I'm new here and need some advice. Thanks for any replies.

[rain3rain3]

Hi everyone. I'm a woman who has been married to the same man for 15 years, we have a son together. Before we were married I had a few limited experiences with other women. For as long as I can remember my fantasy life has include women, but because of my vows never acted on it. In the beginning he said it was wrong for people of the same sex to be attracted to each other. I have spent years feeling guilt and shame. We have had a very rocky marriage. He is a very passive/aggressive person who has a chronic lying problem, although over the course of the last year he has really opened up and communication is much better. However, because of the past, I have no trust for him. Over the last several 5+ years he has come to accept and even participate in my fantasies. He is open to a threesome. Now for the issue. A couple of months ago, I met a man and had a brief affair. My husband says he has forgiven me, as I am very honest and confessed almost immediately. I had been telling him for years that I was going to because our marriage was in suck a bad place and he continued to lie to me. I stopped the affair and have not had contact with the other man. Now, here is where things really get complicated. One night my husband and I are in bed and he confesses that he has been curious for the last couple of years about what it would be like to touch another man. My shock was so great I think I stopped breathing for a moment. In spite of all the hurt and anger I have felt over the years about everything, this cut me to the core. I have always been open and honest with him about my sexual needs, desires, fears ect. I love this man, but I was really hurt that I went through years of dealing with these feelings on my own, because he thought it was so wrong, the guilt and shame I felt were overwhelming. I must admit that it turns me on that he is curious, I would even be willing to participate in his explorations. I am wondering though if our marriage can survive this after all? The main problem was dishonesty and now he is opening up. I thought many times over the last 15 years that he was bi or bi-curious. He always denied it and got angry. Major issues here. Has anyone had a "heterosexual" marriage where both partners were also bi? Can this work? Are we doomed to failure? Should we continue as we are and stay monogamous and just fantasize and watch gay porn? I'm so lost. Any advice will be welcome, and I thank you in advance to any who choose to respond.

[Chris_t_boston]

A few things...

First you aren't doomed, but it will take work.

I knew I was bi when I was 14 but never acted on it until I was 53. Yes, my wife says I hid it from her and I agree and I was wrong. But coming out later in life sometimes happens. For me it was a total collapse of our sex life that kindled the thoughts of bisexuality in me. Could it be that he pulled away from you due to the affair and general marriage problems and his bisexuality became more of an urge?

I suggest a couple of groups you can look into:

Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work (MMOMW) - This is a Yahoo group for men and women in which at least one partner is bi or gay and they want to make the marriage work.

Alternate Path (AP) - This is a women's only Yahoo group. It leans more towards making marriages work.

Wives of Bi/Gah Husbands (WOBGH) - Another women only group. This is decidedly less gay/bi friendly.

My wife belongs to AP and WOBGH because they present differing viewpoints, especially when it comes to whether or not a marriage can work.

Start with MMOMW. It has both bi/gay/lesbian men and women.

[bityme]

I hope that what you find here is discussion as opposed to advice. People are so varied in their physical and emotional makeup that there are no clear answers to any questions that work for all situations.

Some couples remain completely monogamous even though one or both is bisexual and others have more open relationships or varying degrees. It seems that everyone has to work it out for themselves.

It's hard for people to overcome marital problems, especially where dishonesty is an issue. The good thing is that you have both reached a point where your communication is opening up and you are being more. if not completely, honest with each other. It appears that your husband is also finally being honest with himself about his curiosity.

You have already experienced how difficult it is to have those urges and remain monogamous. No matter what you do from this point, it could either help your relationship or cause problems. Continued open and honest discussion will be helpful no matter what you decide. Any changes made will need to be discussed and evaluated. Little steps will make this process easier.

From the standpoint of being monogamous, participation in each other's fantasies, watching porn, playing with toys, etc., may be all you need to maintain your relationship. You will find a number of people here how have successful monogamous relationships.

