Help me understand, pleas!!!!

[Stayinlucky]

Found emails in my bf's archived emails responding to craiglist adds for mmf 3 somes. This was November 2011, his gf at the time cheated on him around his 21st bday his first "true love" and his dad had been terminal wi cancer for 3 years, and subsequently died last march 2012. Emails started in November and went through march. Before we met. He's messed up a bit as he walked in his home at 13 and found his mother dead of an aneurism. His parents were never married but he had a relationship w both. He is very sexual, in a good way. He is an alcoholic, as both his parents were and he has drank since age 15. There were a few emails to just females but mostly couples. He described in early ones that he had oral w a guy, swallowed but didn't "know how he felt about it," then as emails went on, he described how he loved oral w men and even responded to a couple saying he would like to have the wife guide him into topping the male. He stated he would pretend he didn't like it even though he would. When i asked him, he said he never followed through and was really messed up at the time, which is true. if u read the emails, its almost impossible due to the details that nothing ever happened. He must be bi or gay, he is only 23 now. Idk how to find out, he stares at girls all the time, kind of bugs me, but I attribute it to his age. We stumbled into a gay bar one night as it was the only thing opened in the area and a female and male were dancing on stage. He was drunk, and I swear he was eye balling the guy! . I don't think you could have that many 3somes and not be at least bi. And they were always older couples early 40's which is weird, as at the time he was 21. I am 12 years older than him, but look way younger, and at 21 I would think ewwwww, to 40 something men. Anyways sorry for rambling, or grammatical errors I'm a sales director and work lots of hours so a bit tired. We are just friends now but it consumes me. Could one have that many bi encounters and not want to so it again? Oh one email was responding to male for male, just one. Please help if anyone has answers. He does have anger issues especially when drunk, nothing physical. Just adding background in case it's helpful. Thank you so much, I've been devastated!

[tenni]

Hi
Sorry, but your post is a bit rambling and confusing.

First you refer to this 23 year old alcoholic man as a boyfriend and then later you refer to him as “just friends now”? Why should his sexual past consume you if you are just friends now? You have had at least one conversation with him and he denies having the sex that you read in his email archives from three years ago. You refer to being devasted. Why?

Do you have something against bisexuals for being who we are? I There is nothing wrong with his sexual past by discussing having threesomes in emails. Has he been a chronic liar? Did he use protection with you? I f you knew that he was alcoholic and often drunk with anger issues when he was with you, why didn't you use protection? Too late now... If you are concerned about disease, go and get tested. Calm yourself down and try to be more articulate and clear. Try to use better judgment in the future regardless what sexuality your partners may be or not be. You were having sex with a high risk young man.

How is it that you found yourself way back in his email archives from three years ago? You're just a friend now and you don't have any right to invade his privacy about what he wrote before you knew him while he was in a crisis relationship situation.

Sorry, if this seems harsh but you seem to have been rather foolish with your behaviour. Leave him alone and get on with your life.

[Stayinlucky]

No offense taken, I am tough. I stayed with him after I found the emails, and I was using his ipad while he was sitting right there. He knew, he just didn't realize those messages where in the archive box. Last craigslist email was 4 months prior to us meeting and dating. Breaking up had nothing to do with the sexuality. Alcoholism is a disease and when you love someone, or at least I, don't abandon loved ones who need help. Ultimately the alcoholism was the demise of the relationship, however, not the sexuality. That is why i am still his friend. I just wanted to understand. I have nothing against gays/bis etc. and I have been tested for everything I'm fine. Thank you

[Gearbox]

It's not clear what you are devastated about or want to understand. Are you worried that your friends bisexuality is a result of the trauma's he went through?
No IMO.
It may look to you that he was trying to replace his parents with those 40yo+ couples, but that isn't rare with young men who haven't lost theirs, honest. If you log on to a gay hookup site you'll realize that the age preferences are wide & varied in any age group. That's just due to what age range turns us on most.

