Managing jealousy in open relationships

[Gearbox]

I found this link maybe helpful to those who are either in an open relationship, or thinking of being in one:
http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/Poly/Labriola/jealousy.html

Although it's not particularly aimed at relationships between monosexuals and bisexuals, where the bi wants to open up a sexually exclusive relationship to include same gender sex, it might help with some aspects.
'Success' isn't just the 'go ahead' for an open relationship, but also includes how it's maintained too. It's no good thinking ALL emotions are dealt with and there's no need to worry about jealousy etc after the first 5 minutes. But with open and honest discussion, and acting on it, all should be well.:)

One very important thing is to understand what jealousy actually is. Another is to have no problems in expressing it to your partner if you feel those emotions. It's not something that should be hidden (for whatever reason) , but to be shared openly and tackled head on.
That can be a BIG leap for many, as it's often not questioned, but simply accepted.

From the link:

Our society is addicted to three core beliefs about relationships that are almost guaranteed to create jealousy even in the most well-adjusted people. Most of us have absorbed these beliefs without even realizing it. Identifying and dismantling these beliefs in our "heart of hearts" is the single most effective way to short-circuit jealousy. Ask yourself how much of you believes each of these three statements. Is it 90% of yourself that believes them? 50%? Notice which belief is most entrenched in your subconscious mind and which one youÃ*ve made the most progress on:
Core Belief #1


If my partner really loved me, (s)he wouldnÃ*t have any desire for a sexual relationship with anyone else.

This belief sees any interest your partner has in anyone else as a direct reflection of how much (s)he loves you. ItÃ*s a quantitative view of love which equates the amount of love with the ability to be interested in having another partner. When you break it down, this is as absurd as saying that a couple that gives birth to a second child must not love their first child or they couldnÃ*t possibly have any interest in having a second one.


Core Belief #2


If my partner were happy with me, and if I were a good partner/spouse/lover/etc., my partner would be so satisfied that (s)he wouldnÃ*t want to get involved with anyone else.

This belief is even more insidious. With the first belief you can at least blame it on your partner for not loving you enough. This belief says that if your partner is interested in someone else, itÃ*s your fault for not being the perfect lover or spouse and your relationship must be a failure. If you truly believe that your lover could only be interested in another partner because youÃ*re inadequate, you can see how that will generate jealousy big time!

Core Belief #3

ItÃ*s just not possible to love more than one person at the same time.
This belief is built on the "scarcity economy of love", the belief that love is a finite resource, there is only so much to go around, and there is never enough. Therefore, if my partner gives any of her or his love to anyone else, that necessarily means that thereÃ*s less for me. Because most people already feel there are some areas in their relationship where they are not getting enough of something (time, love, affection, sex, support, commitment) they are fearful that they will receive even less if their partner gets involved with additional partners.
Because each of these beliefs is connected to a very primal fear, they take time and effort to overcome. The first belief expresses a deep fear that you are not loved and will be abandoned. The second taps into our insecurities and the fear that we are not adequate or deserving of love, and the third is a fear of deprivation and being starved for love and attention. So have compassion for yourself and your partner(s) as you work with these beliefs and gradually replace them with beliefs that support your desire to embrace open relationships. Try on these new beliefs instead and see how they feel to you..

[Long Duck Dong]

http://www.kathylabriola.com/home this is the author.... I recognize her article

Love In Abundance: A Counselor's Advice On Open Relationships is her book, but bear in mind that she is a bisexual person that leans strongly towards polyamory.......

kathy writes some good articles, but has a habit of using jealousy as the primary issue that affects open relationships and non monogamy, and puts that on the monogamous partner or the open relationship partner, when issues arise... and ignores some very real issues that are far more serious personal issues, that are not going to be resolved by talking, as such depression ( including pre and post natal depression / clinical depression ), anxiety disorders, mental health issues and so on, that are treatable issues with professional support and guidance, but that do not always appear to be anything other than normal emotional states........

kathys view of jealousy ( copied from your post link )
" We tend to think of jealousy as a single emotion, but actually it is a whole bundle of feelings that tend to get lumped together. Jealousy can manifest as anger, fear, hurt, betrayal, anxiety, agitation, sadness, paranoia, depression, loneliness, envy, coveting, feeling powerless, feeling inadequate, feeling excluded "

kathy also doesn't address the fact that a non monogamous person may not be aware of their own personal issues and they are more often missed when it comes to opening up the relationship, because the focus is on the non monogamous partner and their issues, and opening up the relationship, doesn't fix those issues........ and one of the most common issues with a non monogamous persons ability to settle in the relationship is due to things like anxiety disorders, low self esteem, self destructive behievour, depression ( yes really ) addictive / compulsive behievour, hyper sexuality ( sex addiction )

hence why when talking about opening up a relationship... its not always a good idea to assume that the issues lay with the monogamous person and that its jealousy.......
both partners seeing a counselor is often a good idea before opening up the relationship, if there is any concerns, as its harder to rebuild a relationship that is damaged than it is to address any issues and make sure that both people and the relationship are stable and strong enuf first........

