Boyfriend is newly out as Bi, but never been with a man. What do I do?

[HelloGoodBi]

Hey, Bisexual.com community! My boyfriend and I are having a bit of a rough time trying to figure out what to do and I could use advice from people who can relate.

I am a straight 21 year old woman and have been dating my 28 year old boyfriend for a year and a half - we are madly in love. Just last week, he finally came out to me and told me that he is bisexual. (I was the first person he ever told and I'm so honored he trusted me with this. I truly admire his bravery and honesty.) He has never been with a man, only kissed a few in college. He said he is mainly straight and wants to end up with a woman, but definitely has bisexual attractions. My boyfriend and I often talk about marriage, kids, and want to spend the rest of our lives together. I totally support and respect his sexuality - I love him for who he is no matter what.

The problem is not that he is bi, but that he has never actually done anything with a guy. He said he does not want to be in a relationship with a man and doesn't see that for himself, but does want to sexually fool around with them (no penetration). I worry that somewhere down the line, in 5 or 30 years, he will resent me for keeping him from exploring or he will leave me for a man because he couldn't hold it in any longer. I am not willing to do an open relationship, though he said that's not an option to him, either. We both respect monogamy and want to be in a faithful relationship with just the 2 of us.

So the question is: do I break-up with him and let him sexually explore? This could end in us either getting back together or continuing our separate ways. OR do we stay together until he potentially can't take it anymore and he makes the call to break up? He said he has kept this desire in for 28 years and would hold onto our relationship for forever. I just want to be fair to him, and he wants to be fair to me, but it just seems win-lose to me either way.

I am not sure if I should respect his decision to stay with me, knowing it could possibly lead him to have regrets later in life, OR make the decision for him to let him explore his identity and risk us never getting back together. I love this man more than anything in the world and want to make it work.

Advice? Thoughts? Thanks so much.

[Bellonya]

Well, maybe my experience will help you a bit.
My boyfriend is also bi, though he's 22 years old, and he feels strong, sexual desires for boys. In his teens he was represed and couldn't explore his sexuality, so now when a long period of time goes by without him having contact with a boy, he starts suffering.
We've been together for more than a year and a half, but after the first 6 months of a monogamous relationship, he couldn't take it anymore, this anxiety of his was over the top.
At first I was like you, I was completely closed to the idea of sharing him with another boy, but it was either changing something or losing him completely.
So, and with my "permission" he kissed a boy. And then he moved to more sexual experiences during the time we've been together.

Now, even though your boyfriend says that he can supress those urges, it may come a time when he wakes up and thinks that he has lost time (this is what happened with mine), and, although I doubt that he'll resent you, it may lead to serious complications.
How do you feel about your boyfriend kissing a boy once? or occasionally? A complete stranger for both of you.
I know it sounds madness, and it's up to you, obviously you shouldn't do anything you don't feel comfortable with. Breaking up doesn't have to be the solution, you can work on a mutual understanding for him to explore and that you can still be at ease with.
Honestly, I don't know if represing that desire will lead to something good, represing is never a good idea, no matter what, and exploring when you are married and with kids it's a bit more complicated. Maybe now is the time, and you can be by his side.

[HelloGoodBi]

Thanks, Bellonya. Anyone else have experience?

[12voltman59]

I can say---that if he really does have a desire to do something sexually with another guy---he will eventually do so---it might take five minutes from now or several decades---but in all probability---he will do something---but being as young as he is---I say---he needs to take a deep breath and just take his time and of course--when he gets with someone-----take all necessary precautions when engaging in sex.

As far as your relationship is concerned-----just proceed as normal----if he had not come out saying he is bisexual or at least "bi-curious"--you still would always face the possibility that he could find another girl to be with---and in that case---it was likely that you would have been cut off from him---but if he takes his explorations with other guys along a track that most of us have----he will be with them for such things-but will come back to you as his prime relationship.

I would suggest that you give him that space and time, as hard as that sounds to do such exploration--should he really want to do it---because if you know about it---and he is open about what he did and such---then you can share it with him. If he really wants to do that and you say no to it---he with either dump you or go around and do it behind your back---and that of course is no good.

So---my advice is to actually openly encourage him to do such exploration--with the both of you setting the nature and boundaries of what he does with other guys.

Once he does some things with some other guys--he might find he wants no part of that at all and you once again--have him to yourself with a stronger relationship as a result.

You might find him to become an even better and more open lover as a result of him having done things with other guys and he gains a new appreciation of the sex you guys have and increase your degree of intimacy.

I wish you guys luck and all the best.

[HelloGoodBi]

I'm sorry, but I don't think I'll ever be okay with him hooking up with other people while we are in a committed relationship. I'm attracted to other people too, but I don't think that gives me an excuse to hook up with them, regardless of gender.