You have indicated that opening things up has already been discussed and he was open to a threesome (sounds like with another woman). You have indicated the thought of him being with another man is a turn on for you. You may find such experimentation enjoyable. Participating together might lessen or overcome further trust issues, but those are always a possibility (Will he/she find someone better, etc.?). Having separate experiences might not be advisable considering the history of trust problems so far.

You will also find couples, like us, who are very open in our relationship. We enjoy seeing each other giving pleasure to and receiving it from other playmates of all orientations. This arrangement works well for us, but may not work for others. For us, we feel the key is that we are secure in our relationship, we are deeply in love with each other, although not the least bit possessive about sexual issues, and we view our activities with others as a recreational activity we both enjoy.

Each couple needs to decide for themselves how their relationship will evolve. In addition to the groups already recommended, you might read some of the other threads in this forum. Many contain good discussions about how various couples and individuals have handled their relationships and the lesson they learned from varied actions.

Keep your communication going.

Mrs Tiff & Pappy

[Coastocoast]

Like many couples there are issues in your relationship that are causing problems for both of you. You may decide to go one of many directions but until you both get all your issues on the table it may be difficult to decide which way you go. As old school as it may sound a good marriage counselor might be the best way to get things moving in a solid direction. Get advice this serious from someone experienced and with all the information they need to help you to help yourselves. Good luck you can work things out.

[hasty1]

Hi - I'm the straight partner of a bisexual man, but my ex-husband also had a chronic lying problem too so I may have some insight. I suspect that your marriage will be able to move forward and be successful in whatever way you both agree to. It seems to me that he has slowly opened up to your bisexuality, participated in your fantasies, and that it might have triggered something in him that was unknown before (whatever your suspicions may have, many bi guys on these forums say they only discovered it, or gave themselves permission to discover it, later in life) I suspect also that in addition to the time it took him to be sure about it, there was also the fact that he had hurt you about your bisexuality, how could he now confess the same? Your affair may or may not have had anything to do with it, perhaps it has shocked him into action, but my overriding thought is that from here on in that complete honesty is non negotiable. You don't talk about the sorts of things he lies about, my ex would lie about anything, and if it included the opportunity to make me look silly then so much the better. It severely affected my ability to trust and it has been an issue in my current relationship. Whatever the two of you decide to do, and the options are as wide as you want to make them including continuing your monogamous marriage , you need to be sure that you trust him (and vica versa) for it to work. I think that deciding what to do about you both being bisexual should come after sorting out the lying problem. If you can work through this together and draw a line under what has happened in the past then it may be a very good thing for your relationship.

[zigzig]

I guess men handle bisexuality differently the women. For them it is harder, especially if they're religious. Since he finally opened up, then there is a light in the ende of a tunnel. You can encourage him into experimentation in the bedroom. Good luck!

[tenni]

Hi
I like how Pappy presents this as a discussion rather than advice.


You seem to recognize several issues that are not specifically connected to his sexual curiousity. Communication may be in need of improving. I found it interesting that you had a cross gender affair and not a same sex affair. Is bisexuality playing that much of a factor in your marriage as it is presently or are other issues more severe? You have not been monogamous since you cheated and threatened to cheat even before that. Monogamy may not work for both of you at this point. I wonder if you are being honest with yourself about yourself? I'm not inferring that you are lying but just not really knowing yourself. Of course, I am only thinking this based on what you wrote. I may be completely wrong.

We are reading your perspective on your marriage...your issues with the marriage. Do you know what he would present to us about the issues that he has in your marriage? You mention his chronic lying but do you have an idea why he has lied or what categories /type/ areas is he inclined to lie about?

As zigzag writes men may experience their bisexuality later in life and differently than women. The taboo is stronger against m2m sex. Look at your reaction to his disclosure of his curiousity. You felt betrayed but he may have not honestly even known about his curiosity.