IMO his sexuality isn't a symptom of his past, but the alcoholism maybe a symptom of his past AND sexuality.
He'd be better off seeing a councilor, no offence! It's good that you want to help him, but that is most prob the best way.:)

[tenni]

Hi
Glad you have been tested and all is clear. I’m sure that you know to get tested again six months after the last test for things like HIV.

Yes, alcoholism is a disease and it is one where judgement becomes blurred as well as blackouts etc. for some. Has he had blackouts? Might he have had same gender play during a blackout?

Do you believe him when he said that he didn’t follow through on those emails?

You asked if a bisexual could have many sexual encounters and then not want to do it again? Yes, most certainly this can be a reaction. There can be an ebb and flow or fluidity about bisexuality. Some want same sex play and then do not want same sex play. Some can want opposite sex play and then not want opposite gender play but only want same sex play during that period. This can change over time and the frequency of the fluidity can also change. Does that give you one answer?

As Gear stated what do you want to specifically know about bisexuality? Does he refer to himself as bisexual, straight or gay?(doubt gay) You kind of have to go with what he identifies unless it is totally impractical. Lots of bi guys might play with the internet and not follow through for quite some time. They might refer to themselves as straight during that period.

[Stayinlucky]

Thank you, just haven't been in the situation, and he wouldn't admit it even though I was very nice and understanding. I told him to get counseling, not for the sexuality, the alcohol. He admits he prob needs it, but don't think he will follow through. Can only do so much. :)

[Stayinlucky]

Thank you, yes, I know to get tested again. But throughout the time we dated I'm almost positive he didn't do anything with anyone. He was always with me.

23 is still young especially for a male, I just wondered if he started with the mmf 3somes to "ease" into being with a guy. He identifies as straight.

As black outs! Every time he drinks almost! He said he drank a lot less when we were together. I hope he continues to control it.

I appreciate the help!

[tenni]

"I just wondered if he started with the mmf 3somes to "ease" into being with a guy. He identifies as straight."

Well, that is a possibility but the range of bisexuals and reasons is really wide. I knew a guy who was quite the ladies man and full of charisma. He also had alcohol and drug issues when I met him but he said he was not always like that(actually a workaholic for several decades). He had done quite a few mff and a few mmf scenarios since his marriage ended and he changed his mind about being a workaholic. In the mmf scenario, neither man touched each other. They focused on the woman even though they were both naked and hard. I think that he said that he accidentally touched the other guy while naked and hard...not sure if it was the other guy's penis though. Whether or not that experience got him wondering about wanking sucking another man or it was always in his mind, he said that he began to wonder about touching another man. Wanking and coming on another man. This isn't exactly your friend's scenario as he intentionally sought out mmf threesomes. There are probably other factors but it shows that people do change I'm not sure if it is "easing" into same sex play though. Some bisexuals can find things in their past that may explain but many see it as just natural for bisexuals to be attracted to both genders.

Who knows, it may very well be the chicken or egg rationale? Just ask yourself if your sexual tastes are the same as when you were 15 yrs old? Some people tend to broaden their sexual tastes as they mature and question old taboos. Why not ask him what it was about mmf that interested him? Why are you so curious about his sexual behaviour? Are you considering exploring same sex play or maybe having a mmf with him?

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Ahhh. Another example of someone snooping on a phone, or computer, and finding out more than they ever wanted to. Let the boy walk his own path, and live his life as He sees fit. Unless he is hurting himself or others, then let him go.
Cat

[DuckiesDarling]

Ahhh. Another example of someone snooping on a phone, or computer, and finding out more than they ever wanted to. Let the boy walk his own path, and live his life as He sees fit. Unless he is hurting himself or others, then let him go.
Cat

Sorry, Cat darling but she did post he was right next to her as she was doing it. That's not snooping, that's browsing with consent.

To the OP, you are a strong woman to try to stand by him, I hope that with a qualified therapist his alcoholism can be addressed and he gets some help. Only time will tell, it's possible that issues unresolved from childhood may be affecting him now but most of the answers lie inside his head. Only he can determine what did or didn't influence him. So please keep urging him to see a therapist.

[Stayinlucky]

Yes, thank you.. And for sticking up for me! It was not snooping, everything happens for a reason... :)