waited and shared and waited. She didn't ask questions, so I know she was not interested. Unfortunately, our sex life plummeted after that. I won't blame her. And, I won't blame my bisexuality. There are lots of reasons. It's complicated. But, I am left in a basically sexless marriage. I won't cheat. And, I will stay married. I love my family. And, I am blessed to have them. But, it is a strange existence to be bi, married and virtually celibate. I'd say you are doing well that your wife is aware and accepting. Enjoy your life. And, don't sweat the small stuff. I'm glad you have this kind of intimacy with her. I think that's where the joy is, not just where you put your parts.

[CurEUs_Male]

BiMaleAB,
Congratulations! Taking such a step is a big accomplishment. Being able to have your spouse with you on this path, regardless of where it leads, is a huge benefit. I have some specific support groups I have been a part of for couples (one or both) in mixed orientation marriages. While it sounds like you have a good place to be, I'm sure you both would benefit from some additional support from those of us that are on the similar path.


biMitchell,
THe notion that all men would be thrilled to have a bi wife is a bit of a myth. The groups I have been a part of have some very upset men that are struggling to tolerate/accept/embrace the notion of a married bisexual. Often it has been a secret and the issues of secrecy and or cheating/dishonesty cloud the field when trying to figure out what is going on. These men are hurt much like wives that are surprised to hear of the very different side of the man they love. I'm not saying all men are troubled. Some are very happy with the idea, and in the swing world where sex is treated as a simpler form of entertainment they are typically on board with it, but outside of those environments it is just as big a shock to either sex to be told such a deep thing.

Al

[mwm_1111]

Congrats! Glad I'm open with my wife about it.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Congrats Darlin. You are on a good path, and who knows? Maybe your lady might accept that its a part of you, and might come around to the idea of letting you play now and then..:}
Good Luck.
Cat

[Fzmr9t]

I congratulate you on your bravery and honesty, and on having an understanding partner. I've been married for over 30 years and know my wife very well. Well enough to know that if I ever came out to her about my sexuality, she'd shed 215 lbs of ugly fat (me) in a heartbeat.

[BiMaleAB]

bi_mitchell...I hear you but I think you are assuming no differences in a man and woman's sexuality. The reason AB had to deal with this is because his wife sees sex as a full on emotional issue where he is probably thinking of this side of his sexuality, less in cuddling and kissing and more in spread ass cheeks. This is why my wife and I MMF rather than swing. She knows I'm not going home with the dude I'm blowing. And she goes insane with jealousy at the thought of me with another woman. So we do what works for us.

The key to most relationships is communication and that key is in the back of the junk drawer for most of us, me included. I bottled up being bi for 30 years. I commend your brass balls AB to throw this out there. You got through one hard part, now it just gets harder for awhile. You will want to talk about this, make it a part of your life. She will want to forget about it. Based on her reaction, I doubt she will initiate any discussion. She will be very uncomfortable every time you bring it up. She most likely won't be open to any aspect of this being an active part of your lives.
10 years seems like a long time but really it isn't. When you bring up this subject, you need to be paying VERY close attention to her reaction. It may be subtle and you may not know her well enough yet to recognize the signs. I can read my wife like a book. An eye movement can give away her feelings and I can direct a conversation to more comfortable areas. If you push it, you can damage the relationship. She may see this as being more important in your life than you describe to her. I know you feel like a weight is off your shoulder but it's not a time to relax. Your wife is in a very delicate area right now, please tread lightly. my 2 cents.

ps In order to make my bisexual.com experience more enjoyable, I have added nmcowboys to my ignore list. I have no idea what he said but if it is to generate a response, please for the sake of us who have ignored him, please refrain from quoting him in your posts. Since I plan on following this post, I'll end up having to read his.....comments



Hyper and bimitchell; i think you misunderstand my wife's initial reaction. I certainly would be in shock if the shoe were on the other foot. When something like this happens its bound to get someone's mind going in every direction. People just have to go through certain motions before it sets in and you calmly think about it and know, "everything is okay".

At any rate I certainly did not bring this up to be forgotten about, and I know my wife well enough to know that she is fine to talk about it. It has still been less than a week and I am in no rush to push to much into discussion just yet. We are also very busy with a 3 year old and baby triplets and thus makes our time to discuss "adult things" very scarce.

She did say today that she noticed since Sunday that I seem more relaxed and at ease in my demeanour, which she of course appreciates (who wouldn't).

[BiMaleAB]

Hello AB,

I am bi, married, with kids, monogamous, and never tried same-sex sex. I attempted to talk to my wife about my bisexuality a few years ago. I got some of the information out. She wasn't interested in hearing much of it. I didn't want to force it on her for my sake. So, I shared and waited and shared and waited and shared and waited. She didn't ask questions, so I know she was not interested. Unfortunately, our sex life plummeted after that. I won't blame her. And, I won't blame my bisexuality. There are lots of reasons. It's complicated. But, I am left in a basically sexless marriage. I won't cheat. And, I will stay married. I love my family. And, I am blessed to have them. But, it is a strange existence to be bi, married and virtually celibate. I'd say you are doing well that your wife is aware and accepting. Enjoy your life. And, don't sweat the small stuff. I'm glad you have this kind of intimacy with her. I think that's where the joy is, not just where you put your parts.

Sorry to hear it is that way for you semi. Knowing next to nothing about your situation, should you not at least try and engage your wife in a semi honest sexual relationship discussion (assuming bisexuality is a total non disclosure issue in your case? As a monogamous man committed to his family your wife should still respect the need to have a discussion and work through this problem part of your relationship.

Best of luck to you sir.

[semibi]

Of course. I have attempted to engage in honest discussions many times. It seems my situation is what it is.

[querty]

AB - our situation are SO similar. It's a big, brave, step you've taken and it was the right one. It will take some time for this new dynamic to incorporate itself into the emotional, mental, and physical fabric of the relationship . So give it time and pay attention for subtle indications as she processes it, which in itself will take time. In my situation there was additional challenges that had much less to do with the revelation of my sexuality, vs. how that revelation played into issues my wife was struggling with at the time that I was actually unaware of. If a lot of time passes without having discussed it, ask her about it.


In the end, for me and my awesome wife, it made our relationship stronger! Best wishes for the two of you!

[BiMaleAB]

Thanks for those kind words querty.

[centillini]

Good for you

[Ebonybifemme7]

I dont know if I could ever be married to a bisexual man. But its good that you were honest, I appreciate your honesty.

[matutum]

being bi-sexual doesn't mean that a man can't be true to you. I'm bi and been married 20 years and never played around on my wife.

[tenni]

being bi-sexual doesn't mean that a man can't be true to you. I'm bi and been married 20 years and never played around on my wife.

sure it is possible. It is also possible that you are not being true to yourself. Good that life has been "easy" for you…or maybe not. ;)

[jem_is_bi]

Life was very much that easy for me, until I realized I was not all that far away for taking those feelings to the grave. I do not have that problem now am very satisfied I will have no regrets when I say good bye to all.

[BiMaleAB]

I dont know if I could ever be married to a bisexual man. But its good that you were honest, I appreciate your honesty.

Out of curiousity would you kindly elaborate as to why you do not think you could ever be married to a bisexual man?