You have mentioned none of his fantasies except his curiousity about touching another man’s dick. That may be all that is in his mind at this point. The following may frighten him but as a bisexual you may able to help him slowly explore fantasies via porn and communication. Here are some aspects of his same sex curiousity to discuss with him. He may be comfortable in a MMF threesome. He may be comfortable with you present for his first exploration or he may want to do that on his own. (A bi friend of mine actually worked with his hetero wife in finding a playmate for him but she is not present when they play. She does sleep with them in the same bed and will kiss her husband's male lover but no sex between her and the lover) Your husband may have fantasies of penetration by a man or repulsed by the idea. He may be satiated by having you wear a strap on and penetrating him and not need a man. All and more are worthy of discussion with him and more.

[bityme]

Thought this was a good article.
What Open Relationships Can Teach Us About FidelityBy Jo Piazza for HowAboutWe
Ask any woman to describe the three most important things in a relationship, and monogamy will typically round out the list.

Maintaining monogamy with a single partner can be incredibly important, but it can also betricky. The deck is stacked against those looking to be with one person for the rest of their lives, both from a biological and an evolutionary perspective. Plus, well, there's the simple fact that so many people fail at it.

If you're feeling hopeless about your prospects for monogamy, it's reassuring to remember that there are plenty of people in healthy and happy relationships that aren't monogamous.

The very concept of polyamory - engaging in open relationships in which a person can be involved with more than one partner - can seem terrifying to the lifelong monogamist (which most of us are). I met my first open couple about a year ago and it made me nervous in the way meeting steampunk enthusiasts makes me nervous: I didn't understand what made them tick.

In the time since, I've gotten to know several non-monogamous couples, and they not only seem very happy but also extremely devoted to each other.

That's not to say I'm giving up monogamy anytime soon. But there are lessons to be learned about long-term fidelity and communication from couples who decide to bring in partners outside the relationship.

Here are takeaways from three polyamorous couples that are valuable for any relationship, open or no.
1. you are allowed to make your own rules for your relationship.
Open couples have a lot of rules.
You need to lay down the law on how far you can take a new relationship, how much you tell your primary partner, whether or not you can you spend nights away from the home and whether or not having a date with someone else excludes you from doing the laundry. Poly couples set rules for how many outside sexual partners they can, whether they can introduce those partners to their children and even where they can have sex with those partners.
Polyamory comes with a lot of baggage, but then, so does monogamy.

The difference is that monogamous couples don't think about the fact that they have the power to shape the rules for their relationship.
Diana Adams is a family mediator and family attorney who works with both monogamous and polyamorous couples. In her personal life, she has been in a happy open relationship for six years (both she and her boyfriend are free to see other people). She encourages all couples, monogamous or not, to create an intentional agreement about their relationship. "One of the most important rules that polyamory can bring to monogamy is that you don't have to take society's definition or your parent's definition of what a real marriage should look like," Adams explained.

With an intentional agreement, you can determine how much time you spend together. You can choose to sleep together every night or spend one night a week in your own space. You can determine how you want to spend vacation time. Imagine the freedom of finally realizing, "maybe we don't need to spend every holiday in the same location with each other's families."

Sonya and Peter-both actors in their forties-have been legally married for ten years, but have been polyamorous for fifteen years. Each has a designated night each week as their "date night" with other people. Over the course of their decade and a half relationship each has become involved in two longer term relationships with other people. They evolved their rules for each new experience.

"We set boundaries and very clearly laid out exactly what we want. When I began dating a man outside of our marriage, we created time for me to be with him, we set aside one night a week for our primary relationship and we made a date to check back in with one another about the state of the relationships within three months of the time it got serious," Sonya explained.

2. your partner doesn't have to be your sun, moon, stars, best friend, skiing partner and massage therapist.
Michael Buble was wrong: Your soul mate shouldn't be your everything. There is a pervasive idea that when we fall in love and choose someone to be our longterm partner that that person will be a tremendous lover, talk to with us about Tolstoy, take long walks on the beach with us, raise our children, manage our finances and have very long and serious discussions about the state of our soul. No pressure.

