Polyamorous - honestly, or just pretend?

[RobUK]

Hi!

Firstly, can I make it clear that by the word 'pretend', I don't mean to offend anyone! I don't mean it in a pejorative/offensive way like I wonder about whether polyamory is real or not - I know better than that and I would NEVER be so insulting/patronising anyway...


I know some people are polyamorous - I've met a fair few. I do often wonder, though, if someone is genuinely polyamorous and just loves several people (and it just happens to be at the same time), or whether someone isn't ACTUALLY polyamorous and is just slutty, and says they're polyamorous just to get away with cheating... Or do people (and I'm asking you poly peeps now) think that everyone is polyamorous and that some people are just (like most things) good people, others, just bastards... When is someone polyamorous and when is someone just slutty?


C'mon guys - what do you think?

[Annika L]

Interesting questions.

And like virtually everything else, I think all situations you describe exist in some measure.

I am one of those people who is polyamorous-at-heart...to me it's about loving people, not making love to them. I have loved many, but have remained sexually exclusive with my partner for nearly 26 years. Loved many = seriously loved...would have slept with if not for my exclusivity arrangement with my partner. This has led to heart-breaking situations (generally mine)...but I have learned that I cannot control my emotions: it is simply in my nature to get close to others, to want to share as deeply as possible. Fortunately, my partner and I consider "exclusivity" to be a physical matter, not an emotional one. So to her, my loves do not constitute cheating...they are just part of me.

So I think of myself as the reverse of the "bastards" you describe...rather than claiming polyamory so I can cheat sexually, I claim polyamory despite *not* having multiple sex partners. Maybe "emotionally slutty" could apply? Not sure...nah, I'm not quite that easy...maybe just "emotionally loose" :tongue:.

But I am positive those bastards who pretend exist. I am positive there are some who claim to be polyamorous, and are only just screwing lots of people (no real amory involved). I am positive there are plenty who claim polyamory, and truly love many and express that love physically, in addition to other ways.

Is *everyone* polyamorous? Meaning is everyone capable of being truly in love with many people (regardless of sexual behavior)? I'm not convinced that *everyone* is capable of truly loving even one person. We get such distorted messages and definitions of love in our culture that I'm not sure everyone would recognize love if they saw it...or would even agree on the meaning of "love", so that we could all agree that "this is love, but that is not love". I suppose I'd like to believe that we are all capable of growing to a point where we can truly love many people...but I definitely don't think we're all there right now.

[Gearbox]

I'm polyamorous, but once upon a time in my teens, I 'fell in love'.:love: And I found out what a concoction of mental instability and emotional insecurity that was.lol Reviewing it later, when the dust settled, I realised that what I mistook for 'love' was an aching to be valuable and without fear (fixation & adoration mixed in).
For other reasons, I had to let go of fear, and when that was done, I was secure enough to love for the joy of it. I think that's why I turned out polyamorous.

BUT as Annika suggested, love is not universally recognised by one definitive measure. According to Cher, "It's in his kiss!", but according to some others, "It's in his/her jealousy!".:eek2: It depends on what side order you want with it, as to how you judge it IMO.
I'd cum in my pants if the world turned into one big lover fest relationship.lol But I'd be grateful for just a few at a time. One would be one more than I got now.LOL

[void()]

My response closely mirrors Annika's. I love fourteen people in my life, only two of which are in the romantic sense, the rest are familial. Also have a general platonic love of people at large, being a humanist. Concur with a theme Annika seems to posit inadvertently or knowingly, people are people, good and bad in all walks of them. Sorry, being me is tough enough without pretending to be someone else.

[æonpax]

Hi!
Firstly, can I make it clear that by the word 'pretend', I don't mean to offend anyone! I don't mean it in a pejorative/offensive way like I wonder about whether polyamory is real or not - I know better than that and I would NEVER be so insulting/patronising anyway...
I know some people are polyamorous - I've met a fair few. I do often wonder, though, if someone is genuinely polyamorous and just loves several people (and it just happens to be at the same time), or whether someone isn't ACTUALLY polyamorous and is just slutty, and says they're polyamorous just to get away with cheating... Or do people (and I'm asking you poly peeps now) think that everyone is polyamorous and that some people are just (like most things) good people, others, just bastards... When is someone polyamorous and when is someone just slutty? C'mon guys - what do you think?

`

Purists within the "Poly" community would argue that Polyamory (many loves) is not Polysexuality (emphasis on sex). Those looking for multiple sexual partners are also called "swingers."

Polyamory would also include "Polyfidelity" - http://lovingmorethanone.wordpress.com/2011/05/17/polyfidelity/

[RobUK]

Well, thank you for educating me!

