My situation, not that you asked

[Azrael]

Another night of wigging out over human relations bullshit. Of laying in bed staring at the ceiling trying to make sense of everything. Of trying to understand myself. Things go well with the new boy, but for how long I wonder. I care for him deeply, and he's totally stuck on me, enamored that is to say. I realized at some point in my last relationship that things are much easier with monogamy in many respects. I have always been faithful, except when I had the consent of my partner not to be. The jealousy was one of many factors that caused she and I to fracture. I realized that casual sex is damn near impossible for me, and like it or not I will develop attachments to people I'm intimate with. I'm romantically and sexually attracted to men and women. This I have no problem with, but it sure makes day to day life confusing as all hell. When I was with a woman all I could think about was how much I missed being with men. Now I'm with a man whom I like a lot, but even now with a totally affectionate partner I desperately miss the touch of a woman. I keep trying to just go with it but I go on these crazy thought tangents that I'm forever doomed with relationships because I can't seem to be happy with just one man or one woman. I told my ex I was along the line of thinking of why can't I have a girlfriend and a boyfriend, but quickly said I know that's not realistic. It is, however what I honestly want. Realizing this about myself has done little but drive me completely batshit. I keep telling myself I'm overreacting but I can't stop these thoughts. Mainly my worry is that I'm some kind of heartbreaker freak demon thing because I know this will eventually become a major issue. I have no desire to hurt anyone. But I have been determined for some time now to be myself, whatever that means. I don't want to become some kind of petrified house ape and just give up on human courtship, either. I like being with men. I love it. But I also might want a wife and family one day. Be the father I never had. It would be easier if I preferred one gender, but I'd be lying if I said I did. So many nights I mentally vomit my insecurities and dread into the form of text, never getting anywhere. The main problem is fear. Of myself, I suppose. I don't want to feel like I'm using people I'm monogamously involved with. He says he's alright with my ideas but I think he just really wants to be with me and is choosing to ignore it. I don't know. I have no problem with myself, but the outside world makes me twitch in utter confusion. I wonder if I'll ever truly settle down. Without being medicated, that is :cool: Does anyone else grapple with stuff like this? I realize I'm quite young and should relax a bit, but I don't really know anyone I can broach this subject with. My family, uh, no. I realize that it's important to make oneself happy, but I can only psyche myself out for so long. I guess I should drop it for now in the interest of not getting any more worked up, I just had to get that out of my system. Besides, I'll be 24 in 6 hours :flag1:

[DannyJ]

Ah, the joys of the confusion of youth...one of these days, you will say to someone--like I'm saying to you, and countless others have said and will say to still others--we've all been there, each in his and her own way. You're not the one who's confused, society is. You say when you're with a woman, you think about being with a man, and vice versa...Baby, that's just being a sentient sexual being; it's our society that tries to force us toward this path or that, which just doesn't work for a lot of people, and it can be confusing, especially if all paths should lead to the same ultimate destination: wholeness of spirit and body, and happiness and peace within. You take your time, pick the path you want, change the path if you want and enjoy the trip. One last thing: Happy Birthday!

[codybear3]

24 y/o in six minus some hours....Happy Birthday Azrael...Like Danny sez, we have all been there in our own way...I saw a sign once that read, "You laugh at me cause I'm different...I laugh at you cause you are all the same..." The world is full of strange twists and turn, and so are our daily lives...At 23 y/o (I dunno if six hours have passed yet for you), confusion is still part of our lives...When you get older, confusion remains but it is no longer a force that, I personally, fret over... :) Hope you have a fantastic journey getting over some of your confusions... :paw: :paw:

[Amishmafia]

To start, Happy Birthday!!

I apologize ahead of time for any typos or mispelled words, my glasses broke and im having a hell of a time reading all this.lol.

Though I have not made a huge effort at being a serious member of this community (referring to bisexual.com) I read everyones posts, because im searching for some of the same answers, well probably all the answers regarding my seuality, as you are.

