Confused is an understatement. Am I just not ready for a full on relationship?

[Besos para ella]

Hi everyone,

So Im having a crisis of confidence right now and seeing as people have been so great on here before I thought I'd see if anyone could help... I hope no one minds me posting this, I know there are much more interesting threads I just have no one else to talk to :(

I'm ridiculously confused right now, I'm in a new relationship and to be honest I'm finding it really hard to make myself interested in being in it. I have a very busy job (this really isnt an excuse, i live in my place of work) which takes up a hell of a lot of time and I'm very independent so being in a relationship is going to be difficult to get used to anyway. I'm only young and haven't gone out of my way to have relationships in the past and most haven't lasted long, mostly because of me ending them. I'm very happy being single! Anyway I have two matters that are bothering me, firstly my brother is experiencing issues with his sexuality etc and my parents are aware and fully supportive of him. They do not know about me yet, and because of this my mother is really pushing me to make an effort with my new guy. She's interfering to the point I keep having to change the subject, make excuses etc and it's really getting me down. What I don't understand is, am I not interested in this guy because he is not the right one or am I just not trying. Also, I can't stop thinking about women and how much I'd prefer to be in a relationship with a woman. Does this mean I'm just looking in the wrong place and should actually be looking for a woman?

I don't know what to do about my bf or whether I should talk to my mum about my sexuality. She has this idea of me getting married and having children in the near future and with all the worries with my brother I just don't know what to do. I don't mean to sound like a self centered idiot who isn't being fair to my bf, because im really not, I'd like it to work but I'm just not feeling it and I don't want to string him along if I shouldn't be with him? But also I don't want my mum to just think I'm weird and wonder why I'm not more interested...

Thanks so much, any advice welcome :)

Ellie xxx

[Annika L]

Hi Ellie,

First and foremost, stop apologizing for yourself: your problems are as legitimate as anyone else's, and you have every right to be heard and to ask for help. *hugs*

Second, there's a lot going on in your post here...I'm sure it's difficult to untangle all the elements you're dealing with:
(1) You have questions about your sexuality;
(2) You have questions about your interest in your current bf;
(3) You envy the approval your brother has received from coming out;
(4) You wonder whether you'd benefit from coming out to your parents;
(5) Your mom wants grandchildren and is putting pressure on you;
(6) I'm sure I haven't exhausted the list of even just the issues you raise in your post, let alone others you might be dealing with.

Here's my take on starting to untangle what *can* be untangled.

(5) Mothers/parents seem to want grandchildren...it's something they do...at least many. And they will put pressure on us until (a) they get them; or (b) they get the idea that none will be forthcoming. But this is your mom's issue, not yours...or at least, try not to let it be yours. Don't confuse this with her feelings about your bf...consider that it's about satisfying her own desire for grandchildren; not about her desire that you end up with a guy. In fact it is *only* related to sexuality inasmuch as she now recognizes that she won't get grandchildren from your brother. You *could* discuss your sexuality with her. Or if you're sure that you don't (ever) want children, you could let her know that this is where you are right now. I think communication of some sort could be in order, and would likely relieve the pressure. But this conversation need not involve sexuality at all (though you may decide you want it to).

(3/4) Maybe envy was the wrong word here...I can't know. But the point is if you want what your brother has...that's *your* issue to deal with (like your mom's desire for grandchildren is *her* issue). If you want the support of your parents for your sexuality, yes, come out to them...it sounds like they can handle it. If you're not clear on your own sexuality, then this may be premature. In that case, look forward to it in the future, and be thankful that your brother has already primed them, so to speak, with respect to this issue.

(1/2) My 2-cents are that a *new* relationship shouldn't be something you have to work hard at. Something longterm, yes...longterm partnership does require work. But a new relationship should be fun and exciting. If you're not finding yourself glowing when you think of him or of being with him...meh, it sounds like he's not for you *regardless* of your sexuality. It's certainly not that you're just not *working* at it enough. If at some point you meet a guy who *does* sweep you off your feet, fine. If at some point you meet a woman who sweeps you off your feet, fine. But don't *ever* try to make something work because *someone else* wants you to. This is your life and your happiness at stake.