[Realist]

In my view, you can't have a decent open relationship, without doing some prior planning, having partners who all understand the parameters, being considerate of the others, and NOT BEING JEALOUS!

[Gearbox]

Love In Abundance: A Counselor's Advice On Open Relationships is her book, but bear in mind that she is a bisexual person that leans strongly towards polyamory.....
I fail to see how you view that as a 'caution', when that is what the article is about. From the link you posted:
"Provides low-fee, affordable counseling for:

* non-traditional and/or non-monogamous relationships".
She's not a wolf in sheep's clothing, but a professional counsellor that specialises in that area. Her being in a poly relationship herself doesn't detract from that, but gives her valuable insight from personal experience.
She would not be 'out of place' on a bisexual site where many seek to open up a closed relationship without negative results.


kathy writes some good articles, but has a habit of using jealousy as the primary issue that affects open relationships and non monogamy, and puts that on the monogamous partner or the open relationship partner, when issues arise... and ignores some very real issues that are far more serious personal issues, that are not going to be resolved by talking, as such depression ( including pre and post natal depression / clinical depression ), anxiety disorders, mental health issues and so on, that are treatable issues with professional support and guidance, but that do not always appear to be anything other than normal emotional states........
The article is about jealousy effecting open relationships. She doesn't include kleptomania, OCD, ADD etc either, because that's not what it's about. Postnatal depression etc are not caused by opening up relationships, and are not stated as always being the result of jealousy.
However, jealousy can manifest itself as anger, fear, hurt, betrayal, anxiety, agitation, sadness, paranoia, depression, loneliness, envy, coveting, feeling powerless, feeling inadequate, feeling excluded, like she said.


kathy also doesn't address the fact that a non monogamous person may not be aware of their own personal issues and they are more often missed when it comes to opening up the relationship, because the focus is on the non monogamous partner and their issues, and opening up the relationship, doesn't fix those issues........ and one of the most common issues with a non monogamous persons ability to settle in the relationship is due to things like anxiety disorders, low self esteem, self destructive behievour, depression ( yes really ) addictive / compulsive behievour, hyper sexuality ( sex addiction )
Kathy in her capacity as a professional counsellor would not advise opening a relationship as a cure/treatment for mental disorders etc, unless it was the result of sexual/emotional repression etc, by self or partner. In many cases involving bisexuals, that is sadly the case.


hence why when talking about opening up a relationship... its not always a good idea to assume that the issues lay with the monogamous person and that its jealousy.......
both partners seeing a counselor is often a good idea before opening up the relationship, if there is any concerns, as its harder to rebuild a relationship that is damaged than it is to address any issues and make sure that both people and the relationship are stable and strong enuf first........
Kathy being a counsellor would agree that seeing a counsellor is a good idea. She also doesn't restrict jealousy to the non-monogamous. But instead recommends identifying it and dealing with it, wherever it's found. Honest open communication is vital for that, and self honesty even more so.

[Long Duck Dong]

gear, if I was concerned about the book and the author, I would have not posted her book or her site for other people to check out....
how about you go read her site and book yaself ?

shes a counselor, certified hypnotherapist ( it looks like her and I have both done the same type of work ) and a registered nurse... NOT a professional counselor... and she leans towards supporting her own points of view in regards to relationships....

I am a RETIRED counselor, certified hypnotherapist ( NOT a professional counselor ) and I have worked in the same fields she has, but I try to remain neutral cos I try to work with both people towards a compromise and that was part of my concern over the way she was talking about jealousy as a major issue and covering it with such a loose definition .....

[blugirl789]

very interesting. thanks for posting gearbox

[tenni]

Thanks Gear for finding this information! :) Wiki does a fairly good job(some will deny) defining parameters of jealousy.


"Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of presenting emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and digust. It is not to be confused with envy"

Jealousy may be: a/ sexual or b/ emotional/ romantic. Romantic jealousy is the most complex of the two forms and it may be a result of a threat to the self esteem of the jealous person.