Open couples are very aware of the fact that their partner does not have to be absolutely everything to them. Because they can go outside a relationship to have their needs fulfilled sexually, they are often more open to having other needs fulfilled by other people, instead of defaulting to the kind of codependence that grows between a monogamous couple.

"I just have more flexibility," Diana Adams says. "We don't expect that one person will be our everything. We can be on a journey with someone, but at the end of the day you are your own person with your own needs and you are responsible for having those needs met."

3. If you want a great relationship, embrace radical honesty and be an emotional ninja.
Open couples make an effort to have difficult and uncomfortable conversations. Because there is no room for jealousy in an open relationship, it is paramount to identify your personal insecurities and fears and take responsibility for your feelings. Even if you aren't in a relationship where you and your partner act on your desires, identifying your feelings about those desires and discussing them with your partner can only serve to strengthen your bond.

Mara had been dating Mike exclusively for about a year when she began feeling an intense attraction to Erika, a fellow teacher at her school. Mara and Mike had both been in open relationships in the past and had discussed the possibility in their future. She was incredibly nervous about telling Mike that she wanted to explore her feelings with Erika. After several tequila shots, Mara blurted out her fantasies.

"After I said it, I didn't even really want to do it anymore. It became this intense desire because I thought it was so taboo. But once we talked about it, I kind of lost interest," Mara said. The pair have been together for five years and have since had relationships outside of their relationship, but Mara still credits that one drunken admission to keeping them together this long.

It's counterintuitive, but being honest about having desires for other people can actually lead to less infidelity.

"I believe in radical honesty and radical listening. If your partner has a desire that you might find upsetting, you still need to take the time to listen to it. [Open relationships] require a level of emotional ninja skill. You have to work hard at being a self-aware person," Adams said.

Jo Piazza is the author of the upcoming novel, Love Rehab: A Novel in Twelve Steps. Follow her on Twitter @JoPiazza.

[rain3rain3]

Thank you all so much for your replies! You have given me much to think about. Thank you for the warm welcome into your community. It will take me some time to work though this in my mind. I will come back later and answer some of the individual questions. Thank you again.

[rain3rain3]

Thank you for the site referrals, I will definitely check them out. To answer your question, he has never pulled away physically. He wasn't even really angry about the affair and forgave me immediately. (I found that to be a bit disturbing, I wanted him to be angry. He just seemed numb about it. I took that as a lack of feeling on his part.) Oddly enough we have a very active sex life. At least 4-5 times per week. We have even stopped an argument to have sex only to go back to arguing right after. I really want to save our marriage and he says he does too. It's just so rocky and filled with mistrust that I feel hopeless.

[rain3rain3]

I hope that what you find here is discussion as opposed to advice. People are so varied in their physical and emotional makeup that there are no clear answers to any questions that work for all situations.

Some couples remain completely monogamous even though one or both is bisexual and others have more open relationships or varying degrees. It seems that everyone has to work it out for themselves.

It's hard for people to overcome marital problems, especially where dishonesty is an issue. The good thing is that you have both reached a point where your communication is opening up and you are being more. if not completely, honest with each other. It appears that your husband is also finally being honest with himself about his curiosity.

You have already experienced how difficult it is to have those urges and remain monogamous. No matter what you do from this point, it could either help your relationship or cause problems. Continued open and honest discussion will be helpful no matter what you decide. Any changes made will need to be discussed and evaluated. Little steps will make this process easier.

From the standpoint of being monogamous, participation in each other's fantasies, watching porn, playing with toys, etc., may be all you need to maintain your relationship. You will find a number of people here how have successful monogamous relationships.

You have indicated that opening things up has already been discussed and he was open to a threesome (sounds like with another woman). You have indicated the thought of him being with another man is a turn on for you. You may find such experimentation enjoyable. Participating together might lessen or overcome further trust issues, but those are always a possibility (Will he/she find someone better, etc.?). Having separate experiences might not be advisable considering the history of trust problems so far.