And I'm SO glad everyone seemed to understand what I was saying (inarticulate as I was) - I was concerned that people might misunderstand me and be offended, and I'd hate to have caused any offence...

[bityme]

Purists within the "Poly" community would argue that Polyamory (many loves) is not Polysexuality (emphasis on sex). Those looking for multiple sexual partners are also called "swingers."

Very interesting question. I have always had the understanding that Polyamory was having a committed relationship (being in love) and a sexual relationship with more than one person, without regard to gender, at the same time. I'm am not sure if that is the general understanding of others.

While I find the concept attractive, I don't think I could ever claim the label. I've only ever been what I truly feel is being in love and totally committed to three people in my life. All three have become my wife for a lifetime. Didn't fall in love with the second or third until the previous one had passed away.

My feeling, however, is that Polysexuality is different than "swinging." (Again, only my view.) I have the outlook that Polysexuality is the practice of, or willingness to, be in an exclusive sexual relationship with more than one person at the same time without regard to gender. Swinging, to me, does not have any aspect of exclusivity. As an example, there have been times when a wife and I have had long term exclusive sexual relationships with other couples (all four of us bisexual), yet, as couples, we lived our own separate lives. During these relationships, we had sexual contact only with our own spouse or the other couple. I would view this as Polysexual.

Swinging, to me is different. I view swinging as having multiple sexual partners, either serially or concurrently, in addition to a spouse with the knowledge and consent of the spouse. [Yes, absent that knowledge and consent of the spouse, I would classify the player as a cheater, not a swinger.] Additionally, swinging may, or may not, have an aspect of gender specificity.

Currently, I would call myself a bisexual swinger since we both have multiple sexual partners, without regard to gender, with the other's knowledge and consent. Our current practice is with the other also present and often participating,

Just another view on the issue.

Pappy

[void()]

Like your definition of swinging, cheating Pappy. Don't get me wrong, do enjoy sex but don't think I could handle multiple partners beyond one guy and one gal at the same time. Wife does not and has not ever expressed interest in joining in w/ me and a guy. Her choice and I'm okay with it despite thinking it might be enjoyable if she did. Had a threesome in the past and enjoyed it.

Probably weird on my part to think loving someone does not imply ownership. Not owning means giving them respect and dignity enough to be themselves. Also means you are attentive and considerate of their needs, desires. Love both of my loves very much and my choice is being exclusive to them. Both agree I may see others, I agree they can see others. Just don't know that swinging would be my cup of tea. Not knocking it merely saying not sure it'd be right for me.

Forget cheating all together. How can I cheat on those whom love me enough to let me be free, and by that freedom to have sex with anyone if I but communicate such desire? Rather, I am fortunate to have found people who love me for me. How could I conceive of hurting them by lying and having sex with others behind their backs? That's my way of seeing and thinking, feeling about it. Told you I'm a kooky weirdo, one to soon have papers certifying it too. ;) :wacko::bibounce::smirlove2:love87:

[tenni]

Pappy
You write about married people as polysexual. What about single people who have multi sexual contacts as in fuck buddies and friends with benefits? Are they poly? You may have sex. You may also make sensuous love making to multi partners and all of this without marriage and pair bonding. Is this not poly?

There,s nothing wrongwith being a slut...:love87:



QUOTE=bityme;231246]Very interesting question. I have always had the understanding that Polyamory was having a committed relationship (being in love) and a sexual relationship with more than one person, without regard to gender, at the same time. I'm am not sure if that is the general understanding of others.

While I find the concept attractive, I don't think I could ever claim the label. I've only ever been what I truly feel is being in love and totally committed to three people in my life. All three have become my wife for a lifetime. Didn't fall in love with the second or third until the previous one had passed away.


I
My feeling, however, is that Polysexuality is different than "swinging." (Again, only my view.) I have the outlook that Polysexuality is the practice of, or willingness to, be in an exclusive sexual relationship with more than one person at the same time without regard to gender. Swinging, to me, does not have any aspect of exclusivity. As an example, there have been times when a wife and I have had long term exclusive sexual relationships with other couples (all four of us bisexual), yet, as couples, we lived our own separate lives. During these relationships, we had sexual contact only with our own spouse or the other couple. I would view this as Polysexual.

Swinging, to me is different. I view swinging as having multiple sexual partners, either serially or concurrently, in addition to a spouse with the knowledge and consent of the spouse. [Yes, absent that knowledge and consent of the spouse, I would classify the player as a cheater, not a swinger.] Additionally, swinging may, or may not, have an aspect of gender specificity.