[zigzig]

I agree with other posts that oppressing sexuality is harmful to a person. I'm bisexual married to a straight guy. Even though I love him so much, my attraction to women never faded. Your loved one will always have attraction to both, and you must accept it. Me & my husband have plans that in future we would want to experiment like share a woman, because my husband would also like to have different sexual experience. I was his 2nd girlfriend so he didn't had other women to engage in sex. You need variety to keep intimacy alive.

[hasty1]

I would say that it's very early in this journey for both of you and it's not the time to be making decisions. I've been through a similar journey and at different times I've had wildly different feelings about what I might or might not accept in my relationship. Ultimately I love my partner, want him to be happy and I want to keep that, but it's taken much thought, discussion, misunderstanding and honesty to get to a point where we both understand how our relationship is going to work and incorporate his being bisexual. For me the turning point came when he told me that he would suppress/deal with this side of him so it didn't hurt me any more. I thought about it for 24 hours and decided that I loved him so much I didn't want this for him. This is our relationship however, and yours may be quite different, I would say just take your time, talk and really try and understand what bisexuality means to him. It may be he doesn't know yet, in fact I'd say that this was mostly likely from what you've said so it will take some time. You may find that your position regarding not having an open relationship hardens or that you might be able to participate with him, but it's a journey you as a couple need to take. For the record my partner and I have agreed that we will have threesomes with bisexual men in the future, but the weird thing is that he's been very focused on me sexually since we made this agreement and we've not done anything yet. It seems to be that for the moment my acceptance, and the fact I'm quite kinky and agreeable to all sorts of play in the bedroom, seem to be enough. Whether or when that changes, and all things do change, we'll have to see, but we feel ready for it. It might sound very settled and happy, but it took years of work to get here. Your relationship is about the 2 of you, try not to buy into what anyone else thinks you should do.

[Bishyguy1958]

As the bisexual in the relationship, I can offer one suggestion: Accept it. My wife of 25 years found out, and totally flipped out. Mind you, I have NEVER cheated on her with anyone, male or female. She can't accept that it's been inside me since I can remember. We didn't "decide" one day to be bi, in fact, I denied it for too many years. Not only do I now accept the fact, but I feel fortunate that I am bisexual, even though I too, have never acted on it. Talk to him. Now is the time for communication. He obviously loves you and wants to make your relationship work. Find out how you can help him act out those urges. With my wife and I, using strapons has gone a long way. (Funny, we did that BEFORE she found out...you would have thought she might suspect..) Talk to me if you wish. You won't be bothering me. Have HIM talk to me, if he needs an understanding ear. Our relationship hasn't been the same since she found out.

[12voltman59]

I don't subscribe to the idea that I think some people have that being bisexual gives one a pass at "cheating" on a partner----but what I talked about comes from my own experience of nearly a decade and a half of talking to and getting to know probably several hundred guys both in person, but mostly online, regarding their "bisexual desires" and from what they say---and my own feelings and "path to discovery" of my bisexuality----that even though the guys who were married loved their wives, didn't want to hurt them or risk their relationship---their desire to finally do something--ANYTHING with other guys, got so strong----that they threw caution and everything else to the wind by meeting up and doing things with other guys.

Even though I did not have any long term relationship during the early stages of when I decided I HAD to finally do something with other guys again after several decades of not doing anything of the sort-----I have to admit--that had I been involved in such a relationship---I would have felt compelled to do something with other guys in spite of that relationship.

I think that even though you may not be happy about your boyfriend saying he is bisexual----you are going to have to accept that he feels he is----and at some point---he is going to really want to act on those desires----like I said---whether that action takes place in the near future or 20 years from now-----its a very high probability that he will do something with other guys.

[Ebonybifemme7]

​I believe homosexuality and bisexuality exist, I think that a man or woman can be gay or bi, and speaking as a bisexual female I try to be an opened minded as possible. But me, personally, dont know if I could be in a relationship with a bi man. I have pleeeeeeenty of fantasies. But dont know if I could be in a relationship with one. Hell, I dont know if I could be in a relationship with me! LOL. Kinda understand why a lot of straight and gay people dont really want to be in a relationship with a bisexual person. Chatted with PLENTY of bisexual men and women over the past ten plus years and they indecisive as hell! Now, a person can be with whoever they want to be with. But I would advise you to do research, and to ask your boyfriend questions, and to study him. If I had a boyfriend, husband, girlfriend, wife, whatever, I would do the same. But me, I can't trust a man who have a desire for a man, cause I can't compete with a male. Chatted with plenty of men, and I dont trust straight men, hell, let alone a bi man. Now, we can be friends, thats cool.