So ultimately, my advice is to put your mom's feelings, your brother's sexuality, and your even your own sexuality out of your mind for a bit, and honestly ask yourself, "am I attracted to this guy? Am I having fun when I'm with him?" If not, get out of that relationship...and firmly explain to your mom that no children will be coming at any point soon, and that you are finding her pressure unhelpful and uncomfortable. Next, start to explore the question of your own sexuality, and honestly ask yourself, "would I like to experiment with a relationship with a woman?" If so , go for it. If not, find out why: is it lack of attraction, or is it fear? If you find concerns about your parents lurking at the source, again, put those out of your mind...clearly they can handle queerness when they have to.

Good luck, though, hon, whatever you do. It sounds like you're going through a potentially exciting time in your life...frustrating and difficult, yes, but exciting. Embrace the excitement of figuring yourself out!

[Besos para ella]

Hey Annika, thanks so much for your post, it makes a lot of sense and has really helped to clarify and unpick my jumbled thoughts! I do ultimately take on my mums fears and worries and concerns which is why I feel telling her might get her off my back! I definitely want children so she doesn't have to worry about that, in fact id have them now if i could and be happy to be a single parent. (sorry if that sounds selfish...) I'm just concerned that she won't have the "normal" if that's even possible, children that she wanted... Though both my cousins are gay too so we definitely have a diverse family, someone should do a research paper lol. Im so glad that you said about new relationships shouldn't be hard work, I believe I'm definitely wanting or longing to find a woman and that's making it difficult to continue dating him, I think of him and then I wonder how it would be different with a woman... He is a genuinely lovely guy but I don't get excited about the whole thing :s the other thing is (and here's me taking on my mums concerns again) she's never been single and hates the whole idea of ever being alone and cannot understand why I'm not bothered? I do believe it must be because I'd rather be with a woman or just haven't find the right guy to sweep me off my feet! Hmmm

[Realist]

I agree wholeheartedly with Annika...she is a smart lady, well worth listening to!!

Take it from someone who succumbed to my mother's wishes for me to marry and have kids, with a woman I didn't love, never did love, but luckily, never had kids with!

I lived for 23 years in a marriage that had few moments to smile about. I also did something else I never thought I'd do.......I cheated! I kept meeting others (of both genders) to whom I was more attracted, but didn't have the guts to face my mother, or tell my wife the truth.

I believe, if you meet the right person, (s) (male, or female.....or whatever) and you feel that spark, you will know they're the ONE!

Think about this: What if you're already living with a partner, who you don't share that spark with. Then someone shows up, who knocks your socks off? Someone is gonna be hurting..either you, or who you're with......... and, maybe even your mother too!

Believe me, you are much better off being single, even if it takes a while to meet your mister, or miss RIGHT!

No matter what your decision is, good luck to you!

[Long Duck Dong]

points to realist and annika, ... what they said lol

[Annika L]

I'm glad my rambling above made sense to you. Here's how I parse your reply:


(1) I do ultimately take on my mums fears and worries and concerns which is why I feel telling her might get her off my back!

(2) I definitely want children so she doesn't have to worry about that. I'm just concerned that she won't have the "normal" if that's even possible, children that she wanted..

(3) in fact id have them now if i could and be happy to be a single parent. (sorry if that sounds selfish...)

(4) I believe I'm definitely wanting or longing to find a woman and that's making it difficult to continue dating him, I think of him and then I wonder how it would be different with a woman... He is a genuinely lovely guy but I don't get excited about the whole thing :s

(5) the other thing is (and here's me taking on my mums concerns again) she's never been single and hates the whole idea of ever being alone and cannot understand why I'm not bothered? I do believe it must be because I'd rather be with a woman or just haven't find the right guy to sweep me off my feet!