Currently, I would call myself a bisexual swinger since we both have multiple sexual partners, without regard to gender, with the other's knowledge and consent. Our current practice is with the other also present and often participating,

Just another view on the issue.

Pappy[/QUOTE]

[bityme]

Like your definition of swinging, cheating Pappy. Don't get me wrong, do enjoy sex but don't think I could handle multiple partners beyond one guy and one gal at the same time. Wife does not and has not ever expressed interest in joining in w/ me and a guy. Her choice and I'm okay with it despite thinking it might be enjoyable if she did. Had a threesome in the past and enjoyed it.

Not everyone can handle having multiple partners. I've seen a lot of marriages fail over the years when couples started swinging. It is an unbelievably fertile ground for breeding jealously. Often, one of the partners experiences a desire to return to the former monogamous relationship and the other doesn't understand the dynamics, instead, they are completely confused because their mate expressed enjoyment of the additional sex partner(s). Each of us make various decisions within our relationships. Generally, that means we do not do everything we want to or might find enjoyable. When we respect our partners, as you obviously do, their feelings and needs are taken into consideration and we practice the art of compromise. There is nothing wrong with that, rather, it is the sign of a healthy relationship.



Probably weird on my part to think loving someone does not imply ownership. Not owning means giving them respect and dignity enough to be themselves. Also means you are attentive and considerate of their needs, desires. Love both of my loves very much and my choice is being exclusive to them. Both agree I may see others, I agree they can see others. Just don't know that swinging would be my cup of tea. Not knocking it merely saying not sure it'd be right for me.

Nothing weird in your thought pattern as far as I'm concerned. I agree with your view that loving someone does not imply ownership. I feel that being in love is a deep emotional state and the making of a commitment to one's mate. Those that express loving someone while at the same time claiming some type of ownership of the other confuse me. How could some one claim they own another yet supposedly be giving themselves to that other person?

Swinging, particularly the way we sometimes practice it, is not for everyone. My wife and I generally host one or more parties per month of 15 to 20 people. Our male-female-transgender ratio will vary from party to party as does the straight-bisexual ratio. We are one of the few groups in our area that not only permits, but encourages bisexual activity on the part of both males and females. At a party, we might become involved with a few, or many, of the guests of either gender. During the parties, there might be couples, 3somes, 4somes, our moresomes having sex at any given time, possibly even utilizing various toys and without any emotional commitment or sexual exclusivity. Occasionally, a mischievous mood might arise and a number of guests will decide to make one person the center of attention. It is an unique feeling to have a group with everyone simultaneously stimulating various parts of your body! To participate in these group activities, one does have to be fairly free of inhibitions and being a bit of an exhibitionist is an advantage. I did not mention it in my prior post in this thread, but we view our partying as a recreational activity, i.e., "Recreational Sex."

"Recreational Sex" is not for everyone. For us it is the indulgence in physical pleasure without any emotional commitment or entanglement. While we have known many of our frequent guests for years and have developed long term friendships that include social interaction outside of the swinging parties, the relationships certainly are not what one would call "being in love." There are many people who, like yourself, have decided that these types of activities are not right for them. Many find that pursuit of just the physical pleasure lacks the intimacy found in loving committed relationships. Over the years, we have seen many who dropped out of the swinging scene just because it lacked the emotional attachments they have a need for. Such decisions must be respected. There is nothing wrong with someone who, like yourself, elects to be physically exclusive with their love partner(s) even though the might have a "hall pass" to play with others.

Pappy

[bityme]

Pappy
You write about married people as polysexual. What about single people who have multi sexual contacts as in fuck buddies and friends with benefits? Are they poly? You may have sex. You may also make sensuous love making to multi partners and all of this without marriage and pair bonding. Is this not poly?

There,s nothing wrongwith being a slut...:love87:


tenni,

I don't think marriage is required to be polysexual. I only used that as an example. I was trying to express that I have always viewed a "poly" relationship as having some aspect of exclusivity. That is only a personal view. Others may freely apply a different definition.

I would have to agree that multiple contacts with F Buddies and FWBs would be poly (many), however, I would personally use the term "Recreational Sex" for such multiple, non-exclusive carnal pleasures. Being sensuous certainly does not require marriage, pair bonding, or exclusivity.

Whether it is called being "Recreationally Sexual" or "slutty," it's all great fun! :devil:

Pappy

[tenni]

tenni,

I don't think marriage is required to be polysexual. I only used that as an example. I was trying to express that I have always viewed a "poly" relationship as having some aspect of exclusivity. That is only a personal view. Others may freely apply a different definition.