I think that anyone may experience jealousy even if you wish to be open to multi partners. I think that it depends in part on emotional attachment issues that you might have about the partner. You may experience jealousy for one but not all partners. You may experience jealousy on going regardless of the specific partner. If the attachment is not balanced with a form of love for making your partner happy it can go off track even if you initially want non monogamy. I agree that insecurity can be a major factor. I have experienced this even when I thought that I wanted to be open. It wasn't my desire to have multi partners at the same time in my presence but I was fulfilling a desire to try a threesome. I found myself experiencing some insecurity and a tinge of jealousy at one point.

The core beliefs mentioned connected to jealousy seem to be supported by mainstream society in some ways. I am not sure though as some seem subtle and society doesn't exactly formally teach them. Core belief three is supported by marriage laws and romantic cultural icons (romance of two falling in love rarely/never three) and arts such as literature. The new core beliefs may work for those open to non monogamous ways but I suspect that jealousy may surface at times.

I think that the “fear” that the writer refers jealousy as being close to “fear of rejection” as well as "fear of loss" which may be closely linked to attachment issues. I'm not sure which is more damaging to the indivual experiencing these fears. Fear of rejection is a big fear imo that goes along with insecurity from my observation and experience. This core fear may surface in any relationship regardless whether non monogamous or monogamous imo. Yes, non monogamous people may be unaware of other personal issues about themselves. It isn't one way is better approach imo. The non monogamous may experience jealousy or even the most negative form resulting from jealousy “possessiveness”. I think that a person who has possessiveness and self esteem issues would not even be willing to enter a relationship that was non monogamous.

A request for acceptance of interest
As an aside and not wishing to detract from the more positive tone of the OP, wouldn't it be more supportive of sexual bisexuals interested in positively exploring this aspect of multi partners without negative opinions presented as fact? Let us search for our own form of bisexual happiness. I'd rather not read over a hundred pissing contest posts as a diversion to control a positive discussion.

[Long Duck Dong]

In my view, you can't have a decent open relationship, without doing some prior planning, having partners who all understand the parameters, being considerate of the others, and NOT BEING JEALOUS!

thank you realist... this is the way i see it too... cos DD and I are working through the issues of opening up the relationship and if closed poly would be better for us than a open non monogamous one...... and jealousy is something that is a aspect of it, rather than try and fix it, its in our best interests to allow it to be experienced and deal with the issues as they come up... and if DD was not experiencing any jealousy, then we would not look at some issues as closely as we have....

jealousy is not always a bad thing...it can actually be the saving grace of a relationship and stop it going bad

to quote kathy ( the author of the article in the OP ) "
A few rare individuals never experience jealousy. They are either more highly evolved than the rest of us mortals, or else they are pathologically out of touch with their feelings. "

[Implanted]

It's important to note that jealousy is not the only issue non-monogamists deal with, but as Labriola states in the second sentence of the article, it is the biggest obstacle. Because it is such a prevalent issue, it is only fitting that such time and effort should be put into dealing with such an obstacle.

I find this article interesting because Labriola treats that most common of emotions as a touchstone that helps us deterimine where our anxieties lie and gives us possible tools to help us deal with them. She doesn't imply that jealousy completely disappears, nor that it is an evil to be dealt with and destroyed like the monsters mythology, but that it is a natural emotion that could be masking other insecurities. In every part of our lives, we encounter obstacles. Most of the time, society has developed rules and regulations that sometimes even put obstacles in place to help us maneuver our lives.

Traffic is the easiest example. Red lights and stop signs are obstacles in a sense, but they make us stop and wait. We check all possible ways before continuing on when it is safe or the light turns green. Sometimes when we come to a red light or stop sign, there are no other visible dangers and we get frustrated with having to comply with such a mundane, time consuming thing as stopping and looking. But if we get in the habit of stoping, waiting and looking where ever it is appropriate, we run less of a risk of getting broadsided.

The article's author and OP have in no way singled out jealousy as something that must be obliterated, but they do suggest that when you encounter such an obstacle, there are different ways in which to deal with it so as to ease the tension. Who knows, you might even find a root source creating the anxiety that was previously unknown to you.

Great article. Thank you for posting it Gearbox.