It's awesome that you're so self-aware regarding your mother's influence on you. Frequently people at your age (meaning myself at your age, lol) have a tendency to be in denial about parental influence...hey, I'm strong-willed and independent, and I'm doing what I'm doing for my own reasons; not because my parents want me to!

Of course (3) doesn't sound selfish! There are plenty of single mothers...and all that crap out there about children "needing a mother and a father around the house" is just so much crap.

On (1/2) it's good that you know you want children eventually. Sounds like you're not quite ready yet...maybe financially; maybe you just haven't decided on the source. But that's the kind of thing you can discuss with your mum. It needn't be a conversation about sexuality...just about your resolve to make sure that you can provide a stable environment for a child (whether that's alone, with a guy, or with a woman). If you're unsure about your commitment to your current partner, then that's absolutely no time to go bringing another being into the world...and your mum should understand that. So I'm saying that you shouldn't feel compelled to come out just to take child pressure off: do that for better reasons. But do let her know that her pressure is being felt and isn't appreciated...that's just good communication...and she should understand your reasoning.

In terms of not being able to provide "the normal children she wants"...oh come on...of course she can't expect that of you...she knows you, doesn't she? Your kid(s) will be as lovelyquirkyawesome as you are, and she needs to appreciate that. And she will, when the time comes.

On (5), part of that conversation should include a heart-to-heart explanation that her concerns about being alone are hers alone, and that you do not share that concern. You can try to explain your reasons, or your mindset...but both of you should be clear that this isn't a negotiation...you may or may not ever have a longterm partner...but you can add that you do intend to have children at some point in any case. That alone may help her.

And on (4), ok...he sounds great...just not a match for you *at this time*. You have some exploring to do, it seems. So let him down easy. Tell him you need some space, you're working through some things, it's nothing to do with him, he's lovely...and you could be interested in him at another point, but right now you need some time away. He'll still be confused and hurt...so it'll be hard...but if you tell him you're leaving him to check out women, that would be much harder for him, and probably for you. And then really do pursue finding out what live with a female partner is like. You may or may not find it to be what you'd hoped. Or you may find that it's great, but it isn't *everything* you need. Lots of possibilities...be open to them, and to learning these things about yourself. Like I said before: very exciting times ahead!

[Besos para ella]

Thanks so much for the great advice everyone, especially you, Annika, I can't tell you how much you have helped, unpicking my muddled thoughts and all! With regards to the normal children thing, i meant me and my brother both being bi/gay/who the hell knows what's going on with our sexuality but neither of us are straight so I meant I felt bad about that, not about when i have children, not that I should, it's so much more interesting being different! I guess I wanted to be the one who got a degree, had a long term, straight relationship, have children as these are the things she's not gunna necessarily get from my brother, but again this is me thinking about her and not about myself which I'm finally learning I need to do! Plus this may even happen someday anyway. I'm definitely more excited about the future after reading your advice, and am definitely more sorted as to what I want to do next so thank you so much! X

[Meliss]

Ellie, I would ask if you spend enough time with your current BF to really bond. Although as humans we think we are way above the other animals, in many way our bodies tick tock just like the rest of them. Bonding, whether through a same sex or hetero or even mother child is much about physical contact as sex and witty conversation.

I've heard it said that you need about 30 hours each week of touching to form a new deep bond and at least 16 hours a week to maintain it. I know when I am away from my main squeeze I am a bit more ambivilent about that person than I was before I left. Fortunately we work hard on getting face time.

I once had a decade + relationship fall completely apart when we were apart a mere four weeks or so.

So my advice to you is find someone or someones you like and touch them until you both bond.. Touching is so powerful that some hospitals keep a dog on hand for sick people to hug. Babies apparently withered and died in sterile hospital environments without touch.

As far as I know nothing precludes you from bonding to a male and a female at the same time or even two of any sex combination if you touch and interact enough.

All this being said.. hugs.

[jimdawg]

Remember, you don't need to be straight to have kids. In your case, you should consider coming out because, first, you are longing for a woman (perhaps more than a man) and it might cause the pressure to back off. And if you want children, you can convince your mom you would be a parent. Although that's a very tough potential step.

