A Year of Coming Out...

[DuckiesDarling]

http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/9070512/My-year-of-coming-out



I wish everyone could have as positive an experience as this kid had. Whether you are gay, bi, trans or a straight person in love with any of the above, it's a hard thing to come out to your family and let them fully know you and your partner. To everyone already out, congrats, to those still in the closet, I understand why you feel you have to hide and hope that someday.. we are all just free to be without judgements.

[Realist]

Thanks for that DD, I see signs of more acceptance, but it's still not universal.

I've seen both heart-warming acceptance and tragedy, when bi, or gay, people came out to their families, friends, and others.

Each of us have reasons for keeping our private lives secret, or revealing ourselves. I've heard it argued that each of us should come out, no matter what the consequences, but, as the video showed there can be dire circumstances for those who do come out.

Years ago, a friend's daughter came out to him. He wasn't happy about it, but accepted the facts and let her know he still loved her. Then, together, they both went to her mother to finish the unveiling. The mother took it much worse; she actually tried to beat the girl's gayness out of her! Before the husband could stop his wife, the daughter had a black eye and a chipped tooth. That incident left much more than bruises on the girl's heart and soul!

In high school, I had a wonderful bisexual girlfriend. Her parents accepted her and seemed to treat her no differently, after she confessed she was bisexual. I would have loved to think my family would be the same way!

However, I knew my parents would never accept, or tolerate my being bisexual. I was not blind to their homophobia, or their dogmatically moralistic view of gay people. (There was no difference in their minds, between gayness and bisexuality) To reveal myself to them would have resulted in dire circumstances and possibly rejection. I was too young and ill prepared to face rejection, at that age. Even after I was grown and more experienced, I lived far away and never did allow them to know the real me. For me, that was the best approach....we each much choose our own approach to life.

I would have liked to be accepted and still loved by my family, but I knew them and never felt like I had anything to gain, by revealing my inner most secrets to them. I'm happy with myself, so that's enough for me.

[BareProf]

There are no homophobics on this site. Did I spell it correctly? Everyone who posts here is accepting with understanding. I wish more people were the same.

David in Florida, openly bi to my bi wife

[Ebonybifemme7]

Well its harder for bisexuals to come out. We get double the hate, from straight and gay people. And people don't know where you are coming from. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't have told anyone that I was bisexual. Maybe my sister but that's about it. I made the mistake of joining a lesbian and bisexual female of color book-club here in Milwaukee. Beautiful intelligent women but HUGE mistake. They were bashing bisexuals whatever chance they got. Sexuality is something that you can't be opened to with everyone. You have to be private. And my family doesn't like it all. They think that any same sexual attraction is not normal. Oh yeah, I didn't tell my family, THEY found out from the internet and gossip of course.

[Ebonybifemme7]

Another thing too, is that this website is more male driven then anything. More men on here talk about there sexual gratification. I was chatting with a guy on here, was trying to tell him that male sexuality is seen as more important then a female's. Women are more demonized when we have certain desires and feelings. But with men, they are encourage to explore their feelings, and they feel more of a sexual entitlement. Yeah society allows women to be more openly affectionate toward one another, but women are seen as caretakers, maternal, and a woman stops being sexy after 30 to most men. To most men, women, for the most part, are just seen as human sex toys. There is more of a time limit on women, a man can be seen as sexy until he's like 65 years old. Also men like the play the victim. I'm not saying that by any means that women are innocent. I mean women do bad things too, but in the sex department, men are seen as far more important than women.

Yes, men have to more private about same sex attractions, an SGL lifestyle, but at the same time, the world carters more to men and there sexuality, rather a man be straight, bi, gay, because men are seen as more important then women.

[matutum]

I don't broad cast my sexuality either, no point really. I don't need a bi group or any other group to pat my back and tell me its ok.

[Ebonybifemme7]

[QUOTE=matutum;255466]I don't broad cast my sexuality either, no point really. I don't need a bi group or any other group to pat my back and tell me its ok.[/QUOTE

I understand a persons need for privacy but sometimes you have to tell someone. Can't keep a secret like that to yourself forever.

[tenni]

Ebonybifemale7
Thanks for your perspective on men on this site posting versus biwomen. I think that you have a somewhat valid point. Things evolve on this site and it has become almost a site for threads about "do you like X sexual act like I do"? It seems to be either salacious or a need to know that the poster is not "strange" for enjoying a certain sexual act.

If I understand you, as far as your point about bimen being more acceptable, many believe that in the mainstream that female bisexuality is not only accepted but encouraged for hetero men to become sexually aroused by. However, your experience as a bisexual woman is your experience if you have found bi women demonized. It should be told and especially on this site rather than a teen coming out as gay.