[Gearbox]

@LDD- I really would like this not to sink into a closed vs open thing. As jealousy can effect anybody in any kind of relationship. What would be really positive is to recognise it if it occurs and attempt to resolve what causes it etc. It can be very powerful and needs all parties concerned to deal with it.
I'm not the 'jealous type' but that doesn't mean I'm incapable of being jealous. Just means that I'm aware of it, and work to rid it. It also doesn't mean that I don't have 'issues'. I do!lol I find jealousy easy to handle (in myself), but other issues not so easy. So I can empathise with those who find jealousy difficult.
The best (or only) way to resolve our issues is with honest self&group communication.

[Gearbox]

It's important to note that jealousy is not the only issue non-monogamists deal with, but as Labriola states in the second sentence of the article, it is the biggest obstacle.
I can't be sure of it, and I'm probably wrong about it, but I find as a parent that I'm going through something that might have ties with those 'other issues' that those in open relationships have to deal with:
My daughter is 7yo (8yo in September), and since she turned 7 I've allowed her to play outside without my supervision.
I gave her freedom, and trust. That pretty much scared the crap out of me, and still does to a lesser degree, as any parent might understand when they let their 'little universe' out of their sight?
The obvious negative and paranoid thoughts leapt in: Cars, dogs, falls, kidnappers etc etc all these things that put my 'reason for living' at risk. MY happiness was in HER hands. Scary stuff!
My control had to be swapped for rules that kept her and myself 'safe'. A little bump to her, was a huge injury for me etc so MY 'safety' was in MY head the strongest emotional drive: I have to protect her to protect me, as HER freedom is MY vulnerability.:rolleyes:
But what keeps me from being a really annoying overprotective parent is the realisation that it would be selfish and harmful to put MY fears above HER much needed freedom and developments etc. NOT easy, but crucial.

I have no such issues with adult lovers. They can walk away and I'd be satisfied to still love them, and wish them well wherever they go etc.
BUT I wonder if some have the same parent-child issues with freedom, but with their adult partners?

[Long Duck Dong]

gear.... as implanted said, .." if you find the root source "........there is no point in putting buckets down to catch the water if you do not fix the leak......

a root source can be something as simple as the first crush and broken heart 30 years ago, you help the person heal that hurt and pain... and it has a chain reaction, where they can start healing other pain and hurt inside.... the benefits of that to the person, their relationship, their connection to their partner and family etc, will change for the better..... or something like a anxiety disorder or mild depression that was never diagnosed or treated, is another root source.......

its too easy to see the problem and say the person is jealous, insecure, possessive and its the fault of religion, nature of marriage etc...... cos that is addressing the issue, not the cause......and its not helping anybody, ..... but find the root source.... and that is the best thing you can do for anybody, IF they want to help themselves.

gonna tweak ya last statement " The best (or only) way to resolve our issues is with honest self&group communication "...and learn how to find the root source of the issues without getting a bill for it......
its why I never went into private practice, the money never interested me, seeing the smiles on peoples faces did.......

ya hearts in the right place, gear, with the posting of the article.... its just that the article doesn't go deep enuf into the real heart of the issue with people and thats finding out where the source/s of the jealousy, lays and what is the root cause....... there is a reason for it too, people read the article, think mmmm kathys right, I should buy her book..... :tongue:

[tenni]

LDD
Thirty-four percent of the posts are from you so far. PLEASE, would you just leave the thread alone ffs before we are up to 100 posts of you correcting people with superior "expert" interjections. Then they need to clarify for "you" that their opinion is as good as your opinion. Would you be considerate enough to identify when expressing your opinion? If you have a webpage about an idea (root source) give it without the preaching and moderating as an expert.

[DuckiesDarling]

LDD
PLEASE Would you just leave the thread alone ffs. We do not need to read your superior "expert" interjections as if you are some superior moderator the great unwashed illiterate every other thread. When expressing your opinion state so. If you have a webpage give it without the preaching about root source give it with little comment.



LDD
Thirty-four percent of the posts are from you so far. PLEASE, would you just leave the thread alone ffs before we are up to 100 posts of you correcting people with superior "expert" interjections. Then they need to clarify for "you" that their opinion is as good as your opinion. Would you be considerate enough to identify when expressing your opinion? If you have a webpage about an idea (root source) give it without the preaching and moderating as an expert.



Tenni, you don't like what he says, ignore him, don't go posting pissy ass little comments then changing them to make it look like you are all innocent.:2cents:



Interesting article, Gear, I don't agree with some of what is laid out as I find it biased in favor of people who don't want to only have one partner in their bed but it is food for thought. As LDD stated we are talking about a lot of issues and trying to narrow things down so that if he does go on meds when I get back to NZ we have a game plan in place, til then we are both happily monogamous and we are dealing with the green eyed monster when and where it pops up.