Being Single for over a year now has been difficult for me, for a number of reasons. I moved last september to North Carolina, from New York, making a huge change in my life. Part of this move was to find who I am, and be that person. Face my insecurities about coming fully out and making a time of it.
Old habits die hard. Im a very masculine guy, and I guess no one would label me as anything but straight (and or a nerd) so no one assumes anything otherwise. The friends I make, the ones who fit my sense of humor and personalty are not from the gay, or even a gay friendly community, infact, most of the gay people I have met down here are very uptight and have no interests that coincide with my own. This became very disheartening.

My last relationship was with a woman, whom I care about deeply. We are still great friends. I came out to her after a short while of dating. She labled me as Gay, because in her interpretation of my feelings toward men and woman, I am only attracted to woman for the "normal relationship" aspect and to have a family. She thinks my true passion is for men. I rolled this around for a while, thinking maybe she was right. Then I came to the conclusion that men were objects of lust to me, nothing more, and I truly did want a wife and eventually kids, but do I trust myself?

I cant say the thought of casual sex excites me. Multiple partners, lovers on the side. Many people make this work, but I have searched to the depths of my concsience and cannot place myself in that situation. So I flip flop, a man this year, a woman the next and much like yourself, the entire time I choose one of these, I am yearning for the other. Much like yourself, I lay awake at night, sometimes finding no sleep and go over and over and over, everything that has happend in my life, my relationships, search for the answer, the switch. I think about my childhood, what could have given me cause for this dilemma.

When I first reached puberty I was very conflicted. As an early adolescent, I never really found myself attracted to women. Ocaasionally, but not in the classic sense everyone thinks about. I didnt get constant erections in the classroom while the attractive substitute teacher, fresh out of community college, bent over to puck up the chalkboard eraser. I was getting erections while fantasizing about the cute guy across the room. When I first came out to my parents (which I mentioned in another post, Gays and Parents I believe) this was my frist realization of sexuality. My first attractions. They were to men, or rather at that time, boys.

I guess I might have proven that I am gay, and that the only reason I fancy women is because im looking for the norm. But this does not negate the fact that I want chidren or a wife. I cant see myself spending the rest of my life knowing that I will never sire a child of my own and with the one I love. But unless science has some miraculous breakthroughs within the next ten or fifteen years, I see no perfect answer.

I am rambling now and i am sorry for that, but know that you are not as alone as you think you are. Though I think it is a unique situation we find ourselves in, someone has to find the answer, and that might just show up one day in the form of true love. Maybe that will show us the reality of things, at least I hope so.

Regards my friend, and I hope you have a wonderful birthday.

- Rob

[littlerayofsunshine]

To be honest I don't really know how to respond to your post.

I just wanna wish you HAPPY BIRTHDAY and give you a ((((((HUG))))). Hope you don't mind.

[Azrael]

Much obliged for the kind words. I've been frequently told I think too much. Personally, I don't think there is such a thing. The birthday is going reasonably well thusfar. At any rate, the purpose of this was to thank you wonderful people for helping me with my catharsis. Much love.

[Avocado]

I'm sorry to hear your situation. You might want to rethink your life - perhaps having a partner of each gender is easier to achieve than you think. Or perhaps it's a case of the grass is greener? I don't have a preference for brown or blue eyes but don't find the need to be with both at the same time.

[Azrael]

I'm sorry to hear your situation. You might want to rethink your life - perhaps having a partner of each gender is easier to achieve than you think. Or perhaps it's a case of the grass is greener? I don't have a preference for brown or blue eyes but don't find the need to be with both at the same time.
Rethinking shit is a daily activity. I don't really know how to approach a two partner situation. I'm being careful not to get too serious with the new boy. He's a sweet thing, but comes on a little strong at times. Perhaps it is a greener grass situation. I was terrified of getting married because I'd had lots of sex, but never love with a man. I didn't want to tie the knot and become another bisexual husband statistic (no offense intended to anyone). It's wierd, the most difficult decision in my life was not to decide. I had a gay or straight mentality for many years but realized putting myself in a box was killing me. I choose not to :bigrin: That said, I do find myself fascinated with the whole poly thing. The idea of love without jealousy intrigues me. I despise the 'if you're with me you're mine' mentality. People are not objects to be possessed.