As far as "coming out", I consider it a gay thing term that is now used by mainstream society to apply to all sexualities. I've even read about stories about coming out as chocoholic...lol We are not gay and should set our own lines and terms of identity. The only person that you need to acknowledge your sexuality to is yourself is a repeated statement by some bisexuals. There is no need to use gay language ..gay political beliefs etc. However, I think that there is a need for bisexuals to find their own language and conceptual phrases to identify ourself. If you are in a relationship it is probably wise to let the person know of your sexual fluidity. Sadly, some people who are late acknowledging their sexual fluidity(not coming out of a closet) find it extremely difficult to expose themself. I agree with Ebony that there is a double bigotry for bisexual from two other sexualities. I don't know if bimen or biwomen experience more bigotry.

I read some subtext that some/many bisexuals would rather that sexual fluidity be acknowledged as acceptable and the label bisexual would then be irrelevant.

Stories of "coming out" of gay people are gay stories AND not our story. Lets not be posting such stories on this site as if they are our story and the label LGBT is our common umbrella. Ebony is telling her story in part on this thread. There is no need to compare it to a teen coming out as gay. It just is not that relevant to bisexuals. Heteros and gays are monosexuals. We are bisexuals.

Stories of the struggle to acknowledge your sexual fluidity are different stories from gay coming out stories. It is true that it requires a shift away from monosexualism to acknowledge your more fluid bisexuality. We don't fit into a monosexual box. Let's make sure that bi invisibility doesn't happen by equating acknowledging sexual fluidity as "coming out" gay.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Thank you my DD for posting such a touching story. Wish it could be the same for everyone, but we all know its not a typical thing for all. Each person's struggle is different.
And I do agree with Tenni on this as well..(There goes hell...experiencing its cold wave again...lol).
Cat

[Long Duck Dong]

There are no homophobics on this site. Did I spell it correctly? Everyone who posts here is accepting with understanding. I wish more people were the same.

David in Florida, openly bi to my bi wife


roflmao, sorry, but as a person that ids as a asexual natured bisexual I have dealt with a lot of phobic beheivour from a select few people in the site, with arguments that I should not refer to myself as a bisexual even tho I was sexually active with males and females for 20+ years and their overwhelming need to redefine my sexuality according to their confused and incorrect opinions..... I love people regardless of sexuality and gender, so I am more omnisexual / pansexual than bisexual and I am a person that has been very active and supportive of the LGBT community where I live and in the site, regardless of how unusual or unique their understanding of their sexuality is.......

as bisexuals we do not fit into a box, is a common catch phrase, yet when it comes to embracing the experiences of other people, their experiences is often negated and dismissed as not fitting the bisexual box... yet for many gay / bisexual people, their past experiences have been that of a gay / bisexual nature and they are every bit a part of this community as the heterosexual / monosexual partners of the bisexuals.......

its a shame that so many of them have left the site because of the * you do not fit the criteria to be in the site * stance pushed by a narrow minded few people........

if we really want to see more acceptance and tolerance from the world around us, it has to start with us accepting our own diverse community.....

[DuckiesDarling]

You are welcome to those that thanked me for sharing this. The fact that it was a gay teen does not negate any of the process of coming out to family and friends as I noted in opening post and it more than belonged on a site that welcomes all. Those that didn't like it?? Don't read it. Don't watch it. Don't do anything in my threads and you won't bother me at all by not doing so. I neither need nor want validation for any posts from anyone and especially not from people that have one agenda to push.

[Gearbox]

As a person who is apparently 'in the closet' coz I don't go telling all & sundry that I'm not heterosexual, I really don't think that I'm hiding, committing some anti-social crime, inflicting psychological harm to myself or letting down some bi community etc.
In fact I don't think I'm doing anything bad at all.

I am out to myself and those that it actually matters to. I'm also very ok with myself too, and feel no obligation to 'come out'.
That's typical of many bi's in particular IMO. I do agree that it would make a BIG positive difference if we all started marching around showing how 'normal' we are. But that's not 'normal'.:rolleyes: We are already 'normal.

One reason why I wouldn't march in some bi parade is that I apparently don't fit the 'positive bisexual role model' type. If you read up on the vast majority of bisexual themed 'come out!' literature, you'll prob notice that bisexals are expected to rid the world of the negative 'slutty bi' stereotype. We are expected to show heterosexuals and homosexuals that we are completely monogamous faithful lovers that look down on promiscuity just so they may consider accepting us.
No other sexuality has that laid on them, and no sexuality is anything of the sort as a whole. Yet apparently bisexuals must claim that to be OK'd as 'decent normal' people.:bigrin:
That's fine & dandy if you fit that 'role model' type. But it makes for some very dishonest 'coming out' for many IMO. In fact, it would be a leap INTO a closet for most IMO.