I would have to agree that multiple contacts with F Buddies and FWBs would be poly (many), however, I would personally use the term "Recreational Sex" for such multiple, non-exclusive carnal pleasures. Being sensuous certainly does not require marriage, pair bonding, or exclusivity.

Whether it is called being "Recreationally Sexual" or "slutty," it's all great fun! :devil:

Pappy

Yes recreational sex is fun. :) I think that there was a previous discussion on the term recreational sex. Partnered people have recreational sex as well. I may be wrong or many posters tend to write from a couple perspective but I see the use of poly sexual not exclusive to partnered people adding third fourths etc. Poly sexual needs to broader regardless whether deep emotional bonds exist with the people involved or those of us who are single are placed in a more negative position than other poly people. It seems the word slut needs to be reclaimed. as in "Slut Walks." Its like bisexuality being a physical attraction and or emotional; poly sexual should be seen as both physical and or emotional imo.

[æonpax]

Very interesting question. I have always had the understanding that Polyamory was having a committed relationship (being in love) and a sexual relationship with more than one person, without regard to gender, at the same time. I'm am not sure if that is the general understanding of others.
While I find the concept attractive, I don't think I could ever claim the label. I've only ever been what I truly feel is being in love and totally committed to three people in my life. All three have become my wife for a lifetime. Didn't fall in love with the second or third until the previous one had passed away.
My feeling, however, is that Polysexuality is different than "swinging." (Again, only my view.) I have the outlook that Polysexuality is the practice of, or willingness to, be in an exclusive sexual relationship with more than one person at the same time without regard to gender. Swinging, to me, does not have any aspect of exclusivity. As an example, there have been times when a wife and I have had long term exclusive sexual relationships with other couples (all four of us bisexual), yet, as couples, we lived our own separate lives. During these relationships, we had sexual contact only with our own spouse or the other couple. I would view this as Polysexual.
Swinging, to me is different. I view swinging as having multiple sexual partners, either serially or concurrently, in addition to a spouse with the knowledge and consent of the spouse. [Yes, absent that knowledge and consent of the spouse, I would classify the player as a cheater, not a swinger.] Additionally, swinging may, or may not, have an aspect of gender specificity.
Currently, I would call myself a bisexual swinger since we both have multiple sexual partners, without regard to gender, with the other's knowledge and consent. Our current practice is with the other also present and often participating,
Just another view on the issue.
Pappy
`

Personally, I think Polyamory, (the closed sharing of sexual partners) is what you you believe it to be, sans any specific definitions. In my own relative youth, one summer, I traveled around the US for a month with a "swinger" couple in an RV. It definitely wasn't polly but like polly, it was "closed" meaning sex had to stay within the group, for obvious reasons.

[darkeyes]

Pappy


There,s nothing wrongwith being a slut...:love87:




There certainly is not Tenni babes... I may not like.. never have liked the term "slut" and much prefer the term "sexually free spirited", but I know what it means and is how I have lived my life for most of the past 18 years.. I don't think my instincts lead me to conclude I would be or ever was polyamorous as such, because I have a relationship I wish to maintain and wish for none other for the long term, but do yearn for the freedom I once had to go out and get off with whomsoever meets my fancy.. that I do not has been explained on a number of occasions over time and won't bore the arse off people with it once again... my partner knows how I feel as I do her, but someone must give way in such a conundrum as no compromise is possible... I suppose it's what love is all about..

Enjoy "The Smoke" hun!!! Rememba ya brolly wenya go out this time, willya?? Am told it's actually stopped rainin' down ther.. wooo lucky sods.. but take it ne ways.. just in case!!! Its piddlin' down 'ere an am off out mesel in an hour or so...:yikes2:

[Boots_1614@summer]

I think your question is an interesting one.

I think in my early years I was more, "slutty", there was no love involved, just the physical thing. I did have one constant attachment. But, there were others for them and for me. But, there was always us, a friendship. Later, on, I married. Now, I'm polyamorous - at -heart. My partner is ok with this. There is also, and agreement not to enter into the physical thing. We talked about being poly early in our relationship, and both decided it wasn't for us.

I think being a slut, is more of a power thing, a detached way of having sex. It"s about the conquest, the seduction. The sex isn't always the real prize. With love it's different. I've been faithful, now for fourteen years, with only one slip. Yet, I've been in love, at least once, and had multiple crushes on both men and women. I'm the one who really suffers, occasionally.

It's possible to love more than one person, be in love with more than one person.
I love you question, and all it's variations.

[æonpax]

`
I think there is a Slutfest this year in Colorado.
`
`

http://i.imgur.com/Y2bYb.jpg