You will also find couples, like us, who are very open in our relationship. We enjoy seeing each other giving pleasure to and receiving it from other playmates of all orientations. This arrangement works well for us, but may not work for others. For us, we feel the key is that we are secure in our relationship, we are deeply in love with each other, although not the least bit possessive about sexual issues, and we view our activities with others as a recreational activity we both enjoy.

Each couple needs to decide for themselves how their relationship will evolve. In addition to the groups already recommended, you might read some of the other threads in this forum. Many contain good discussions about how various couples and individuals have handled their relationships and the lesson they learned from varied actions.

Keep your communication going.

Mrs Tiff & Pappy


For now we have decided to just go the fantasy route and see how we do.

[rain3rain3]

Like many couples there are issues in your relationship that are causing problems for both of you. You may decide to go one of many directions but until you both get all your issues on the table it may be difficult to decide which way you go. As old school as it may sound a good marriage counselor might be the best way to get things moving in a solid direction. Get advice this serious from someone experienced and with all the information they need to help you to help yourselves. Good luck you can work things out.


Sadly we have tried counseling over the lying issues. It didn't really help. I had know idea how many people were dealing with similar issues and am very glad I stumbled onto this site.

[rain3rain3]

Hi - I'm the straight partner of a bisexual man, but my ex-husband also had a chronic lying problem too so I may have some insight. I suspect that your marriage will be able to move forward and be successful in whatever way you both agree to. It seems to me that he has slowly opened up to your bisexuality, participated in your fantasies, and that it might have triggered something in him that was unknown before (whatever your suspicions may have, many bi guys on these forums say they only discovered it, or gave themselves permission to discover it, later in life) I suspect also that in addition to the time it took him to be sure about it, there was also the fact that he had hurt you about your bisexuality, how could he now confess the same? Your affair may or may not have had anything to do with it, perhaps it has shocked him into action, but my overriding thought is that from here on in that complete honesty is non negotiable. You don't talk about the sorts of things he lies about, my ex would lie about anything, and if it included the opportunity to make me look silly then so much the better. It severely affected my ability to trust and it has been an issue in my current relationship. Whatever the two of you decide to do, and the options are as wide as you want to make them including continuing your monogamous marriage , you need to be sure that you trust him (and vica versa) for it to work. I think that deciding what to do about you both being bisexual should come after sorting out the lying problem. If you can work through this together and draw a line under what has happened in the past then it may be a very good thing for your relationship.

Thank you for your reply. He has lied about everything. And I do mean everything. From where he grew up, went to school, jobs he said he had, land he said he owned, he lied about his father being dead (that one I understand and I would probably have lied about it too, better to have thought the man dead then live with the agony of the abuse. I was abused as a child too. My heart broke for him after he told me of the abuse and rape his father committed against him, his mother confirmed it) The lies have gotten smaller over the years but they are still there. Mostly now they are "lies of omission". Spending money is the most common of his lies. We are both very broken and damaged people and we have alot to work on if we are going to hold our marriage together.

[rain3rain3]

[QUOTE=tenni;248146]Hi
I like how Pappy presents this as a discussion rather than advice.


You seem to recognize several issues that are not specifically connected to his sexual curiousity. Communication may be in need of improving. I found it interesting that you had a cross gender affair and not a same sex affair. Is bisexuality playing that much of a factor in your marriage as it is presently or are other issues more severe? You have not been monogamous since you cheated and threatened to cheat even before that. Monogamy may not work for both of you at this point. I wonder if you are being honest with yourself about yourself? I'm not inferring that you are lying but just not really knowing yourself. Of course, I am only thinking this based on what you wrote. I may be completely wrong.

We are reading your perspective on your marriage...your issues with the marriage. Do you know what he would present to us about the issues that he has in your marriage? You mention his chronic lying but do you have an idea why he has lied or what categories /type/ areas is he inclined to lie about?