If you want to be single, I say go for it. Sincerely. I am one of those who is always single, and it is one of my great torments. But in your case, you might need to be.

Consider hanging out more with women. Go to gay meetups, gay bars.

Or come to the states and I'll do a horrible job at attempting to sweep you off your feet. And convince you that you're gay in the process :p

[Annika L]

Ellie, I would ask if you spend enough time with your current BF to really bond. Although as humans we think we are way above the other animals, in many way our bodies tick tock just like the rest of them. Bonding, whether through a same sex or hetero or even mother child is much about physical contact as sex and witty conversation.

I've heard it said that you need about 30 hours each week of touching to form a new deep bond and at least 16 hours a week to maintain it. I know when I am away from my main squeeze I am a bit more ambivilent about that person than I was before I left. Fortunately we work hard on getting face time.

I once had a decade + relationship fall completely apart when we were apart a mere four weeks or so.

So my advice to you is find someone or someones you like and touch them until you both bond.. Touching is so powerful that some hospitals keep a dog on hand for sick people to hug. Babies apparently withered and died in sterile hospital environments without touch.

As far as I know nothing precludes you from bonding to a male and a female at the same time or even two of any sex combination if you touch and interact enough.

All this being said.. hugs.

Interesting statistics here, if they are valid. But I maintain that if you haven't "spent enough time to really bond" with a new s/o, there are reasons for that. If you meet someone you really like, you'll *want* to spend that time with them...you'll want to spend *more* than that time with them. It feels hopelessly artificial to say first settle on a person, and then spend X hours with them a day so that you bond with them. No, find someone you *want* to spend that much time with *without* thinking about it or setting goals for touching...and then do what feels natural (i.e., spend that time with them).

Now, if artificial constraints (e.g., a business trip, an illness, or whatever) has prevented you from spending time with that special person...and you notice that you're a bit less into them...then I can see remembering this phenomenon, and giving it a chance before letting things blow up.

And Ellie, Jimdawg points out something I'd had in the back of my head to say...but hadn't yet said (and what good are thoughts that stay in the back of your head??)...there are *lots* of ways to become a single parent...being straight and in a relationship with the father isn't even close to a requirement. But think hard before taking that step: children do take time and restrict freedom...it might be several years before you have time to experiment with finding a woman...and that doesn't sound like good timing, given where you seem to be.

[jimdawg]

To be clear, I wasn't saying be a single parent. I was simply saying you don't need to be straight to have kids.

[Annika L]

To be clear, I wasn't saying be a single parent. I was simply saying you don't need to be straight to have kids.

Got that, jim, thanks...wasn't saying to be a single parent either...just responding to her earlier statement that she could be happy as one, and/or with having kids now.

[jimdawg]

Can I hijack to make this as interesting as the other threads? OK, what do you prefer...sucking cock or blowing cock? Eating vagina or licking vagina? Ellie-there's nothing wrong with starting a thread about bisexuality. Half the threads on here are people trying to masturbate to taboo anyway :)

[BiDaveDtown]

Are you sure that you are bisexual and not lesbian? You seem totally uninterested in being in a relationship with a guy and you wrote about how you enjoy being single and how you're not trying when you yourself wrote that you would much rather be in a relationship with a woman and not with a man. Jimdawg you are correct the OP should ask herself if she prefers to eat pussy or suck dick.

[jimdawg]

I was being ironic and complaining most topics are sophomoric fantasies and not real issues...I would add, this is why I never post here anymore and why I'm done posting here again.

[tenni]

I was being ironic and complaining most topics are sophomoric fantasies and not real issues...I would add, this is why I never post here anymore and why I'm done posting here again.

If you find thread topics sophomoric fantasies and don't like them, why not start a thread on a topic that interests you?

[jimdawg]

I generally avoid topics here completely nowadays. I wasn't referring to this topic beyond the line of the OP that there are more interesting threads...