[Chaia]

Happy, happy birthday!! Hope it is going very well and you are able to stop thinking briefly to have some fun. I, too, have been told that I think too much. I don't think that is such a bad thing. Sometimes I wish I could switch it off like some people--it would make sleeping come easier. I am 10 years older than you and I am still very confused by many things. A lot of people on this site talk about being able to be happy with just one gender at a time. I am like you and realize that I would be happiest with a man and a woman in my life. So far, this is not something that is feasible. However, I think that I have compensated by being married to my loving and understanding husband and having some very close female friends--a couple of them know that I am bi and we flirt, a couple of them do not know and we are just good friends. Sometimes this helps more than others. Recently, I tried to pursue a relationship with a woman, but she was like many other people and decided that no matter how much she loved me, she could not be poly, which I respect, even if I don't understand. I'm working through all of that. But, we did a lot of communicating, because I did not want to use her and hurt her, just like you don't want to hurt anyone. I get that. Good luck to you--like Codybear said, try to enjoy the journey, that is what I am trying to do, as well. :)

[gthommo]

I'm really grateful for your initial posting and the subsequent contributions. I write as a gay man very happy to be with a man. A few years back I had a whirlwind romance with a man who turned out to be bi. It caused me a surprising amount of pain and he found it difficult to articulate what he felt. YOU have said what I think he was trying to say.

At the risk of being too optimistic I think you need to find someone with whom you can share your desire for variety and where jealousy will, therefore, have less basis or justification. Balance and equality could be the key.

[redheadedwench]

hey, happy birthday!! i also echo your feelings. it's sad, but most people don't want to help and support our feelings/issues. they just want to be a hindrance and put a damper on them. but, on a great site like this we can put forth our feelings and find out that there are others that have the same feelings, or are going through similiar situations. and to me-that is a wonderous help. sometimes, for me anyway, just getting it out in writing or saying it out loud, also is a big help. so, thank you for your posting.

redheadedwench :2cents: :flag4: :rotate:

[Azrael]

At the risk of being too optimistic I think you need to find someone with whom you can share your desire for variety and where jealousy will, therefore, have less basis or justification. Balance and equality could be the key.
I don't know that your thoughts are "too optimistic". Perhaps I myself just need to be more optimistic. That said, I do appreciate you sharing your thoughts. This guy is all over me, but I've explained that what I need is a friend and not a lover. He's been supportive, but a few times he got really touchy feely with me and I just wasn't having it. He's in a live in program now (got himself in some trouble for violating his probation for selling weed) and were just being friends at this point. As badly as I want to be loved I'm just not ready. Despite me ending our relationship, I miss her terribly. I've seen her a few times since I got out, and it eased my pain to see she's not suffering too badly. She told me she would always be my friend, for which I am grateful. I found myself wondering if I'm purely sexually attracted to men and then realized I'm just not romantically attracted to THIS guy. It's wierd, starting over with just me. I had a dream the other night where I met a young woman. She was beautiful and fiercely intelligent and everything I could possibly want in a partner. Her name was Mary. I refused to wake up I was so serene. Is my mind trying to tell me I badly want to be with a woman? Perhaps I'm unnecessarily brainfucking it, but it really stuck with me. Maybe it means something, maybe not, but it was the happiest I've been in ages. I've at least stopped crying myself to sleep at night, but now a different sort of anxiety has set in. Of trying to contain every feral rebellious desire my twisted little heart can muster. I'll be living at my mother's house for at least six months and in a lot of respects it's like being pushed back in the closet. All my family seems to care about is the person I am on paper. What's really eating me is I've forgotten how to go out and meet people. It's almost like a sort of social paralysis I've come to know. Well, I could gripe about this for hours but I don't think it would achieve much. Balance and equality are definetely critical factors for any future relationship I'll find myself in.