As zigzag writes men may experience their bisexuality later in life and differently than women. The taboo is stronger against m2m sex. Look at your reaction to his disclosure of his curiousity. You felt betrayed but he may have not honestly even known about his curiosity.

You have mentioned none of his fantasies except his curiousity about touching another man’s dick. That may be all that is in his mind at this point. The following may frighten him but as a bisexual you may able to help him slowly explore fantasies via porn and communication. Here are some aspects of his same sex curiousity to discuss with him. He may be comfortable in a MMF threesome. He may be comfortable with you present for his first exploration or he may want to do that on his own. (A bi friend of mine actually worked with his hetero wife in finding a playmate for him but she is not present when they play. She does sleep with them in the same bed and will kiss her husband's male lover but no sex between her and the lover) Your husband may have fantasies of penetration by a man or repulsed by the idea. He may be satiated by having you wear a strap on and penetrating him and not need a man. All and more are worthy of discussion with him and more.[/QUOte

Thank you for your reply. Communication is definitely lacking between us and has been an issue for basically our entire relationship. I think the bi-sexuality is definitely secondary to the other issues, however for me it's always been in the background. I didn't plan the affair. Shocked me that I was even capable of it. I know why I had the affair, he made me laugh and feel good about myself, something that is lacking in my relationship with my husband. I need to do some serious soul searching because to answer your question, No, I don't feel like I know myself, I feel very lost and confused. As far as my husband goes, the only complaints he has are not even about me. He hates his job, hates being broke all the time, he is angry in general about life. He acts like I am perfect, tells me he loves me everyday etc. I'm NOT perfect and can be a real pain in the ass. I know this. He is very passive aggressive and will get angry at me over small things and then do things to hurt my feelings on purpose to retaliate. :( Both of us are a mess. He has lied about everything, too long for me to list here. The lies have gotten smaller over the years but they are still there, mostly now they are just to cover up for things he was supposed to do or take care of and didn't. I'm exhausted from all of this.
I understand about the taboo being stronger against men. I feel he has been curious for years. He has always enjoyed a finger in him if I am giving him head. (However, I know straight guys who enjoy that.) We did recently watch a male only porn together and he said it turned him on to watch but he doesn't know how he would feel about the reality of it. I will just wait for him to decide what he wants while I try to figure out the mess I have in my own head. Thanks again for your comments. :)

[rain3rain3]

Thought this was a good article.
What Open Relationships Can Teach Us About Fidelity

By Jo Piazza for HowAboutWe
Ask any woman to describe the three most important things in a relationship, and monogamy will typically round out the list.

Maintaining monogamy with a single partner can be incredibly important, but it can also betricky. The deck is stacked against those looking to be with one person for the rest of their lives, both from a biological and an evolutionary perspective. Plus, well, there's the simple fact that so many people fail at it.

If you're feeling hopeless about your prospects for monogamy, it's reassuring to remember that there are plenty of people in healthy and happy relationships that aren't monogamous.

The very concept of polyamory - engaging in open relationships in which a person can be involved with more than one partner - can seem terrifying to the lifelong monogamist (which most of us are). I met my first open couple about a year ago and it made me nervous in the way meeting steampunk enthusiasts makes me nervous: I didn't understand what made them tick.

In the time since, I've gotten to know several non-monogamous couples, and they not only seem very happy but also extremely devoted to each other.

That's not to say I'm giving up monogamy anytime soon. But there are lessons to be learned about long-term fidelity and communication from couples who decide to bring in partners outside the relationship.

Here are takeaways from three polyamorous couples that are valuable for any relationship, open or no.
1. you are allowed to make your own rules for your relationship.
Open couples have a lot of rules.
You need to lay down the law on how far you can take a new relationship, how much you tell your primary partner, whether or not you can you spend nights away from the home and whether or not having a date with someone else excludes you from doing the laundry. Poly couples set rules for how many outside sexual partners they can, whether they can introduce those partners to their children and even where they can have sex with those partners.
Polyamory comes with a lot of baggage, but then, so does monogamy.