Humans need to 'come out of the closet', and until that happens there will sadly be casualties of the BS.

[tenni]

Actually Gear, there is a large segment of the gay group that are slutty as all get out. As I recall, this slutty group resisted the concept of "marriage" like heteros for awhile. They seem to have also been silenced by those who fought for "gay" (really same sex) marriage. They didn't want them "coming-out" as sluts. They wanted them to come out as just like you hetero's and so we should be able to be legally married.. lol Even those gay peeps who marry same sex people may be found on pick up sites still acting as slutty as every. ;) Its ok as we have an open relationship is the argument that they seem to present. They don't promote that too much though when the equal rights peeps in the pockets of the world where same sex marriage is still illegal. They seem to promote that we are just like the het's argument in that we want to be monogamous like the het's. Then again a lot of them in cross gender marriages are not permanently monogamous for life either..lol

I don't think that it is very much under the surface how some married bisexuals resent the more sexually promiscuous bisexuals as a stereotype when in reality yep some of us are promiscuous and ok with it. How the hell do you get to have sex with both men and women if you are not non monogamous...lol

I agree that if there ever is a bi parade that it should promote non monogamy as a valid option that bisexuals should not be scorned for supporting.

[DuckiesDarling]

As a person who is apparently 'in the closet' coz I don't go telling all & sundry that I'm not heterosexual, I really don't think that I'm hiding, committing some anti-social crime, inflicting psychological harm to myself or letting down some bi community etc.
In fact I don't think I'm doing anything bad at all.

I am out to myself and those that it actually matters to. I'm also very ok with myself too, and feel no obligation to 'come out'.
That's typical of many bi's in particular IMO. I do agree that it would make a BIG positive difference if we all started marching around showing how 'normal' we are. But that's not 'normal'.:rolleyes: We are already 'normal.

One reason why I wouldn't march in some bi parade is that I apparently don't fit the 'positive bisexual role model' type. If you read up on the vast majority of bisexual themed 'come out!' literature, you'll prob notice that bisexals are expected to rid the world of the negative 'slutty bi' stereotype. We are expected to show heterosexuals and homosexuals that we are completely monogamous faithful lovers that look down on promiscuity just so they may consider accepting us.
No other sexuality has that laid on them, and no sexuality is anything of the sort as a whole. Yet apparently bisexuals must claim that to be OK'd as 'decent normal' people.:bigrin:
That's fine & dandy if you fit that 'role model' type. But it makes for some very dishonest 'coming out' for many IMO. In fact, it would be a leap INTO a closet for most IMO.

Humans need to 'come out of the closet', and until that happens there will sadly be casualties of the BS.

Thank you, Gear.

[mas8092]

I agree. Sometimes one needs to share. I told my best friend and he was cool with it. I'm in a fwb relationship with a woman. At some point, I need to tell her that I like sucking cock. She should not be horrified as she has benefited from my oral skills.

[void()]

Yeah society allows women to be more openly affectionate toward one another, but women are seen as caretakers, maternal, and a woman stops being sexy after 30 to most men. To most men, women, for the most part, are just seen as human sex toys.

*looks at his name badge just be sure* "George, not Most" *reads it again noting it changed* "Fred, not Most" *watches his badge list a whole bunch of names proceeding the phrase ,not Most* *grins*

Hauntingly, for me, forty one and sexy bunny of a wife about two years younger. I say hauntingly because I'm not quite used to being forty one yet. *chuckles* Prolly won't be until I'm forty two. :)

[void()]

I read some subtext that some/many bisexuals would rather that sexual fluidity be acknowledged as acceptable and the label bisexual would then be irrelevant.

Stories of the struggle to acknowledge your sexual fluidity are different stories from gay coming out stories. It is true that it requires a shift away from monosexualism to acknowledge your more fluid bisexuality. We don't fit into a monosexual box. Let's make sure that bi invisibility doesn't happen by equating acknowledging sexual fluidity as "coming out" gay.

Pardon my snipping of your post tenni, done only per sake of relevence.
I find myself agreeing with something you post right here. We are not
homosexuals, nor heterosexuals. You're right that we ought not to equate
our diversity with their debutante parties.

This is something I have felt for a very long time but seemed to lack a
handle on putting into words. You did it well in this post, thanks for
that. And no, I'm not bashing straights or gays, neither is tenni. We
are simply saying as we're different, so we ought to be different in
expressing it.

I like the terminology of diversity, fluidity seems to evoke images of
one vomiting for me. That just doesn't go over the transom well either.
*LOL* If I say I'm diverse, it is clear but retains enough ambiguity
to allow me personal wiggle room, discretion. "Some days I like guys,
some I like gals and there's nothing wrong with that. Dolphins are
diverse as well ergo, it's natural and intelligent."