Advice wanted

[miezeken]

Hey Forums. So I wanted to get some advice on some of the stuff I'm going through.

Cos y'know, you guys know your shit ;)

Anyway I'm 30 and recently told my GF of 3+ years I'm bi. We live together. It was pretty tricky as I'd sort of known for years, but not consciously known...

I'd always felt uncomfortable around guys because some of the time I'd realise I'd want to fuck them. I didn't know that is what the feeling meant at the time, I didn't believe it was possible for me to feel this way. I was straight. So I'd feel all in knots and anxious for what was essentially a big part of my life. I've had many male friends, some of them I'm not attracted to - and some I am.

I didn't tell her for a while after I knew. I did a lot of yoga back then and as weird as it sounds, it helped me relax into and acknowledge my true feelings. That, the occasional night on good drugs with great, honest communications - and a lot of soul searching. So I had to tell her. She freaked out a bit when I did, running a gamut of emotions, from casual humor, mournful disdain and righteous anger. Then she leveled out, offering to be present if I wanted to try something with another guy. We waited a while, I did nothing, then she said "Perhaps that isn't fair, it might make things more difficult" and said she was OK with me trying it with someone else, just as long as I told her all about it and didn't see the same person more than once.

She's even mentioned some fantasies she has of more than 1 person...

I'm scared if I do it, she'll freak out and we'll break up. She's so important to me, the most important thing in my life. I'm scared she thinks she is cool with it but will collapse if I come home one day and say I gave some guy head and it was reciprocated (which is all I want to do at this stage). I don't want to lie about it, as I've cheated before with others and it ruins things.

To my questions:
Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
Did you go there?
Did you not go there?
how did your partner react?
What were the implications for your relationship?
How do you go about meeting someone for this? Grindr?

My apologies for all the detail and all the questions. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. It was a really hard thing to go through, realizing I was bi. I want to emerge out of this smiling and laughing, not depressed and anxious.

Thanks for reading.

[bityme]

I didn't tell her for a while after I knew. I did a lot of yoga back then and as weird as it sounds, it helped me relax into and acknowledge my true feelings. That, the occasional night on good drugs with great, honest communications - and a lot of soul searching. So I had to tell her. She freaked out a bit when I did, running a gamut of emotions, from casual humor, mournful disdain and righteous anger. Then she leveled out, offering to be present if I wanted to try something with another guy. We waited a while, I did nothing, then she said "Perhaps that isn't fair, it might make things more difficult" and said she was OK with me trying it with someone else, just as long as I told her all about it and didn't see the same person more than once.

She's even mentioned some fantasies she has of more than 1 person...

I'm scared if I do it, she'll freak out and we'll break up. She's so important to me, the most important thing in my life. I'm scared she thinks she is cool with it but will collapse if I come home one day and say I gave some guy head and it was reciprocated (which is all I want to do at this stage). I don't want to lie about it, as I've cheated before with others and it ruins things.

First, answers to your questions:Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
Did you go there?
Some did.

Did you not go there?
Some didn't although some of those still might.

how did your partner react?
Everyone's reaction is different and should not be viewed as a predictor of how your girlfriend might react.

What were the implications for your relationship?
The implications for every relationship is different and should not be viewed as a predictor of how your relationship might be affected.

How do you go about meeting someone for this?
You might find someone any number of different ways. Adult oriented internet sites are very common.

I'm sure that none of the above answers has provided any help. I probably did that on purpose because I think it might be important to consider some other issues first.

Kudos to you for wanting to be open and honest with her. That, by far, is the best policy.

Let's look at where you are:
1. You acknowledged your desires to yourself.
2. You told her and after a bit of drama, she displayed some understanding and said she wanted to be present during your experimentation.
3. You did nothing.
4. She said it was OK for you do experiment without her as long as you tell her all about it and don't see the same person more than once.
5. You still haven't done anything and you are afraid that if you do it will have an adverse effect on your relationship.

The two of you need to relax and have some more of that open, honest communication you mentioned. Tell her your reluctance to experiment is because of your concern for her and how important she is to you. Let her know that she and your relationship are more important than your desire to experiment with another male. Also let her know that while you are willing to forego indulging your desires at present, you have no idea what those desires will be like in the future. (Generally speaking, for most people, such unfulfilled desires seem to get stronger as time goes on.)

Go back to the idea of her being present. Her being present provides the best protection for your relationship and ensures that she won't freak out and break up when told after the fact.

Discuss your desire is only to experiment with giving and receiving oral pleasure with another man. Neither of you can predict exactly how that will work out, but you can be ready to handle various reactions and lay out some ground rules. You can't be sure that when the opportunity presents itself that you will actually go through with it. You need to give yourself permission to stop or back out at any point. She needs the same permission, to be able to leave and not watch or to stop you at any time because she thinks seeing or knowing more will hurt the relationship. You should set up some signals or safe words or phrases that will indicate you have reached a point near your limit or that you want the session to stop. Once these rules are decided, they should, once the encounter begins, be written in stone and not altered at any time during the session. You also need to set up any rules relating to her involvement. Will she be there only to watch or will she have the option to join in? To what extent can she participate? Make it a contract. Write out all the rules you decide on and both of you sign it.

Once you've got the contract and you both agreed to the rules, you can work together to find the guy. Both of you can suggest someone, but you make the selection together. You both need to be comfortable with the person you will be involved with. Meet with that person socially first over a cocktail or coffee. Explain that it's your first time, that you are unsure about things and want the option to back out or stop at any time. Tell him about all the rules you and she have established. You can even have him sign the contract showing his agreement.

I hope these suggestions help you.

Pappy

[NMCowboys]

You answered your own question about her. Since you know if you have sex with other people besides her or cheat how it would ruin your relationship with her, don't have sex with a man or anyone else but her, unless of course you want to end your relationship with her.