The difference is that monogamous couples don't think about the fact that they have the power to shape the rules for their relationship.
Diana Adams is a family mediator and family attorney who works with both monogamous and polyamorous couples. In her personal life, she has been in a happy open relationship for six years (both she and her boyfriend are free to see other people). She encourages all couples, monogamous or not, to create an intentional agreement about their relationship. "One of the most important rules that polyamory can bring to monogamy is that you don't have to take society's definition or your parent's definition of what a real marriage should look like," Adams explained.

With an intentional agreement, you can determine how much time you spend together. You can choose to sleep together every night or spend one night a week in your own space. You can determine how you want to spend vacation time. Imagine the freedom of finally realizing, "maybe we don't need to spend every holiday in the same location with each other's families."

Sonya and Peter-both actors in their forties-have been legally married for ten years, but have been polyamorous for fifteen years. Each has a designated night each week as their "date night" with other people. Over the course of their decade and a half relationship each has become involved in two longer term relationships with other people. They evolved their rules for each new experience.

"We set boundaries and very clearly laid out exactly what we want. When I began dating a man outside of our marriage, we created time for me to be with him, we set aside one night a week for our primary relationship and we made a date to check back in with one another about the state of the relationships within three months of the time it got serious," Sonya explained.

2. your partner doesn't have to be your sun, moon, stars, best friend, skiing partner and massage therapist.
Michael Buble was wrong: Your soul mate shouldn't be your everything. There is a pervasive idea that when we fall in love and choose someone to be our longterm partner that that person will be a tremendous lover, talk to with us about Tolstoy, take long walks on the beach with us, raise our children, manage our finances and have very long and serious discussions about the state of our soul. No pressure.

Open couples are very aware of the fact that their partner does not have to be absolutely everything to them. Because they can go outside a relationship to have their needs fulfilled sexually, they are often more open to having other needs fulfilled by other people, instead of defaulting to the kind of codependence that grows between a monogamous couple.

"I just have more flexibility," Diana Adams says. "We don't expect that one person will be our everything. We can be on a journey with someone, but at the end of the day you are your own person with your own needs and you are responsible for having those needs met."

3. If you want a great relationship, embrace radical honesty and be an emotional ninja.
Open couples make an effort to have difficult and uncomfortable conversations. Because there is no room for jealousy in an open relationship, it is paramount to identify your personal insecurities and fears and take responsibility for your feelings. Even if you aren't in a relationship where you and your partner act on your desires, identifying your feelings about those desires and discussing them with your partner can only serve to strengthen your bond.

Mara had been dating Mike exclusively for about a year when she began feeling an intense attraction to Erika, a fellow teacher at her school. Mara and Mike had both been in open relationships in the past and had discussed the possibility in their future. She was incredibly nervous about telling Mike that she wanted to explore her feelings with Erika. After several tequila shots, Mara blurted out her fantasies.

"After I said it, I didn't even really want to do it anymore. It became this intense desire because I thought it was so taboo. But once we talked about it, I kind of lost interest," Mara said. The pair have been together for five years and have since had relationships outside of their relationship, but Mara still credits that one drunken admission to keeping them together this long.

It's counterintuitive, but being honest about having desires for other people can actually lead to less infidelity.

"I believe in radical honesty and radical listening. If your partner has a desire that you might find upsetting, you still need to take the time to listen to it. [Open relationships] require a level of emotional ninja skill. You have to work hard at being a self-aware person," Adams said.

Jo Piazza is the author of the upcoming novel, Love Rehab: A Novel in Twelve Steps. Follow her on Twitter @JoPiazza.

What a great read. Thank you so much. Has given me much to think about.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Good luck Girlfriend. Sounds like you've got a long row to hoe. Seek some more professional help, and Communicate more. Hope everything works out well for you. You have wayy more faith and patience than I've got. Once someone lies to me, I can never fully trust them again...but that's just me..:}
Cat